FIL smoking around the baby

[newmummytobe37]

Hi all,

This is a long post as I want to give some context.

Looking for some advice. I’m in my second trimester of pregnancy and starting to have conversations with the OH about the baby coming but arguments are starting around his dad being a heavy smoker.

I’ve said I’d like to find a compromise as I know his dad will never stop smoking (he smokes at least 1 an hour) but that I want to put our baby’s health first. I know that passive smoking and third hand smoke can be extremely harmful so I want to find a way of not offending my FIL but doing the right thing by our baby.

Sadly every conversation with my OH ends in an argument. His dad lives a few hours away so whenever he comes to see us he has to stay with us and usually for quite long periods of time. Whilst pregnant his smoking habits haven’t changed and whilst he was with us for Christmas he continued to smoke right outside the front door on most occasions so it all came back in when he re-entered, his clothes, skin and everything absolutely smells and our house smelt of fags for the 10 days he was here. He also doesn’t wash his hands after smoking. Even though I was suffering from an upper respiratory infection as well, he didn’t think about the smell causing issues for me when he’d set me off on coughing fits so I know he won’t think to change his habits once the baby arrives so I feel a conversation with him needs to take place. The other issue is he’s lost his sense of smell from smoking so has no idea what we can smell and no one is willing to say anything to him (do appreciate it’s hard to tell someone they smell).

my suggestion was that we speak to him nearer the time and explain the risks to the baby and ask if he smokes, he comes in, changes his clothes, washes his hands and doesn’t hold the baby for a while since he’s just had a fag. My OH has told me this is unreasonable and his dad shouldn’t be asked to do it. His compromise is he washes his hands but he can hold the baby straight away. This goes against any advice I’ve heard or read. Am I being unreasonable? I appreciate if he smokes every hour, changing your clothes is going to be challenging but was hoping he’d be willing to cut down whilst he was here. He’s a lovely guy so I’ve wrongly assumed he’d want to do the right thing. Sadly he doesn’t think about anything and no one is willing to pick him up on anything, so we all just have to keep quiet.

My OH and rest of the family keep saying the dad’s only thing in life is smoking and has poor mental health and my OH refuses to have any conversations with him as he said it will break him and worsen his mental health. Am I being selfish wanting to protect my child and just put some steps in place to limit the exposure to the harmful fumes?

we also have the issue that if we ever visit his dad we have to stay with him as it makes him happy but his house is beyond disgusting. He doesn’t clean it so it’s filthy, he also smokes in the house and we’ve had it on occasions we’ve been lying in our smoke smelling bed to see smoke filling the room. This is even with my OH’s son sleeping in the room next to him. I’ve also said I don’t feel comfortable staying there whilst pregnant and when we’ve had the child and that even staying there before I was pregnant left me with a chesty cough every time we stayed and the place is a health hazard. I thought we could just stay in a hotel but again my OH is telling me this will upset his dad. From my perspective his dad can do whatever he wants to do in his own home but not everyone wants to be put in that situation as anon-smoker. So if my OH is expecting us to stay there with the baby, it literally makes me wants to scream and cry and makes my blood boil.

I want to find a compromise but I don’t feel my OH is actually willing to find one. He just says I’m trying to keep him away from his family but in my mind I’d like to have our own rules in our own home and then just stay in a hotel when we go visit his family.

do I just give up and accept my child will be put at risk and I’ve got no choice? I feel we’re just going to continue being at loggerheads as my OH is refusing to have any discussions and I’m fighting to keep our baby safe.

I'm lost with what to do and not sure if I’m the issue.

He doesn’t have to stay with you. That’s up to you. If smoking is all he has then leave him to it. And don’t go and stay there. Sounds like you and your partner aren’t on the same page at all.

I think you and OH need to sit down and really talk about these issues. No way would I be compromising the health of my baby just to keep the peace.

He can stay in a nearby hotel and visit you for an hour a day if that’s the longest amount of time he can go without a cancer stick.

There’s absolutely no way I’d be going to stay with him ever again. Your OH can’t make you.

Has your OH done any reading up on this issue?

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Sorry wrote answer to you as a new post!

I’ve suggested his whole family stay in a hotel when they visit after having the baby and my OH was mortified (I don’t like the idea of potentially having 4 people descend on my house for days on end when just having a baby) - so I wouldn’t be able to suggest his dad stay in a hotel.

And clearly not! Anything I quoted to him apparently was rubbish.

My OH is just very concerned about upsetting his dad due to his mental health issues and his dad brought him and his sister up as his mum left them so feels he owes him the world. I do get it but I find it bizarre it means no one can say anything to him.

Well then to use a much loved MN phrase - you have an OH problem.

Don’t quote things - print out things from the Internet or ask for leaflets at your next midwife appointment.
What about your mental health? Does OH not care about causing you extra stress when you are pregnant?

I’m really trying but my OH gets very defensive and upset about it. I think some of it comes from a fear of not wanting to have the conversation with him dad. I did say if it was my parents I’d be telling them but because they don’t smoke and I don’t need to - not sure he believed me.

