MIL & SIL obsessed with ‘taking baby’

[Theicingonthecake]

AIBU? MIL and SIL have only ever asked to ‘take baby’ context: is our first ‘boy’ MIL only has girls as grandchildren and most of her spare time is already used up with the girls as they are older and SIL needs support with minding them when she works. The only time they’ve ever been around to my house with me present was when he was born, since then whenever they have spare time it’s ‘can we take baby on: specific date/day’. And, I might not necessarily be needing support that day, so I’ll say no you can’t take baby but you can come visit. Then.. nothing, once when baby was about 4 weeks MIL asked to take for two half hours (bare in mind doesn’t drive so I’d have to drop baby off) and I said no thanks it’s not for me I’d need to prep breast milk and pack bags, so if you let me know day and time in advance we can organise. Next time we were together she made a snarky comment to SIL like ‘oh X can have baby but needs time to ‘prepare’. It pissed me off no end tbh and since then im a bit like no - you can come see him but he’s not a doll or something you can just ‘take’ when you want.
Also wierds me out abit about wanting to ‘take’ why? Why not just come see him you know where we live you can call by? and a lot of the time DH goes around to MIL’s on a Saturday with baby for a few hours! SIL also offers to take - which I appreciate a bit more as she can drive and picks him up- but again doesn’t call in ever on days off? Will give days to DH and ask if she can take on any days.
Maybe I’m the issue/reason they don’t wish to pop by? But we seem to get along when we’re together - there’s no animosity But I get the vibe it’s more they don’t want me around when they’re with baby - which in itself seems odd?

Have you read the post? They don't bother visiting OP and the baby, they just want to "borrow" him. It's just weird and I don't blame the OP for getting pissed off with it.

@Justfinking thank you for this perspective it does help. But I feel it’s more appropriate for them to build a close relationship with me around also? We’re a package deal, and this is not about me not wanting them to love him, of course I do, it’s more about my upset with them not wanting to bother with him with me around. If it was reciprocated like they come here sometimes, I go to them sometimes I’d feel so much better. And I’m so uncomfortable with them wanting to physically take him away from me :(

@Olika i tried yesterday and ended in an argument- he doesn’t understand as sometimes I’ve gave in and said yes, now I’m saying no- in his eyes it’s a unjustified switch, but I’ve had enough with them not making any effort with me. And after MIL rang yesterday and asked to take the penny dropped for me, I realised she doesn’t want to be with him with me around :( I tried to explain to him my feelings but because it’s his mum he doesn’t understand, he did agree however that she’s never popped round, even when he’s been home!

I suspect some grandparents are almost comparing and competing with each other over who gets the most time with their baby grandchildren. Does your MIL know a lot of people who have had their grandchildren on overnights since birth?

I had this too and it seemed like they wanted to play mummy and of course when I was there I ruined this illusion. Just keep saying 'thanks so much for the offer but we're fine, you're welcome to pop in and see us'. It gets awkward but just remember They are the ones that should be feeling embarrassed.

I also made myself very busy on those days with baby groups, once I realised they weren't interested in visiting if I was there.

Maybe they feel nervous with you around or they want to build a strong bond and that's why they want to take him. That's the problem with in-laws, they can be weird and we don't get their behaviour sometimes if we're not used to it. Just tell them that it's lovely that they love your baby so much (it really is!), but that you're not ready to leave him yet which is totally fair enough too.

This is very odd. My mum was very involved with my babies and looked after them when I needed her to. But she never would have asked to take them out without me unless it was because I had asked her to. Young babies in general spend nearly all their time with parents. Grandparents spending time with them too is lovely but not taking them away from their parents!

But this is the entire point, OP HAS invited them round multiple times to see the baby! She wants them to bond and she has given them opportunities to come and see the baby and learn the routines but they always make excuses. Why can they only see baby when they are alone? If you truly wanted to se your grandchild then you'd jump at the chance to see them -he's only 4 months old, not 10. Its not unreasonable for her to want them to get to know him first, she said they haven't even got a cot or anything at their house either so none of his stuff is there

It isn't just about the baby's needs, op, it's about your needs too.

What your mil or sil want simply really doesn't matter, I'm afraid, mostly because they are behaving in an intrusive, demanding and frankly weird way that is purely for their own benefit.

They aren't focussed on your baby's needs either. It's all about them wanting to play mummy. Creepy.

Keep your ground. They don't get to take your baby away. Not on your nelly.

