FIL smoking around the baby

[newmummytobe37]

Hi all,

This is a long post as I want to give some context.

Looking for some advice. I’m in my second trimester of pregnancy and starting to have conversations with the OH about the baby coming but arguments are starting around his dad being a heavy smoker.

I’ve said I’d like to find a compromise as I know his dad will never stop smoking (he smokes at least 1 an hour) but that I want to put our baby’s health first. I know that passive smoking and third hand smoke can be extremely harmful so I want to find a way of not offending my FIL but doing the right thing by our baby.

Sadly every conversation with my OH ends in an argument. His dad lives a few hours away so whenever he comes to see us he has to stay with us and usually for quite long periods of time. Whilst pregnant his smoking habits haven’t changed and whilst he was with us for Christmas he continued to smoke right outside the front door on most occasions so it all came back in when he re-entered, his clothes, skin and everything absolutely smells and our house smelt of fags for the 10 days he was here. He also doesn’t wash his hands after smoking. Even though I was suffering from an upper respiratory infection as well, he didn’t think about the smell causing issues for me when he’d set me off on coughing fits so I know he won’t think to change his habits once the baby arrives so I feel a conversation with him needs to take place. The other issue is he’s lost his sense of smell from smoking so has no idea what we can smell and no one is willing to say anything to him (do appreciate it’s hard to tell someone they smell).

my suggestion was that we speak to him nearer the time and explain the risks to the baby and ask if he smokes, he comes in, changes his clothes, washes his hands and doesn’t hold the baby for a while since he’s just had a fag. My OH has told me this is unreasonable and his dad shouldn’t be asked to do it. His compromise is he washes his hands but he can hold the baby straight away. This goes against any advice I’ve heard or read. Am I being unreasonable? I appreciate if he smokes every hour, changing your clothes is going to be challenging but was hoping he’d be willing to cut down whilst he was here. He’s a lovely guy so I’ve wrongly assumed he’d want to do the right thing. Sadly he doesn’t think about anything and no one is willing to pick him up on anything, so we all just have to keep quiet.

My OH and rest of the family keep saying the dad’s only thing in life is smoking and has poor mental health and my OH refuses to have any conversations with him as he said it will break him and worsen his mental health. Am I being selfish wanting to protect my child and just put some steps in place to limit the exposure to the harmful fumes?

we also have the issue that if we ever visit his dad we have to stay with him as it makes him happy but his house is beyond disgusting. He doesn’t clean it so it’s filthy, he also smokes in the house and we’ve had it on occasions we’ve been lying in our smoke smelling bed to see smoke filling the room. This is even with my OH’s son sleeping in the room next to him. I’ve also said I don’t feel comfortable staying there whilst pregnant and when we’ve had the child and that even staying there before I was pregnant left me with a chesty cough every time we stayed and the place is a health hazard. I thought we could just stay in a hotel but again my OH is telling me this will upset his dad. From my perspective his dad can do whatever he wants to do in his own home but not everyone wants to be put in that situation as anon-smoker. So if my OH is expecting us to stay there with the baby, it literally makes me wants to scream and cry and makes my blood boil.

I want to find a compromise but I don’t feel my OH is actually willing to find one. He just says I’m trying to keep him away from his family but in my mind I’d like to have our own rules in our own home and then just stay in a hotel when we go visit his family.

do I just give up and accept my child will be put at risk and I’ve got no choice? I feel we’re just going to continue being at loggerheads as my OH is refusing to have any discussions and I’m fighting to keep our baby safe.

I'm lost with what to do and not sure if I’m the issue.

*family fallout

@EmpressSoleil Thats the problem really, isn’t it? That some smokers, despite the evidence and medical advice, refuse to recognise that smoking doesn’t just cause harm to them, it can cause harm to others. There’s less of it now because smoking in pubs has been banned, people are more aware of the risks etc, but still some smokers prefer to pretend it’s made up. My mum is the same - unfortunately she refuses to humour reasonable requests based on NHS advice. Disappointing that cigarettes are more important to her than her grandkids but hey-ho.

Sorry to say this OP as can feel your distress - but because of your DP and his family, you are the only thing standing between your precious baby and a real and awful health hazard. If the other adults won't take this seriously, it is all down to you to protect the baby's health. I don't think because of the seriousness of it that you should be offering any compromises at all. Tell them that you know it is too risky to expose the child to smoke and you are not prepared to do it. You can tell your FIL kindly but firmly that you cannot bring your baby into a smoky environment, including clothes on someone who smokes. If you stand firm and DON'T compromise, they will have to accept it. Your DP will have to visit his DH separately for the first few years, and if the dad comes to visit near you, he must stay elsewhere. Perhaps you could meet him out of doors in summer and have meals outside.
Sounds like your DP is not going to support you in this, so you are on your own making a barrier between your baby and smoking hazard. You will need to be strong, but you are in the right. Stand firm - your baby has no one else for protection so its down to you.

Oh this sounds like it is going to be a hard job. But you need to start now, getting used to simply having to keep your child safe regardless of others wishes. Obviously providing you do it in a nice manner.

Sit with DH, explain you absolutely understand his position, but this is something that is non negotiable. He does not stay at your house, he does not hold baby after ciggie. He says in a hotel near by, and you do the samw on your visits

Also explain his DF does not only have ciggies in his life, he has a living DS who is willing to put his babies life at risk so as not upset him and a dd who is willing to do the same. That's quite crazy, but shows how much they worry for him.

Please stay strong on this, i really don't understand people who still smoke around children.

It sounds like the only advocate your child will have is you so you need to stand up for them no matter who it offends or upsets.

Try to evidence to your partner the risks but it doesn't sound much like he'll take it on board.

Get the midwife to talk to him too - forget worrying about it causing an argument. Needs must really.

Stay in a hotel when you visit him. Please do this, the environment sounds bloody grim for you, let alone a baby. Dont apologise for it, just do it.

Your partner shouldn't be quite so willing to upset you in a bid to not upset his dad - you have a DP problem as much as a FIL problem.

Unfortunately smokers generally are selfish.
I personally wouldnt worry too much about 3rd hand smoke - but woildnt like staying at his house with a baby it would stink.
Second hand smoke has left us kids with asthma.
Luckily my relative did give up (after severe lasting health issues) so i didnt have to take kids there.

OH abandoned his own first child’s health and expects you to sacrifice his second child on the altar of damaged grandpa. Your child isn’t prozac for sad dad.

Just be honest and non judgemental and firm: these are my rules to keep my child healthy and safe. I am not abandoning him or risking his health. Your father choses how he lives and whether he addresses his mental health and dysfunctional behaviors like his nicotine addiction. I choose who gets close to my child.