Really worried about ex's treatment of our child

[Cicchetti]

* some very minor facts altered for anonymity

Tl;dr version: my daughter hates her father and cries about going to his. I don't know what to do.

Longer version:
I left my ex 4 years ago due to emotional abuse. He treated me with extreme control and cruelty, but it manifested in mind games and criticism. He didn't call me names or physically abuse me, but it was absolute hell living with him.

He largely ignored our daughter (now 7) when we were together, though he did want the adulation and attention of being Daddy

He is now with a new woman and they have a baby. He wants our daughter more, no doubt to pay less maintenance. He is evil and vindictive and would definitely lie to make me look bad. He is also a posh twat and may appear more credible than me (immigrant, single mum).

DD hates her father. She constantly tells me that he is not kind to her. Recently she woke screaming his name in terror and when I asked what was wrong, she said Daddy isn't nice to her. She frets about having to see him and categorically doesn't want to go to his house.

She refuses to tell me what he does that is so bad. She says it's private and she is afraid of him. She is receiving some light counselling at school, but she refuses to engage

What could he be doing to her? What can I do to help?

Hmmmm good points.

Could you try something to test the water and see how he reacts when the two are separated? Something like

“Dd is wondering if she can stay at mine on Tuesday nights for a few weeks because she wants to do choir after school. Would that be ok? No change to maintenance obviously as temporary “

See what happens? ….

If the new wife is physically violent to you is it possible she's hurting your child? I'd get the police involved if someone assaulted or threatened me.

Sorry if i'm being simple here but could you make an anonymous tip off to social services regarding your ex's behaviour??

Your poor daughter my heart goes out to her. This is so tricky to navigate but i'd probably want to run away with my baby and never send her again.

Please don't do this OP. As someone who has been involved in the court system multiple times and read numerous case law, this would be considered emotional abuse of the child, not to mention illegally sending a device into someone else's home to listen in on.

Have you looked into play therapy OP? I really think that it would help.

Document everything and take her to the GP to be assessed for stress.

I actually wouldn’t be ‘nurturing’ her contact with her father at all. Whatever your legal advisor says. Be careful not to bad mouth him, to be ‘unreasonable’ and being personal.

I’ve had to take a harder stance at one point. My Ex just wasn’t taking our DSs needs seriously, who has profound disabilities. So there was no way I could just think ‘oh well his father has rights I’ll just roll over’. NO way! I was watching DSs disabilities get worse and so I just centred absolutely everything around DS and said that I thought ‘it was in DSs best interests’ to spend 90% with me and instead encouraged my Ex to take DS to his activities and therapies. Which of course he didn’t want to do. So he just saw him less because he couldn’t be bothered.

Can you fill your DDs life with healthy clubs, activities and routines? Insist these are stuck to. A father who just wants the best for his kid, would not object. A father who just wants to neglect his kid but have them there to pay no maintenance would object. But have no leg to stand on.

Nice idea, but he is gearing up for war and now refuses any of my requests to have her extra (though he frequently asks me to have her when it's convenient for him).

The new wife is not physically violent. She is angry and erratic towards me, but that's it.

I'm not sure what the implications of this would be. I suspect he would blame me and that SS wouldn't be able to identify any specific problems.

Are you able to put a baby monitor that records in her room? You could perhaps not say it’s recording but make something up like you are sleeping soundly and didn’t hear her crying immediately last time for a while so want to be sure you are there for her straight away? Then if she wakes with nightmares again at least you have it on record and what she says to you to show GP or SS and can ask for advice. I get that if you withhold her visits he may go to court for more access. These recordings could also help with that. I know it’s an invasion of your daughters privacy but surely this could help?

Yup, record everything. Conversations between you and DD arguments with the ex and his new wife. You want every incriminating thing to be recorded.

@Allinarow48 just to note that recording my child has been a terrible idea. This is considered to be evidence of parental alienation (by me).

Gently persisting with play therapy is the best way to get evidence of abuse. It takes time and patience but children are much more likely to demonstrate what they are experiencing through play than through conversation.

@porridgecrumble but is that evidence admissible anywhere?

My daughter has now actually disclosed abuse, and no one cares. My ex is telling everyone that these are just lies that I have convinced her to tell

I had concerns about my DS when he visited his dad's house when he was similar age. Different things, more like neglect, like his clothes smelled of smoke, he was always tired and withdrawn. I stopped him going as I knew something wasn't right. It's such a horrible feeling, I really sympathise.
If you can, I would stop her going. I know it will cause loads more stress, but he really shouldn't be allowed to emotionally abuse her. She will trust you then hopefully enough to talk about what happened. Let him take you to court again.

Just read from the beginning. This is horrendous.who did she disclose the abuse too?
I don't care what anyone says but I'd be returning to my home country under darkness. Your poor daughter!!!!!

And play evidence can be used in court however I think it needs to be court ordered so that noone is accused of bribery etc. Our court system is a disgrace.

Have you reported what she said to the police. I know they use play therapy which is counted as evidence the same way a statement is.

@Wontletmeusemynormalname police and SS know all about it. They are doing nothing and I am told that if I don't encourage contact, the court will believe that I have turned my daughter against her father.

I think only the NSPCC and the police can advise you. I am so sorry.

Just to emphasise that I only made a small number of recordings. I didn't secretly record at her father's house or anything.