To feel really deflated that adults dislike my lovely child

[Tootiredd]

Feeling really rubbish this morning. I have a DD 8, we’ve recently started to get the ball rolling on looking to get an ADHD diagnoses. She is fantastic, funny, kind but ultimately can be too much, doesn’t tend to have a filter, can come across cheeky and isn’t always aware of people speaking to her and ignores them, which if you didn’t know her you’d think she was being really rude. School, as it usually goes I’ve found, have 0 concerns but are happy to help me with this.

We moved to the neighbouring village 2 years ago and getting her to school was becoming a challenge, (20 min drive away, rural and I work in the opposite direction) so last year we changed schools to the village we are in now, which is way more convenient. I think this might have been the biggest mistake of my life. DD has grown up in a very small school where everyone knew her, parents loved her as they’d seen her grow up, it was very tight knit and lovely, however ofsted reports were always low and academically she really struggled. This new school is lovely too and she seems happy but I know she is struggling to make solid friendships and is still trying to ‘slot in’ to already close knit groups.

When she first started this new school instantly parents were all over me telling me that their child had gone home and said how lovely she was, the girls in the class’s mothers were adding me on social media and talking about play dates. I had a few of the girls round for a little tea party in the summer for her birthday and have had a couple of them over for play dates. to the point
DD made a little friend who lives a lane away from us and DD was invited to play, before this the parents were so keen to have her go round and were constantly getting in touch to arrange something, she has been round once and has been to the park with them and since then things have been really off. I overheard this girls parent ask another child from the class if she’d like to come play that day and the child was busy, girl then said to her parent ‘can DD come instead?’ To which the parent instantly said ‘no no not DD’. They walk past our house to go to school and DD used to walk up with them occasionally, this morning DD overheard friend say to her parent ‘can DD walk with us’ ‘no’ ‘but she’s right there’ ‘I don’t care come on’. DD was upset and I’m worried she will mention this to friend. DD is never invited to play dates anymore, yet this friend tends to alternate which friend comes to play and DD has noticed that she hasn’t had a ‘turn’. The whole situation just seems really off, at one point they were so keen for the girls to be friends outside of school and now it’s like something has happened. I’m absolutely not going to bring this up with the parents but wondered if anyone had any tips on how to approach it with DD? I don’t want her to be hurt or to feel unliked. Also any tips on how I can cope with this. I’ve spent the whole morning staring into space thinking about it and worrying.

Teach her resilience, good manners and nurture multiple friendship groups in different activities and areas. Stay in touch with her old friends too.

It really stings as a parent to hear things like this. Stay positive, keep doing your best and be there for your dd

Oof that's hard. A couple of kids who are close to me are like your DD, and I think was too when I was a child.

I agree that staying positive and loving her unconditionally is absolutely the most important thing - and obviously you are doing this.

One thing that might help is modelling not having to be liked by everybody, along the lines of "I'm not really X's cup of tea, but that's ok."

Unfortunately I think that is the reality of being a ND child. My eldest daughter is autistic and cannot maintain a friendship for longer than a few months.

I would politely ask the mum if there's an issue, or act oblivious and invite your daughters friends for a fun day out/fun play date, including this child.
The child's fomo will make her nag her parents to let her go if others are going

What are you doing about her being too much, not having a filter and coming across as rude?

I think, although it's very painful you both you and your DD. It might be a good opportunity to work on behaviours like these.

No shit!

A fair point, but what about the rude parents who seemingly don't care they could be overheard?

Op - I'd have a word them.

Hmm. It sounds like something happened last time your DD had a play date with the child.

Did DD say anything afterwards? Could she have been very rude to the parents, or damaged something?

Even if she is diagnosed with ADHD, you need to work with her on social skills: gently but consistently point out when she appears to be ignoring somebody, correct any “cheeky” remarks by reminding her that that’s not a polite thing to say / way to speak, pull her up if she’s droning on about something or being overbearing in a conversation and remind her to listen to others and let them take their turn to speak. All children learn this way, ND or not. Her ADHD may make her more impulsive than others, but you can still teach her how to interact with others.

It’s also fine to acknowledge that the friends’ parents you and she have overheard rejecting her are unkind and rude; and that you know she doesn’t want other people to think she’s unkind and rude so that’s why we need to think about and be careful what we say in public and how we respond to other people.

Have you actually been inviting people over since her party? Be more proactive?

You aren't saying anything about what happens when you invite people to play dates, could it be that you are just not reciprocating?

