My 3 year old is becoming a living nightmare

[Matilda07]

I’m concerned about my 3 year old daughter’s behaviour. She was such an angel up until around just before her second birthday. This lasted a while then she did calm down a lot. But the last few months she’s gotten worse and worse. She will literally scream until she’s blue in the face. Incident tonight was she was being rude to my mum saying she wanted something else on the IPad. I took the iPad off her as I do not condone my children being rude, especially after I told her to ask nicely multiple times.. she literally screamed the house down for around half an hour. I had to wrestle her to get her pjs on, then I put her to bed. I had to carry her upstairs kicking and screaming and into her room. I went in after a couple mins to calm her down and she fell asleep. She was definitely overtired, but she’s like this when she’s not overtired. She’s never witnessed any conflict in the house etc, so I don’t understand why she is this bad. People kept telling me it’s phase, but it’s so reoccurring I’m starting to get worried. She’s an angel at nursery, she shares well, plays nicely with her peers. But at home, with her cousins etc, everything is hers, whatever they have, she wants. I have tried explaining, talking nice and calm, been a bit tougher and told her off, taken the toys off her etc, but nothing works. She back chats all the time, will shout no at me if I ask her to do things, demands snacks, food and drink etc.. Me and her dad are going to confiscate the iPad for a few days or until her behaviour starts to improve, but I’m not sure at this age it will do much?
She is such a loving girl and when she’s good, it’s so lovely to be around her, but it’s more often than not she is acting out and I do not know what to do anymore. I feel anxious over the thought of family coming over, I avoid inviting my friends who have children over in case she acts like it etc.
what advice to people have? I’m desperate here 😩

I’d be really cautious about introducing Cocomelon. It’s been show to ignore all guidelines around programs made for children, the screen refreshes far too quickly - it’s in line with TikTok a lot of the time, and that’s designed specifically to be addictive for a human brain.

Appreciate she hasn’t had the iPad long enough for that to be the core issue, although in my experience, it can worsen/lengthen this type of phase because of the impact on the brain. I’d remove it completely for a few months and then be very selective about what you allow when it comes back - only iPlayer, for example, and a max of two episodes of something, so it’s no longer than 10/12 minutes. Use the actual TV rather than the iPad when you can, it’s a lot better for their eyes and brain, but again - be mindful of screen time now incase that’s contributing to her behaviour.

The “mine” phase is real, though, we’ve just come from a play area and all the parents were hovering to remind their children to share. It’s hard but it’s not unusual.

The toughest part of this will be having to remove her when she’s having a developmentally normal meltdown, to avoid upsetting your elder child. Your younger child should be able to get used to it. Would the elder child be able to take herself to a safe space? You might struggle with your three year old if she feels she gets sent away… I can see why that’d worsen things in her mind. That is a tough situation, and you handled it the best you could - that’s all any of us can do.

Ah, hadn’t heard that about cocomelon - can you point me to where you’ve read this? The songs are so goshdarn catchy…

Your 3 Yr old has their own iPad!!!!!

She sounds totally normal for a 3 year old.

We aren’t born knowing manners, you have to teach them slowly and by example.

And of course sometimes she wants something different from you (like keeping her shoes on)… she is a separate person with her own views!! Maybe she didn’t realise that till recently but now she does. That doesn’t mean she gets her own way of couse, you have to persuade her to do what you want, by reasoning or reward charts or making it fun or whatever works. It is tiring! This is what makes toddlers hard work.

Tbh I think you have been lucky to have such an obedient child so far and perhaps this is making it more of a shock now. Mine developed their own strong views around 22 months so be grateful!!

One of mine was like this, very strong willed and sensitive. Struggled to regulate her emotions. I tried various approaches to help her but nothing worked. After much trial and effort I found that empathising with her feelings seemed to help, lots of enjoyable 1:1 time daily, consistently holding her in positive regard, also delivering set boundaries with warmth and kindness. She’s 17 now and due to be assessed for autism and adhd. She’s bright, quick witted, kind and a good friend to her friends. She also feels things very deeply and I see this sensitivity as a real strength which will come into its own over the years.