Really worried about ex's treatment of our child

[Cicchetti]

* some very minor facts altered for anonymity

Tl;dr version: my daughter hates her father and cries about going to his. I don't know what to do.

Longer version:
I left my ex 4 years ago due to emotional abuse. He treated me with extreme control and cruelty, but it manifested in mind games and criticism. He didn't call me names or physically abuse me, but it was absolute hell living with him.

He largely ignored our daughter (now 7) when we were together, though he did want the adulation and attention of being Daddy

He is now with a new woman and they have a baby. He wants our daughter more, no doubt to pay less maintenance. He is evil and vindictive and would definitely lie to make me look bad. He is also a posh twat and may appear more credible than me (immigrant, single mum).

DD hates her father. She constantly tells me that he is not kind to her. Recently she woke screaming his name in terror and when I asked what was wrong, she said Daddy isn't nice to her. She frets about having to see him and categorically doesn't want to go to his house.

She refuses to tell me what he does that is so bad. She says it's private and she is afraid of him. She is receiving some light counselling at school, but she refuses to engage

What could he be doing to her? What can I do to help?

I find this hard to believe that with suspected SA she's being forced to see her dad by everyone

@oneflewoverthe ok, so are you suggesting I am lying?

This incident was a couple of years ago. I was treated like a hysterical troublemaker even though the stuff she said was very scary. Again, maybe it's because I am foreign or maybe telling people he was abusive to me makes them dismiss everything I say. Idk.

There have been no obvious signs of sexual abuse since then. Tbh my suspicion is that he's just mean and horrible in ways that are difficult for a 7 year old to explain. Adults can't easily identify narcissism. How could a child?

I think that in your position I would stop all chat with her about her fathers house and only discuss it if she raises it. To take the stress off.

Seperately I would book weekly play therapy for her to give her an impartial outlet to discuss her feelings.

At home I’d give it a few weeks and then start talking, completely seperately from anything to do with her father, about pshe type subjects. Mix things up so that she doesn’t feel lectured at but include the nspcc pants rule, the idea of keeping suprises not secrets, the idea that you can tell mummy anything, the idea of safe grownups- teachers, play therapist- that you can tell things to etc. I’d also cover things like what you should do if someone bullies you or hits you etc.

My gut feeling is that there’s something worse than separation anxiety or different parenting styles here.

@Wildhorses2244 thanks. These all seem like very sensible suggestions!

I don't have anything useful to contribute really. I spoke to a solicitor recently about 50:50 and the chances of it and she said it's not actually as common as people think 🤷🏽‍♀️ depending on your financial situation I wonder if it could be worth getting a second view on it.

The older your DD gets the closer she gets to an age where her opinion counts, and perhaps court will be useful then in terms of reducing the level of contact somewhat.

He sounds like a controlling bastard if she doesn't like going there to be then demanding more access. It's clearly not about her, at all

Also, is English your home language with her or do you speak another language at home? If she’s bilingual it’s probably worth finding some books in both languages which cover this sort of vocabulary so that you’re sure that she’s got the words on both languages to talk about it if she needs to?

@HazelWicker yeah, now that you say this, I think this is my general half-formed strategy. We need to get through this period when the court doesn't care about her opinions. Court could make sense when she is older.

@Wildhorses2244 good thinking 😊

My daughter has informed me that Daddy is kind when other people are around, including his girlfriend, but then he becomes unkind as soon as they leave the room.

Poor sweetheart.

I remember as a child going to my child minders after school. She was lovely and I am still close to her. Her daughter however (5 years older) was so mean to me. Would pull horrible faces at me across the room and stick her tongue out. As a child it was horrible and I couldn't wait to go home. I still remember the feeling.

I cannot imagine my own father making me feel this way.

Please withhold contact unless it's court ordered. It's truly awful.

She’s been really brave telling you that.

Would she feel able to tell a trusted adult at school do you think? So that you’re not trying to solve this on your own?

He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

OP you mention you are an immigrant - is there any way you could move with your DD to your home country? Have you asked your solicitor about this? Would obviously be a huge upheaval but could it be worthwhile in the long run?

@scoobysnaxx the advice of my (very expensive and prestigious) solicitor has consistently been that if I withhold contact, this will make me look like a bad mum who wants to disrupt their relationship, which would count against me in a child arrangements case. I have to be seen to be encouraging contact.

@Wildhorses2244

I do not think that she would tell a trusted adult this. She has in-school counselling and she refuses to engage for the most part.

It is very scary how he hides his behaviour from others, so there is no objective evidence even from the point of view of his girlfriend. He knows that what he is doing is wrong.

@TheOccupier unfortunately, no. My ex would never allow me to move with our daughter. I have done everything I can to throw myself into life in the UK as a result, so moving would cause extreme upheaval.

@TheOccupier rereading, I realise that you actually recognised that this would cause upheaval - but there is no chance my ex would allow us to move away in any case. He made me agree in a court order not to even move from our city for several years.

I agree with the play therapy /counselling suggestion. My DS did really progress with this.
If an independent professional raises concerns then that will help your case but don't position it like that initially otherwise he'll just say you are alienating.
Position it as something to help her and then see what comes out of that. I'm sure a good therapist will get to the bottom of it and then you can get a report foe the court

Ok this is a random extreme idea but can you buy a discreet recording device that you can attach to DD bag or coat when she goes there? I don't know how else you can see what's going on there.

This is an excellent idea.

I don't think that I could bring myself to send a recording device. It seems dodgy and probably illegal(?).

My ex is ramping up his nasty behaviour and demands to have our daughter more. I'm saying no, but am very anxious.

I don't think that I could bring myself to send a recording device. It seems dodgy and probably illegal(?).

Don't go there. It is a messy area of law and if you do it wrong the repercussions can be awful.

Unfortunately as your DD refuses to speak to people there is very little you can do and she will have to go to her dad's. The only thing you can suggest she does is try not to be alone with her dad including going to bed early when she is there.

If you withhold contact as she is there 3 nights a week there is a risk a judge will say she must live with him full time. Judges in Family Court are a law unto themselves.

My ex is ramping up his nasty behaviour and demands to have our daughter more. I'm saying no, but am very anxious.

Keep saying no. She needs to have a relationship with you as well.

@Reugny "If you withhold contact as she is there 3 nights a week there is a risk a judge will say she must live with him full time."

This is my worst fear. I have no faith in the family court system.

My ex is very devious and I am afraid that he is plotting something. He is currently unemployed and has a lot of time on his hands.

What is his wife like?

If she’s nice I wonder if you could have a conversation with her about the fact that dd is saying that she doesn’t want to go. And that you’re worried that the more he pushes for more contact the more she retreats. Wouldn’t completely solve the problem but it might prompt her to ask dd what she wants.

If he’s unemployed is it possible that the reason he wants her more is financial? If you think that’s likely I’d broach that and see whether forgiving maintenance might reduce his wish to have her more.

Neither are perfect solutions but might reduce him asking for more contact at any rate…

@Wildhorses2244
Taking money out of it is a good idea and is also something that I have considered. He is totally obsessed with money and I have no doubt at all that this is primarily about money for him (though he also will be putting on a show for his new wife about being a good dad).

However, I am worried that saying maintenance could be reduced if I can have our daughter more could backfire in some way. (Could it make it look like I am trying to alienate them? Could he reduce the payment and play silly buggers about scheduling just to terrorise me? This would be characteristic.)

The new wife has sent me harassing messages and been physically and emotionally intimidating to me before. She is not an ally.