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Original poster

Accidentally misgendering

135 replies

ScoR20 · 29/12/2023 21:13

Out in a public place today, mistook a boy for a girl (maybe 5 years old, had long hair, clothes more girly than boy looking). The kid replied "I'm not a girl" clearly quite frustrated. I replied in the moment "oh, I'm sorry." I just wondered as a parent would you not do something about this, as clearly it's a regular occurrence for this child and it is getting to them/or should we all be changing to use only gender neutral labels and language going forward?

OP posts:
minipie · 29/12/2023 21:58

What did you call him that was sex specific? I would always use gender neutral language to an unknown kid eg “hi sweetheart” or similar. Not in order to be gender neutral but because “hello little girl/little boy” would be weird?

Original poster
ScoR20 · 29/12/2023 22:00

Again, you miss my point. Couldn't give two hoots what children/people choose to wear. It is the mental impact of accidently being misgendered, I am referring to. I have learnt my lesson and won't assume again, but people will still make mistakes.

OP posts:
Josette77 · 29/12/2023 22:01

Why do you think there is a mental impact though? He knows he's a boy, you now know he's a boy. Not sure there's a problem?

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JustACountryMusicGirlInCowboyBoots · 29/12/2023 22:03

Ds has long hair. He gets misgendered, or rather mis-sexed, and doesn't give two hoots. He sometimes corrects them but sometimes can't be bothered. He knows he's male and knows that being called a girl shouldn't be an insult so he doesn't take it as one.

Accidentally misgendering
janfebmarchapril · 29/12/2023 22:09

Sorry but what are we supposed to say if we can't say boy or girl? I have a 2 year old and if someone was in the park with a pink flowery dress on and long hair I'd assume a girl?? Or is that not allowed??

Sodie · 29/12/2023 22:09

My son is eleven (year 6) he has hair to his bum because he just loves long hair. His dad also has long hair. He is always mistaken for a girl but he has very long and double layered eyelashes, so does look very pretty. On the whole he isn't bothered though.

Original poster
ScoR20 · 29/12/2023 22:09

He does have great hair. If it doesn't bother the child being mis-sexed/misgendered then not an issue. This child certainly seemed bothered by the way they shouted back.

OP posts:
DryIce · 29/12/2023 22:11

If it has made you re think your approach, then that is great! Well done.

But if you can accept your approach may need refining , why also suggest the parents should "do something about it". I assume you mean cut his hair and dress him in blue? That would only be indicating he is a boy by stereotypes, and ones that seem to be becoming outdated.

bakewellbride · 29/12/2023 22:11

@janfebmarchapril exactly!

Elfon · 29/12/2023 22:13

I agree that if it’s becoming upsetting for the child then the parents should talk to him to see if he would rather have short hair more typical ‘boy’ clothing. That’s just basic good parenting - giving the child some autonomy over how he presents himself.

BarryStyles · 29/12/2023 22:13

It happens in reverse to 10yo DD all the time as she has short hair and doesn’t wear skirts or dresses. We’ve always just played it down and said people just see short hair + trousers and think ‘boy’, no biggie. I could make the same mistake, so could she, it’s subconscious and people don’t intend to offend. I/she tend to tell people if it’s relevant/she’s likely to meet them again (e.g activity coach/leader or an adult I know etc) but otherwise she just shrugs it off. I think kids can understand it’s not personal if people make an assumption that isn’t accurate - it’s good to be a bit resilient. As for “why do you need to mention a gender at all”, I think it’s just natural in conversations like “the little boy was first, don’t push in”. Being neutral all the time is unrealistic.

thefallen · 29/12/2023 22:16

In the real world, a child with long hair in pink and/or a dress will be assumed to be female. On MN that's considered heinous.

Comedycook · 29/12/2023 22:18

So pretty much nothing happened. You thought one thing. You were wrong and the child corrected you. End of story

UnimaginableWindBird · 29/12/2023 22:19

People thought DS was a girl all the time. He had long hair (he hated haircuts) and delicate features. Sometimes they would think he was a girl when he wore mildly feminine clothes. Sometimes they thought he was a girl while wearing very stereotypically boyish clothes. When he told people he was a boy, they often assumed that he was a transgender boy who had started off life as a girl. He never found it particularly upsetting.Plenty of his friends are girls, so he he doesn't see it as an insult, and generally finds it funny. He did find it frustrating when people occasionally challenged him for using the boys' toilets, and preferred the unisex ones.

It's much less if an issue.now that puberty's kicked in, but I do think it's made him more aware of what life can be like for girls, because he's experienced some of that first hand.

DryIce · 29/12/2023 22:20

thefallen · 29/12/2023 22:16

In the real world, a child with long hair in pink and/or a dress will be assumed to be female. On MN that's considered heinous.

I think this is an extreme ⁸

Sodullincomparison · 29/12/2023 22:20

Dd was always taken as a boy as a baby even with a pink pram, pink dummy and little clips. Even when I told her name to an old lady one time she said “that’s an unusual name for a boy”

I think it happens and no offence is meant.

SouthLondonMum22 · 29/12/2023 22:21

ScoR20 · 29/12/2023 22:09

He does have great hair. If it doesn't bother the child being mis-sexed/misgendered then not an issue. This child certainly seemed bothered by the way they shouted back.

So now he didn't just reply that he's a boy but he shouted?

bellac11 · 29/12/2023 22:21

You mistook his sex

mollyfolk · 29/12/2023 22:23

Happened all the time with my middle guy as a toddler. He does have longish hair but he was also just very pretty and girly looking and he was always dressed in colorful clothes too. It baffled him but it didn’t bother me. He’s looks more boyish now he’s older - although he still has longish hair.

DryIce · 29/12/2023 22:23

thefallen · 29/12/2023 22:16

In the real world, a child with long hair in pink and/or a dress will be assumed to be female. On MN that's considered heinous.

I think this is an extreme interpretation! I'm not being disingenuous about it, I know the stereotypes. When I was a child a boy would never wear pink! My point is , that kind of thing seems to be changing and we're now the older generation and I think we have to appreciate that. Rather than expecting children to dress/present how we instinctively feel boys/girls "should"

I mean none of its inherent, it's all fashion. At one point pink was for boys! 60 years ago if you met an Ashley he'd probably have been a man

369damnshesfine · 29/12/2023 22:25

I’ve done this myself to an adult!

I learnt my lesson and from now on don’t assume that all males have short hair and wear blue and all females have long hair and wear pink.

Like you say it’s just habit but you feel awful and you worry they feel bad too.

If I am not sure then I simply avoid using pronouns at all or say they/them.

I do it with young kids and babies too because a lot of the time you can’t tell what sex they are.

Needsomesupport84 · 29/12/2023 22:25

bakewellbride · 29/12/2023 21:22

I agree op. I saw 2 boys at my local pool clearly frustrated as they had their long knottt hair put into pony tails for swimming. Just have it short I always think! Otherwise you can and do get mistaken for a girl.

How inconsiderate of them to not have a hairstyle that you approved of. It must be very difficult.

Loubelle70 · 29/12/2023 22:25

My grandsin

SutWytTi · 29/12/2023 22:26

janfebmarchapril · 29/12/2023 22:09

Sorry but what are we supposed to say if we can't say boy or girl? I have a 2 year old and if someone was in the park with a pink flowery dress on and long hair I'd assume a girl?? Or is that not allowed??

When do you need to say girl or boy anyway? What sentence do you need to say that you can't just leave boy/girl out of?

It is 'allowed' to assume anything you want, the issue is you might be assuming incorrectly.

369damnshesfine · 29/12/2023 22:27

What was he wearing?

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