Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

AIBU for not letting my mil/fil watch baby when I go back to work?

57 replies

Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 09:49

So hear me out before replying guys. As possessive and annoying my PIL have been since I had my son (11M now) I have always encouraged a relationship between them. I go over alot and invite them too, i sit back and only take baby off anyone if he's crying or is clearly asking for mummy. Every other instance I let them enjoy.
DH and his siblings grew up very differently to me and whilst I try not to judge I can't help it. They refused home cooked meals and were always given junk food (crisps chocolate) for dinner instead because MIL 'felt sorry for them' . They also drunk fizzy pop in milk bottles as toddlers 😳 I made it very clear DS is not to be this way and have introduced him to some incredible healthy foods and he has loved them all. I've noticed MIL always dangles junk food infront of DS CONSTANTLY. I've mentioned I don't like this for 5 months now but it's never ending and she always tells DS awww grandma would give you it but mummy's says no. Sometimes DS cries as candyfloss etc looks appealing to him and I take it away and she says 'look you made him cry' . Anyways I said no to childcare from her but still continue our normal visits with me there, but she found out I leave DS with my boundary accepting mother she was incredibly upset. DH explained to her why but she said she was playing with her grandson and wouldn't feed him that stuff till he's older. Lol. DH told me he eats healthily now and him and his siblings survived just fine so she should get him once a week. My mother messages me befofe feeding him anything as she knows some things upset his tummy etc. I would prefer her to be the only childcare option.
FIL is also a smoker and kisses DS on the face straight after a cigarette which puts me off even more. AIBU?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 10:28

@MRSMTO I have given 5 months of chances... everyone seems to be skimming over anything I've written about these things. I mentioned I do not get involved when we're over. They take DS out for little walks, go to whatever room, the garden etc and I will enjoy a catchup and cuppa with my SIL. I do not stop them for caring for him, he's just very little and for now I'd like to be there.

OP posts:
Justfinking · 09/12/2023 10:28

The cigarette thing would annoy me and I would ask for that to stop as it is harmful, similar wiyh junk food if your DC is only 11 months old. As one uptight mother to another, you should let them, it's good for children to have different experiences. You sound quite anxious and no doubt that will rub off on your child.

Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 10:30

@DisforDarkChocolate I agree. They already babysit at mine and theirs, I am not over their shoulder I get on with laundry and things and they have DS. I like to think I've been as lenient as possible considering.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

Lampshade88 · 09/12/2023 10:30

I understand your feelings with smoking and food and agree that it’s ok to not want you child having fizzy drinks etc. i do think you are also a bit controlling, however, most mums are with the first baby. I think I would say no to having him when at work, but I would allow DH to bring child to parents alone every so often, so they can have a relationship that fits their family without your disapproval (not suggesting you are wrong to disapprove) That way your husband won’t always see you annoyed around his family and they get to feel fully comfortable around GC. I do sympathise as I had exactly the same with my in laws. In the grand scheme of things they are still your husbands parents and he will notice your constant disapproval.

Goodnessgraciousmee · 09/12/2023 10:32

YANBU, she'll be so much worse when you aren't there. Don't know why some people come on here to pick apart random turns of phrase that OP has used - the gist of the situation is clear!

When it comes to your in laws - don't justify, argue, defend or explain - just politely say that you are happy with the arrangements you've made and don't need their help with childcare, thank you for offering. I think it is better not to acknowledge manipulative displays of emotion.

You probably do need to have a discussion with your husband though. Do take care to explore his feelings as well as your own. But I think at the end of the day you put your child's health first. His mum has consistently demonstrated her emotional need to offer/give your son unhealthy food. Perhaps you could agree to revisit the decision if she consistently stops doing this. But then there is also your FIL's smoking. I wouldn't want my young children in a smokers home unless they only smoke outside and change clothes (even then this would feel like a compromise) - but you won't be able supervise that if you're not there either.

