AIBU for not letting my mil/fil watch baby when I go back to work?

[Firsttimemama01]

So hear me out before replying guys. As possessive and annoying my PIL have been since I had my son (11M now) I have always encouraged a relationship between them. I go over alot and invite them too, i sit back and only take baby off anyone if he's crying or is clearly asking for mummy. Every other instance I let them enjoy.
DH and his siblings grew up very differently to me and whilst I try not to judge I can't help it. They refused home cooked meals and were always given junk food (crisps chocolate) for dinner instead because MIL 'felt sorry for them' . They also drunk fizzy pop in milk bottles as toddlers 😳 I made it very clear DS is not to be this way and have introduced him to some incredible healthy foods and he has loved them all. I've noticed MIL always dangles junk food infront of DS CONSTANTLY. I've mentioned I don't like this for 5 months now but it's never ending and she always tells DS awww grandma would give you it but mummy's says no. Sometimes DS cries as candyfloss etc looks appealing to him and I take it away and she says 'look you made him cry' . Anyways I said no to childcare from her but still continue our normal visits with me there, but she found out I leave DS with my boundary accepting mother she was incredibly upset. DH explained to her why but she said she was playing with her grandson and wouldn't feed him that stuff till he's older. Lol. DH told me he eats healthily now and him and his siblings survived just fine so she should get him once a week. My mother messages me befofe feeding him anything as she knows some things upset his tummy etc. I would prefer her to be the only childcare option.
FIL is also a smoker and kisses DS on the face straight after a cigarette which puts me off even more. AIBU?

If you're not comfortable with it then stick to your guns. She knows your boundaries but she's pushing the junk food anyway. I do think it's normal for grandparents to want to spoil their grandkids but my MIL always asks me discreetly if she can give my son a biscuit or a small chocolate bar before she brings it out.

You sound a little too controlling tbh, your mum messages you every time she gives your child something to eat. This has got to be tiring for both of you.

having said that you still need to do what you are comfortable with and if they don’t follow your boundaries it is no good. What would happen if you sent them with all of their food for the day?

‘Boundary accepting mother’

😂

@Dotcheck and @Wolfpa ...

I have never asked my mother to message me, she just likes to be sure herself. She brought us up in a time where honey and other things weren't forbidden by HV etc. I love that you think it's funny that I have boundaries for not wanting an 11m old to regularly drink coke and Fanta LOL

I'm quite relaxed with grandparents and treats buy candyfloss for a baby? Nope. It was something like a mouthful of cake or some chocolate buttons!!

@shivawn honestly I'd let her give a little sweet stuff, I know she just wants DS to love her the most lol and giving sweets comes naturally to grandparents but i feel like nobody has read where I have written that she allowed her babies coke/pepsi/fanta as their night feeds aged 1 and above? Or that they had crisps or chips for dinner EVERY night unless dinner was a takeaway?

@PuttingDownRoots I think this is what I am trying to say. I allow mouthfuls of cake etc but DS is a foodie and will scream for more and more till he finishes an entire slice or more. He doesn't know when to stop food wise

The smoking thing would annoy me more.

But I'd let your mil do child care - just keep reinforcing your preference for food, take food over with him if you like, so you know what he's having.

Agree with @SunshineAndFizz the smoking would be a no from me, never mind the food.

Stop playing grandma bloody bingo. Dc is left surely with the ones that meet his needs more adequately? Is she trying to morph your ds into Augustus Gloop? Do not bow down op.

@SunshineAndFizz I mean I'm not a b hence why I asked for advice. I will try this approach as when I go over i take his food with me as there's never anything at theirs that isn't deep fried etc . I hope she will listen and not just feed him crap all day.

I was with you, but you can't call an 11 month old a foodie 😂

My mother messages me befofe feeding him anything as she knows some things upset his tummy etc

You do sound fairly controlling OP, but none the less, if you aren’t happy with her providing childcare, and you can afford an alternative, you can negotiate that with your husband.

However he may take the view that junk food once a week is an acceptable price to pay for a relationship with grandparents (not to mention free childcare).

@Santaiswashinghissleigh I agree hence why he is left with mum it's two bloody days a week, PIL still see DS 3/4 times a week regardless. Not sure why all the other MN are acting like I withhold DS from his beloved grandparents

He’s a baby OP, not a foodie

I’ve found to my cost that if they don’t accept boundaries from early on then they won’t suddenly accept them when caring for your DC alone; if anything it gets worse as they know that the day can do what they want and you won’t always know

@theduchessofspork I need childcare 2 days a week as I work part time. My mum can easily provide that. They would still see DS as often as they do

@Rjahdhdvd exactly. Mil undermines me and offers sympathetic cuddles to DS when he can't drink fizzy pop so I'm sure she would be worse if I wasn't there

I completely get you. And I wouldn't leave my DD with them either.

@SgtJuneAckland @theduchessofspork by foodie I just meant a baby that happily eats anything and isn't a fussy eater. I'm sure that was clear lol

Haha yes. Especially when it's for liking junk food 😁maybe call him a foodie if he cries at grandma's offerings.

OP you do make sense, especially if DC has some food sensitivities. The smoking thing is grim indeed - does the granddad at least smoke outside? But even so, unacceptable. MIL needs to get over herself - it's not like you're refusing contact.

You are entitled to certain boundaries OP and they should respected. But we're talking about one day a week, I do think it's a little cruel to not allow a woman to care for her grandchild, a woman who raised a man that I assume you love very much!) but allow you mother to care for him simply because she messages you before she feeds him. One day a week where he perhaps eats a bit of shit won't harm him, if he has allergies or something that will seriously make him poorly and she ignores that then re-address it. Obviously fizzy pop is a no-no and you are allowed to be Uber firm about that. I just think perhaps she deserves a bit of a chance!

The smoking would stop me visiting and the food thing would mean only od-hoc babysitting in my own house.

My FIL used to feed my youngest the widest range of crap like it was a good thing. Luckily it wasn't often.

@GrumpyPanda DS likes EVERYTHING. Healthy unhealthy whatever it is. He is very interested in food and weaning was very easy and he accepted every flavour etc. That's what I meant. I also did mention He cries at grandma's offerings! He cries when he can't eat the junk

The cigarette smoking would be the reason I wouldn't leave my baby with them.