My 3 year old is becoming a living nightmare

[Matilda07]

I’m concerned about my 3 year old daughter’s behaviour. She was such an angel up until around just before her second birthday. This lasted a while then she did calm down a lot. But the last few months she’s gotten worse and worse. She will literally scream until she’s blue in the face. Incident tonight was she was being rude to my mum saying she wanted something else on the IPad. I took the iPad off her as I do not condone my children being rude, especially after I told her to ask nicely multiple times.. she literally screamed the house down for around half an hour. I had to wrestle her to get her pjs on, then I put her to bed. I had to carry her upstairs kicking and screaming and into her room. I went in after a couple mins to calm her down and she fell asleep. She was definitely overtired, but she’s like this when she’s not overtired. She’s never witnessed any conflict in the house etc, so I don’t understand why she is this bad. People kept telling me it’s phase, but it’s so reoccurring I’m starting to get worried. She’s an angel at nursery, she shares well, plays nicely with her peers. But at home, with her cousins etc, everything is hers, whatever they have, she wants. I have tried explaining, talking nice and calm, been a bit tougher and told her off, taken the toys off her etc, but nothing works. She back chats all the time, will shout no at me if I ask her to do things, demands snacks, food and drink etc.. Me and her dad are going to confiscate the iPad for a few days or until her behaviour starts to improve, but I’m not sure at this age it will do much?
She is such a loving girl and when she’s good, it’s so lovely to be around her, but it’s more often than not she is acting out and I do not know what to do anymore. I feel anxious over the thought of family coming over, I avoid inviting my friends who have children over in case she acts like it etc.
what advice to people have? I’m desperate here 😩

one thing I noticed was maybe too much screen time? It’s quite young and I’ve definitely noticed an improvement in behaviour when I reduced screen time.

Pick your battles. If she’s tired don’t impose arbitrary rules just because you don’t want to look bad in front of your mum. Does it trigger you because you had to behave a certain way as a child and you now think she has to behave a certain way? I read ‘the book you wish your parents read’ by Philippa Perry and it really made me think.

My main things are: always try and respect them, pick my battles and limit screen time, they are really well behaved most of the time, though as kids they have moments as we all do!

there is also a phrase “Threenager” for a reason - my almost 3 year old is definitely getting more stroppy.

Also I got told that home is often their “safe space” so they tend to let out all their emotions as opposed to at nursery etc. definitely the case with my two. If you’re concerned though maybe you could ring your health visitor? Or local childrens centre often have drop in sessions and you could chat to someone there.

Is it just around the iPad that you have these issues?

tbh she’s 3, remove the iPad and when she has a melt down offer her quiet support, don’t reason, don’t explain, just state a fact and if she melts down give her a cuddle. She’s only 3.

keep doing what you are doing, clear boundaries and consequences, and ignore the screaming. It wont last. This was the hardest age for me - ( I have lovely late twenties children now)

Was wanting something else on the iPad actually rude though?!

Take the iPad away completely for starters and see how you get on.

Hey, so the iPad only came up a round Christmas (don’t get my wrong this may contribute A LOT now, but she was this bad before the iPad arrived in the house!), we are 1000% taking it away until her behaviour improves then it will be say an hour before tea time etc! Very limited. In all honestly, I’m what you see what you get. If someone didn’t agree with my parenting (like my mum etc) then that’s their problem kind of thing! I just hate the thought of my children being rude (manners is a big thing to me). Haha yes, threenager is in full swing in this house. Kind of makes me dread my son turning 3 next year after the way she’s being at the min. The selfishness is the thing that’s bothering me. I know all children have the “mine” phase, but she seems to be taking it to the next level when she’s at home or at my nans where she has lots of toys there

My DD’s mood is absolutely affected by screen time and it doesn’t take a lot for it to turn! We don’t watch a lot for that reason. Give it a try cutting it back and see if you notice a difference. Good luck, it’s hard seeing them like they’re possessed x

I think an hour before tea is still too long. An hour of TV is different because the screen is further away so not so bad for eye strain and the games on iPad are all designed to get you hooked.

When they are struggling to share it's good for them to see other people sharing so make a point of narating whenever you are using something and then give it someone else...like my turn now Nana's turn.

Try emotion coaching when you name their feelings

So you took the screen off her and then continued adding more punishments....that's not fair - no wonder she kept blowing up.