I was considering asking the midwife at our next appt but I don’t think it will go down well with my OH. To me it’s just common sense it’s dangerous but then I am very anti-smoking.

I don’t feel considered know as I think he’s just so consumed with worrying about his dads feelings and trying to keep the peace.

Stick to your guns. As a young child I nearly died from being around smokers.

And no he doesn't have to stay with you.

Nah sadly I’d be saying no if he’s not willing to compromise and your partner doesn’t appear to care about the health implications for your baby (who can’t get up and walk away)! I put my foot down with with as we went to visit MIL when my baby was 5 days old. Her partner got up within minutes of us getting there and went and smoked at the back door of their tiny house. The entire room filled with smoke. He then came back in breathing even more smoke all over us and rubbed the baby’s head on the way past 😑 I really regret not just standing up and leaving but I told my husband on the way home we would never be put in that situation again. Thankfully they don’t visit us for long and show very little interest now anyway so I don’t have to deal with him smoking when they come to us but I didn’t take my second child to their house as a baby and made my husband tell his mum on the phone that we wouldn’t be coming again if he was going to smoke. It was literally a 30 minute visit. I have no idea why you’d see a tiny baby coming in and think that was okay to do!

I would tell him straight but also give him the viewpoint of now he's going to be a grandfather he will want to be fit and well for his grandchild and does he want any support in cutting down or giving up?

I know of a few smokers that upon the arrival of their first grandchild, held the baby in their arms, either had a tear openly or to themselves and promptly vowed to give up smoking so they could enjoy being around longer with their grandchild.

They succeeded in giving up as the desire to enjoy being a grandfather was stronger than the desire to carry on smoking.

He needs to go outside if he insists on smoking. any refusal by him or your OH would be deeply, deeply selfish and unreasonable. Protect your child.

Never mind upsetting his dad what about upsetting you? And risking the health and life of your baby? Has he read the SIDS link to smoking?

I am going to say that as a smoker myself, I doubt very much that anything you print out will have any effect. While i obviously wouldn't smoke around someone's child. I don't actually believe a lot of the stuff around second hand smoke (not saying theres no risk, just that its exaggerated), and even less so third hand smoke (which was based on some very questionable "evidence").

I don't think that will win you the argument. However, this is your baby and you are perfectly entitled to implement whatever rules you see fit. You're not saying his dad can't see the baby. You just want to take precautions, which is fair. It's your OH who is absolutely unwilling to compromise.

What would happen if you spoke to FIL? Seeing as your OH just won't. Anyway, even though I am a smoker, as I said, stand your ground on this. I don't believe you should have to accept smoke around your baby.

That was my grandpa, god rest his soul.

but he definitely won’t stop smoking. It was 14 years ago but my OH’s son has stayed at his house and had him smoking around him so I don’t think this child will be special enough to stop him. He’s also 70+ now so stuck in his ways and the only thing he really does is smoke now.

I didn’t even go there as anything else I was talking to him about he just seemed to think I was making up so the argument ended as was going no where and no resolution.

You need to put your foot down on this though, it’s awful but I know someone’s baby who was exposed to third hand smoke and died. Obviously you never know if it was the direct cause or not but it’s known to increase the risk if SIDS significantly.

Honestly if your partner won’t prioritise his baby and pregnant partner then this isn’t going to work out.
You seem so concerned about upsetting him. You and him are supposed to be a partnership.

This.

You don’t have to see his dad, he can’t make you visit. If FIL wants to see the baby then he doesn’t smoke. End of conversation.

Thank you. Good to hear the POV from a smoker.

can I speak to my FIL? Well my OH threw that at me in the argument but then said it would break and destroy him - so made me feel guilty. He’s point blank said he won’t so it would be up to me if I didn’t just lie down and accept it. As I say he’s a nice guy, maybe I’m being naive to think he’d understand my POV. I know he doesn’t agree with all the restrictions with smoking these days though so maybe he won’t understand. I was sort of always relying on my OH’s sister maybe backing me as she’s a very caring soul but she defends her dads smoking as his only thing is life so not sure I’d have her as an ally either.

Smoking is not the only thing he has in his life, it’s the only thing he chooses to have in life. His grandchildren should be more important to him - an I say this as a ex smoker who gave up overnight when the man I was in love with said he’d never move in with a smoker.

He needs to prioritise you and his baby above upsetting his father over this disgusting habit.
It’s literally the health of his baby we’re talking about here. Stick to your guns. I’m pretty laid back in general but smoking is one thing I’m very strict on and my baby/children will not be around that.

There's no way I'd let a smoker hold my newborn baby or be staying with them.

You need to just not worry about offending the FIL and put the health of your baby first regardless.

I came back from the toilet at a family gathering to find MILS husband holding my baby. He was wearing his coat which I instantly knew meant he'd just come in from having a smoke. I went straight over and took my baby back. I don't know, or care if he was offended.