Page 3 | MIL hates me holding MY baby

Bluebacardi123 · 2023-12-26T17:49:01+00:00

Just want to rant and get this out of my system! So my baby is 3 months old and when my MIL comes to visit, once or twice a week, she always makes snide comments about how my baby only settles for me and it's because I hold her too much. Sometimes when she's holding baby, baby will start crying and she won't pass her back to me, saying it will do her some good to be away from me, I just ignore her and take baby straight out of her arms. She's a 3 month old baby for Christ's sake, her only comfort is me. Her dad is pretty hands off when it comes to looking after her and whenever he holds her, he has her for 2 minutes before putting her in the baby swing and leaving her to her own devices so yeah, he hasn't built up a strong bond with her. I am home with her all day, I do all feeds, all nappy changes, settle her for every nap and do all the play time/ tummy time/ bath time/ bedtime routines with her so she will be bonded to me much more than she is her dad. It would be great if he'd be more hands on and bond with his daughter, I try to encourage it as much as possible. I don't mind being the main caregiver, I actually quite enjoy it, but it irritates me to no end that MIL always makes stupid comments like "oh she's crying, she wants her mum" and "you spend too much time with her in your arms" and "put her down she needs to learn to be alone" My partner is older than me so his mum is in her 80's, I don't know what mean parenting they did back then but I am not leaving my baby to stress herself out and cry herself to sleep feeling alone and desserted. For context, she goes down for her 1st 2 naps and her bedtime still awake with little to no fuss and it's her last 2 naps of the day I let her sleep on me. She sleeps through the night 11+ hrs too but thats not good enough for MIL! Yesterday, xmas day, I passive aggressively responded to her comment of "you hold her too much" with "she's a baby, there's no such thing, this is how I am parenting MY child and it's working just fine thank you" She didn't comment again after that yesterday and I'm hoping she takes the hint and stops banging on but if she continues I think i'm gonna lose my rag.

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Namemchangeforthispostonly101 · 27/12/2023 00:56

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The OP has privacy concerns, so we've agreed to take this down now.

TMess · 27/12/2023 01:05

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

This is total disproved nonsense, and I’ve had a fair few babies. Imagine looking at a three month old infant and seeing someone you need to “be firm with”.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/12/2023 01:17

It's v likely she was directed to raise your partner very differently, so your reply or "that's not what we do nowadays" is perfect. She likely means well.

The bigger issue is she has a Dad who's not interested

ilovebreadsauce · 27/12/2023 01:21

Or the other thing they will say is ' you are making a rod for your own back'.It is actually true though, letting your dd get comfortable with your mil and dh doing stuff for her can only be a benefit in the long term.
I wouldnt let her cry herself to sleep, no, but i doubt that is what she is suggesting.Giving her a few munutes and gradually letting her learn to self soothe, will ultimately be to her advantage by giving her (and you) better sleep

GoodbyeGoosey · 27/12/2023 01:21

IWishItWasSpring · 26/12/2023 22:50

It was a very vile and ageist “joke”. Read the room…

Edited

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In what way was their joke "she only cries when ugly people hold her" ageist? Are you implying that all old people are ugly? That sounds quite ageist of you to me 🤔

Original poster

Bluebacardi123 · 27/12/2023 02:17

ilovebreadsauce · 27/12/2023 01:21

Or the other thing they will say is ' you are making a rod for your own back'.It is actually true though, letting your dd get comfortable with your mil and dh doing stuff for her can only be a benefit in the long term.
I wouldnt let her cry herself to sleep, no, but i doubt that is what she is suggesting.Giving her a few munutes and gradually letting her learn to self soothe, will ultimately be to her advantage by giving her (and you) better sleep

She does say exactly this. The thing is, baby isn't in my arms 24/7. She goes down sleepy but awake for her first 2 naps of the day and bedtime with little to no fuss. We go for walks in her pram and she's content then too. MIL is waiting on 2 new knees, I don't like the way she drives (way too fast and not observant on the roads at all) and frankly don't trust her to look after the baby according to my wishes so she will never, ever be called upon to babysit. I have always said she's welcome to visit for cuddles it's just the snide comments starting to irk me.

