Are they being PFB, or is DS terrible ?

[cmotdibbler]

My DS (22 months)is a total whirlwind - constantly active, talking, signing, finding out what happens when... Everything in our sitting room etc is either non breakable or above child height.
Friends little girl is 4 months younger. She never fiddles with anything, just sits on the floor quietly, and so their house has a big glass vase on the hearth, stuff on all low surfaces, PS3 out on the side etc.

This weekend they were staying with us - DS gets a bit frustrated that she just doesn't do anything (or speak at all)and did hit her with a book and a toy at various points - not hard, and she wasn't at all upset. There was the usual amount of toy grabbing on both sides.

Friend has said to DH last night 'Is DS always that aggressive ?' and that his wife is now very stressed that her DD gets hit like that at nursery etc.

Now I feel a bit worried that he is - although he is never labelled as such at nursery and is actually commented on as playing really well with the other children.

Is it just the 4 month gap that makes him seem like this ? Or their personality differences ?

Or should I start saving for the ASBO now ?

Could it be that these parents felt that your DS was actualy socialising more than their little girls ? You say he is very good at playing with the other children in nursery. Perhaps these parents had a little dig because they were actually a bit jealous? Remember this little girl might be a monkey-baby at home with her parents, but go quiet when others are around and if first-time parents perhaps they wish their girl was a bit more outgoing?

OP - think your DS sounds the more 'normal' or typical of the two!
I also disagree with the gender stereotyping. My DS is of the monkey child persuasion but of his friends one of the girls is far more of a monkey than even he is whereas another little boy we know is very passive.
I do think it has something to do with how they're brought up/birth order. The very passive boy we know has quite strict parents and is the youngest in a big family whereas DS only has lackisdasical (?sp) old me for company.
My Mum says I was a whirlwind (and never napped for more than 20min ) whilst my younger brother was so quiet you'd forget he was there (presumably amply entertained by my antics).

Agree with FairyMum (x-posts). It must be great to have a very well behaved child (I imagine) but also a bit concerning when then don't talk/join in much.

Message withdrawn

lentengrrl - I have a quiet, gentle dd and very little child-proofing. I also hear that 'boys will be boys' when she is hurled about and thwacked with toys. (She does have a very boistrous girl-friend too, as it happens - no excuses made there).

It's all fine when it's give and take - but for some kids it seems to be all take and that's hard for parents. And it is defintely not sour grapes - I have no desire to have an aggressive child TYVM.

If they were there for a whole weekend and spent all of both days together and he hit her twice that whole time then I would think that quite a calm well behaved weekend!! God, i sound like I'm condoning violence but I'm not at all!!! Just that within a whole day of a toddler playing with another toddler there is usually at least one incident of one of them twatting the other one with a toy or something.

hmm.

Some children are bloody hard work.

Boys are physically different. They have more muscle mass, are neurologically different, can be emotionally immature, and have a (surprise surprise) higher testosterone level.

Trying to pretend that boys and girls start out on an equal footing in all areas is ridiculous. Boys are more likely to be monkey babies, girls are more likely to be chatty babies. The stereotype has come about through people's daily experience of babies they know.

You have to adjust your expectations to a child's abilities - if running for hours without whining and dragging your feet was viewed as an important life skill (as it actually was when we evolved) then monkey babies who all to often turn into monkey children would be the epitome of perfection - cheerful, energetic and robust.

But we place too high a value on sitting down and talking. It's almost abnormalising typically male child behavior and development.

Dare I say that it's also making us, as a culture, fat?

Ah antiFlo - I do agree there. Our whole education system based on bums on seats is entirely unnatural.

I think it's quite rude of your friend's DH to say that to you, to be honest...You could say the same ('Is your child always such an docile bore' springs to mind... )...if you were being petty, of course

Your little boy sounds perfectly normal to me. Perhaps your friend's child will always be quiet and obedient - or perhaps in a year's time she will also be parenting a boisterous toddler and will cringe when she remembers this.

Excuse emoticon malfunction

I will never forget going on holiday with (at the time) dp with another couple we knew, when ds1 was 14 months, and their daughter was 2.5.

We were horrified at how naughty she was. She was willfully disobedient! Spiteful! Destructive! Violent! Hyperactive!!! We didn't, of course, mention our horror to her lovely parents, but we mentioned it to each other, plenty. Our son was NOT going to be like that! And he wasn't.

He was worse.

We ate our words, we ate them sprinkled all over Humble Pie and I am still eating mine to this day.

AntiFlounce - that's FUNNY!