And guess what? You're allowed to change your mind whatever your oh thinks.

I'd never want to look after a baby alone without knowing their routines and what they like/don't like first- what on earth is the point of that?- you'd end up with a screaming baby and no idea how to soothe them or what comforts them. That is incredibly stupid and its really, really odd that they don't seem to care about that considering that it will benefit them to know how to settle him.

no, they are wrong not you OP.
I find the concept of handing a baby over to someone when they’re so young a bit odd.

i agree they are wanting to play mummies and babies and that is not your job to facilitate. However I do find it odd that they are so keen to see baby without you there but not keen with you there. I mean this gently but are you quite overbearing or uptight about how they behave around baby? I have known and seen a lot of quite frankly batshit PFB behaviour and I was like it myself at first with my eldest. For example I would get incredibly anxious if someone was holding her in a way I thought she “didn’t like” even though she wasn’t actually crying or unhappy. In hindsight she was fine but I had become obsessed with her being held upright for C minutes after each feed because of reflux and her having a certain routine between her naps. I went to visit a family member the other day with her newborn and it’s her first and she was doing similar, she was basically saying that relatives couldn’t hold the baby yet because he always goes on his playmat for ten minutes after his bottle and he needs that time to kick around etc. We had driven over an hour to see him! But I understand how easy it is to become like that as that was me too. I’m about to have my third and I’m so much more relaxed as I know that none of that stuff really matters much.

It can be very hard to be a relaxed parent with your first and it might make MIL and SIL find it awkward trying to bond with him with you there?

Boundaries for her and say no need for the snighed remarks for something I choose to do with My baby.
Ignore her calls or requests.
Better yet tell her straight to stop asking its not happening.
Or laugh at her and say oh no your not asking again.

I’ve had a similar situation with MIL, I think ours stems from her having her other grandchild on her own for long weekends since very young and having the same expectations.
My daughters now 2 and it’s never really changed, if she doesn’t have my daughter alone she makes 0 effort to see her.

@Guibhyl i guess I’m a bit of both, he’s our first so everything is new and i am probably overly cautious about a few things, but I’ve never corrected them holding his position and when I’ve been a bit anxious I’ve acknowledged it and said look, he’s my first and I’m anxious about him going to others. So yes maybe they do feel a bit of pressure around me. But I would hope that their want to spend time with their baby relative would override that, I know if it was me, I’d think aww she’s struggling a bit with her first baby I’ll be more attentive to that when I’m around her and offer reassurance. But not everyone thinks the same. Plus I don’t think MIL understands the differing dynamic to SIL’s babies and mine, I think she assumes it’s just cool to treat them all the same but end of the day she’s not my mum so there’s different boundaries there, the closeness she has with her daughter is not the same as me, so maybe when SILs babies where little it was totally okay from the off for her to have them whenever she asked alone- but it’s not the same for me and her, and she unfortunately doesn’t know my baby as well as she probably knew them at the time.

Keep saying No clearly to baby being taken away from you. The fact that they keep trying to separate you for LO when neither of you want it, is creepy. And selfish since the only person it benefits is them.

I had a similar problem of my ds constantly being picked up when I said no. It got so bad, I felt under seige, so I put ds in a sling and he came everywhere with me, and they didn't get the chance.

Why do people interfere like that? It's just nasty.

SIL had him about 3 weeks ago (last time I’ve not said yes since) and after about 4/5 hours she messaged me saying I think you need to come get him ‘he’s had enough’ he hadn’t ate more than 5oz that day and slept about 20 mins- so I’m sorry I’m not putting my baby through that again for the sake of someone else to simply ‘have a baby for the day’ x

Nobody ‘took’ any of my babies. It’s bloody weird and creepy! Don’t bother trying to explain to your DH. He obviously doesn’t get it. Just keep saying “No, we’re fine, thank you” to any offers of ‘taking’ your baby. You’re totally in the right. Don’t stress about it. They’ll give up asking after a while, or at least reduce the frequency.

This sounds hideous OP. My DD has had a baby recently.

Oh yes I'm there for all the cuddles and will be there if she wants to pop for a shower or even pop to the shop but honestly one of the things that is the absolute best thing for me is seeing her with her baby.

The two of them together is just so lovely and heart melting stuff. I'm absolutely besotted with DGC and love a cuddle with her but she's not mine and I'd be horrified if I thought DD's MIL was acting like your MIL.

They're behaving like you and your DH have split up....

