MIL hates me holding MY baby

[Bluebacardi123]

Just want to rant and get this out of my system!

So my baby is 3 months old and when my MIL comes to visit, once or twice a week, she always makes snide comments about how my baby only settles for me and it's because I hold her too much. Sometimes when she's holding baby, baby will start crying and she won't pass her back to me, saying it will do her some good to be away from me, I just ignore her and take baby straight out of her arms.

She's a 3 month old baby for Christ's sake, her only comfort is me. Her dad is pretty hands off when it comes to looking after her and whenever he holds her, he has her for 2 minutes before putting her in the baby swing and leaving her to her own devices so yeah, he hasn't built up a strong bond with her.
I am home with her all day, I do all feeds, all nappy changes, settle her for every nap and do all the play time/ tummy time/ bath time/ bedtime routines with her so she will be bonded to me much more than she is her dad. It would be great if he'd be more hands on and bond with his daughter, I try to encourage it as much as possible. I don't mind being the main caregiver, I actually quite enjoy it, but it irritates me to no end that MIL always makes stupid comments like "oh she's crying, she wants her mum" and "you spend too much time with her in your arms" and "put her down she needs to learn to be alone"

My partner is older than me so his mum is in her 80's, I don't know what mean parenting they did back then but I am not leaving my baby to stress herself out and cry herself to sleep feeling alone and desserted. For context, she goes down for her 1st 2 naps and her bedtime still awake with little to no fuss and it's her last 2 naps of the day I let her sleep on me. She sleeps through the night 11+ hrs too but thats not good enough for MIL!

Yesterday, xmas day, I passive aggressively responded to her comment of "you hold her too much" with "she's a baby, there's no such thing, this is how I am parenting MY child and it's working just fine thank you"

She didn't comment again after that yesterday and I'm hoping she takes the hint and stops banging on but if she continues I think i'm gonna lose my rag.

Ignore her very very very outdated parenting advice.

you are doing all the right things OP x

Nonsense. I disagree completely. With a baby so young, give them whatever they need. They will naturally tolerate longer periods of separation when they are ready. This is how you build a secure attachment which then allows them to grow in independence. My son was a real Velcro baby, never tolerated a bouncer or swing, co slept until 5 months, contact naps until over 6 months, I pretty much carried him round until he could crawl and invested not one single second in “teaching” him independence of any sort. He is now 15 months, goes happily to nursery, sleeps in his own room for 11 hours straight, naps at home and at nursery and is generally sociable.

I'd just shrug and say "some mums don't want a break from their baby, thanks"

No, you do not need to be firm to be kind with a three month old baby. Babies need to feel comfort and security from their caregivers, this is exactly what the OP is doing.

Absolute rubbish. I held my baby all the time. She never went in pram or pushchair, was worn exclusively by me and partner until 14 months. All naps were contact naps until 8 months, after which I'd feed to sleep then roll away until 12 months.

She started nursery at 9 months, never any tears. From 8 months when she could crawl, she'd be the first baby off away from me at baby groups, all the other babies would be by their parent around the circle for waaaay longer. Sooo confident.

My Mum is in her 80s and would agree with you, that you can't hold your baby too much.

You sound like a great parent and your handling of MIL was spot on. Keep doing what you are doing.

Your DH on the other hand.... 🙄

I constantly get told to put my 19 day old baby down when he's napping on me!

This 19 day old baby currently sleeps in his crib all night, only waking to feed every couple hours. He also does lie quite happily awake on his mat with some sensory toys for 15/20 mins alone during the day.

If I want to cuddle my baby while he sleeps I shall! And when I get told he'll expect it, I simply reply along the lines of 'more cuddles with my baby, however will I survive' with an eye roll. He isn't even 3 weeks old and I thoroughly love my snuggles.

Whatever I do now doesn't matter at all. Sleep regressions will hit and everything will change irregardless of how he sleeps now.

I have heard this so many times, it's usually mil for some reason but also dm.

You parent your child as you see fit. Tell DH to deal with his mother.

It's extremely important for their brain development to have a primary caregiver they bond with. What you are doing is ensuring baby doesn't get literal brain damage that will affect them the rest of their lives. Children who are raised in orphanages from birth have this issue and it's so heartbreaking. When I had my first baby years ago my MIL said baby would get spoiled to my arms. First of all, GOOD!! Second of all, babies can't be spoiled. Thirdly, The newborn days don't last long. You don't have a lot of time to enjoy this. As soon as they become mobile it's all over. My DD started walking at 8mo and hasn't slowed down since. She wouldn't even slow down for a hug or kiss. She's going to culinary school soon and I tried to convince her to take a gap year and she won't. I'm so glad I held her as much as I could when I could. It's over so fast.

The woman is in her 80s for goodness sake. It would be kinder to speak to her and explain how parenting has changed. Your username is very apt btw.

The comment is very ageist and I’ve reported it. @MNHQ really need to take note of the amount of ageist comments on here.

It would be more helpful for @Bluebacardi123 to explain to her MIL how parenting has changed in a gentle way. If the OP chooses to hold her child all the time that’s their decision as a parent, everyone parents differently and there are no rights, wrongs or “recipes for disaster”.

I held both mine all the time as babies. By the time they were a year old they went to nursery with no tears and bounced into school with no tears. They had a secure attachment. I don't believe for a second that holding them leads to problems. Clingy children aren't caused by too many cudeles.

Her dad is pretty hands off when it comes to looking after her and whenever he holds her, he has her for 2 minutes before putting her in the baby swing and leaving her to her own devices so yeah, he hasn't built up a strong bond with her.

If I were you I would be much more concerned about her useless father than I would be about her grandmother.

It was called a JOKE ffs.

WTF? The baby is 3 months old. There is no being firm to be kind with a 3 month old baby. The ops comment was spot on and you need to stop talking just like her mil hopefully has.

What nonsense, I held my firstborn non stop and she became securely attached very quickly then when I did have to leave her she knew I was coming back.

It was a very vile and ageist “joke”. Read the room…

@IWishItWasSpring ageist? Lol Find another cause. Nothing ageist about my joke at all.

I sniggered 🤭

First response is exactly right.

Hahaha

Totally disagree with this, as does all modern research into child development. Very outdated view.

Kids who have their needs met, become confident and happy, well adjusted children and adults. We are their security, they need held to feel secure and loved.

@LonelynSad 'YABVVVVU for the comment about people in their 80s and 'mean parenting' I lost all sympathy at that ageist comment.
In any case, perhaps she has a point? Are you holding her all the time? Because anybody of any age who has ever had or looked after a child will tell you that doing so is a recipe for disaster. She will become the clingiest baby and when it comes time for you to need to put her down for something important or nursery/school etc then you're going to really distress her. In my personal experience it also hinders/delays their ability to self soothe as toddlers at bedtime. Parenting is all about sometimes having to be firm to be kind. That's not "mean parenting" it's just sensible parenting. '

This is complete rubbish. I was sole caregiver to my ds and held him constantly for the first eight months, at first in my arms and then in a sling. He became a happy secure child and is now a happy, well balanced teen.

Advice and trends in childcare change but the only piece of advice that is ever really needed, is for others to keep out of things that are none of their business unless their advice is specifically sought.

Next time, point at your boyfriend and say to his mother-
“well, you parented this one your way and he’s turned out pretty poor so you’ll understand why I’m not taking your advice”.

Agreed