To feel really deflated that adults dislike my lovely child

[Tootiredd]

Feeling really rubbish this morning. I have a DD 8, we’ve recently started to get the ball rolling on looking to get an ADHD diagnoses. She is fantastic, funny, kind but ultimately can be too much, doesn’t tend to have a filter, can come across cheeky and isn’t always aware of people speaking to her and ignores them, which if you didn’t know her you’d think she was being really rude. School, as it usually goes I’ve found, have 0 concerns but are happy to help me with this.

We moved to the neighbouring village 2 years ago and getting her to school was becoming a challenge, (20 min drive away, rural and I work in the opposite direction) so last year we changed schools to the village we are in now, which is way more convenient. I think this might have been the biggest mistake of my life. DD has grown up in a very small school where everyone knew her, parents loved her as they’d seen her grow up, it was very tight knit and lovely, however ofsted reports were always low and academically she really struggled. This new school is lovely too and she seems happy but I know she is struggling to make solid friendships and is still trying to ‘slot in’ to already close knit groups.

When she first started this new school instantly parents were all over me telling me that their child had gone home and said how lovely she was, the girls in the class’s mothers were adding me on social media and talking about play dates. I had a few of the girls round for a little tea party in the summer for her birthday and have had a couple of them over for play dates. to the point
DD made a little friend who lives a lane away from us and DD was invited to play, before this the parents were so keen to have her go round and were constantly getting in touch to arrange something, she has been round once and has been to the park with them and since then things have been really off. I overheard this girls parent ask another child from the class if she’d like to come play that day and the child was busy, girl then said to her parent ‘can DD come instead?’ To which the parent instantly said ‘no no not DD’. They walk past our house to go to school and DD used to walk up with them occasionally, this morning DD overheard friend say to her parent ‘can DD walk with us’ ‘no’ ‘but she’s right there’ ‘I don’t care come on’. DD was upset and I’m worried she will mention this to friend. DD is never invited to play dates anymore, yet this friend tends to alternate which friend comes to play and DD has noticed that she hasn’t had a ‘turn’. The whole situation just seems really off, at one point they were so keen for the girls to be friends outside of school and now it’s like something has happened. I’m absolutely not going to bring this up with the parents but wondered if anyone had any tips on how to approach it with DD? I don’t want her to be hurt or to feel unliked. Also any tips on how I can cope with this. I’ve spent the whole morning staring into space thinking about it and worrying.

You could possibly be right. I worry about little things when it comes to my children and this has really worked me up.

It can be hard for kids of any age to slot into existing groups. Doesn't matter whether NT or ND.

Just keep going. Your DD isn't going to get on with everyone and that's fine. Keep inviting other kids over - maybe have a regular play date afternoon - Tuesday or something so that your DD can invite different friends over each time.

Very few parents will turn down a play date at someone else's house and it does help your kid settle.

(Mine changed schools age 7 and it took a while before they were really accepted)

@Tootiredd with 2 ND kids myself we have plenty of experience of this. The social deficits do mean that friendship is really tricky. However my DD has always managed to find some groups of her own people, sometimes ND, sometimes as far from ND as to be at the other end of the scale. We went with play dates, hobbies, building self esteem which gets dented by rejection and generally trying to keep up the happy stuff. Also prompts on social skills when it comes up. My DD and DS are both fab kids too, they will get there.

she is a little hyper and will go from toy to you impulsively
Does she tidy up as she goes? And how does the going from toy to toy fits with the other child there wanting to play with her?

If my DC invites a friend and the friend starts playing with them but keeps switching activities my DC wouldn’t really enjoy the playdate. And I wouldn’t enjoy being left to tidy out all the discarded toys afterwards. So, assuming this wasn’t my DC’s best friend, I would encourage them to invite someone else.

Disclaimer: my son has ASD, he gets very stressed if others keep changing what they are playing with or even the ‘rules’ of games. But my NT daughter also wouldn’t enjoy it.

