MIL & SIL obsessed with ‘taking baby’

[Theicingonthecake]

AIBU? MIL and SIL have only ever asked to ‘take baby’ context: is our first ‘boy’ MIL only has girls as grandchildren and most of her spare time is already used up with the girls as they are older and SIL needs support with minding them when she works. The only time they’ve ever been around to my house with me present was when he was born, since then whenever they have spare time it’s ‘can we take baby on: specific date/day’. And, I might not necessarily be needing support that day, so I’ll say no you can’t take baby but you can come visit. Then.. nothing, once when baby was about 4 weeks MIL asked to take for two half hours (bare in mind doesn’t drive so I’d have to drop baby off) and I said no thanks it’s not for me I’d need to prep breast milk and pack bags, so if you let me know day and time in advance we can organise. Next time we were together she made a snarky comment to SIL like ‘oh X can have baby but needs time to ‘prepare’. It pissed me off no end tbh and since then im a bit like no - you can come see him but he’s not a doll or something you can just ‘take’ when you want.
Also wierds me out abit about wanting to ‘take’ why? Why not just come see him you know where we live you can call by? and a lot of the time DH goes around to MIL’s on a Saturday with baby for a few hours! SIL also offers to take - which I appreciate a bit more as she can drive and picks him up- but again doesn’t call in ever on days off? Will give days to DH and ask if she can take on any days.
Maybe I’m the issue/reason they don’t wish to pop by? But we seem to get along when we’re together - there’s no animosity But I get the vibe it’s more they don’t want me around when they’re with baby - which in itself seems odd?

Well they wouldn’t be taking my baby without spending time with him in my presence. I would need to know they understand his routines and he is comfortable with them.

Yea that’s exactly it, and there’s been times where MIL has insisted on giving him a bottle and then because he’s been fussy or she doesn’t know how to console him, DH has had to step in and take over. And sometimes I’ll have him in my arms and she’ll go ‘come here to nanny’ and basically grab him off me, sometimes I just say ‘no thanks I’m happy sat on mummy’s knee’. It’s just too much it all makes me feel so uncomfortable!

It is odd. Like you say, your baby is not a doll you're obliged to share out. He's closely bound up with you, have they not heard of the fourth trimester? Why are you obligated to rush around expressing milk and packing bags, just because they want a 'turn' with the baby? Just no.

There seem to be more and more families with members who think they're entitled to share out the baby these days. It's weird. Like the recent thread where the paternal grandparents (baby father had denied paternity) who'd seen the baby maybe once? but they demanded that the baby be driven two hours there and 2 hours back to spend half Christmas day with them, again a breast fed baby.

It's just selfish, they're not thinking of your needs and convenience and they're certainly not thinking about what the baby actually needs. Please stand up to them, good luck.

@Pemba thank you that’s reassuring, sometimes you question yourself? Am I being the bad guy saying no/putting in boundaries. But end of the day it’s our baby not theirs and if they want to see him they are more than welcome to pop round for a cuppa!
Also- I would absolutely not drag him out to any in laws on Christmas Day for anyone - these people’s entitlement is bonkers!

Always put in boundaries. Let them get pissed off about it. Who cares?

It's your baby. He's tiny. He stays with you or his dad. And that's what works for you.

No doubt you'll get posters on here saying you're selfish, needy etc. You're not. You're merely following your instincts. Stay firm.

I find it so weird when family members want to take the baby away. It’s always the people who don’t bother making an effort with the mother as well. It’s just bizarre. I’ve had my own dc and many family and friends have dc now and I’ve never felt the need to have any of my nieces/nephews alone (unless asked to of course!) Stand your ground OP, if you’re not comfortable. They’re really strange.

Ugh hate this.
My ILs have tried this a little, but I was honest and said I wasn’t ready to leave him, however I would love to spend time with them and him together.

He’s your baby not theirs. You don’t owe them the opportunity to play mummy by taking him away from you when they feel like it. Stand firm!

When you said take baby, I thought you meant just wanting to hold him when you had him. Not actually taking him and driving off back to their house with him! Just no.
How old is he now? This is not normal OP.
Nobody should want to take a 4 week old baby away from his mum for hours. You need to say no more often, and grow a thick skin so their snide comments don't hurt you.

My mother used to do this I hated it when I had my second I was firmer but I wish I has been with my first to this day my family think I was an awful parent as my mother used to take dd for an afternoon have the family over and not invite me drovea wedge between me and them because they all think I don't like being around them truth was I didn't know for fucking YEARS about these summer parties family get together that excluded me dd was too young my sister didn't tell me my aunt mentioned it a few years down the line about not seeing me anymore and how disappointed she was that I never came around to the party or when she invited me over to hers (via my mother) I think the dumbstruck look on my face shocked her my mom said it was because I was "gluten free" invited me to one then stopped doing them

I'm low contact with her now for this and many other reasons

@Theunamedcat I'm so sorry that happened to you, well done on finding the strength to keep them at a distance. Your own mum, wow.

