Accidentally misgendering

[ScoR20]

Out in a public place today, mistook a boy for a girl (maybe 5 years old, had long hair, clothes more girly than boy looking). The kid replied "I'm not a girl" clearly quite frustrated. I replied in the moment "oh, I'm sorry." I just wondered as a parent would you not do something about this, as clearly it's a regular occurrence for this child and it is getting to them/or should we all be changing to use only gender neutral labels and language going forward?

people aren’t going to stop assuming Stereotyping people aren't going to stop assuming. But actually the numbers of these must be falling, as even though there are still a lot of oldfashioned people about, time does march on.

I don’t know why you need to worry about it?

if it starts to really bother him he’ll ask to cut his hair

My son has beautiful long black curly hair and blue eyes. Nobody has ever mistaken him for a girl I think it's because he's 5 foot 10 and has a beard

My other son was mistaken for a girl quite a lot when he was tiny. Because he was my 3rd boy I'd got fed up with blue and was dressing him mostly in purple while he was too young to care.

Used to live in Spain and still go back and visit. So many older (opinionated) women say my baby could be mistaken for a boy as I won’t pierce her ears even though she has a very obviously girly face! I refuse to shove metal through my child’s ears without her consent to please society. Looks chavvy anyway (if it’s possible for a baby to be chavvy)

I used to look after two little girls, the eldest (3 at the time) was petite with long blonde curly beautiful hair & loved wearing dresses & skirts & hated trousers.

the youngest was built like a tank & very rough & ready. Far more suited to leggings & trousers. She had brown hair, that grew into a 70's style 'boy cut' all by itself.

Everyone assumed she was the little brother.

I think the parents should have tried a bit harder to buy her more 'girly' cuts & colours, so that she got nicer comments & not just be assumed to be a boy.

Sadly I lost touch with the family, so don't know what happened as they grew up

i don't know why people are saying you don't need to refer to a child as a boy or girl?? Maybe they don't spend much time with young children?? I spend much of my day saying things like 'it's the little boys turn now' 'share nicely with the little girl'. Saying little child feels cold. What's one supposed to say?

I get it. Pre puberty they can look like a boy/girl. Someone I went to school with had a boy with long hair. It looked amazing and he was a sweetie but she was constantly posting about how he was mistaken for a girl, how it annoyed her so much and "boys have long hair too". I used to think if it bothers you that much, just cut it. I do understand what she was saying but it was an easy mistake to make. A clear cause and effect.

Unfortunately, we have been sort of conditioned that boys have short hair and girls have long. We generally pass other people's kids a short glance and our brain makes the decision. It's not meant to be offensive.

Feel free to rock the stereotype and have a boy with long hair but until it's more common, this will happen.

I spend lots of time with young children but if it’s a child you don’t know at the park/ soft play etc I think it’s fine to say, ‘It’s this child’s turn now’ or to just say, ‘share your toys with the other children please’ etc. It’s not cold.

When I was a teenager (not a child, admittedly) I would sometimes be mistaken for a young man, especially in certain clothes. This gave me two feelings.

Firstly, disappointment. I wanted to ATTRACT men, not look like one.

Secondly, enormous freedom. A moment before I had been weighed down by the weight of my teenage world. I had imagined that I was carrying around all my flaws and issues and all the world could see them. Suddenly I realised that the world knew absolutely nothing about me. They didn’t even know what gender I was. I could be whatever I wanted!

I was regularly mis-sexed as a teenager: from the ages of 11 to 25 I had very short hair, and always dressed in “male” clothes (still do most of the time).

Obviously I can only speak for myself, but yes, I was embarrassed when I was called “Sir” .. and most of the time didn’t correct them. But despite the embarrassment I never wanted to do anything about changing my look. And I can definitely tell you that calling me they/them would not have been an improvement because why would it.. I fully recognised myself as a female who happened to have short hair and liked wearing jeans and T-shirts, I was not non-binary (not that such a phrase existed in those days) .. so I don’t think your idea of using they/them to solve the perceived problem is the answer. I probably would have found that even more embarrassing.

I disagree, I do think it's cold & not welcoming/encouraging play.

I had short hair and despite being dressed in girly clothes still used to have people referring to me as a boy. It was frustrating. But I am pleased to inform you that I survived.

