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Original poster

Are they being PFB, or is DS terrible ?

55 replies

cmotdibbler · 18/03/2008 20:31

My DS (22 months)is a total whirlwind - constantly active, talking, signing, finding out what happens when... Everything in our sitting room etc is either non breakable or above child height.
Friends little girl is 4 months younger. She never fiddles with anything, just sits on the floor quietly, and so their house has a big glass vase on the hearth, stuff on all low surfaces, PS3 out on the side etc.

This weekend they were staying with us - DS gets a bit frustrated that she just doesn't do anything (or speak at all)and did hit her with a book and a toy at various points - not hard, and she wasn't at all upset. There was the usual amount of toy grabbing on both sides.

Friend has said to DH last night 'Is DS always that aggressive ?' and that his wife is now very stressed that her DD gets hit like that at nursery etc.

Now I feel a bit worried that he is - although he is never labelled as such at nursery and is actually commented on as playing really well with the other children.

Is it just the 4 month gap that makes him seem like this ? Or their personality differences ?

Or should I start saving for the ASBO now ?

OP posts:

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SquonkForgotHerEasterName · 18/03/2008 20:34

He sounds to me like a typical small boy.

Your mate's dd sounds like a very quiet little girl.

I'm sure that if he was being aggressive with other children, the nursery would have flagged it.

ceebee74 · 18/03/2008 20:36

I don't think it is either of those - it is just that children are all different and they have no experience of an 'active' child.

My Ds (20 mo) sounds exactly like your DS - a complete whirlwind . I started a thread a few days ago about some friends of mine whose DS (similar age) is so quiet, placid (for example will sit in a highchair for 2 hours plus without any problem) and I think the general consensus is that children are just different and the active ones are just more intelligent - it doesn't sound like your Ds is too aggressive at all.

terramum · 18/03/2008 20:36

I think it's just personality differences.

My MIL has a theory about babies. Basically there are 2 kinds: Monkey babies who are constantly on the go, into everything etc...and bulldog babies who are perfectly happy to sit there & watch the world taking it all in.

I have a full-on monkey baby

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2HappyEaster · 18/03/2008 20:37

All kids are different, some will sit quietly in a corner, others will be scaling the back of the sofa while holding the cat by it's tail and whirling it over their heads before releasing the cat to fly into and smash the last remaining unsmashed object in the room.
IMO yours is the more normal one (but, having a cat-weilding, sofa scaling, possession smasher I would say that )

gingerninja · 18/03/2008 20:37

Don't think it's fair to label them over protective ('being pfb') just because they're concerned that their DD might be hit at nursery because she's quiet, I'd think that's a pretty genuine concern.

FWIW It sounds like he's a typical boy but I don't think it's unreasonable to start teaching him that there are different types of behaviour for other peoples houses and that hitting isn't acceptable. Of course he'll listen for about 30 seconds but he does need to learn that.

Also, don't think there is anything wrong with your friends DD being quiet and not talking, different personalities like you say.

Weegle · 18/03/2008 20:38

Could be personality differences and the age difference. DS is 21 months and extremely active which parent's on less active toddler's sometimes seem to mistake for naughtiness. He's not naughty he's just a lively ball of fun! I expect your DS felt territorial about sharing his toys and got frustrated. As long as you told him he was wrong etc then I don't see what more you could do. And whilst her child might be nice and placid now, these things change. I also find with DS that I need to channel the energy - he HAS to do some decent exercise every day e.g. long walk, park, swimming, soft play etc. If you keep him in the house his behaviour deteriorates, so maybe there was an element of that? Whatever, I would take the comments with a pinch of salt. And don't forget there is already a marked difference between how the boys and girls play.

mrsflowerpot · 18/03/2008 20:38

They are just different children, that's all. Your ds is just a lively one and their dd isn't. I have one of each - ds at that age was into everything and we had everything virtually bolted down, dd was much more chilled and has never so much as put anything into the video player (although dd is now approaching 3 and making up for lost time ).

davidtennantsmistress · 18/03/2008 20:39

agree with squonk, sounds like he's the typical boy, she's the quiet girl. her parents are used to having a quiet child who plays nicely etc and doesn't show too much intrest as it were in touching, where as your ds is more inquisitive. neither is wrong.

Shouldn't worry about him having an asbo - children do do the taking toys etc, and ime do do the snatching/hitting etc. it's how you then deal with it that could mean if you need the asbo in later life or not!

Janni · 18/03/2008 20:41

He's completely normal.

When DS1 was the same age he biffed his cousin at her brother's christening and earned himself a reputation in the family which it took a few years to shake off.

A friend had a little girl of similar age and she would leave photos in glass frames around the fire place. 'I just say no and she doesn't touch them' . I was in awe.

My boy will be a world leader though and her daughter will be a secretary

ceebee74 · 18/03/2008 20:44

Terramum - I like that theory and I definitely have a monkey-baby

I struggle aswell as no-one in my family seems to have experience of a 'monkey-baby' even though my mum had 3 children and my sister has 3 children - they also occasionally imply that he is too naughty.

