50/50 when other parent works full time

[Mlewis90]

Hi!
My ex partner has requested 50/50 custody of our son. We have been separated for 6 years. He has been seeing him 1-2 nights per week since we split. My question is that if he were to have my son 50/50, he would be working the majority of the time and it would be his wife looking after my son. I don’t feel I should lose my time with my son for a step parent to have extra time with them. I have offered a compromise if an increase in time but not 50/50 but he has declined.
Had anyone been through similar? Not sure where I stand on this.
Thanks!

@sunlovingcriminal how can you say that it's the OP calling the shots? She's asked for her ex to help more in the past and he said no. Now it suits him, he's expecting to get 50/50. Surely it's the ex calling the shots here, not the OP?

@ColdButSunny she's calling the shots as she has now vetoed him having 50/50 despite him offering it- on the grounds that she doesn't want ex's partner looking after the child (despite her own partner doing that during the school holidays).

It sounds like circumstances have moved on (like they do in life!), and ex can now have the child more nights. I'm not sure why this wouldn't be considered a good option for the child.

Instead it sounds like a combo of not letting him have the nights because of not wanting ex's partner to have child and/or to punish him for not being available previously for holiday cover (which I agree is shit, but as I said circumstances sound like they have changed.)

Ok but you can't say that the OP is calling the shots. In the past he wanted less and he got less. Now he wants more and he'll get more (whether that's 50/50 or not). Neither of those were the OP's preferred choice.

If you're working nights, are you always there for bedtime and breakfast or are you happy for your partner to take on this role?

I understand you want the maximum time with your DS and there are lots of arguments against 50:50 (I don't believe it's right in lots of situations) but your ex working full time doesn't feel like a good enough one if he's there overnight.

You can't reasonably object to your ex's partner looking after your child in their time together while also having your own partner look after your child during your time together.

Also... people use childcare (both formal and informal). That's a fairly normal part of modern life. It's not a terrible parenting failure to do so. If your ex were to argue that your child shouldn't live with you because you work nights and therefore (presumably) leave someone else with them overnight, you would be outraged, and rightly so. The fact of a parent working and needing to make childcare arrangements is not something that forms the basis of a solid argument here. I'm not saying he's not been a dick in the past, but I don't think these are reasonable objections.

The proposal he has made is one week with me, one week with him. He will be at work four week days (8am - 6.30pm) and the Saturday 8.30-5.30. So the vast majority of this time will not be spent with his father. I have no issue with the step mother but it’s the quantity of time I am losing when there is no extra time with his father, other then maybe an hour before bed. I have always offered him the extra time during holidays but when he declines, I have no other option but for my partner to watch my son so I can work. It just seems so unfair that I have always worked around the schedule that he has dictated and sacrificed moving up in my career so I can be a more present parent (my son is SEND and doesn’t cope well with school like care). So dad has had the bare minimum time with him for six years but now it’s convenient, he will have him for a whole week at a time.

He is probably asking for this to enable reduced child maintenance payments. HOWEVER, 50 - 50 with my ex worked brilliantly with me. My career got really on track and I am now a high earner. It also gave me time to 'find myself' after a long, quite damaging marriage and to holiday more.

I suspect my ex only wanted it because anything less would 'make him look bad', and now the children are older, the one still at home has defaulted to me.

I can't see your ex's new partner wanting to parent, though. I wouldn't want to do that.

Have you asked him how he plans to make 50/50 work considering he is not home to parents his child because he works? It's obvious the wife would be doing most of the work while taking care of their baby.

To be fair if you’re leaving him with your partner to work then you can’t really use him working against him. Both are cases of the child being looked after in the home.

you need to have a discussion about how things will work and remembering it’s about what’s best for your son not for either of you.

I think if one parent is unavailable to look after their child on a regular basis (all this 'put them to bed' is nonsense at 12+) and the other is available, then the available parent should be allowed to look after their child (if child agrees)....as would happen in any normal family. Step parents don't come into it.

