Accidentally misgendering

[ScoR20]

Out in a public place today, mistook a boy for a girl (maybe 5 years old, had long hair, clothes more girly than boy looking). The kid replied "I'm not a girl" clearly quite frustrated. I replied in the moment "oh, I'm sorry." I just wondered as a parent would you not do something about this, as clearly it's a regular occurrence for this child and it is getting to them/or should we all be changing to use only gender neutral labels and language going forward?

Part of what I do is customer service. I misgendered a boy of 15 who looked exactly like his younger sister. Yes, he has very long hair, but he did look like a girl to me! His mum corrected me and I apologised to him. I was embarrassed but I tend to take things to heart.

I've been misgendered by customers because some are from more conservative cultures who see me in my uniform and my hair stuffed into a woolly hat and make the wrong assumption. I'm not fussed by it.

This 100%.

A lady in a supermarket called my son a girl once (which I actually didn't bother correcting because I didn't care) but then followed up asking "her name" and I gave his obviously male name. The lady then said "oh he's a boy, I'm so sorry I was just looking at his beautiful face. I didn't even look at his clothes" (he was wearing a t-shirt that said "just a boy who loves dinosuars" so the clothing comment did make sense) which I thought was an incredibly clever way to get out of the "misgendering" conversation, Bravo lady in Asda.

I would also wonder what you were saying to this complete stranger of a child that you needed to include their sex? I tend to use neutral language because it's easier for me so "Let the other children have a turn" or "I think that child is trying to play with you" when talking to my kids... honestly I would not talk to strangers children unless they addressed me first so I'd just be answering a question so I can't see why I'd have to use the words Boy/Gir while talking to them.

I try to use gender neutral language for your kids when I remember.

My daughter got called a boy for ages (hair took a long time to grow + we dressed her in blue as it suits her colouring + she generally wears sensible shoes which are seen as more boys style). There also seem to be loads of boys round here with long hair and called Jesse etc, so I've been caught out a few times. Safer to use "they" unless it's extremely obvious ime!

Is it such a terrible terrible thing to get things wrong about someone that you dont even know?

Why all the angst over a simple mistake.

No, the parents don’t need to do something.

Why do we still have stereotypes based on the clothing someone wears?

Let’s face it the King occasionally wears a skirt and Princess Anne wears dress trousers and no one bats an eye.

Clothes are clothes, limiting children, or anyone, to a particular piece of clothing based on their sex is archaic. Girls can like dinosaurs, cars etc. and boys can like Disney princesses. They both should be able to buy clothes they like and not be limited by society’s lack of imagination.

The same goes for short or long hair, personal preference. David Bowie set up the Prevention of Cruelty to Long Haired Men in 1964 https://www.vogue.co.uk/arts-and-lifestyle/article/david-bowie-long-hair

Have we really not moved on in 60 years?

Ds had long hair and hated being mistaken for a girl. He didn't want to cut his hair and I didn't force him because people like you think he should.

Long hair is for men and women.

People assume my son is a girl more than they do a boy. He wears whatever he fancies (sometimes dressed head to toe as the Hulk, sometimes in pink and purple etc). He's only 5 and doesn't care (yet). His hair is shoulder length and he doesn't want to cut it (I dread the day!). It's never been an issue, he just politely corrects them. We've had lots of chats about how amazing girls are and how girls and boys can do the same things (he was coming home from school talking about how football is just for boys, dolls are for girls etc - this has stopped now). I think it really comes down to ingrained stereotypes, which are slowly being broken down. This is really a bit of a non issue though OP. You don't know anything about this child and you seem to be projecting your own hurt feelings about once being referred to as the wrong sex onto a small child who may well have forgotten about it by now.

Exactly! Don't understand the problem here. The parents should explain to the child that if you wear a girls dress and have long hair many people will think you are a girl. And it's ok.
I missgender babies, dogs even adults all the time. Never think it's strange. Say sorry and move on. It's nothing to be offended about: it's just how the english language is.
I don't think we should call children "them". It's something they should decide later on- when they are bigger and can think for themselves. As an adult, I wouldn't push on it.

We are discussing gender stereotypes too. But nice swerve of my question though.

It's one of those things, we get it all the time, my son is used to it.

It may even have been us you ran into.