This reminds me of a colleague who is a bit obsessive regards a tidy house etc - she has a 2 year old DD so I often wonder how the hell she manages to keep the house spotless but her DD is also quiet and more 'language' orientated rather than physical activity. My house, otoh, looks like a bomb has gone off in a toy factory every single night and me and/or DH spend a good 15-20 minutes every night tidying up and trying to make sure all jigsaw pieces etc are still present and correct

lentengrrl · 18/03/2008 20:47

Janni - nice to see you shaking off those sexist stereotypes.

I can't be bothered to do a grin.

Original poster

cmotdibbler · 18/03/2008 20:48

Obviously I did get him to say sorry and give her a hug afterwards (No hitting. Say sorry).

Its not that he necessarily would break everything, but personally, I like to not be saying 'No, don't touch that' every 3 seconds if possible, and the cats are safe, if over hugged.

It was def worse as we had to be in as it was raining, and with a load of guests staying I can't bog off to swimming, and the child free guest is severely allergic to soft play !

Ginger - it was the way that it was said to DH really - they made a big thing of 'having a word' about it, wheras we accept that getting hit/bitten is just part of the rich pattern of toddler life for DS.

OP posts:

FairyMum · 18/03/2008 20:49

I have monkey-babies too, but I also wonder if boys are often a bit more boisterous. My own DD was also quite...eh.....active....but I hear so many parents of girls commenting on the "wild" boys and sometimes seeming a bit smug about their placid little girls. IME they tend to get more of a shock around the ages of 3 and 4 when girls starts playing up more and from this age on I think it can be more difficult to handle girls. They can be more complex and playground politics much more complex. But yes, parents of girls often lulled into false sense of security at the very early stages.

FairyMum · 18/03/2008 20:51

Forgot to say....I have never understood why parents want placid quiet babies who just sit there. so much more fun when they are full of life, no?

Nappyzone · 18/03/2008 20:53

My dd was a sit in a rubber ring and play with feely toys till she was about 16 months lol - i worried she would be poked at at nursery as she just sat and smiled but she has now turned into a hyperactive 5 yr old and has survived. My ds is now 16 months and it the ocmplete opposite monkey child - climbing, pan hurling, high chair escapee...... chalk and cheese as babies - i kinda hoped he would be easier lol !!

lentengrrl · 18/03/2008 20:56

and as a mum of girls I do get fed up with my girls being whacked by a boy whose mum then does that, oh boys will be boys shrug, what can you do eh? and then having to endure comments about quiet/passive/placid (aka dim) girls...

exactly the kind of thing that has been said on this thread, with the all excusing [wink} and to make it all better.

lentengrrl · 18/03/2008 20:56

Desiderata · 18/03/2008 20:58

A tad prickly, ain't we?

lentengrrl · 18/03/2008 20:59

prob

gingerninja · 18/03/2008 21:00

to make a point of 'discussing' it is a little OTT and they're going to have a long and stressful parenthood ahead of them in that case.

I always get pangs of irritation when I see the PFB comments though because it's basically people dismissing your feelings (in a kind of 'it must be your time of the month' type way).

Maybe you could have a chat with your friend see if you can help relieve some of her anxiety? If I go to friends I always say, look if you're uncomfortable with anything DD is doing please just tell her / me so I don't have to worry that they're sitting there thinking I'm being slack for letting my DD poke their babies eyes or swinging from their curtains. Their house their rules type thing.

PerkinWarbeck · 18/03/2008 21:01

[hmm} at all the gender stereotyping.

my DD is active, loud, boisterous and physical. shall I assume that as only boys are like this naturally, that she has gone feral due to my own crap parenting?

actually - don't answer that

Original poster

cmotdibbler · 18/03/2008 21:05

DS's best friend at nursery is a girl and she is just as active as she is. To an extent, that may be the problem, in that he spends a lot of time in the company of other very active children in an enviroment designed to allow that, and finds the change to home and a quiet guest hard.

I would never excuse hitting as 'boys will be boys', but wanted to check that he wasn't unusual in being like this.

Any tips for helping him share at home better - alas having other children round more isn't an option.

OP posts:

Janni · 18/03/2008 21:07

I'm sorry Lentenggirl, I didn't mean to offend. I was empathising with the OP - I always felt very inferior to the mothers of quiet girls and just couldn't understand what I was doing wrong. I was never a 'boys will be boys' at all - I always felt mortified.

Also I now have a daughter who's very meek around other children so I've seen both sides of the coin.

bluenosesaint · 18/03/2008 21:15

I have one quiet, gentle, girly girl and one totally wild, loud and fiesty girl - no gender stereotyping here!

To OP - no, your ds doesn't sound as though he's terrible, nor do the parents sound as they are being PFB over their little girl. Both sound completely normal - it wouldn't do for us all to be the same, would it?

Definitely sounds like personality differences to me.

lentengrrl · 18/03/2008 21:16

ah, it's ok. desi was right, i prob was being prickly - both my girls are quite chilled although one is chilled and quietly into everything, she flies right underneath the radar... whilst getting up to all sorts (poking tin foil into the only socket in the house without a cover on it! and where did she get the foil from?)

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