Really worried about ex's treatment of our child

[Cicchetti]

* some very minor facts altered for anonymity

Tl;dr version: my daughter hates her father and cries about going to his. I don't know what to do.

Longer version:
I left my ex 4 years ago due to emotional abuse. He treated me with extreme control and cruelty, but it manifested in mind games and criticism. He didn't call me names or physically abuse me, but it was absolute hell living with him.

He largely ignored our daughter (now 7) when we were together, though he did want the adulation and attention of being Daddy

He is now with a new woman and they have a baby. He wants our daughter more, no doubt to pay less maintenance. He is evil and vindictive and would definitely lie to make me look bad. He is also a posh twat and may appear more credible than me (immigrant, single mum).

DD hates her father. She constantly tells me that he is not kind to her. Recently she woke screaming his name in terror and when I asked what was wrong, she said Daddy isn't nice to her. She frets about having to see him and categorically doesn't want to go to his house.

She refuses to tell me what he does that is so bad. She says it's private and she is afraid of him. She is receiving some light counselling at school, but she refuses to engage

What could he be doing to her? What can I do to help?

Let him take you to court.. Maybe dd will confide in Cafcass when they get involved.. It is your responsibility to keep her safe. And if you are sure she is at risk that means she doesn't see him.. Don't try to question her. Leave it to the professionals..

Don't let her go there and speak to the safeguarding team at school about her reaction to going to her father's house.

Last year, he caused DD extreme anxiety by pressuring her to ask for more time at his home. She had an emotional breakdown of sorts. The school characterised this as a dispute among the parents and wanted to keep their hands off.

Is there any way to make them listen?

@Needtogrowsproutsfordecember what if DD refuses to speak with CAFCASS? My ex seems like a normal person on the face of it.

My solicitor also told me that it's basically assured the court would give him 50% custody.

I'm just not sure the system can be trusted to reduce a child's contact with a cunning, emotionally manipulative father

They will speak to her as standard. If they fear she is keeping something they have ways of handling such things. She won't feel interrogated so don't worry.

I'm also not sure she's at risk. I know he is mean and cold and controlling. I don't know what he has done to make her so afraid.

Have you told your ex how she says she feels?

How often does he have her now?

I have told him that she would like to spend more time with me, but nothing negative about him as I am afraid he will become angry and take it out on her

He has her 3 nights a week

Your daughter says it's privet and won't tell you? That seems strange to me. She needs to understand that you can only do anything if you what is going on when you aren't there.
The fact you don't tell your ex how your daughter feels it's also strange. He isn't even aware that she is afraid of him?
Seems to me you are afraid of him, which your daughter can sense too.

You need to first start with a conversation with your ex about what she is saying and asking how he thinks the relationship can be improved.

On one hand you say you are not sure she is at risk, on the other hand your dd says she is frightened but what he is doing is private.

So clearly there IS a safeguarding risk.

You daughter is 7. She cannot advocate for herself and your job is to protect her.

So speak to the school, the GP, social services if needs be so it can be looked into.

The school's view is that she won't talk about things that upset her as this information is one of the few things in her life that she can control.

Yeah, I am afraid of him. There's something very wrong with him. It is difficult to explain to someone who hasn't dealt with him. I truly believe he is mentally ill / has a personality disorder.

It would not work out well to tell him our daughter is afraid of him. He would probably act normal and sad in the moment but then in the fullness of time would become angry and resentful towards both of us (because he can't take responsibility for himself and the consequences of his actions), and then find small and devious ways to punish us both.

@YoBeaches I have two concerns:

1. My ex will twist this into me trying to alienate our child from him; and
2. Because he can put on a decent facade for quite while, no one will see the truth, that he's actually a poisonous person who is (possibly) causing our daughter mental anguish.

There is a big grey area between abuse and strict parenting/cold and distant patriarch/emotionally unavailable. Without hitting or name calling, I have serious doubts whether any intervention would be deemed appropriate.

I know this is a horrible thing to ask but have you gone to the doctor and ruled out sexual abuse? The secret keeping "privacy" thing us a huge red flag.

I would stop contact and try to get her some play therapy. Whatever has happened there has badly frightened her and it needs to be addressed. I think you should also talk to your GP about her nightmares and the fear of him she has expressed, and have the same conversation with staff at any setting she attends - you need to create a paper trail and get things recorded, because he may fight for contact.

It sounds very much like your child is being sexually abused by her father. You categorically cannot allow her to go there anymore and need to contact social services asap

It is nothing to do with the school, you need to seek legal advice

Otherwise it is 2 parents putting the child in the middle and blaming each other

Please stop sending her! Something is very wrong

Can you explain to her there is nothing in the world she needs to keep secret from mummy and it actually against the law to tell a child to keep secrets from their mum (coercive control). So she is safe and if tells mummy whatever is scaring her mummy can help?
Tell her if the secret involves anyone else it might be a secret that shouldn't be kept.

Maybe tell her that she has to talk to school about it so that they know how to keep her safe.

How will that work?

Surely you have an example of what she means when she says he's unkind to her? From what you've posted a court would grant 50/50, there's no reason not to, as you say school have found nothing concrete out, nor have you.
When you ask her about her stays does she tell you what she does, what the new gf and baby are like etc?

I agree with pp who suggested play therapy. OP look into how to access this via whatever means you can. Speak to the safeguarding lead at school. Speak to your GP so that the situation is documented. It can take a long time for a child to feel safe to talk to a counsellor. If she can't talk to teachers, they must be able to access some sort of counselling that gives her time to trust the counsellor.

@Allinarow48 I was a bit worried about potential sexual abuse a few years ago because of some concerning things my daughter said. The GP reported this to social services.

Social services visited MY home but not my ex's. They put a lot of weight on my opinion rather than doing any kind of objective investigation (I said that I hadn't suspected any sexual abuse but her comments had me concerned).

I told them he was abusive to me and they were keen to focus on him not being knowingly abusive to DD. They suggested that the problems were down to different parenting styles.

Ex made a huge point about how this was evidence of me trying to alienate him from DD.

@RedHelenB no. She won't tell me.

From experience, I can guess that at the very least it's general pissiness, unfairness in dealings with his GF's child, talking down to her, ignoring/invalidating her feelings and emotional needs, forcing everything to be his way, shouting over small things/general feeling of walking on eggshells, possibly calling her a crybaby when she is upset about the way she has been treated, withholding love/cuddles.

I understand that there's probably nothing illegal about creating an unpleasant and un-nurturing environment for your child. But it's extremely difficult watching my daughter suffer so much anguish.

@WandaWonder my legal advisor (an extremely expensive and well-regarded law firm) told me that I must be seen to be nurturing DD's relationship with her father and encouraging contact, even back when my ex was causing our daughter extreme anxiety by involving her in this dispute.

Thanks to father's rights activists, the extremely -difficult-to-rebut presumption in family court is that fathers should get 50/50 time.