Toddler pushes my dog

[Harrjenk]

Hi, I feel totally pathetic writing this post as I feel I should be able to sort it out myself but I’m totally stuck. My 2.5 yr old son, who is usually gentle and kind with people and animals, pushes and runs at my dog. He’s a rescue dog and he has learnt to hate this behavior from my toddler. He barks and shrinks away and runs away. My toddler loves this reaction and also any reaction from me and just keeps doing it. He often does it when we are out for a walk and I stop to talk to someone or take my eyes off the pair of them. The dog is on a lead and so can’t get away. I’m scared my toddler is going to get bitten as I really couldn’t blame the dog for that given what he has to put up with and I’m at my wits end of saying “No” and “stop” to my toddler. It’s not always possible to redirect his attention or remove him from the situation. I’m finding it unsustainable trying to separate them, I’m at home on my own with the two of them.

if I Google it, the answers are so generic like “just say No and remove your child” but I’ve been doing that for months now. Usually when I ignore the bad behavior it improves on its own with my son but it doesn’t seem safe to ignore this. Help!!!

@Temporaryname158 I’m not finding your comments helpful so I won’t engage with them anymore. Thank you for your advice.

Mine finds it funny if I shout and get annoyed.

I suspect it’s probably an attention thing. My son was just over two and a half when I had another baby and he tried to kick and punch her - upsetting but all I could do was move her away and reiterate that I was keeping her safe. It’s harder with a dog. If it helps he doesn’t now - we do have threenager behaviour sometimes but mines miles better at 3 than two.

We were lucky in that we live in the country, so generally, if dog was off the lead, DS could walk along. If on the lead, he was normally in the pushchair because walking at toddler pace really didn’t work for me or my dog on lead - we liked to make progress! Off lead, dog wasn’t really interested in DS and vice versa so we could all potter along.

I would encourage gentle contact, lots of praise for kind and gentle hands. But the moment things get out of hand, I’d be physically removing the child and using my most annoyed mummy voice to tell him this absolutely not ok.

Good luck!

@Icopewhenihope im really hoping it doesn’t come to rehoming the dog as I’ve come here for advice as a first step to hopefully resolving it. He won’t end up getting bitten as my dog always runs away, but I need to manage it better. I don’t refuse to remove my son- I’ve been doing it for months but it doesn’t seem to work so I was wondering if anyone has any better tips who has been through this. And I do always give a disgruntled “no”, I do it continually. I think maybe I wasn’t very clear.

Separate the two and make sure the dog has a safe place to go to to get away from your son.
When they are in the same room supervise 100% of the time. If you need to leave one of them comes with you.
If your son tries to run at dog. Stop him and say firmly "no stop now" if he continues say "you will sit out" if he tries to run at the dog again remove him from the room and give a time out for two minutes.
On walks either use pushchair or reins.

If you genuinely feel your dogs quality of life is worse consider rehoming.

@autienotnaughty thanks. I need to go further to separating them. The dog goes upstairs to the back room which is his own space, and there is a stair gate which I can close. The dog often chooses to be in the same room as my son, and I haven’t been persistent enough at separating them.

An immediate consequence, and be confident and forceful in it.

If he's watching TV, turn the TV off and take him out of the room for a few minutes. When you return, engage him in another activity instead of turning the TV back on. (But if he's watching TV why is he suddenly deciding to get up and run at the dog?!)

You say he likes walking and holding the dog's lead. Take the pushchair out with you every time you go out (until this behaviour is sorted) and if he hurts the dog he goes straight back into the pushchair. Tell him, you scared the dog so you can not walk with him.

When you remove him, of course he will kick and scream and try to get back to the dog. Be strict, forceful, show him that you are in control of this situation, not him - he is 2.5, you are the parent. You say he can open a stair gate to come back - you need to remove him and stay with him until he calms down.
Under no circumstances does he go straight back to the dog after he has scared it!

Another consequence might be that he doesn't get a treat he was expecting that day. That needs to be done close to the event at his age otherwise the effect is lost.

Another consequence is that he doesn't see your mum's dog for a while. You can tell him, you cannot see grandma's dog/our chickens until you are kind to our dog. Nor does he go to the petting zoo or near your chickens.
Talk to him a lot about kindness and how to treat animals. "What is a nice way to stroke a dog?" "How do we make dogs happy?" "What is a dog scared of?"