It also comes across that you are projecting onto DD the need to have quite exclusive intense friendships and to analyse them. Instead, just throw the net wide, invite anyone along to the park at pick up (not taking notes about people that say no). Lots of kids don't make best friends until they are older, but parents often force this on them as an ideal. The happiest kids at 8 are often the ones who just play with whoever looks like they are having the most fun that day.

It sounds like your DD behaved badly when being hosted by this friend. I think you do need to talk to the parents about it and ask them to be honest with you. Whatever happened, you will be better off knowing so you can help DD to manage better in future. Even (especially) if she is ND she will need strategies to understand herself and manage interactions with others.

Your thread title says that 'adults dislike your child' but your actual post says nothing about that and just suggests quite a jumble of different possible reasons for what you are perceiving as a reluctance to invite your child over.

Basically you don't know what those reasons are, and none of the possible reasons that you mention are evidence that adults dislike your child.

It is easy to get over-anxious about our children's friendships, and I am wondering if the first thing you need to do is take a few breaths and help yourself to feel more calm about it. This might be easier if you talk to a teacher or a trusted school-mum friend to get their perspective.

Don't jump to overly upsetting conclusions. Your dd may pick up on your fear that she is unlikeable

I'd noticed this, too. I have a NT child and parents of his friends and classmates aren't generally all over me telling me how much they love him or anything. What you say about things at the new school suggests that your DD's behaviour on a playdate was challenging, and the parent involved isn't keen to repeat it. I think all you can do is ask for honest feedback, address the issues with your DD, and invite her friends over to your house where you can keep an eye.

Your child might be lovely but I'm wondering if she is hard work. Both the play date and walk would have meant the other parent would have to oversee DD. Perhaps you need to always be there until DD is less of a handful.

Personally I find "cheeky" children intolerable, including my own.

This is super important. I am an adult woman with Adhd and Autism. I now overthink every interaction I have because my mum tried to 'teach me' to act neurotypical. Instead of just letting me be me. Unless she intends to be rude, your daughter is not being rude. You can gently let her know that certain things can be said differently, but making her aware of others dislike for her due to the way she says or does things only teaches her that she's not likeable how she is and she needs to change to suit those around her. That's how masking starts and I can tell you it's debilitating.

In your position, I'd be more inclined to ask the other parent what happened and explain your dd's neurodivergence to them. Explain that she never means to be rude and their dd means the world to her.

The people who are my best friends now, I've been friends with since I was tiny. They were the ones whose parents' saw through my quirks and liked me for who I really was. Their parents are now like family to me.

Oof, that's hard. I sympathise, my AuDHD DD similar age also does the ignoring people thing and finds it hard to respond if there's no 'purpose' to the conversation which as you say comes across as very rude if you don't know her. She also attracts friends who are similar. She has one friend who has relatively high support needs but is welcome over here any time and one who frankly I find incredibly hard work, let's call them Emma and Sarah.

Emma has autism, ADHD and dyspraxia, she can fall over anything. Things break when she looks at them, but she will always bring it over and say sorry this is broken (it's a rote learned response but I appreciate her doing it.) But she is a really sweet child who has learned to ask before grabbing at things, looks out for DD, and understands when she is overwhelmed and needs a break.

Sarah has ADHD and can be a bit of a pain. She'll come in and immediately start smashing the piano keys for example. I've told her a million times not to do that, she does it every time. She gets wound up and silly and breaks things then hides them. She nags for sweets. She has no idea when she's overstimulated and ends almost every visit having a screaming fit. Even her NDNs won't have her round any more which is a shame because underneath it she is a really nice child. I make sure that she feels welcome here but gosh it's hard work.

It sounds like your DD has unwittingly upset the other parent. Can you find out from her what the problem is? It might be something that can be sorted out with an apology. Equally it may be that any ADHD behaviours are just not something the other parent can cope with, and that's sad but that is a her problem.

It may also be that you need to teach your DD explicitly about social rules because she isn't able to grasp them intuitively. What I do (and Emma's mum does) is to talk to our DDs about what is expected and what is polite in other people's homes. DD is often really surprised by some rules and we can agree that they're not obvious (and occasionally that they are silly!) We talk about what is harder for her due to her ASD / ADHD and how she can navigate them - e.g. you do have to look towards an adult who is talking to you, but eye contact is optional. If you want to interrupt you say excuse me first. That sort of thing.

I'm so you and your adD are having this issue. I may take many years for your DD to make real friends and as a parent it's heartbreaking. I would suggest to school they try friendship circles and out of school look for groups and activities where she might be more inclusive.

