FIL smoking around the baby

[newmummytobe37]

Hi all,

This is a long post as I want to give some context.

Looking for some advice. I’m in my second trimester of pregnancy and starting to have conversations with the OH about the baby coming but arguments are starting around his dad being a heavy smoker.

I’ve said I’d like to find a compromise as I know his dad will never stop smoking (he smokes at least 1 an hour) but that I want to put our baby’s health first. I know that passive smoking and third hand smoke can be extremely harmful so I want to find a way of not offending my FIL but doing the right thing by our baby.

Sadly every conversation with my OH ends in an argument. His dad lives a few hours away so whenever he comes to see us he has to stay with us and usually for quite long periods of time. Whilst pregnant his smoking habits haven’t changed and whilst he was with us for Christmas he continued to smoke right outside the front door on most occasions so it all came back in when he re-entered, his clothes, skin and everything absolutely smells and our house smelt of fags for the 10 days he was here. He also doesn’t wash his hands after smoking. Even though I was suffering from an upper respiratory infection as well, he didn’t think about the smell causing issues for me when he’d set me off on coughing fits so I know he won’t think to change his habits once the baby arrives so I feel a conversation with him needs to take place. The other issue is he’s lost his sense of smell from smoking so has no idea what we can smell and no one is willing to say anything to him (do appreciate it’s hard to tell someone they smell).

my suggestion was that we speak to him nearer the time and explain the risks to the baby and ask if he smokes, he comes in, changes his clothes, washes his hands and doesn’t hold the baby for a while since he’s just had a fag. My OH has told me this is unreasonable and his dad shouldn’t be asked to do it. His compromise is he washes his hands but he can hold the baby straight away. This goes against any advice I’ve heard or read. Am I being unreasonable? I appreciate if he smokes every hour, changing your clothes is going to be challenging but was hoping he’d be willing to cut down whilst he was here. He’s a lovely guy so I’ve wrongly assumed he’d want to do the right thing. Sadly he doesn’t think about anything and no one is willing to pick him up on anything, so we all just have to keep quiet.

My OH and rest of the family keep saying the dad’s only thing in life is smoking and has poor mental health and my OH refuses to have any conversations with him as he said it will break him and worsen his mental health. Am I being selfish wanting to protect my child and just put some steps in place to limit the exposure to the harmful fumes?

we also have the issue that if we ever visit his dad we have to stay with him as it makes him happy but his house is beyond disgusting. He doesn’t clean it so it’s filthy, he also smokes in the house and we’ve had it on occasions we’ve been lying in our smoke smelling bed to see smoke filling the room. This is even with my OH’s son sleeping in the room next to him. I’ve also said I don’t feel comfortable staying there whilst pregnant and when we’ve had the child and that even staying there before I was pregnant left me with a chesty cough every time we stayed and the place is a health hazard. I thought we could just stay in a hotel but again my OH is telling me this will upset his dad. From my perspective his dad can do whatever he wants to do in his own home but not everyone wants to be put in that situation as anon-smoker. So if my OH is expecting us to stay there with the baby, it literally makes me wants to scream and cry and makes my blood boil.

I want to find a compromise but I don’t feel my OH is actually willing to find one. He just says I’m trying to keep him away from his family but in my mind I’d like to have our own rules in our own home and then just stay in a hotel when we go visit his family.

do I just give up and accept my child will be put at risk and I’ve got no choice? I feel we’re just going to continue being at loggerheads as my OH is refusing to have any discussions and I’m fighting to keep our baby safe.

I'm lost with what to do and not sure if I’m the issue.

Btw the only smoker in my family didn't want to hold my baby when newborn and only wanted to hold her when she was bigger, just after having changed her clothes and standing outside. Because she put the baby's health first, even though she was addicted to cigarettes.

I can only tell you how I'd feel in that situation. I would never expect a DIL or SIL of mine to put up with something like this because my DC essentially bullied them into not saying anything. I'd be absolutely mortified and very upset if I found that out.

If you made those very reasonable requests to me, I would happily abide by it. Do you think maybe your OH is somewhat overplaying the MH aspect just because he doesn't want to have the conversation?

I just think you are kind of backed into a corner as your OH has made it clear he won't speak to your FIL about this.

Im sorry op, this sounds miserable. In effect I think plenty of the above posts are right, but unless you’re going create huge issues with your partner at a time where coming together is really important, I think you have to approach this with nunance and consideration.

It’s well known that exposing your baby to smoke isn’t okay and can’t be an option. But your OH obviously doesn’t feel able to go against his family in any way. I think showing compassion to him here will help - no one wants to be in the middle of a spat between their partner and parents.

