My 3 year old is becoming a living nightmare

[Matilda07]

I’m concerned about my 3 year old daughter’s behaviour. She was such an angel up until around just before her second birthday. This lasted a while then she did calm down a lot. But the last few months she’s gotten worse and worse. She will literally scream until she’s blue in the face. Incident tonight was she was being rude to my mum saying she wanted something else on the IPad. I took the iPad off her as I do not condone my children being rude, especially after I told her to ask nicely multiple times.. she literally screamed the house down for around half an hour. I had to wrestle her to get her pjs on, then I put her to bed. I had to carry her upstairs kicking and screaming and into her room. I went in after a couple mins to calm her down and she fell asleep. She was definitely overtired, but she’s like this when she’s not overtired. She’s never witnessed any conflict in the house etc, so I don’t understand why she is this bad. People kept telling me it’s phase, but it’s so reoccurring I’m starting to get worried. She’s an angel at nursery, she shares well, plays nicely with her peers. But at home, with her cousins etc, everything is hers, whatever they have, she wants. I have tried explaining, talking nice and calm, been a bit tougher and told her off, taken the toys off her etc, but nothing works. She back chats all the time, will shout no at me if I ask her to do things, demands snacks, food and drink etc.. Me and her dad are going to confiscate the iPad for a few days or until her behaviour starts to improve, but I’m not sure at this age it will do much?
She is such a loving girl and when she’s good, it’s so lovely to be around her, but it’s more often than not she is acting out and I do not know what to do anymore. I feel anxious over the thought of family coming over, I avoid inviting my friends who have children over in case she acts like it etc.
what advice to people have? I’m desperate here 😩

@maureeeen
honestly, thank you for this. I feel like my wording of rude instead of unkind has made me look like a terrible mum! I think maybe I have a strong willed child, my mum says I was exactly the same as a toddler but grew out of it when I hit school! So think it’s a case of ride it out!

I really recommend the online parenting resource called Good Inside. You can follow her on Instagram too. I really wish it had existed when DS was this age as it would have helped us a lot with this type of behaviour and with helping him to learn to better regulate his emotions. We’re still having issues now (he’s 8!) and I think that’s partly down to us not dealing with it well at an early age.

It’s helped me understand why ‘rude’ behaviour happens and about why things like punishments and consequences don’t really work. But it’s not all hippy dippy ‘gentle parenting’.

Remember schools talk about behaviour management not punishment. When my son had melt downs, I always cuddled him in front of tv until he relaxed and could tell me why he was upset. He is a very senior manager now, very self assured and successful. He is kind and good.
I always remember a very very successful Head ( I am a teacher) telling us never to back children into a corner. Don't make hard and fast rules with very young children. Try to be kind, flexible and distract wherever possible. Try and be on your child's side wherever possible. Try and be understanding when emotions get the better of them. They really cannot help it and it is sad if you feel that discipline and your rules are more important than them.
It is not always easy being a parent but every child deserves a parent who supports them. Try to be kind and empathetic to their changing needs.

I thought I was a magnificent toddler mum because DS1 was an absolute angel from just over 1 until 2 years 10 months. A few really cute tantrums, generally keen to please, easy to placate, an absolute cutie.

Nahhh. Turns out I knew sh*t. 3 year olds are a whole different ballgame. I haven’t drunk alcohol in over 5 years but 3.5 yo DS1 has driven me close to it the last 6 months 🙃

My nephew wasn’t as bad as DS1 at 3 but certainly was at his most difficult. He mellowed significantly at 4.5ish. Im clinging on to that!

Oh you're not a terrible mum at all, remember we're all just winging it at the end of the day, every child is so different that no one approach works for all! Honestly not even 10 years in childcare prepared me for parenting my own and I'm dreading having to repeat it all again with my 9 month old DD.
Take each day as it comes and definitely try to pick your battles where you can, my DD has a pair of crocs for indoors because we went through the shoes thing too and she hates slippers!

Boundaries for DD are very healthy; good luck, it’s grim when they turn like this. It will pass.

IIRC the guidelines for the APA say twenty minutes supervised watching - Eg you are sitting with them and engaging with the telly - ‘ ooooh look at that lovely car! Oh I like her red jumper’ Plonking them on the iPad while you cook dinner isn’t recommended until they are seven or so (and at that point I’m crossing all the fingers they can entertain themselves for that long!!)

Personally this is one of the reasons I don’t do screen time 😂 I just can’t imagine spending twenty minutes prattling about kids tv - much more fun things for me to do with my life .

She’s three years old. You say no, you ride out the tantrum. She will soon get over it and learn. It will get better.

I am very soft by MN standards of Firm Boundaries but I have NO problem with insisting that things are communicated reasonably nicely. It’s how they learn. DS is free to say to me ‘I would like this one mummy’ - fine, but I’m not responding to ‘THIS ONE!’ screamed at me!

Three is a tricky age @Matilda07 . I personally haven’t found it massively helpful to name the feelings but others have so it is worth a try. I think it is absolutely fine to have standards and to adhere to those.

Honestly OP I felt really sad for your child reading this - please for your sake and hers try and read a bit about neuro development in toddlers and small children and work on your own behaviour, not hers. I know that sounds harsh but I feel strongly about adults in our society parenting from a stance that has unkind (to the children) expectations of children’s behaviour - she cannot regulate her emotions on command at her age or really understand the concept of manners. It is not fair to her to expect her to.

good luck - I know it is hard.

Have I missed something?

