4 year old tantruming when iPad taken away

[greenpjs]

I know it's my fault, he had far too much screen time. He's autistic and if he's been on it for too long, his behaviour starts to worsen. I've taken it off him but the tantrums are unreal, how do I get him to calm down? He's very limited understanding so there's no talking him out of it or reassuring. It's been half an hour now and the tears and screaming is still happening.

I've tried to not give in or pay attention to his screaming but it's not working. What else can I do?

Exactly the same here. We just put it away completely. Mine dd5 and dd6 just use my laptop now when they have homework and behaviour has been so much better

I (mother of three autistic DS) found this blog very insightful and balanced. https://yvonnenewbold.com/screen-time-and-send-children-how-to-get-the-balance-right-vcb-blog-series-8/?fbclid=IwAR22Ll2MnEi3MUxeaQtxYidJtOR5kJ9U_X_bRVPk0Cn1ByImQNI2Q-hgG_g
Also like you said it is not just the taking away of the tablet but the change in routine causing the meltdown, so I would echo what others said about clearly communicating timetable of when it can be used. You will need to be on hand near the transitions to turning off the tablet to ensure it's got to a sensible stopping point (don't let it start a 1 hour video 5 mind before end of session for example), and provide next activity/ snack etc.

You have to be firm and stick to your guns. Rewarding tantrums won't help in the long run.

Download Google family link. You can set time limits etc.

Cold turkey, my son was the same when telly went off so we got rid of it!! Got one back now but it's not asked for hardly only in moderation. X

Just goes to show how horribly addictive these vile devices are.

Don't feel bad
you need to talk to some parents of neurodivergent children here as you'll get judgy judges from parents of neurotypical children largely which will make you feel worse and it won't even be practical in your situation as in it may not work
my child is borderline divergent but she's only 4 and they're thinking of waiting longer before referring
However she does only have limited time on iPad and tv we have found her general behavior worsened when it was used more but we never had huge tantrums when taking it away either

Can you say 'timer time' and put an egg timer next to him?

My son has one of those bubble timer things, there were tantrums at first but then he got used to the fact that the timer was giving a 1 min and actually presses the off button himself when it ends? I'm not sure what lengths of time you can get, mine is just a minute, there maybe ones which are longer?

I think at that age it is easier to remove it completely. Even if you allow short periods of the iPad eg half an hour, it’s not enough if they are playing a game. Also you will always have the tantrum however long you give them.

My now adult autistic DC grew up on screens. I didn't restrict or remove as they were the only things that kept him settled and happy. He used to watch TV or game for hours at a time.

He has a vast general knowledge, is highly intelligent and did a computing degree.

Screens worked for him, very very well. I know many will have me down as a lazy parent but I saw no reason to cause upset to a disabled child simply because 'screens are bad, research yada yada' - they absolutely have their place and DS thrived.

One thing I would say though, a lot of people recommend a visual timer which is a great idea but if your DC is still working/playing on something when that timer ends, it would be quite bad just to remove. I think a combination of a timer and 'once you finish this level/task' would be an easier option.

I haven't read all the thread op so it may have already been suggested.
With my son, he struggles with transition.
We have a big 10 minute sand timer which we turn when it's nearly time to come off. He can see how much is left and knows the rule that I'll be switching the console off. He still protests but it's more of a moan and he's over it pretty quickly.

Every child is different though but it is worth a try if it's something not explored yet.

If an apple iPad you can add time limits to apps. My son gets 30 mins of entertainment (games, iPlayer etc) and 15 mins of educational apps eg numbots. After that the time runs out and the iPad no longer works. (Adults can put a password in but we avoid doing this as he will realise this is an option.)

when he has tantrumed over it we have literally hidden it for one eek- one month until he stops asking for it. Usually after a couple of days he doesn’t ask anymore and we have broken the obsession

My 6 yo is ADHD/ASD and we had similar issues with the tablet. Again we let it get out of hand a bit as when he’s using it is one of the only times he’s calm and sits still. I use time limits set on it and he knows that once his time is up it’s up but that sometimes causes issues when the 10 minutes left warning comes up but he’s got better with it.

Removal of screen time is the most effective sanction we have for his behaviour and he recently lost it for a couple of days and when we gave it back we said the new rules were he was only allowed it after school, oddly he accepted that with no fight! He can watch tv in the morning as that doesn’t seem to affect him as badly and he doesn’t have the same attachment (plus he has to share that with his sister). The effect has been that he actually plays with his toys more and he tends to play whilst the tv is on. The initial breaking of the habit is hard though when they are having a meltdown about it.