It isn't about saying it's not 'lovely' for family members to bond. I don't like the approach they have taken. Not 'can we come and see him?' 'Maybe we could give you a break, if you're comfortable?' No it's just 'Can't we just take the baby?' That sort of language would get any decent and caring mother's back up, especially as relates to a baby at just 4 months old. It might even be different if they were family by blood and have a close trusting relationship already - but they don't.

I was able to build a close bond with my oldest nephew, without 'taking him' away from my sister. I used to spend time with my sister and nephew and sometimes I would have him alone but always when my sister was either kind of around or for a period of time that suited my sister. You have to build trust and have the sort of relationship where you can do that. I personally wouldn't want to have that kind of responsibility for such a young baby without mum around to consult.

@fizzyred aww congratulations on your baby GD, yes that’s the thing it’s almost as if they don’t wish to see my bond with him. It’s so sad cos it means they won’t build a special relationship like you have!

OP It’s good that you can acknowledge that you can be anxious about stuff and maybe some of that is coming off to ILs. Holding them in a certain way is just one example, you might not say that specifically but it’s just that general vibe. It could be being overly anxious about hand washing or baby’s routine or the way someone changes a nappy or whatever it is.

With MIL you also have to remember that the way we think about babies has changed a lot now, we are comparatively speaking quite possessive and anxious over babies now whereas people used to just accept that a baby would be cared for by extended family and they kind of “belonged” to everyone in a way that they don’t now and they just slotted in. People had to just get on with stuff - there was no extended maternity pay so many women in low skilled jobs went back to work and even professional women who were expected to become housewives couldn’t afford cleaners and were expected to run a household and have a home cooked meal ready every night whilst also looking after baby and often other children. Often the only way they could do that was by relying on family and friends for help. By 4 months in your MILs generation baby would be on baby rice and other solids and they napped outside in a pram alone and they often cried for a bit without anyone attending to them especially if the women who were looking after them were busy for a bit. People didn’t fuss over babies and being away from your baby for a few hours was a normal part of every day life. I’m glad mat pay has improved of course but mothering has become this intensive experience (that to be honest I’m not sure is actually particularly good for anyone) and people of your MILs generation often think people of our age are being precious and ridiculous and can’t understand why you wouldn’t welcome a few hours off to sort the house or get your hair done or whatever.

Im not saying I agree with her approach but this is a very common sort of dynamic to have with the older generation and it’s worth thinking about things from the other side. Ultimately it’s completely up to you what you say yes or no to and if you don’t feel comfortable then don’t let your baby go to them. However in the grand scheme of things I do think it’s often a good idea for young babies to spend time alone with people other than mum, maybe think about how it could be done in a way that you feel more comfortable with. 1-2 hours is plenty there’s no need for them to have him for 5+ hours at a time. You could also avoid nap times if that helped although babies will sleep if they’re tired and it’s perhaps a good idea to get him used to being flexible with napping - there’s a reason that second or third or subsequent babies are described as “more chilled out” mainly because parents can’t live their entire lives around every tiny perceived need and they have to nap on the school run/wait a few mins for a feed while you sort toddler out/eat what the older one is eating etc.

I’ve just thought of another thing I was embarrassingly precious about… I would “let” my DM or my DMIL take my eldest for a walk in the pram but I said it could only be for a maximum of 30 mins and there were certain routes I asked them not to take her on because I thought the terrain was too rough for the buggy and I was worried the vibrations from the bumpy terrain would give her brain damage 😂 god how ridiculous must I have sounded.

It's just not practical. Babies that age just want their mothers after being held by someone else for a few minutes. As for the snarky comments about having to "prepare", clearly they have forgotten it's like moving an army when you go anywhere with a baby. Mind you, my eldest is 18 and I haven't forgotten, so they are just being thoughtless and selfish.

PIL babysat DD1 when she was 10 weeks old. It was my 30th birthday and we went out for dinner only 10 minutes down the road, I was very lucky to have well-established breastfeeding and routine and able to express milk and get her to take a bottle for one feed a day from 8 weeks. Also by then she generally slept from 7pm to her next feed about 10.30pm (the one DH did after I was able to express as I was usually asleep by about 9.30pm then got up for night feeds). So they didn't have to do anything, just be there, though I had left a bottle of my milk just in case, and we got back before she woke up. There was a lot of preparation to be able to go out for a couple of hours though! They are bonkers to think you should just drop everything to go and see them/drop the baby off.