My MIL started out like this with our eldest. At 6 weeks I put my foot down and said "no she's our baby and she's with us until we are ready to send her away or she wants to!' It didn't go down too well but I couldn't cope with the constant pressure of when can we have her/can you drop her to us etc We had our baby because we wanted a baby and didn't need time away from her ... we wanted to spend time with her! Stand up for yourself .... your baby is happiest with you!

It’s very strange, why would anyone take somebody else’s baby off them for hours? Especially a 4 week old a baby that loves ping wouldn’t be away from their mother for even an hour unless it was an emergency Christmas. Somethings not right there.

*a baby that young

@Crikeyisthatthetime hes now 4 months. There’s been times where I’ve given in a little and said okay take him for X amount of hours maybe like 5/6 weeks ago. But he’s getting bigger now and more aware and I’ve seen him with them and he’s not comfortable with them, (plus there’s no suitable place for him to take his naps in their houses) and they don’t know his routine or what he likes (cos they barely see him). MIL rang yesterday and asked DH to take him ‘as I didn’t have him alone over Christmas everyone else was holding him’ I said no thank you, you can come round and then she backtracked and said ‘oh I might need to go here in the morning anyways, or maybe I could come and take him for walk in the pram’ I said no thanks but I’m home all day if you wanna pop by. (That second refusal about the walk was more about her shifting boundaries you don’t get to dictate alone time with him in a different way - when I put boundary in).
DH doesn’t get it and thinks I’m being unreasonable. But tbh I don’t care anymore I’m saying no more often now, unless I am sure he is fully comfortable with the person and unless they make an effort to call round with us present. Thank you for your comments x

So weird that they only want the baby without you there.

I think it's really creepy actually.

I agree, that's really weird/creepy. I'd continue to keep saying "you're welcome to pop round on x date at Y time". If they say no, then you can legit say "I've offered many times for you to see baby" and noone can argue with that. No way would I be letting them take him away alone. Absolutely not.

@Theunamedcat sorry this happened to you- that’s such shitty behaviour from your own mother!

It's horrible behaviour. It shows a complete lack of understanding of newborns and what their needs are and it smacks of wanting to showboat the baby and push mother out. Just because they are related by blood, doesn't mean they are entitled to just 'take the baby'. It's incredibly entitled, oblivious and disrespectful to you and actually to baby who is still closely attached to you at this stage. Definitely stand your ground. If they want to spend time with baby, they are going to be doing it on your terms. If they can't accept those terms, too bad.

@BlastedPimples thank you - me too it makes my skin crawl sometimes, I have a theory I think they don’t feel fully comfortable with me around like I can see they don’t like having to ask to hold him, or having to figure out if he needs feeding etc, when I’m not around there’s no second guessing they can ‘mother’
in their preferred way. But it’s about him and his needs not mine or theirs! And I can respond to his needs so well now I know his routine and preferences.

I don't like their behaviour at all. Just be careful it doesn't come between DH and you. Have you had a chat with him so he understands what is going on/how you feel?

Wanting to play/be mother is what they're after. Have time with him alone so they get to comfort him or decide what to do -a bit needy maybe but fine if you and baby are comfortable with it. But there needs to be a basis to the relationship or it's unlikely to work well.
Don't take it personally. Its about them wanting to (re) create that feeling of closeness when you are the mother.
I would find it annoying. You have offered to host and visit them so not like you're keeping them away.
Hope they get the message eventually

I’m on baby number 2.
i would absolutely not be happy with anyone ‘taking’ my baby anywhere! Without me being extremely happy with it.

if someone wants to help with baby then they can hold them in our house while I do chores or nap. Then if baby needs feeding they come and get me.

someone people are happy for some space from their babies (and bottle feed so make that more feasible) but it’s normal for a mum to want to be near her baby and for baby to be close by to mum!!

I think your in laws want to play ‘mummies and daddies’ with your child. It’s not a game. She’s not a doll

I'm finding most of these comments odd. This is your child's grandmother and aunt and it's lovely they want to spend time with the baby, they aren't random strangers. I'd be grateful and appreciative to have family members like this (MIL has passed away and SIL too busy with her own life). Don't be that DIL, my aunt was like this and as a result her children aren't very close with most of our family as they weren't allowed to bond. You don't have to let them have the baby whenever they want of course, but I just want to give you some perspective that the more people that love your child the luckier for the child.

This is very odd behaviour. My son is 6 months old and I haven’t left him with anyone but my husband and even then just for an hour or so (he’s breastfed and I don’t pump). I certainly wouldn’t be letting anyone “take” him anywhere without me. It sounds like they do just want to spend time playing at being a parent like he’s a doll. I’d just tell them he won’t be going anywhere without you until he’s much older.