4 year old tantruming when iPad taken away

[greenpjs]

I know it's my fault, he had far too much screen time. He's autistic and if he's been on it for too long, his behaviour starts to worsen. I've taken it off him but the tantrums are unreal, how do I get him to calm down? He's very limited understanding so there's no talking him out of it or reassuring. It's been half an hour now and the tears and screaming is still happening.

I've tried to not give in or pay attention to his screaming but it's not working. What else can I do?

My daughter is not autistic but went through a phase of horrible tantruming when the iPad was removed. The only thing that worked was cutting access to it - the more she used it the worse she behaved. She only very rarely uses it these days, which I appreciate might not work for you.

Bless you, it’s very easy to rely on something that just ‘works’. Is the tv not distracting him at all?

He is so attached to it now. I feel horrendous about it. We tried to take it away by not letting him having it, but he knows that it's now part of his daily routine and the fact that changed caused the most horrendous melt downs

I think you probably need advice from someone with a ND child for this one.

Could you put some sort of timer app so it switches off after a certain amount of time (I don’t know the name of one, but I know a friend has mentioned using them)? If it just stopped would that help, or would the reaction be similar?

Really, really tricky, much sympathy.

Agree.

Dts are NT and the only way to sort it was to remove access entirely. They were about six and had starting watching YouTube. The impact on their behaviour was very obvious.

What does he use it for? Watching TV programmes? Switch to watching them on actual TV. There's more of a clear break between programmes (for example Cbeebies has the presenters) but watching online it can go from one episode to another without a break (so you don't know when it's time to stop).
Does he play games? Switch to traditional board/card games. You could try ones like Hungry Hippos if he wants ones with a bit more "action".
The main thing to do is just not have the iPad out where he can see it and want to use it. If he is on it and you take it off him - he will want it back. But if it's "gone" from the moment he gets up (you could say it's broken and gone to be mended) and you give him other toys to play with hopefully with the iPad simply not there he will find other things to do.

Use visuals - pictures drawn on bit of paper works just as well. Pic of iPad, then pic of what's happening next. When it's time to stop the iPad, give him warning - iPad finishing in 5 minutes then (whatever). Countdown or sand timers are v helpful. When the timer is up, "iPad finished, next (whatever)." Make sure to show the visuals, make the 'next thing' motivating (ie not just finished for the sake of finished). Be consistent and make sure everyone uses the same routine and language.

Does he get sufficient warning? Like 'OK ds, when I've finished washing up/after this episode/when that round of the game is over we're going to put the iPad away. After the iPad is away we are going to do XYZ'

This works for mine but she is not autistic.

I was looking for something like this in the settings but I couldn't find it. If anybody has any suggestions please let me know. In the past if the tablet has ran out of charge and died on its own, he doesn't react

Could you transition him into something like the Yoto? Audiobooks and games but screen free?

can you manage to go cold turkey? put the ipad away in a high cupboard, tell him it is lost / broken / gone and then do other things. Or just let it run out of charge and never charge it again. And don't bring it out for at least a week, longer if you can manage.

once he has got used to life with no ipad, you could bring it back for short chunks if essential. but it might be better to do without.

Might help to use something like an egg timer so he can see how time is passing.

Which need is he having met by the iPad would be my starting point.

Slightly oversimplified but neurodiverse children tend to fall broadly into being sensory seeking or sensory avoidant, though that doesn't mean they always fall perfectly one side all the time. There's different activities that you can do with children that tap into different sensory systems.

For example one child might like the visuals on an iPad so could get a similar stimulation from some sensory lights, or another child finds it satisfying to hold their tablet tight to their ears and might get the same relief from music through headphones.

Some people I know have dens in their home for their DC, or they've got indoor gym equipment, or sensory toys/activities that work for their DC's profile which means they've relied on devices less.

Edit to add - you might want to report your thread and ask for it to be moved to the SEN board as there's a chance by this evening you'll have lots of unhelpful advice such as "just don't give it" or "put him on the naughty step if he doesn't stop complaining".

My 5 year old son is not autistic, but during the holidays he always has far too much screen time on my ipad as well!
What works for us is to go back quickly to our routine, which is allowing the ipad only for 10 minutes a day, on a specific time. The time I picked is breakfast and he can have it under condition he's already in his uniform and only at the dining table where he's having breakfast. The screen time is limited as we then have to actually leave the house to go to school, so there are no delays or complains (he loves going to school)! After the holidays he normally tries to ask for the ipad at random times after school, but I am very firm in saying ipad is just allowed in the morning. A couple of days later he doesn't even ask for it anymore.

