Ex wants to keep DD off school to spend time with her

[Ellie991]

I'll try and keep this short. At the start of our seperation 2.5 years ago STBXH moved abroad and visits 5 yo DD once a year (his choice, he could definitely visit more). We tried indirect contact but it failed miserably due to a lack of commitment and interest on his part.

I'm taking DD away on holiday a week after next as it's the only time we could afford to go. Ex is aware of this and I explained that during his 2-week visit he could only see her for 5-6 days and suggested he visits during spring break in Feb and has her for full 10 days. He agreed.

However, he changed his mind a few days ago. He is taking DD Sunday to Thursday and plans to keep her off school. He will be staying at a relative's place who lives an hour's drive from DD's school. I presume he cba with the drive as he did complain the last time he had to do the school run for 2 days. He also feels that because I am taking DD on holiday during school term, he could just not send her to school and stay at wherever he's staying. Family will be at work/school so it'll be just the 2 of them at home, doing nothing.

I have already told him no but fear he will do what's on his mind.

Just say no. By your own admission he's not traceable in the uk, so what's he going to do? How on earth can spending time away with him be in her best interests? She doesn't know him?

He lives in Europe but has close family members in a non-hague convention country where he visit very regularly.

@Ellie991 believe me he cannot dictate to you what happens. You are the resident parent and you decide until it has been to court and there is a court order in place he can't force you to do anything. Stay strong xx

You would have been right but you lost any moral high ground you had by choosing to go on holiday in term time yourself. You’re complaining your ex could have done things differently, but you had other options too like saving for longer or going somewhere else.

Both of you are wrong but no need for you to be a hypocrite about it.

Who told you this?

There are multiple separate issues

1. Allowing him unfettered access simply because he is her father is not needed. You agree a schedule and if he can't stick to it then it's up to him to take it further
2. Your reasons for taking her out of school are nonsense.
3. His reasons for taking her out of school are nonsense
4. Your latest comments about allowing him to take her out of school because you "realise that time with him although a very absent father by choice is important" is passive aggressive, and frankly isn't putting your child first.

Let him take you to court for access. They'll
Laugh at him.

While no court order in place you have every right to withhold contact. I've done it myself in the advice of a solicitor

Most comments on here state otherwise...

And she's five I wouldn't worry about taking her out of school in term time so don't beat yourself up over that regardless of what some people think!

You're not being a hypocrite for booking a holiday in term time btw. There's a big difference between taking your five year old on holiday and a stranger taking her away for a week x

I'd be saying no to contact and getting an arrangement order in place for time to be spent with him in school holidays.

Having parental responsibility doesn't mean he just gets to do what he wants. It means he has equal right to make decisions and have a relationship with the child.

But no, I also don't agree with term time holidays. Knowing how much my 5 year old is learning on a daily basis I couldnt allow her to miss that much and have to catch up

He doesn't live in the uk! He is not traceable here. Who is it that's going to make you?

Thank you for this.

He refuses to agree any schedule both for direct and indirect contact. I'm afraid saying no will be held against me when we do go to court. I also think for the sake of an annual visit, I should probably just make things easy.

Who told you that you need to agree to any request or that it will be held against you?

No way in earth would I send my 5 year old child off with a stranger, which is basically what he is. Father or not. He doesn't make the effort to see her regularly and cancels plan with you in regards to contact.
I'd tell him I'd see him in court then expect never to hear from him again tbh.

I have read lots of comments (on many forums and social media) although not by legally trained professionals perhaps that refusing contact is disfavourable when it comes to a CAO. I don't want to be seen as discouraging a relationship.

I have asked him to try and work towards developing a healthy and consistent relationship with DD but he just doesn't seen to care.

His visit later this week is not soley for the purpose of visiting DD. It's mostly for other reasons.

What goes against you is not acting in the best interests of the child. I think not sending her off with a stranger who refuses to make any clear plans is definitely in her best interests

This

In that case, you have not been told by any person you'd have reason to trust. What you need to show is that you are acting in the best interests of your child, offering times that are suitable for her and reasonable for him to be able to achieve.

Surely any successful case for parental alienation would take into account the bigger picture, not one refusal to allow your child to be taken out of school for a second week in the term. Context like all of the written records of your asking him to be more involved with her, you repeatedly asking him to have more consistent contact, you repeatedly asking for his dates and commitment to seeing his child, you emphasising in the refusal email that he can have any holiday time he damn well likes, it just needs to be in school holidays not term time.

You really don't think 5 days out of school is easier to catch up from than 10?

Neither of you should take her out of school

Generally this would be unreasonable but you are also taking her out of school term time so I don’t think you can complain or do anything. Ultimately it’s important for your dd to see her father if it’s only once a year (which is crap, I agree!)

I suspect the school will not be impressed. From next year suggest that neither if you take her out of school during term time. At her age you can probably just about get away with it.

And yet there is, every darn day, when she wakes up to care for, feed, clothe and raise her child, and he gives not one fuck about bearing any responsibility towards his child at all. He gives so little fucks that he promises and fails to deliver repeatedly on any form of appropriate contact with his daughter at all, without a single fuck to give. He's only seeing his daughter this trip at all because he's over for something else entirely, and even then she's a last minute afterthought.

Please don't say there can't be one rule for one and not for the other - every damn day he is living proof that the same rules do not apply to both parents in this case - not even remotely!

He currently sees her once a year, by choice. Even if a court decided he should see her more often, he doesn't want to. So what are you worried about?

I would get legal advice first, but I'd seriously consider saying he can't see her in person unless he sticks to regular long-distance contact, e.g. fortnightly video calls. I'd be surprised if a court thought that was unreasonable.