You say in another update that you don't want to let rip at him. Not raising your voice makes it difficult to distinguish that you are telling him off. How is he supposed to recognise the change in tone of the situation? You need to find an effective way of emphasising yourself in language and behaviour. You need to teach your child the difference between when you are talking, chatting, playing, and when you need them to pay attention immediately/when you need them to stop doing something immediately.

That he finds the reaction from your dog hysterical is worrying. You need to nip his reaction in the bud as soon as it happens with your own reaction. Otherwise he is going to grow up to be the boy who enjoys picking on and bullying others.

It is a normal (albeit unpleasant) stage for many toddlers @Harrjenk

Mine would shove other children if provoked or even if unprovoked sometimes and none of the ‘advice’ ever worked! All I could do was follow him round and move him if I could see things were getting testy. But he’s come through it mostly.

Obviously, your son and the dog need to be safe but it won’t be anything you’re doing or not doing.

Shouting is abuse. HTH

I don’t envy your position. It’s hard but a huge part of me feels so sorry for the dog being frighted and cowering like that. It really will affect him in the long run. The fact you are posting and asking for advice does show you care though.

Hopefully it’s just a phase and he stops doing it, if not (and soon) you need to rehome the dog asap

Not to worry you but very rarely this can be the start of Something called conduct disorder. I have first hand experience of this in the family and it led to the loss of 2 pets before it was realised and when looking back as a toddler the young adult responsible had bullied and hurt the family dog (but it was pts as was very old so at the time it was all out down to toddler behaviour)

It was never a normal stage for any of my dc. And I have 10+..
And we had a rottweiler.. And very respectful dc... You need firmer boundaries op. And a buggy for ddog walks. Let ds walk. Any negative behaviour towards ddog and back in he goes. Every time.

@HoHoHoliday that’s very helpful thanks. The question you asked about him watching tv- we can be sitting really calmly together and he suddenly gets restless and does it, it changes fast.

the problem I have with letting rip is that I have done it in the past and have instantly regretted it. I just don’t see how scaring him helps him learn anything. But I am trying to learn other ways to go about being firm- I do use a “cross” voice and raise it a little. But I think consequences are the only way forward, and more physical separation so he doesn’t even get the chance to be near the dog. As I said in another post, often the dog chooses to sit next to him (sometimes even jumps the stair gate to get back to him) which doesn’t help!

He's 2 years old! A 2 year old will do things to get a response. Just as they might use a cause and effect toy. It does not mean that he is going to grow up to be an abuser. He's a baby and will not have any sense of empathy or consequences of his actions yet.

I'm more concerned that the toddler is going to get hurt tbh. It's a hard situation. Perhaps a family member or friend could 'adopt' the dog until your son is a little older?

@Eveningintheafternoon thank you for your kind post

*I haven’t been persistent enough separating them. He won’t get bitten^

Dont underestimate the danger of a rescue dog and a toddler being left unsupervised.

Unfortunately there’s no easy solution. Be persistent In separating them, use physical barriers and continue repeating No and removing your child from situations.

You need eyes in the back of your head and stamina with a 2 year old and a dog!

@MyopicBunny certainly something I have considered. I guess with these posts it’s hard to convey the frequency- it doesn’t happen every day, but can then suddenly happen a few times in a row. So just as I think we are getting somewhere, it feels like we are back to square one, which today was like! I think some people are assuming the dog is in a constant state of fear- he isn’t, but even if it happens once a week it’s too much

@Harrjenk in response to some people saying about his reaction being worrying. I've worked with children for 20+ years and have 3 myself. Some kids love reactions and don't always understand the difference between a positive and a negative one. They just enjoy the kerfuffle of it. Plus at his age he won't understand the consequences of his actions. It's not an easy situation by any stretch but be patient and consistent and he will learn.

It's absolutely NOT normal for a child of any age to abuse / hurt a dog.

I think it's really concerning that a child is doing this and finds joy out of it. I'd be looking into why your child feels the need to do this, as no children I've worked with, or my child, or any other child I know abuses animals.

Not normal at all, it's pretty messed up.

The fact the dog runs away means it's scared and affected by the boys behaviour. As PP said above if he was running towards a fire you'd should 'no' enough to frighten them as they're in immediate danger.
He is also ok immediately danger everytime he abuses the dog, as who knows if and when the poor dog will snap and potentially kill a child. Rehome the dog or put a LOT of time and work into this to make your dog and child safer.