I know my partner is being useless with things and yes he should do more to bond with baby but there is a little part of me that kind of loves doing it all, being the primary caregiver and baby feeling safe with me. I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to her care, I know the little ways of how she likes things and I want to make sure everything is done as well as can be for her. You know how they say if you want something done right, do it yourself!

OP posts:

Orangeandgold · 27/12/2023 02:32

What I noticed about my DD when she was a baby was that she was very selective with who she would feel comfortable with. As her mum, yes she naturally took to me and cried for me. She was also very calm with her dad, my mum and sister. We had quite a full house as I lived with family so she was either being held or had a rocking thing that she would silently sit in.

she cried when she was held by pretty much everyone else but there were 2 relatives - one she was so comfortable with first time. I was so shocked! It was the first time I could leave her in a guests arms and pop to the toilet! She was only about 2 months old.

Babies do sense people - I don’t know what the science behind it is but you are definitely not the issue.

A part of me does agree with the clingy comment. When my DD was a little older, because she was so used to being held, not just by me, she would scream the house down if I went to the loo or was out of sight. So there is a balance to be had somewhere.

Psychoticbreak · 27/12/2023 07:22

thelengthspeoplegoto · 26/12/2023 23:06

I sniggered 🤭

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I had it on a babygro when my youngest was a baby. He rarely cried though sadly lol

CeeceeBloomingdale · 27/12/2023 07:30

Comforted babies turn into secure children and adults. There is no rod. Your DH could do with being educated though. He sounds like he holds similar views to his mother.

Cinderellanellabella · 27/12/2023 07:40

Bluebacardi123 · 27/12/2023 02:17

She does say exactly this. The thing is, baby isn't in my arms 24/7. She goes down sleepy but awake for her first 2 naps of the day and bedtime with little to no fuss. We go for walks in her pram and she's content then too. MIL is waiting on 2 new knees, I don't like the way she drives (way too fast and not observant on the roads at all) and frankly don't trust her to look after the baby according to my wishes so she will never, ever be called upon to babysit. I have always said she's welcome to visit for cuddles it's just the snide comments starting to irk me.

I know my partner is being useless with things and yes he should do more to bond with baby but there is a little part of me that kind of loves doing it all, being the primary caregiver and baby feeling safe with me. I am a bit of a control freak when it comes to her care, I know the little ways of how she likes things and I want to make sure everything is done as well as can be for her. You know how they say if you want something done right, do it yourself!

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OP, I felt the same as you in the early days in terms of wanting to do things myself and my way with the baby. I think it's a natural feeling when you have carried a baby for nine months and then given birth. Breastfeeding did not work out as planned for me but I still felt I wanted to do the feeds myself. However, I had to reflect on the wellbeing of my child in the long run and it is important that a baby also bonds with their father and that means getting your partner to do his share of the care. Also, parenting is a long term journey, and eventually you will, for your own health and sanity, need your partner to help. It is important for fathers to do their part.

NewYearNewYu · 27/12/2023 10:41

@Bluebacardi123 if you want to do everything right you will encourage you DH to be an involved dad. That is what is best for you baby.

MrsSunshine2b · 11/07/2024 12:26

LonelynSad · 26/12/2023 18:03

YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. Ultimately though it's entirely up to you how you parent your child...

Edited

What an earth are you talking about? Babies don't become clingy because they are loved and held. This is a newborn baby. They cannot "self-soothe", they can shut down and stop crying as a defense mechanism to avoid attracting predators when they realise their parents are not going to comfort them.

My daughter was very rarely not on myself or my husband for the first 6 months of her life and is extremely confident and independent, BECAUSE she is secure enough to know she can always depend on us to be there when needed, not in spite of it.

Your views are WAY out of date, nothing to do with age and everything to do with ignorance.

DearDenimEagle · 15/07/2024 16:55

Icelandic9 · 26/12/2023 18:24

I've had two, held them all the time when they were babies. It's never turned into a disaster.

Absolutely nothing you've listed there has happened with my two.

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Same here. 50 years ago. Had similar DH problem…he really wasn’t that interested and MIL problem later when we moved closer, but holding the babies was not a cause of any problems. When they could sit up, use a walker, crawl , they were held less and played on the floor / garden/ beach as they grew. They were far from clingy.

MIL hates me holding MY baby

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