My son does enjoy wearing more ‘girly’ clothes at times but even when he’s dressed head to toe in navy blue dinosaur patterned clothing he is mistaken for a girl. Recently had an entire tram carriage telling me how ‘bonnie SHE is’. He doesn’t have long hair though he probably will if it ever grows. What shall I do about that? 😂 he’s just a ‘pretty’ boy with fine features. He’s sick of telling people he’s a boy as well. It is what it is. They are who they are. Just stop assuming/using gendered language unless you know the child.

I hope you've had therapy to deal with this trauma

A friend and her son - about same age as this lad-both liked him to have his hair long. He wouLd introduce himself as soon as he met people by giving his name and saying he was a boy

I genuinely don’t understand why people get so offended if their child is mistaken for the wrong sex . It really doesn’t matter 🤷‍♀️
I have a dog with a pink collar and people regularly make a fuss of him …she is called Maggie !
Son had curly blond locks when a toddler,he was mistaken for female…I really didn’t care !

How is it cold? Why does saying ''girl'' encourage play but saying ''children'' doesn't? It makes no sense.

It's also easy to say ''Remember to take turns'', ''Your turn is finished now'' etc without even needing to mention other children.

I was misgendered sometimes when I had short hair but only by men, not women. I remember a couple of women giggling when a guy called me ‘mate’. I don’t know why but I kind of liked it.

My son chooses to have long hair. He corrects people if they call him a girl.
As his parents we’re just letting him have his choice of hair style. I don’t think it’s having any negative impact on him. Interestingly it seems to worry other people more when they misgender him then it does him. He is clear having a willy makes him a boy so isn’t perturbed.

Why? What’s the difference between referring to them as ‘this child’ and ‘that little boy’? Neither is using a name, surely whether it’s friendly and encouraging play depends on your tone rather than whether you call the child a boy/ girl or just a child.

My 7 year old asked to cut his beautiful long hair cos a relative told him he was bullied cos he looked like a girl. Turns out it didn’t stop when he cut his hair so he’s growing it again. I’m so proud of his decision to do that. He loved his long hair.

i wish people would learn to stop making assumptions based on outdated stereotypes. Boys (and men) have had long hair for over 50 years, it shouldn’t still be a shocking/ surprising/ new thing for people to deal with.

I'd just try and avoid saying 'that boy/girl', especially when not sure. My baby is younger but she's often mistaken for a boy, she has hair (granted not a huge amount) and I think does look more feminine in the face for sure but she's under 1 so easy mistake but it's more that I like clothes with Peter rabbit, she has blue clothes and from what's labelled as boys section in stores. I just smile and say 'her name is x' or 'shes 10 momths' rather than 'shes a girl'. I don't mind and there's no impact on her since she's young, idk about a 5 year old

Don't worry about it OP.
This is mn where so many purport to be so modernist / liberal / woke unlike 90% of the population.

Most people would still think a child with long hair dressed in feminine clothes would be a girl .

My 11 year old daughter has short hair a d lives in trackies,she's constantly called mate,butty,lad,she was OK in beginning but finds it frustrating now.

I say he/she just because that is the language that is accepted and used all around me and I have grown up with. Never had a problem with using he/she. I’d probably only say they I’d asked or if “they” was requested by some other means (eg a badge).

It’s easy to confuse the sex of little kids. I’d say it’s probably fairly common given they haven’t developed obvious secondary sex characteristics.

I don’t think a child accidentally being referred to as the opposite sex is in itself harmful. Although Of course that individual child might dislike it or feel hurt by it, but very few people get through childhood without someone saying something that hurts them at some point. I think that’s different to “trauma”.

I don’t think long hair is that uncommon on young boys is it? I feel like we know quite a few kids that age with long hair. Though less common by about 8.

Also just to add. Kids are fairly clever. I’m sure by 5 kids know that some type of hair is more common for women and girls and less common for men. I’m sure they know that in our society women are more likely to wear a skirt than a man. Therefore I would’ve pretty easy to explain to a child that someone mistook them for being a girl because the person is used to seeing more girls wearing a skirt and having long hair.

Me and my 8 yr old had a good conversation not long ago about clothes and sex. Spoke about people like Harry stiles and Bowie, but also reflected on how most of the people we know wear things you would stereotypical expect of their sex, although sometimes you see people who don’t and that’s fine. Came about after my son wore a dress to school for “wear something funny day” then decided he actually liked it and thought he looked good in it. So we offered him to wear it again. If he did wear it he’d wear it knowing that it is an item of clothing less commonly worn by boys.