Yep, this.

She sounds like a few 2-3 year old girls I can think of - one my niece, one a little girl at playgroup. Both are really sweet, lovely girls but they can have full on, scream endlessly, struggling to breathe meltdowns. So I don’t think it’s unusual, although I imagine it feels shit.

DS1 is 2.5 and he’s definitely ramping up the tantrums having been totally angelic before. Clarity and consistency; following through when you say you’ll do something; logical consequences (eg if you hit your brother, I’ll take away the toy you’re hitting him with; if you don’t sit nicely with this book, I wont read you a second one) - and when they get totally overwrought, bed or a cuddle holding and rocking and shhing them like a little baby until they chill a bit.

good luck, it is bloody hard, you’re doing a great job.

Yes, I like this one.

After the criticism on screen time this might not go down well, but - Cocomelon Lane on Netflix is good for this. Most episodes focus on a new feeling, which is named, explained and explored through a scenario and song. DS1 has since said “frustrated” and “angry” when I’ve asked him what he wants during a tantrum. He may have got that from me or DH or nursery but both had come up in episodes he had watched. Just an idea.

She’s 3, get rid of the IPad. It’s too much stimulation on her brain at that age.

I just came on to this forum because I'm having a hard time with my 3yo DD so I get it

But you must realise your expectations of your daughter don't match her age. Saying she is rude? Taking toys away from her as a punishment, how does that help? She's not old enough to understand why you have taken the toy. Leaving her in her room alone crying... you need to be helping to regulate her, she cannot do it herself.

Empathise with her and MASSIVELY adjust your expectations so that they actually aline with her age.

She is not "bad" she's 3, if anything you're the bad one for treating her like that. Like why did you carry her upstairs crying? Why was she separated from everyone else?

Just to clarify - I wouldn't see taking the ipad away as a 'consequence' or punishment as she is a bit young for such a delayed consequence to have much effect: she won't link the behaviour with losing the iPad.

You are taking the iPad away as the use of it is likely having a HUGE effect on her brain and behaviour.

She's far too young for that kind of stimulation. Limited TV time watching age appropriate films or shows then yes, iPad no.

Remove screen permenantly. Shes three. Shes addicted. It will improve.

Millions of threads like this.

Well, considering I had to tell her to ask nicely multiple times, yes

Maybe I didn’t word it correctly, I take the toys off her which she’s taken from someone else which they’re playing with when she’s claimed they’re hers. Shouting at someone to change what she’s watching, when I’ve told her to ask nicely, which she is more than capable of as she does ask for things nicely when she’s in a good mood! I carried her upstairs crying to remove her from the situation as she was screaming and shouting, causing her younger brother (who’s 1) to be upset, her older sister who’s non verbal autistic to get agitated, so yes I did take her upstairs so she was out of the way. I came here for advice, not to be berated

Reduce screen time, work on making her see it as an occasional treat activity.

Sounds hard but is completely achievable.

Thank you! I’ll keep the Cocomelon lane in mind!

its not around the iPad. It’s in general, the iPad situation was one single example from today! She’s like it over a lot, taking her shoes off when we arrive at home is another example! She is happy she’s home, just wants to keep her shoes on! I got her some slippers but she wants her proper shoes on in the house!

Ignoring the iPad as you said she was the same before (although I would also be ditching the iPad entirely for her) do you have a tv? Much better than hand held screens, and no YouTube.

But otherwise she sounds just like my 3 yr old, honestly it’s normal, if on the more ‘defiant’ end of normal. Keep your boundaries, keep modelling behaviour you want, keep positive reinforcement, pick the battles you go into. (And yes it feels like they are battles, my dd gets so angry she starts frothing at the mouth!) And love her for who she is, strong personality and all. She’s not rude, she’s three, it’s not malicious.

@RedRobyn2021

DD turned 4 in sept and can still very much be like this.
She lashes out a lot, hits, kicks, screams, throws things.
I've tried the whole gentle parenting, naming emotions etc but it has zero effect on her, I suppose some children just need firmer boundaries and some will just kick off about those regardless.
I'm actually at a point now where I'm taking a zero tolerance approach, the first sign of kicking off etc she goes straight to her room to her "calm corner", she can scream and shout as much as she wants then when she's calm I will go in and speak to her.
I don't know what to suggest for your DD but you aren't alone!