You’ve not explained the ‘dressed like a girl’ comment. Do you mean he was wearing a dress/ skirt?

Omgod don't. The amount of times I've called children boys/girls incorrectly 🙈.

Same reasons as you - long hair on a boy and girlie clothing. People are bound to make that mistake.

I also called a 1 year old girl a boy. She was sat on the swings next to my Daughter and I said "aww are you speaking to the little boy". She had short hair (obv just hadn't grown yet), and she had navy baggy trousers, black trainers etc. Facially she also looked like a boy. I meant no harm but then heard the mother going around the park slagging me off to everyone and saying she doesn't even look like a boy & just because she's got blue trousers on etc.

I don't know why people get so bothered about it. My Daughters were also called boys by people by accident.

My son has long hair, it's only ever adults that have been rude or misgendered him. I think the fact that his own peers are never rude or actually care about the length of his hair says a lot.

If you were a teen in the 90s ALL the hot boys had long hair. Still love a man with it

People are bound to make that mistake.

Of course they are. It's petty to get offended because someone - shock, horror - thought you were a girl. Or thought you were a boy. DS1 has only recently had his hair cut short after having it long for years. He was regularly mistaken for a girl. It didn't bother him. He was even asked several times if he was a trans boy - not a trans girl as you might expect! It was curiosity and not intended to be offensive. He has it short now as he couldn't be arsed taking care of it as it's curly and prone to frizz. I was mistaken for a boy all the time when I was growing up, even though I had long hair, because I liked dark anoraks, jumpers and cords😆 People will make assumptions based on what they see and mistakenly misgendering someone is a far cry from actively telling them they are wrong in how they dress/present themselves.

OP you are massively overthinking this. One if my son's has long hair, a teen now bilut has has long hair since he was 4. When people mistook him for a girl he said I'm a boy and didn't care. Certain people thought it was odd but he and I didn't care, he has always been happy in his own skin (and hair)

@MolkosTeenageAngst

As I said, I disagree.

I know, I’m just asking why? I don’t get it so was hoping for an explanation. How is boy/ girl more warm than child?

My two sons apparently look like identical twins and people occasionally call them by the wrong name. they were both dressed in colourful clothes and had longish hair when young and were occasionally thought to be girls. People sometimes get my name wrong. A woman thought I was a man the other day because I was carrying a black rucksack.

Everyone gets mistaken for someone else, or called by the wrong name occasionally. It's not a problem.

It is ridiculous that misgendering has apparently become one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and that language should be changed to pander to a solipsistic few.

Don't make assumptions about other people its quite simple. If you don't know a person use neutral language. Don't put the upset you caused on to the other person.

My daughter has been mispronounced since the day she was born. The worst culprits in the first 3 days where the health care staff on the maternity ward who continued to use "he/him" after we gave her feminine name and used "she/her" in response to their questions. She was wearing a dinosaur sleepsuit. Her hair is very slow growing and it doesn't yet go in a pony tail even though she's 3. She is most comfortable in long sleeved t-shirts and leggings and will pick the neutral - boy clothes I pick her the girly clothes we have had handed down so often gets referred to as a boy. We get some ridiculous back steps when we say she's a girl actually. The most ludicrous was "I didn't spot her small curls". Yes because only little girls have curls.

This might have only happened to you once but this could be a daily occurrence to them so they might take it all thr micro aggressions to heart more. Why should they have to make inconsiderate people feel more comfortable and themselves less comfortable in their own skin by confirming to a drawing of a girl/boy from some long forgotten textbook?

OP I'm still not clear how you misgendered the boy in question. Did you say "run along little girl"? or say to his parent "what a bright girl"? I cannot see how you would be using pronouns - unless of course to parent "isn't she tall?" In any case I wouldn't worry about it and it's easily avoidable by not using pronouns/sex unless you know the child ... eg "run along" "what a bright child" or to parent "that's a tall child".

Jesus what on earth has it come to when you cant reasonably refer to a fairly obvious female child as a girl and have to call her a 'child'

And yes, people may mistake children's (or adults) sex occasionally but its a mistake, thats all.

My son is 5 and has long blonde hair and he just says "I'm a boy" he's not bothered, I'm not bothered it's just one of those things.

He's always in marvel and other typically 'boy' clothes and people still get it wrong.