I’d ask your midwife to speak to him at a future appointment about the importance of working around this and the health risks. Also ask for some direct strategies on what to say to your FIL and how you might manage this. You are not the first person to have this problem as it’s a very generational thing. If your husband won’t speak to him, it will be up to you to either speak to FIL yourself or to say no to visits. But don’t go in all guns blazing as conflict won’t resolve this.

It’s awkward as hell - I had to reckon with my mother over this, when our relationship was already strained. I told her she had to wear a coat or something over her clothes if she went outside and smoked, and that hand washing and clean clothes were a must. Fortunately she was receptive, but it hurt her feelings and I imagine made her feel pretty bad. None of us respond well in those moments and we get defensive.

You’re completely right to stay in a hotel for visits and to ask family to stay elsewhere when you’ve just had the baby. But be sympathetic- that’s a really hard ask for your husband if he thinks his family will kick off. Stick to your guns but also - validate your partners rock and a hard place and ask for input from midwives etc. A bucket load of empathy from you will hopefully help resolve this and not have you and your partner ripping eachother apart weeks before your first baby. The early months can be hard - you’ll need to take care of eachother.

Best of luck.

He definitely doesn’t want to have the conversation for sure as he’s so scared of upsetting his dad but his dad’s MH is bad. Deep depression and doesn’t have anything going on in his life but smoking.

I definitely feel backed into a corner and every fibre of my being wants to keep fighting this as I know deep down I’m right and all the responses on here so far seem to be in agreement but I feel like my OH is just going to resent me as he feels I’m saying his dad can’t be involved or we see him.

Take him to the midwife and ask her advice.

The answer is you stay in a hotel with baby as it's too disruptive and you want the space. You don't s
Take no for an answer. Book it in your own name. Take the baby and leave at bedtime. Taxi if needed.

It is not ok to subject your baby to something dangerous just because one parent doesn't know better.

Not sure this is any help but you can buy second hand smoke detectors, here's a link shop.sense-u.com/en-gb/products/smoke.
It might make them more aware that the smoke is coming in the house and that they are still breathing it out when they come back indoors if they set these alarms off.
You could always say you think smoke is somehow getting in from the neighbours house which is why you have the alarm.
I hope you don't have to put up with it again, it's horrible that some smokers don't realise how disgusting and harmful it is for other people to breathe.

You sound very worried. Too worried. Look at the percentage risk of harm to a person after such short exposure. I don’t know what it is cos it will be so low.

Naturally, you don’t live near a road with cars, use household cleaning sprays or have any contact with animals or plant life. These cause trouble because of repeated exposure. Among lots of other daily substances.

FIL smoking outside during a visit is not going to damage a healthy baby. But buy him some nicotine chewing gum and tell him to get some manners.

Just waiting for the shriekers…

Thank you for your advice. Much appreciated x

I had this issue with my own father, the only smoker I knew and a heavy one. I didn't worry about offending him. My job and responsibility was to my baby who couldn't protect herself.

He had to smoke well away from the house. He did come in reeking so wasn't allowed to hold the baby if he smelled of smoke. He came in fresh from smoking smelling really strong once, arms out to take the baby, and I said no and told him why. He was disappointed but he chose the smokes.

I'd just make the rules and then it's the smoker's choice what they want to prioritise.

Take oh to next midwife appointment and ask the question in front of her, let him hear it from the professionals if he won’t listen to you. I have had children with serious chest infections (not smoking related) but I wouldn’t wish it on anyone and put my kids at risk. I wouldn’t visit him or let him in my house with the baby. End of story, absolutely no exceptions

OH problem, you can’t resolve this in a way OH is happy with if OHs priority is not offending his dad, rather than making sure you and your baby are ok.
It seems dramatic and toxic that you asking his dad not to smoke means you’re ’keeping him away from his family’
and that this is all his dad has and will break him. Are they a very dramatic and manipulative family?
Personally I wouldn’t care. No smoking near the baby. No smoking on the door step. No dirty hands holding the baby. We wouldn’t be staying in a dirty house. And no visitors for more than an hour once the babies born, never mind overnight.
surely if smoking is all he has then he’s not that bothered about seeing the baby? Unless actually smoking isn’t all he has.
Maybe he can get a vape? Is that better? I don’t know the research.

You can’t sacrifice a newborn baby’s health to prop up the mental health of a grandparent. Your baby is a vulnerable infant utterly reliant on you for protection, not a therapeutic aid for addicts.

I’m afraid you’re going to have to get angry and protective.

Your FIL has to follow the guidelines after smoking, otherwise you take the baby to a different room.

Your partner can stay at FIL’s house when you visit, while you and baby stay at a hotel.

Smoking may be the only thing left in your FIL’s life. It certainly shouldn’t feature in your children’s.

