MIL hates me holding MY baby

Bluebacardi123 · 2023-12-26T17:49:01+00:00

Just want to rant and get this out of my system! So my baby is 3 months old and when my MIL comes to visit, once or twice a week, she always makes snide comments about how my baby only settles for me and it's because I hold her too much. Sometimes when she's holding baby, baby will start crying and she won't pass her back to me, saying it will do her some good to be away from me, I just ignore her and take baby straight out of her arms. She's a 3 month old baby for Christ's sake, her only comfort is me. Her dad is pretty hands off when it comes to looking after her and whenever he holds her, he has her for 2 minutes before putting her in the baby swing and leaving her to her own devices so yeah, he hasn't built up a strong bond with her. I am home with her all day, I do all feeds, all nappy changes, settle her for every nap and do all the play time/ tummy time/ bath time/ bedtime routines with her so she will be bonded to me much more than she is her dad. It would be great if he'd be more hands on and bond with his daughter, I try to encourage it as much as possible. I don't mind being the main caregiver, I actually quite enjoy it, but it irritates me to no end that MIL always makes stupid comments like "oh she's crying, she wants her mum" and "you spend too much time with her in your arms" and "put her down she needs to learn to be alone" My partner is older than me so his mum is in her 80's, I don't know what mean parenting they did back then but I am not leaving my baby to stress herself out and cry herself to sleep feeling alone and desserted. For context, she goes down for her 1st 2 naps and her bedtime still awake with little to no fuss and it's her last 2 naps of the day I let her sleep on me. She sleeps through the night 11+ hrs too but thats not good enough for MIL! Yesterday, xmas day, I passive aggressively responded to her comment of "you hold her too much" with "she's a baby, there's no such thing, this is how I am parenting MY child and it's working just fine thank you" She didn't comment again after that yesterday and I'm hoping she takes the hint and stops banging on but if she continues I think i'm gonna lose my rag.

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/12/2023 17:51

Your response to her was perfect.

Though I think the real issue here is how useless your husband is. He needs to be doing more with baby so he can bond with her.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/12/2023 17:53

SouthLondonMum22 · 26/12/2023 17:51

Your response to her was perfect.

Though I think the real issue here is how useless your husband is. He needs to be doing more with baby so he can bond with her.

Agree

Psychoticbreak · 26/12/2023 18:02

Tell her she only cries when ugly people hold her.

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

tokesqueen · 26/12/2023 18:05

Your anger and frustration should be directed at your useless DH.

CatMadam · 26/12/2023 18:07

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

I think this is a bit silly to be honest. My son wanted to be held for the majority of the first year of his life and is totally fine with going to nursery etc now! You really can’t hold a small baby too much, either- they’ve spent 9 months inside their mum, they don’t need ‘firmness’ so soon after birth!

DisforDarkChocolate · 26/12/2023 18:08

Good for you.

festivepains · 26/12/2023 18:10

Good on you for speaking up. Hopefully that will stop it if not laugh and say not that one again I've already explained to you I'm doing it my way

DidiAskYouThough · 26/12/2023 18:11

She needs to only visit when your pointless boyfriend is there to host her. Keep correcting her drivel, or just walk away and do something else, no need to give her an audience.

Topseyt123 · 26/12/2023 18:16

Your response to MIL was just right. She was/is talking utterly spurious drivel.

Your DH sounds useless. I'd be very much leaning on him to do more to build a bond with his child.

MintJulia · 26/12/2023 18:19

I think you've made your views perfectly clear to your MIL, but if you need to repeat it, go ahead. It's your baby, not hers, and her views are complteley irrelevant.

If she doesn't change her attitude, I'd be spending a lot less time with her.

And remind your dh that he needs to step up. He's a parent too, not just an observer.

PinkMimosa · 26/12/2023 18:21

We had this a lot from some of the older members of the family. I had to remind myself that they were encouraged to feed and change the baby, leave it in a pram in the garden for hours, feed on a schedule only and use the time to clean the house, cook for their DH and look after the other DC.

A very MN "this works for us" along with a smile and a change of subject is all you usually need.

GodDammitCecil · 26/12/2023 18:22

Agree with everyone else. What’s up with your husband?

Icelandic9 · 26/12/2023 18:24

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

I've had two, held them all the time when they were babies. It's never turned into a disaster.

Absolutely nothing you've listed there has happened with my two.

NewYearNewYu · 26/12/2023 18:27

You won’t make baby clingy by holding them, you will create a secure toddler. I think if this has been happening lots your comment was spot on and should suffice.
Your “d”h is your real problem. Tell him he is missing out on the joy of being a dad. Do everything you can to encourage him now or you will end up lone parenting. I have seen it too often, he is missing out, your baby is missing out and it is part of a good mums job to do what you can.

MimiSunshine · 26/12/2023 18:31

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

None of that is true. Secure children who’ve been held and soothed are far more confident and well adjusted than those who have been directed into learning to self settle too young

CattingAbout · 26/12/2023 18:32

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

What a load of goady tosh.

OP, my MIL is a similar age (though I will concede that's not necessarily relevant) and said similar things to me about holding my babies too much. I carried on diing it and they're fine.

My advice would be to not rise to it and get on with trusting your instincts. You are the world expert in your baby.

ChanelNo19EDT · 26/12/2023 18:34

I think yr comment was direct not passive aggressive.

Goose22 · 26/12/2023 19:05

Lonelynsad what a load of RUBBISH. There have been literal studies showing how secure attachment is made - firstly by being held! Very happy to link papers if they are of interest. But seriously, there’s no such thing as holding a baby too much. Period. I think your response was perfect OP.

onlyoneoftheregimentinstep · 26/12/2023 19:07

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

OMG - are you in your 80s too? I'm in my 70s and am appalled by this response. Cuddling a baby promotes secure attachment not clingyness.

SingASongOfSevenpence · 26/12/2023 19:08

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

Proven not to be true at all! Holding them and developing a secure attachment by supporting them in the early years is the best way for them to be independent when older. There are papers and plenty of anecdotal examples I know of!

Strictlymad · 26/12/2023 19:11

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

You are incorrect, op is exactly right commenting on the age- when she had her babies the advice was shove them in the pram in the garden and leave them to cry it’s good for them, so she’s following the advice she was given. Times have changed and we now know it’s highly damaging for babies brain development to cry, the high levels of cortisol damage the synapses and inhibit development. Holdimg them lots does not make them clingy- it’s the opposite, they learn their needs are met and will confidently leave you when they are ready, knowing you will be there. Leaving them to cry and not responding to their needs makes them clingy, they are in fear that when you leave you won’t come back when they call (cry), and so clingy on desperately when they have you. Being responsive is NOT a recipe for disaster, it’s a recipe for creating a confident and week rounded emotionally stable child. You are doing perfectly op.

Thepossibility · 26/12/2023 19:26

My MIL was annoyed that I breastfed mine because it meant I was hogging them.
I think it's hard for women who used to be the mother to take a back seat.

cornonthesnob · 26/12/2023 19:34

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

Olika · 26/12/2023 19:38

Your response was great! Keep standing up for yourself every time she makes these comments and she will learn to drop it. 🤞🏼

MIL hates me holding MY baby

Interested in this thread?