She can come across cheeky as she’s not shy to ask for something ie if she went to a friends house she’d say something like ‘oh could I have some crisps’ before she’s taken her coat off

DD is exactly like this 😁and because we're a ND household I don't think that's rude, and wouldn't have a problem with her friends doing the same - in fact they frequently do. But other parents do think it's rude. With my DD, if the other parent said "you haven't even taken your coat off!" intending it as a mild rebuke, the rebuke would not land because it is too subtle, she'd take her coat off (probably drop it on the floor) and say "now can I have some please?" So I do understand. But I think you're letting her down if you don't tell her that NT people will think this is rude. I've told DD when you visit other people you can accept food if it is offered but you're not meant to ask directly. If you're offered something you don't like you can decline politely but you can't rummage through their cupboard to find an alternative or demand something different. You put your coat where you are shown, not on the floor. Unfortunately you sometimes have to deal with these one social gaffe at a time as you can't always anticipate what they will do that's considered rude. I'm seriously considering getting DD this for Christmas (I may well learn things myself....) https://www.amazon.co.uk/gp/product/173585445X/ref=ewc_pr_img_2?smid=A2KVF7QXNCLV8H&psc=1

But you also have to be realistic that there are some parents who "don't believe in ADHD" and if your child is verbal and doesn't have a clear learning disability, you could bring in a diagnostic team to explain your child's condition and how it affects them and they would STILL believe that your child is just unruly. You don't need those people in your life and neither does your DD.

OP in your situation I’d seriously consider moving her back to her old school (unless there’s any chance that the problem is you not hosting playdates or not networking with the mums?)

My DD has a close friend with adhd, let’s call her Flo, who we host for a playdate every couple of months. It is shockingly exhausting. Flo has a thousand different ideas for activities and as soon as one is started she’s off with her new plan. The mess is insane, indoors and out. Everything has to come off the shelves. Stuff gets broken because she uses too much strength, etc. I put up with it all because Flo has been so so kind to my DD at school. But my god I hate those playdates and I admit I invite other children over much more often. The non-Flo children simply hang out and chat and amuse DD, it’s like having a babysitter round. But with Flo I feel like I’m the babysitter - for triplets on speed.

I do recommend that you try to get the adhd drugs asap as I know several older children who have been transformed by it into children with impulse-control which makes such a difference.

Triplets on speed made me laugh @Ethelburgha

I think when you have a Flo of your own, your child is your normality and you forget how different they are - other people's children do seem unnaturally placid to me though.

Also, saying things like "adults don't like my child" sets a dangerous precedent. You sound lovely and I know you are worried but remember it's a couple of adults and plenty of adults like her. It might be that you are catastrophising a little. I relate, because when it was my child bring excluded I was heartbroken, but actually some people did like him and play with him and he did have friend(s) visiting which we are eternally grateful for. Always keep the positives in mind even as you try to work on what needs improving.

Are you explaining to the other parents that she might have ADHD?

Your thread title says that 'adults dislike your child' but your actual post says nothing about that and just suggests quite a jumble of different possible reasons for what you are perceiving as a reluctance to invite your child over.

I agree with this. It sounds like previous adults have been unusually gushing and full of how much they love the OP's child and this parent doesn't feel the same way, probably due to something that's happened on a previous play date.

If my child had a good friendship with a Flo (stealing the character Ethelburgha) then I'd probably tolerate a bit more mess than a typical play date. But if they weren't particularly good friends and I had to deal with them demanding snacks on arrival or being very hard working wanting new things every few minutes etc then I'd have question marks on how often I wanted to do those playdates. If the parents' response to that type of behaviour on drop off was to minimise in the "They're not shy of saying what they want, oh what are they like?" way then that's probably also likely to increase my swerve decision.
It would probably end up being a friendship where I'd encourage us to meet in the park or an external venue where their parent can manage the snack demands and my house doesn't end up a tip.

It sounds selfish but I want playdates to be enjoyable experiences, not a chore, and certainly not something where I get no peace during the play date AND a huge mess to tidy up later.

It's sad to say but unfortunately this is friendships and life for girls with ADHD. Girls are far more than boys expected to be polite and paying attention to others and their needs. It's seen as a moral failing much more than if a boy were to be the same.
Best you can do is continue to support her to understand how it is expected to be in society but avoid telling her to make herself smaller to fit in. You've got the ball rolling on the diagnosis and as you become closer to the parents at the school, you may feel able to explain her behaviors and Garner some understand from them.