The OP has taken an iPad off her.

That’s it. She hasn’t been put on time out or had a favourite toy confiscated or shouted at.

An iPad was taken off her. What am I missing?

Too young for it

You need to accidentally lose it

pay attention and see if her behavior calms down when she’s been away from nursery for a while. My kids behavior went inexplicably off the rails in early primary school and it was down to a poorly managed stressful classroom. But of course kids can’t explain that, they just start building up the anger and tension which comes out at home

REMOVE THE SCREEN, OP

If she wants Cocomelon, watch it together on telly for 30 minutes or so.

*NO tablets
*NO mobile phones
*NO flaking out in front of the telly.

She needs to be active and interacting with the world. That means, activities, toys, socializing, and most of all plenty of exercise.

If she throws a wobbly DO NOT INDULGE IT. Remain calm and disengage until she settles down.

Anytime a child acts like this in response to technology being taken away from them, it is time to remove it completely. Look up Cal Newport. I urge you to read his work.

Yes, she’s three and developmentally it is unreasonable to expect her to remain calm when she’s told she can’t act/be a certain away. So remove the item causing the friction.

Just get rid of the iPad apart from if you’re in a waiting room - A&E etc or on a flight.
Tell her it only works in hospitals and aeroplanes.

I gather that young children are often annoying and you just have to deal with it?

Hi op, i have a terrible 3 year old as well so i get it. He has a speech delay so he gets frustrates due to communication issues, and his sleep went to hell ever since he turned 3 as well. I also have a newborn.

A big thing to remember is that they cannot regulate their emotions at this age, so to be understanding when they have tantrums and help them work through it.

By all means take toys away etc, turn tv off etc if she is being naughty, but definitely take time to explain the consequences first before the action several times eg ‘if you continue throw/shout, then ipad goes away’ ‘if you don’t go to bed, you’ll be tired and we can’t do x tomorrow’. It’s a long slog. It doesn’t always work but my son is starting to understand why he can’t do some things.

As a PP said, I would also pick your battles. Does it really matter if she wants to wear shoes indoors? My son wears shoes indoors as he has to wear orthotic insoles for hypermobility. It’s not a problem.

Mine doesn’t have an iPad or look at phones.
But I definitely notice a difference for the worse when he watches too much TV. Especially Cocomelon or similar…

If she's having trouble sharing toys would it help her to have fewer toys available? When you know her cousins or friends are coming over can you discuss with her what she is happy to share and pack other things away. When she wants a toy someone else is playing with, set a timer for a couple of minutes when they can swap (sometimes the swapping and timer becomes more interesting than the toy). Also, games where people take turns encourage patience and collaboration

3 yr olds are always like atilla the Hun. Big feelings in a little body.

She isn't rude, she's 3. You're expecting too much from her.

Asking nicely isn't some kind of magic spell. Just because you ask your child to do something nicely doesn't change the fact that they don't actually want to do it.
They have no way of taking anyone's feelings into account (often including their own) so children not doing what you ask, regardless of how you ask, is totally normal.

Also my child says "I want X" or"I don't want/like Y" which was always frowned upon, but to be honest communicating your wants and needs is very healthy so I don't get the obsession with "please can I have X"other than to make sure kids are calm before asking for things.

Ultimately you have to understand that they are in a sensitive period for learning their own desires and how to get them met, so try to deal with your own triggers about that and carry on consistently.
And try to take everything they say with a pinch of salt: "I don't want to put my shoes on" "oh yes I realise that but you can't go to the (place you really like)" "I don't like (place)"
They don't dislike the place, they are just trying to find out if they can avoid shoes on.

A useful tip to stay calm is a timer, get a large clear visual timer of some kind and say you have x minutes to put your shoes on otherwise I'll do it/we won't go out. Although the battle is actually a learning time for them, sometimes you need to get things done! You will need to allow extra time especially at first but the timer is a great communication tool going forward.

Kids have been brought up for generations without iPads, a 3 year old doesn’t need one, and it can be addictive. Read a book together, ( I know it’s not always possible, but surely it is sometimes?)

I have a 3 year old who turned into a threenager overnight. I have no advice but you have my full sympathy!!

She's 3. It's not unusual to have tantrums/meltdowns at this age. I try to think of it this way - every time she has one, it is an opportunity to practise her calming herself down with your help. Some struggle not with self regulating, but this I how they learn. You sound like you have clear boundaries. As long as you keep making them clear to her in a calm way and help her to calm herself when possible I reckon it'll turn out ok. That's what I tell myself with my 3yo! My older one grew out of the meltdowns, she's pretty delightful now at 7. Hope to goodness my boy grows out of it soon.....

They had big feelings. You teach them appropriate ways to handle them. Keep it calm.

Some things that worked for my eldest:

• Breathing techniques. Imagine my finger is a candle on a birthday cake and blow it out. Repeat to ten fingers. This almost always did the job and got quicker and quicker every time. She was still doing it sometimes at school for herself when she was 5 or 6.
• Connect to surroundings. Ask her to name 1 thing she can touch, 2 things she can hear and 3 things she can see. It helps them to focus on concrete things rather than feelings.
• Name the feeling. Be simple and repetitive. "Dd is feeling angry. Angry! Dd is angry that the toy wentaway. Dd wants the toy" the idea is that you show in VERY simple language that you understand how they feel and why.

Once the child isbcalm you can talk BRIEFLY and simply about what happened. Just state the rule and the consequence while giving them a hug. Then move on to doingsomething else without laboring the point.