I feel much better now ! I asked at nursery this morning whether they thought he was agressive, and they looked at me in a rather confused way, and described him as perfectly normal for age, and actually quite good with other children.

They are quite strict with her, and quite hands off. Also she's the oldest in a very tight age group room at nursery, wheras DS is the youngest in a larger room so he tends to play like the older ones. Apart from DS, the only child they see on a regular basis is a very passive, shy 2.5 yr old girl, so it may just be expectations.

Almost certainly their expectations then.

My dd went through stages, but was mainly the monkey type (though not so mobile due to physical problems).

Ds was a gentle little boy who would always be at the receiving end of any bites, whacks whatever.

Me and my brother were the same, apparently. And I don't think it was birth order either, as ds is younger than dd, but I was younger than db. Personalities.

Also, people change. A child that is gentle and serene at 14 months may be quite a handful as a 2yo.

What I did learn with dd is the immense importance of making placating noises to other parents, whatever your personal opinions as to the merits of the passive child. They'll be more upset than their child. Be kind to them. Practise in front of the mirror. It won't hurt your ds.

at all the gender stereotypes. I have two monkey babies - one male and one female.

I am actually at some of the comments on this thread. Just because a child is not very active/boisterous does not mean they are placid and boring.

At 18 months the child might not yet be walking, and might go on to be quite active once she gets on her feet. And 4 months is a large gap at that age. My DD has been brought up alongside my friend's DD and the gap then was still quite big - now at 4.2 and 3.10 it is very small.

In answer to the q - it is neither PFB or that your DS is terrible, just that they are different children at different stages.

different ages, different stages. at 18 months DS was a placid little angel, by 23 months he was an orrible little toddler whirlwind! at 18 months I genuinely didn't get why my friend with a DD the same age wouldn't go with her DD to the art gallery but would only go on her own.

Each child is differently. DD used to be a angel, she never touched anything after being told not to, would sit and look at books for ages. I never had to move any vases and our house remained unchanged. DS by contrast throws himself about the house, is forever climbing on furniture, breaks anything that isnt nailed down and cant be trusted.

If DS had come round to visit us and I only had DD I would be thinking 'oh he's a bit lively' however I now know from experience that its nothing to do with how they are brought up but more their individual temprement.
Theres nothing wrong with your DS, he sounds exactly like DS.

It isn't clear from the original post if you told your DS that hitting is not OK. My DD is usually a monkey baby, but has been hit (by both boys and girls) with toys occasionally. I consider it one of the normal things that happens to your DC when growing up, but only if the parents take it seriously and tell the child that hitting is not acceptable (the degree of this depending on the age).
If your DS hit my DD and you shrugged your shoulders because it's a phase that he's going through and he was frustrated because my DD wasn't doing anything then I would be livid. Not at your DS, but at you.

(I'm also a bit at the comments on this thread re: gender and the "best" kind of baby)

I've been thinking about this Mrs Mouse and in our groups of moms and toddlers no-one would consider it acceptable for one child to hit another. Normal and inevitable from time to time, especially for some, perhaps - but not acceptable and the parents would make that clear. I can't think of anyone who would think and act as if it was just 'OK'.

dd and ds both monkey babies. I knew someone with an extremely placid (but not boring!) dd and I think she just found it really hard to understand how their behaviour could be so different and would look on in horror and amazement at my two rolling around the floor like a couple of overgrown puppies. I must admit I did used to dread seeing her a bit but may have been over sensitive.

My son was a total monkey baby, but now at the age of six he is angelic. He works hard at school and doesn't get into trouble.

I don't think that hitting is acceptable, but these things happen. Your friend's angelic daughter might go through the terrible twos in a couple of months time.

My ds1 is very highly active (I don't think 'hyperactive' but he is a real whirlwind). Dd is active but not so manically so. Ds2 is gentle and placid as anything. I wouldn't like to label their intelligence by their activity, as someone suggested higher up. They are just different characters!

Bozza, TortoiseSHELL I am also a bit at some of the comments. I have a very placid 18 month old who will never snatch/hit etc. Nothing to do with my parenting, just his personality
He's a boy. Also, he's not dull or boring. He's just different. TBH I get a bit sick of parents with more active children saying 'He's so boisterous because he's very bright'. So DS is stupid then?

Back to the Op. I don't think anything needed to be said really - different children, different parenting expectations not really necessary to make a big deal of it...

And he is active in the run around the park and walk for miles way - just not in a boisterous into everything way so I think the link between placidity and obesity is a [hmmm]