They walk past our house to go to school and DD used to walk up with them occasionally, this morning DD overheard friend say to her parent ‘can DD walk with us’ ‘no’ ‘but she’s right there’ ‘I don’t care come on’

I wonder if this is the problem.

I do too. They used to ask for her to walk up. Now I found myself desperately rushing to get out of the house before they walk past to avoid awkwardness on both parts. It’s a very short 5 minute walk, not sure what could have happened.

I would bring it up with the parents - why not? You can neutrally say that DD has enjoyed spending time with the other girl, you realise there is an issue, and would like to know if there’s anything you can do? If she’s receptive you can explain about ADHD and working with your DD on manners. If she’s not, at least you tried.

It doesn’t sound like there is a general issue with parents?

Other than this you have to treat it as a learning op for DD that not everyone wants to invite you into their life. It doesn’t mean either of you is right or wrong, it’s just how it is, and it’s best to focus on the people who do want to spend time with her.

Sorry if I missed this but could you invite her dd over? This might give you an actual answer and bring it to the forefront (maybe you ask not your dd in case she does say no). There’s some great comments above- my son would be seen as ‘quirky’- extremely quiet but smiley with the odd joke thrown in, he isn’t everyone’s cup of tea but those who like him really appreciate him. Some people just don’t get others which is fair enough just a pity for your dd x Hope it gets sorted somehow op

I’m a mum of 2 ND DC, now teens. Unfortunately it seems to be a fact of life that when younger play dates etc are less often. However basic politeness and manners go a long way. Also as children get older they are less ‘cute’ and ppl are less tolerant.
Your daughter will really benefit from learning and using these basic skills. You can role play at home, when visiting others and if possible come on the playdates and keep and eye on behavior. Or arrive early to collect and supervise her tidying up. All these things help.
as the weather improves it’s easier to have these meet ups outside and at the local park. That can help too.
What @LolaSmiles has written has a lot of trust and sense in it.
i massively stepped back from friendships where the child didn’t have manners/parents didn’t enforce it or they wouldn’t listen to their parent.
Getting down to your child’s level, getting eye contact, issuing one step instructions and following though with simple consequences- eg child wants to go to the park but they are not good near roads so you could say. "hold my hand crossing the road and we can go to the park. If you don’t hold me hand we will go “. Can really make a big different in behavior. Clear simple instructions. A warning. A consequence for not doing as they were politely asked.

I don't like children asking for things in the way you describe. But if you explained to me her issues and said I could be honest with her e.g. no you cant have crisps, if you are hungry I will make some toast, then that is fine.
I have never let my children have open access to sweets and crisps as I want them to eat a healthy diet.

You also need to reciprocate with play dates. Have you invited this child back to yours?

You say moving her school was a big mistake
Any chance you can move her back
People do
I had a friend who did this with her son

I think it is something like this. Maybe some social stories to help her. Rudeness is not going to be tolerated by the majority people. Most parents are not going to be willing to put up with it ND or not. Sending you a hug

I think perhaps the parent just became a little overwhelmed by how forward your daughter may have been. Maybe, she has the idea that they would play happily without much input and that wasn't the case. If her daughter is a bit more laid back, it would have stood out to them alot more.

My children are a real mix of personalities, with two quite possibly ND, and I could totally understand how someone could find certain stronger ones alot to cope with mentally.

It is nice that their daughter wants to maintain a friendship with your DD. That's got to be more meaningful than what their parent thinks.

What was the vibe when you collected her/she was dropped off from the play date?

There's usually a bit of chit chat between the parents about what they've been up to, "good as gold" etc. was anything said (or not said)?

Also parents themselves have things going on - mental health issues, neurodiversity, stressful life events - and do not always want to or are able to have the energy to deal with a more demanding child that is not their own.

Lots of people don't like other people's children for any number of reasons around manners, behaviour, attitudes, educational achievement, wealth etc.

@FizzyWizard thank you for the Modern Manners suggestion, I’m buying one for DS!

Totally fine. Last play date was in the summer and she came here a couple of weeks ago, all occasions ‘she’s been fine, they’ve had fun, etc’.