If his MH is poor then he needs RL medical professional help. Smoking won’t cure this and neither will his son refusing to set boundaries. I can’t see this ending well OP.

Your OH is spineless, he won’t speak to his dad so as not to upset him yet he’s quite happy to upset you, let you be the ‘bad guy’ by talking to his dad about it and potentially put the health of your baby at risk.

I agree, bring it up with the midwife, let the medical professionals tell him it's dangerous. His dad may have bad mental heath, but smoke is a serious health risk to your newborn. You would not be unreasonable to insist no one stays with you. Thats probably the best way of doing it - then the dad isn't singled out. You need space after having baby. The nuclear option is you tell him he deals with it or when his family come you and baby will be staying with your parents. But I'd leave that as last possible option.

It was amazing how fast my father could give up smoking when his 'never going to stop', 'addicted so can't stop' smoking gave him related health complications. If it's important enough to them, they can make changes.

I mean I’d love for him not to smoke but I’ve not even said that. Just said when he does that precautions need to be put in place after he’s done it. But my OH just said it’s unrealistic.

i wouldn’t say they’re dramatic or manipulative no. I think my OH feels a lot of guilt because he lives a few hours away from his family and before we were together and they’d visit - they’d all have their own rooms at his house as he was on his own in a 4 bed house with his son visiting every other weekend. Now life is different as we’re married with a baby on the way so house we now live in has to work for us, not visitors. My OH is lovely and very much wants to accommodate everyone and make everyone happy but I think sometimes it’s at the cost of our feelings. I know he knows deep down that smoking has an effect and he hates it as well but he’s so bogged down with just not upsetting his dad that it seems the only
priority.

No option of vaping or cutting down the fags sadly.

I have a sense that FIL would be less offended than OH OR SIL suspect. Especially if, as you say he's a nice guy and if he likes you, why wouldn't he want to please you, especially because his wife left him so long ago. If you were very polite and warm about it, talking to him alone, and said, "we want more than anything to have you be part of DC's life but I need you to do some things to make our newborn safe. My midwife said smokers should change their clothes and babies shouldn't sleep or spend time in home that has been smoked in. Please do this for me and baby. I love you, etc."

Sil and OH seem to treat him as fragile but that's rather patronizing, IMO.

If his father is his only priority then all you can do is separate and make sure you put your baby first. It’s ridiculous to put a new baby at risk for fear of upsetting a grown man.

I think one of the biggest issues is that smoking has always been "allowed" around your OH's other child. Who I am presuming is showing no ill effects from it? So they're all thinking oh it's fine. This makes it hard for you to put forward any logical points on why it's not fine, or rather for them to actually accept that. And its why I don't think they will listen to a midwife.

The fact is every child is different and your OH has to realise that if your child gets asthma or worse, none of you will ever know if it was because of the smoking. That's why you have to take precautions. So you all know you did all you could to protect your babys health.

I feel that at this point I'd be saying to him, look these are my non negotiables. You can talk to your dad or I can talk to him. But the conversation has to be had. Otherwise this is just going to continue going in circles.

I'll say again, nothing you are asking is unreasonable.

I’m sure my OH told me his son had issues when he was a baby/young child with bronchitis and he gets bad coughs or at least used to (probably not for last 2 years) but I can’t say for sure that’s related to his dad smoking. He was certainly around a lot at my OH’s house when he split up with his ex-wife but no one can say it’s related. My OH said it was different as 14 years ago, his dad didn’t smoke as much and they used to stay at his sisters more when visiting as his son would fall asleep there at night as she’d cook a meal so made no sense to move him. But my OH has no issue with his dad smoking whilst his son is in the room next to him when we go now whereas even at 14 - I’m like I don’t even like it let
alone a kid. Again I don’t think it’s my OH thinks it’s ok - he just doesn’t feel like he can say anything as fear of upsetting him. Hence why we also have to stay at his now as company is good for him.

You don’t have to. Your husband doesn’t speak for you. Decide your own boundaries and stick to them.

I'd put my foot down tell him straight he doesn't smoke in your home or near your baby and he stays in a hotel for his visit and if your partner doesn't like it, he can go with him x

If you don't put your foot down now you are going to get walked over with everything in your child's life.

Ultimately you need to protect your baby, despite a really fallout. It's so hard when your OH isn't onboard though. I have a similar issue which has almost caused the breakdown of my marriage and seriously impacted my mental health through constant worry. Try to nip this in the bud now and get your OH on side. Previous posters' suggestions about the midwife are good. I really hope that your partner chooses the safety of their child over his father's hurt feelings. Maybe try to reiterate where his priorities should be? Good luck.