In the short term, have you tried engaging him immediately in something else he likes? Let's say he's getting upset as he wants it and you say let's go and play with x (something he really really loves doing with you or playing with).

If you go to Settings > Screen Time you can set limits. My kids kick off if I take the iPad away, but will accept that we’ve “run out of internet for today”.

I also have an autistic 5 year old and he too had lots of melt downs when it was time to come off tech. He loves his Nintendo switch. The only way we manage is by putting strict time restrictions, we only allow him to have it on Friday and the weekend for a couple of hours. The rest of the time it is all hidden away. We have visual timetables which outline his tech time and use timers to count down when it is time to come off. While in theory we could just take it away completely, he does have an older brother who also loves gaming so for our family it would not be practical to get rid. He also loves being outside so he is always taken outside for a couple of hours first on a weekend which then makes me feel better if he then has a couple of Nintendo hours. We keep to the routine all year round as we found that relaxing tech rules in the school holidays just left to more meltdowns.

100% what teenagers said. Make a simple now and next board with photos of activities or rounties and give clear warnings that the activity will be coming to an end. You can use traffic light system too where you use a yellow circle alongside simple language to help the understanding of nearly finished then red to signify finished, this may help if he is not processing just verbal instruction.

I feel for you! With my aspergers girl when she gets into a state the very best thing I can do is be really calm empathetic to the feeling but don't budge the boundary and don't panic at her reaction. Yes even at half an hour. My girl has good understanding and we've done over an hour before. It starts off as a tantrum but can reel over into meltdown status. I just have to stay with her keep her from hurting me or herself and wait any tiny sign that she may be receptive to a change of direction, humour, physical contact etc. Offering something to suvk or chew can help. Just reassure that you're there.
70 percent of the time I don't manage this but when I do it is better than when I react ir try and fix it. I hope this gives some help in the moment. It's bloody hard.

Oh and the now and next visuals don't hold any sway with my girl. Routine routine routine and then some more. The sudden change will be tough but he's not going to break OP...but you'll feel you will ..keep going with being there with him. Do any sensory things help with his calming? You might have to wait til he's more receptive.

You need the Screen Time settings.

Settings>Screen Time> Downtime. Under Downtime it will ask you to set a passcode, this is only used to amend the Screen Time settings. Then you can put in scheduled times of day when the ipad will work or not work. (You can also set certain apps to work all the time even during the scheduled Downtime).

Another useful option (also found under Screen Time menu) is to set time limits for specific apps eg you can set Netflix to only allow 20 min a day or whatever you want.

And another useful option (off topic but in case it helps) is Guided Access - press the home button 3 times quickly and it will “lock” the ipad onto the current app and won’t let the child change to something else.

DD is ND and also had appalling tantrums about end of screen time - it was partly because she had it when tired, so of course was even more tired once we turned it off and just couldn’t handle anything. Having set in stone times when screen time was allowed and not allowed (and warnings that it was finishing) really helped.

Unfortunately the Downtime feature as described above won’t give any countdown warnings though, the apps just stop working at scheduled downtime, so you would need to do warnings.

I agree you need ND-appropriate advice, but in general if a parent gives something a kid can't handle, the parent has to be big enough to remove it again for the child's own good.

The thing is that screens can actually be a vital unwinding and decompressing tool for ND kids so I don’t think total removal is necessarily the way to go.

Plus it’s not sustainable when they get older and everyone else has screens… whereas if you can set up a habit of a limited set time each day it will stand them in good stead later.

I'm just amazed that anyone gives iPads to DC so young. They are addictive.

I work with autistic children and can see that you’re going to have some issues here. The problem could be not the attachment to the IPad or necessarily what is does in so much that the problem is the routine and the IPads place is what the child sees as a predictable thing.

My experience would lead me to suggest that if you want some real progress then you have to see him through the meltdowns. I wouldn’t suggest rationing time as 4 because thats not realistic for his age and time is all too often a concept that the children i work with struggle.

Meldowns associated with it should be handled by showing him that the meltdown is not going to cause you to give in (and I’ve seen meltdowns last hours). Then distraction as much as possible .

I personally dont like iPads for kids at primary age as the negatives outweigh the benefits, so to have Autism as well is going to be tough.

Good luck