Toddlers are famous for doing things for reactions.

It is VERY normal for them to tease and annoy and even hurt family pets, siblings and their own parents. Should they be permitted to do so, no, of course not. But it is not indicative of wider issues either. I honestly think some of the reactions here are because it is a dog and a rescue to boot.

@Harrjenk I would not encourage letting rip, as in, screaming and scaring him. But I do think it's fine to raise you voice - louder and firmer in tone - to shout no/stop/come back here/etc. You aren't doing that to scare him, you're doing it to keep him safe. It might be to stop him running at the dog now, but later it's going to be to stop him running into the road, or to stop him pulling something off the cooker, or to stop him pushing a potential future sibling.

"The question you asked about him watching tv- we can be sitting really calmly together and he suddenly gets restless and does it, it changes fast."
So he's bored? He's got a short attention for watching TV. If you're sitting together watching TV have a couple of books to hand ready? Or a jigsaw, whatever, something that when he suddenly gets restless you can instantly put a book in front of him and catch his attention.

I didn’t say the child was an abuser. I said what was allowed to happen to the dog on a regular basis us abuse…which it is.

This sounds difficult OP. Well done for seeking help/advice.

I would also separate them 100% until he's older. You've tried to convey the importance of not acting in this way and it's clear he's too young to get it yet. That doesn't mean he never will but for right now, you need to act.

It's not just the threat of the dog to your DS , it's the harm to the poor dog. I would treat this as if he was hurting another child - Complete separation until I can be sure noone will get hurt purposefully (and especially not for the amusement of one!)

Good luck

Ds does this with our cat at times. I've been very consistent with physically removing him, saying no firmly and then directing him on to something else. If your ds kicks and lashes out then that's a different conversation of I see you're angry but i will not let you hit me. It can't mean that you don't follow through.

I would also try to start bringing in some emotion language like doggy is tired, doggy is afraid, doggy is sad we don't want to make doggy sad or afraid. Trying to teach empathy for the feelings your dog is having. I'd also get a toy dog and model and practice taking care of the toy dog, letting the toy dog sleep, leaving the toy dog alone when they don't want to play and repeatedly diverting to the toy dog instead of the real dog. "Buster is tired, we can play with your other dog instead" lead him away. In fact I'd have him engage as little as possible with the real dog so he starts to seem boring.

I wouldn't get cross at him he's 2.5, it's your job to manage your emotions as his parent and scaring him is not teaching him anything. We know now that that type of exclusionary discipline can be harmful to children's development and confidence which is why its not commonly used in nurseries etc any more. I would aim to be very neutral but firm so you're not adding anything extra to the 'reaction' that might be exciting to your son, but you're still taking control of the situation and removing him calmly and firmly and ensuring he isn't left to return. I'd also try to think about what activities etc your son has to be distracted with. Eg rotating his toys so things are newer and more exciting, having a bit of a plan for keeping him busy when the dog is in the room.

I use a pet stairgate to separate my 1 year old and my dog as well so that when I can't be 100% watchful they aren't in the same space together. I've also taught my dog a place command so he will go and chill on his space and my son isn't to go near the dog when he's on his space. (Space is just a bath mat in our living room) .

I do agree with pps that you're in a stage where you just need to be on him like a hawk at the moment and to be completely consistent and everyone in your household needs to be the same. I know it's not easy and is lengthy but he will eventually grow out of it. If you feel you can't manage it then I'd speak to a trainer/behaviourist about how they can work with your dog and son to help the situation or as a last resort I'd consider rehoming but given that your dog is already a rescue it really would be a last resort for me.

Finally I'd be really mindful of how everyone in the house is treating the dog. Always practising gentle hands when petting, not rough playing etc. My dog is high energy and we've really had to tone down the way we play/pet him since ds came around to help the dog stay calm and so ds can watch us being very gentle with the dog.

@autienotnaughty thank you. Tbh I’m not really listening to the comments about it being normal behavior as I know full well that toddlers love reactions whether good or bad. It’s also hard to tell sometimes as my dog actively joins my son a lot, and often play bows to him and wags his tails, and when he’s in the garden and has space around him to run they play really nicely together with my toddler throwing him the ball. So I wouldn’t say he’s being abused by my toddler! It’s just my son getting overexcited and pushing it too far and the boundaries get blurred. So I def need to do better with separation and stricter boundaries until he learns