My DD is 12 with ASD and luckily we didn't have an iPad when she was little. She's quite articulate now and this is how she describes screens: you feel kind of fizzy, exercise make you feel actually relaxed but screens make you feel calm in a way that's like being dead for a while then worse.

She has often been the only child in the park after bedtime but it's worked really well for us/her.

So I'd try and fill his day with other things he likes and see what seems to make him calm in a content smiley way. The effort we put in to exercising before bed has always paid off on sleeping well, so worth the investment.

way to young. put it away and save on the hassle and upset. let him play with toys , these devices are no good

Apple have guided access options. In the settings you can limit websites (youtube etc). If he is trying to access youtube etc and it doesn’t work you can act surprised “oh dear, it mist not be working just now”, “maybe we could do something else until it works?”
You can set timers for it to lock and will only start up again.
My son is ND and now 15 he is very attached because it means if he is on it people won’t bother him trying to interact socially when he really can’t cope with it, but he is now VERY strict at his time on and off times. Not on when eating etc.

If his meltdowns lessen when it dies or doesn’t work try airplane mode aswell.
Make a visual timetable when he can have it and when it needs to be off, and ENFORCE the timetable, a few weeks he will go by the time’s religiously on his own.

Wow, lots of judgement on this thread! Why are you worried about him having too much screen time? When he was having lots of screen time, was he still having the tantrums?

If not, maybe he just needs a little more time to regulate himself? I am yet to find anything but anecdotal evidence that watching high quality programming like CBeebies, lead to poor social interactions, antisocial behaviour or inability to play. Yes there are correlations but no one has demonstrated a causal relationship as far as I’m aware. ND kids are drawn to screens, and also more likely to struggle socially, but it’s unlikely to be the screens that cause the social struggles but the neurodivergence.

My daughter is ND and the screen helps to regulate her, she just needs to zone out and avoid social interaction for a while – like a lot of adults do including myself! When it is off, she is brilliant at playing by herself, loves imaginative play, and is very articulate. I don’t see any problem with the screens as long as what he’s watching isn’t inappropriate or preventing him from sleeping, and he is getting other kinds of stimulation/play as well.

Personally, I grew up without any screens, but I’m now addicted to my phone like most adults I know, and my brother (high functioning autistic) went absolutely mad for screens as soon as he had his own money and now works in IT. And is a wonderful person :)

You can set a timer on here

Use a timer app and build up from 4 minutes to 6 minutes etc but only give iPad if completely calm and never use it as a carrot. More of a, 'I see good calm sitting, iPad time'.....

, go to Settings > Screen Time and tap See All Activity under the graph. From there, you can see your usage, set limits for your most used apps and see how many times a device was picked up or received a notification.

On iPad settings it’s ‘screen time’

Put a timer on and let him click the start button and explain that when the times is off, then no more ipad. I am doing that with my son and it’s working out very well!

When you take the iPad off him what are you offering as a replacement.

Are you engaging him in other activities or literally just taking it off him and leaving to stare at a wall

Children with Autism have difficulties with predicting and also, like many neurotypical children, managing big emotions.

when he’s upset, stay calm and model how to deal with the emotion. ‘I know this feels really bad, let’s have a cuddle until you feel better’ ‘I’m going to stay here until you feel better’.

Use a timer- buy a visual timer where he can see how long he has on the iPad from the beginning. When the timer runs out he puts the iPad away.

be clear on what will happen when iPad is put away- craft, walk, park etc. people with ASD find it hard to predict what will happen and also to fill their unstructured time. Predictability helps them to feel less anxious.

use sensory regulating tools such as deep pressure through bear hugs. You could look up regulating sensory strategies online and try different ones out to see which help best.

hope this helps 🙂

Maybe put a parental control app on the iPad, so you can control it remotely from your phone (ie it locks after a certain time) or you could reset the iPad, and set it up again from scratch for a child...,once you put in his age/dob (showing he is under 13 I think) during the set up it will steer you down the route of parental control etc

Or
(Not that it's best for the iPads battery life in the long run) you could just 'never fully charge it'. Maybe charge it to 30% only, so you know it will switch off naturally after an hour or so