Ex wants to keep DD off school to spend time with her

[Ellie991]

I'll try and keep this short. At the start of our seperation 2.5 years ago STBXH moved abroad and visits 5 yo DD once a year (his choice, he could definitely visit more). We tried indirect contact but it failed miserably due to a lack of commitment and interest on his part.

I'm taking DD away on holiday a week after next as it's the only time we could afford to go. Ex is aware of this and I explained that during his 2-week visit he could only see her for 5-6 days and suggested he visits during spring break in Feb and has her for full 10 days. He agreed.

However, he changed his mind a few days ago. He is taking DD Sunday to Thursday and plans to keep her off school. He will be staying at a relative's place who lives an hour's drive from DD's school. I presume he cba with the drive as he did complain the last time he had to do the school run for 2 days. He also feels that because I am taking DD on holiday during school term, he could just not send her to school and stay at wherever he's staying. Family will be at work/school so it'll be just the 2 of them at home, doing nothing.

I have already told him no but fear he will do what's on his mind.

True.

He is not good with keeping to a call's schedule. I said he could call every Sunday between 6 and 7. In 2 months, he missed 5 out of 7 calls. He wouldn't message to inform he wasn't calling and when I asked his response was he had an emergency. Everytime.

Neither of you are really giving a shit about your daughter's education. Both of you are prioritising money, holidays, yourself or winning an argument against each other.

I have no time for any of it.

Try harder.

Bloody hell!

Get some actual legal advice and say no to him taking her for 10 days. He can come and visit her at your house because he has no relationship with her.

He won’t take you to court because the court will expect him to agree to and stick to a schedule in the child’s interests.

Call a solicitor tomorrow and get some actual advice. Stop reading bullshit on line and then deciding that you must just hand your 5 year old over to a man she does not know because he demands it and he’s listed on her birth certificate.

The school attendance is the least of your worries here.

Thank you for sharing your opinion.

I will try to work harder to be a better mum.

I really do need legal advice. I have been so stupid to let him mess us about like he has. I feel like I have let my daughter down on many levels. I have myself for this. Will look into finding a good family solicitor tomorrow.

Thank you.

Please stop being so mean to yourself. He’s clearly a selfish irresponsible bastard and he’s got to you. That’s not your fault!

You sound like you’re doing a great job as a mum and he’s worse than useless. Stick up for your daughter and what’s best for her, which isn’t a big chunk of time away from you with this unreliable loser. He’s had plenty of options and pissed them away. I wouldn’t let her go. In theory all you need to do is make her available for him to see her, that doesn’t include him taking her out of school. Without a CAO you don’t even need to agree to his proposed visits.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

Does he pay maintenance?

Even before seeing that solicitor you can just send him a message saying that it is inappropriate for him to be having your daughter overnight because he has no relationship with her and she doesn’t know him. He is welcome to come to visit her at your house on X day for X amount of time.

Because she doesn’t know him. He’s a stranger. The fact he’s turned up out if the blue doesn’t change that.

He’s got no intention of establishing consistent contact even by phone with her. He will never pursue a CAO. And, even if he did, that order would insist on consistent and regular contact. It would also insist that he establishes a relationship with his daughter through regular and consistent contact before he can even consider overnight contact.

He hasn’t got a leg to stand on. Having PR means he’s responsible - so he should be paying maintenance, for example. It doesn’t mean he has the right to demand access to the child on his own terms whenever it suits him.

You should welcome it if he pursues a CAO. A court will not be impressed by a man who cannot manage to consistently turn up to see a child on even a six monthly basis.

Of course it is but why are OP's 5 days fine but his 5 days aren't. Ridiculous.

He paid for 4 months and then stopped. Haven't received a penny since August last year. He quit his job just as we started divorce. He sometimes sends voicenotes late morning on weekdays and he sounds like he just got up so this makes me think he is still umployed. But could be working cash in hand on weekends or whatever.

Thank you. Points you've made are very reassuring.

I really do need legal advice. I have been so stupid to let him mess us about like he has. I feel like I have let my daughter down on many levels. I have myself for this. Will look into finding a good family solicitor tomorrow.

Truly this is the best thing you can do for you and your daughter. The current situation only benefits him and certainly not her.

You totally lost any high ground to tell him not to keep her off school when you booked a holiday which entails keeping her off school 🤷
Especially as seeing a parent who she rarely sees is actually a better reason to be off than a holiday!
But ultimately, you are both being totally unreasonable and both putting your own convenience/wants above what is best for your DD.

I don't think going on holiday is less important than seeing a parent who chooses to see his daughter once a year because he simply can't be bothered to visit. Personal opinion here. But, 5 days out of 365 with her Dad will not benefit her in any way.

I do agree going away during term time is not the right thing to do in terms of her education though.

I’m so confused that you’re letting a man that doesn’t know your daughter, who she isn’t comfortable with and has no relationship with, take her for several days to another strange man’s home. Especially as you’ve bothered to mention his family in a non Hague convention country too.

I'm thinking exactly what @Chaiandtoast is!
This sound like a a very unpredictable risky situation all round.

Please definitely speak to a lawyer before her contact starts.
Your daughters needs and safty have to be the priority for both you and her dad.