I agree it’s taking quality time with his own mother if your a full time available mother I would also say that could be your disagreement to 50 50 in this case and mine hopefully

Why don’t you ask about school holidays, clubs, activities, parties etc and how ex will manage those?

does he propose the same in holidays, holiday clubs? What about Christmas, birthdays, etc? Fully discuss and ask about flexibility if either side required?

what about sickness, child’s or adults? How will he manage that?

will child have clothes, room, bed, electronics or stuff that he wants in both homes?

open up the discussion so you have more information, who will pay for duplicates, clubs, uniform etc? Both parents still responsible…

Can you afford to lose the child maintenance payments - what would have to change to help you afford it? You could say “I can adjust to a new timetable but I need 3 or 6 months to get myself in a place where this will work for me financially. I want dc to have a basic phone so he can stay in touch with me and as the 50:50 arrangement is your idea I expect you to pay for his phone and ensure he keeps it charged whilst at your house. Also, as I’ve paid for all dc’s clothes, shoes, toys etc which is a big upfront expense so I would like you to pay for the next size up of all his clothing and shoes - we can decide together what he needs.”

Usually I’d say 50:50 makes sense but in this case I agree with you. The big questions I have would be…

1. is ex dp proposing any change to his working hours to help his son feel he is benefitting from the extra time with dad?
2. if stepmom returns to work, what happens then?
3. what about extra curriculars, school trips, school lunches - who will pay/organise/take your son to them?
4. ditto playdates, sleepovers and birthday parties
5. ditto dental and medical appointments
6. will they have a full set of toys,clothes,school kit or will it have to be packed up and passed back and forth each week?
7. who will be home looking after your son during school holidays?
8. how will you split Christmas and your dc’s and family birthdays (eg if your birthday falls in your ex’s week, or if Christmas falls in his week)
9. if your son is off school sick, will it be stepmom or dad staying home to care for him
10. crucially - if the son isn’t happy with the new 50:50 arrangement, what then? There needs to be a Plan B as no guarantee it will suit anyone.

I think your right to stand your ground and quality time while he’s at work can be with you and him when he’s not! Makes sense especially with previous low input

I think in reality children prefer to have a stable home and care giver and often don’t like the disruption of changing over every week, even more so if they have SEN. He’s had 6 years of this pattern for whose benefit is the proposed change? Has your child requested it? A stable environment has been built for your son and that shouldn’t change purely because his dad wants it. Why is t he accepting time in the holidays if it’s so that he can spend more time with his child which is really the only justifiable reason to change. What happens when he changes his mind after the partner returns to work? I’d let him take it further so at least you’d have a stable agreement which both parties would need to stick to.

And for those mentioning about a childminder I think a parent is generally the better option there too if available

I agree with all of this and would think about drawing up a list of questions for ex along these lines. 50/50 doesn't seem to make any sense in your situation. I assume your DP just looks after DS when he's actually asleep so no loss of time with you there?

It doesn't feel a kind or sensible plan for a 6 year old DS with SEN to have his life turned upside down to spend a week mostly in the care of his step mum, who also has a new baby to look after, at the expense of time with his primary carer. Even if you did have to agree to 50/50, at 6 yo, I'd be proposing a different split like EOW then 2 nights each during the week. I'd also suggest a gradual increase to see how your DS gets on.

I'd also have a chat with a solicitor to see where you would actually stand rather than taking mumsnet word that he'd get 50/50 in your specific situation.

Who looks after him while you're at work?

No different to step mum then.
I think you need to accept this. As much as you're saying he's doing it to avoid maintenance it also means he could say you're refusing it to keep maintenance.
I would want a written agreement around things such a financial responsibility for clothes, phone, hobbies etc.

I've still not seen you answer how old your child is?

You can't do 50/50 with a 2 month old.

I hope that’s true I’ve heard many stories and I’m not breastfeeding I really think would break my heart

Thanks for your reply

I would ask him what he would do when his wife goes back to work. If he has a reasonable answer, I would agree and use that time to work more abd rest.

What is nasty about that statement?. You said you wouldn't even want to do it so you are proving the point?

@femfemlicious there is no point to prove. The children have two parents, mum and dad. Step parents can agree to help or not. Why should we be used as unpaid, unthanked childcare in this joyless situation?