50/50 when other parent works full time

[Mlewis90]

Hi!
My ex partner has requested 50/50 custody of our son. We have been separated for 6 years. He has been seeing him 1-2 nights per week since we split. My question is that if he were to have my son 50/50, he would be working the majority of the time and it would be his wife looking after my son. I don’t feel I should lose my time with my son for a step parent to have extra time with them. I have offered a compromise if an increase in time but not 50/50 but he has declined.
Had anyone been through similar? Not sure where I stand on this.
Thanks!

Hi that sounds really awful and I’m in a similar position as my ex works full time my son is only 2 months old and he would be relying on his elderly mum for childcare if he went 50 50 which he intends to which is not forming a deeper bond with a parent when the other is unavailable surely the parent who’s available would prioritise. They take into account availability but I’m scared too because I believe wider family includes but 75 years old I’m not sure and a step parent over you I wouldn’t think was right but am unsure 🫤

How old is your son? Does he want to live with his dad 50/50?

Just point blank refuse and stand your ground, because it’s your son’s welfare and happiness at stake. No way is a step mum going to provide what his mum provides, and all this is, is posturing from your Ex and swaggering his weight around, and possibly trying to save money.

I’ve separated and 50/50 was bought up a few times. When it was hard to get my Ex to even put in a morning of looking after our kids when we were married!

I think a lot of ex fathers are a bit deluded as 50/50 is raised so often, but they aren’t even around to do it often!

What’s he going to do? Take you to court? Let him. I bet he won’t.

How old is your son? And how many hours do you work?

The starting point should be 50/50, and moving from there to a compromise- after all you are both equally the child's parents.

I presume from what you've said that your child is older than 6, so they'll be at school and it's afternoons and evenings that your discussing? Plenty of parents both work full time and have their kids in the evenings (after school clubs etc), so what justification is there for him not having the child 50% of the time?

I agree and it will be nice to spend time with the step mum. It's no different to having childcare while at work. We don't expect mothers to not have custody of their children because they need to use childcare to work.

This I know the idea of parents actually working is a weird idea but it is normal

working full time isn’t a barrier to having your kids.

Plenty of people work full time and have childcare.

Not really seeing the issue with this from what’s been written.

I agree that 50/50 between parents is ideal, and I would have no issue if the time was being split between myself and my ex. My issue is that he has only ever had him 1-2 days per week. Previously refused to help during holidays etc because of his work schedule. However now it suits his lifestyle (his wife is on maternity leave) he wants my son at their house 50%, I believe in order to save paying child maintenance. His dad won’t be there most of the time, gets home from work around my son’s bedtime. So my issue is that fact that I am losing my time with my son for a step parent to have him. If his dad was going to be there I would have no problem, but he’s not.

So the issue isn’t that he works full time, it’s his hours of work?

I take it you don’t work or work part time?

Don’t most people work full time and have kids? I think 50/50 is reasonable. Is it the step mum you have a problem with? If she wasn’t there your child would be in after school club or similar and dad would pick him up. Isn’t that what happens in most families even with two parents together?

I work nights and sleep when my son is at school

But dad wouldn’t be picking him up as doesn’t get home until after 7pm. So if they separate etc then he has no back up plan.

But his dad would be having more time with your son, as by default he'll be there for bedtime and for breakfast...

It sounds like your issue your son's stepmum providing part of this care. A family member providing care on behalf of your exP is okay, they are also a family unit. And when the new sibling comes along it will be nice for your son to be able to spend more time with them too?

I know you see it as your exP not wanting to pay, but as you say in your post, he's now in a position whereby he can have your son more which surely is a good thing for your son to have more time with your dad then he is having now, and it may also give you the opportunity to increase working hours/do something for you?

So you sleep for less than 5 hours most days?

Yep

And also remember your son won't be going to bed early forever! He's 6 now, but give it a few years and his dad will have longer with him of an evening as you'll son will have later bedtimes.

Stepmum looking after your son wouldn’t prevent him from getting 50/50. It would be seen as the equivalent of you using a childminder so you could work. How old is your child? If he’s over 11 then he’d be able to choose how much contact he had with each parent.
Do you know if stepmum is returning to work ? After maternity leave ends, it will be difficult to do the school run etc with 2 working parents and child maintenance will often be cheaper than childcare.

When you work out contact, start with each parent getting every other weekend so child can see both parents and their side of the family. Don’t be railroaded into Dad picking son up after work so dad gets his night. You need to agree on whole days so that school holidays (13 weeks a year ) are accounted for fairly.

There’s 13 weeks of school holidays a year. Does dad currently look after him while he sleeps or do you use holiday clubs etc

I’ve asked dad to help in the past but in his words he “pays maintenance so shouldn’t be expected to use his annual leave to help in school holidays”. So I use my leave or my partner looks after him

What is your ex's plan for when his wife's maternity leave ends? I don't think a request for 50/50 is unreasonable as plenty of children are looked after by someone other than a parent to facilitate working but if in 12 months time he is going to want to change the agreement again that isn't fair on you or your DC.

How old is your son? This makes a difference as to the likely outcome.

If the current arrangement works well for your son and has been stable for 6 years any change should be brought in slowly and planned.

What is your ex proposing?

So again.

Your issue isn’t that he works full time. As you do. It’s his hours and that he is an arse?

Who has your child over night? Gets up with him if wakes up etc.

Also how old is the child?

Ah, so you're happy for your partner to look after your son during holidays, but not for your ex's partner to look after your son during term time. This sounds a bit contradictory!

If you are concerned about the child maintenance dropping, then say that, and we can discuss that issue- but this seems to be quite one-sided in terms of you calling the shots in terms of what is acceptable and what isn't in terms of who is looking after your son.

From a step mum's perspective, all these comments being nasty about step mums are totally unnecessary, e.g. "no way would a step mum provide the same kind of parenting, etc, etc". Most likely the step mum won't want to act as part-time parent, I know I didn't!!