Myself and all my children all have ADHD and we're all very different and fantastic. While you're supporting your DD with social expectations, keep reminding her how wonderful she is and that ADHD is not a bad thing!! It's her super power. Focus on the things that she's amazing at because she is ND.

It's not adults plural, it's this one mum isn't it? Or have their been other similar incidents with other people?
If it's just this one parent please try not to get so anxious about it.
However, I might be inclined to ask her if anything happened because your child needs help to navigate social situations and you'd like to know if she overstepped somehow so you can help her not to repeat in the future.

I wouldn't worry too much about whether other adults 'like' your child. You mention that in her old school 'parents loved her'. This seems a little over the top to me and I wonder if you have realistic expectations? I don't 'love' other peoples children. I personally struggle with other children who are particularly cheeky or don't behave well in my house (for whatever reason) because I find it hard on my own children if they wouldn't be allowed to act that way or there would be a consequence. An example was someone who came for a playdate an was walking round the back of the sofa and eating messy food upstairs despite being asked not to and so I won't invite her back

Why wouldn't you go and talk to the parent? Not in a confrontational way, just expressing concern that your DD may have misbehaved/ upset her or her DC at the last part date and you'd like to understand what happened.

Then you can decide an appropriate response, whether it's paying to replace something that got broken, explaining her condition and that she doesn't mean to be rude, offering to co-supervise any play dates if she struggles with your dd's behaviour, teaching your dd some particular behaviour etc

Why wouldn't you go and talk to the parent? Not in a confrontational way, just expressing concern that your DD may have misbehaved/ upset her or her DC at the last part date and you'd like to understand what happened.

Yes to this.

I think you're hoping that love will make everything ok and somehow you can get through life without your DD being recognised as different because she's lovely.

I'm sure she is lovely, but you need to recognise her difference and help develop strategies for coping with it.

Eg before a playdate, talk to other parent and say she is likely ADHD, sometimes she does xyz, if she does then do abc to manage it and if it gets too much then just call me to pick her up.

What I wouldn't do is send her over without acknowledging it, then hope for the best. Parents might be expecting playdates to need minimal supervision at that age and it sounds like your DD might need a bit more than would be expected. If I thought a playdate would keep my child occupied for a while then instead I had a very lively or questioning younger visitor, I might be a bit put out.

If someone said their child would like to play but I might need to supervise more closely, deal with a few prying questions and put away my best vases or whatever, I would probably be happy to do that so long as I knew what I was getting myself into.

Some parents will get it and work with you, some will want to pull back from anyone who is different. You need to persevere until you get to someone whose kid gets on with yours and who is willing to welcome her as she is, differences and all. There will be someone out there like that but you need to be a bit more open in your communication to find them.

I also wonder whether there may be an element of neurodiversity in you too. It's not typical to spend a morning staring into space worrying about a problem that may not even be a problem and your "to the point" suggests that might be something you say quite a lot? But magnifying things out of all proportion and zoning out to think about them is definitely an ADHD trait.... I am a ND parent and my suggestion would be hyperfocusing on what ADHD looks like in women and girls and then talking very openly to your daughter about what is a bonus (creativity, interest led attention, humour) and what can cause difficulties (coming across as rude, misreading social signals) as well as talking about things like sensory seeking and sensory sensitivity.

I need to clarify a few things that I’ve left vague in OP. She can come across cheeky as she’s not shy to ask for something ie if she went to a friends house she’d say something like ‘oh could I have some crisps’ before she’s taken her coat off. She can be seen as rude when people greet her or ask her something and she doesn’t answer, what people wouldn’t understand is that she genuinely hasn’t noticed she’s been spoken to. When she’s reminded that someone is speaking to her she apologises and answers. Mums at her old school were fond of her and she was popular, she’s quite a comedian and was well known and liked by everyone. As I say it was a small school of 10 children per class and they’d all grown up together from preschool and everyone met up regularly (we still get invites) outside of school. Obviously she is corrected if I’m there, which is why I’m worried about how she is when I am not there. Children come here often, she plays well, she is a little hyper and will go from toy to you impulsively. I get that she can be too much. Just want her to not be hurt by something she can’t control. She has 2 best friends that she has grown up with who understand her well, their mums are my best friends and they see eachother often so I’m not so much worried about her having no one. I would say something has happened last time they spent time together however the other parent is the total opposite towards DD, that being said although they were both there for both play dates this parent doesn’t tend to do any school runs. I do know my DD, she isn’t the type to be naughty, she can be slightly too much but really I have never had an issues that I would think a parent would totally go off a child.