As you have said they still have very regular contact with your LO and a good relationship. Many or most children don't have regular childcare from their grandparents or even see them every week - you're absolutely not depriving anyone.

FYI my mother in law shows love by feeding (and this is reflected in the whole family having problems with portion size, healthy food and their weight) and will give my children sweets, chocolates, crisps and pudding +++. In fairness to her, she does actually listen to an extent and gives less than I think she would like to! She's not half as bad as what you describe. So I mostly let this go - as we see them infrequently and yes, grandparents can treat their grandchildren (also she is respectful enough to make some effort!)

However, as your child grows it's even harder to keep them away from junk without depriving them of normal experiences (for example, party bags, choosing a treat at the shops with a friend etc). Every week or multiple times a week being giving junk instead of meals as a baseline from their caregivers, on top of all the usual exposures - that's too much and likely to significantly impact their health, tolerance of less sugary foods, teeth etc. You are not wrong to protect your child from this.

Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 10:32

@Justfinking MIL gave DS a strawberry lace sweet, not sure if everyone is aware of them and he completely choked on it and we had to dig into his throat and pull the long stringy sticky sweet out. This is after multiple times of me saying he can have a lick of a lollipop instead. Am I still being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 10:34

@Lampshade88 I already allow this!!!! DS goes with daddy at least once a week as he enforces the same rules, they just don't get annoyed when it's from him 🙃 I've seen it when we're together, when he says No it's cos daddy knows best so they listen. I also don't really complain to DH and when I say he can't have things always with a smile and very nicely laugh it off

OP posts:
Lampshade88 · 09/12/2023 10:35

Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 10:32

@Justfinking MIL gave DS a strawberry lace sweet, not sure if everyone is aware of them and he completely choked on it and we had to dig into his throat and pull the long stringy sticky sweet out. This is after multiple times of me saying he can have a lick of a lollipop instead. Am I still being unreasonable?

Maybe you should have led with that! That is a safety issue. Did you husband discuss this with MIL? In all honesty that is bizarre and downright dangerous. How did this happen when you were all in the same house?

GrumpyPanda · 09/12/2023 10:36

@Firsttimemama01 relax, I'm on your side. Just had to chuckle thinking of your tiny tyke salivating over dry-aged steak or Michelin-standard entrees. Sounds like you're lucky to have a curious, unfussy, slightly greedy (in a good sense) baby and are doing your best to keep it that way. Keep offering lots of different tastes and textures, and do persist keeping him away from the sugary stuff, you're doing well. I'm with you on not sending him to MIL. Bringing your own food will work for when you're all visiting, but she doesn't sound like she'd respect it when left in sole charge.

Lampshade88 · 09/12/2023 10:38

Then you ANBU and just say no. Sounds like MIL is like my one - if it makes you feel any better she has mellowed over the years and we have a decent relationship now. I think she thought I was a total oddball 😂 just don’t let it come between you and husband.

Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 10:39

@Goodnessgraciousmee thank you so much. I feel like people are just picking at my use of the word foodie and laughing as opposed to offering advice. They are not deprived by any means. If anything they see him more with me or DH and mum sees him the two days she has him. DH isn't upset by it? He said whatever I choose is fine as he sees how graceful I have been about my MILS behaviour towards me since I had DS. The day he was born everything switched and I was suddenly the other mum on the block and ny MILS position was threatened. She has not been nice to me since. I still invite them round, go over, make great effort. Bake them things, go on family days out with them (that i planned). I just DO NOT want them to have DS without me at this age is that so bad

OP posts:
amylou8 · 09/12/2023 10:42

What does your husband think? You're going to have a problem if he wants his mum to have the same time with DS as yours. If DH is on board just use your mum. Otherwise you may need to get a childminder for both days if you really can't stomach him going to MILs.

Nicole1111 · 09/12/2023 10:43

Stick to your guns. She’s incapable of respecting your boundaries, regardless of the health or safety implications. She’s had plenty of time to show you she would respect your boundaries and she hasn’t been able to do it. If you did a post saying your mil refuses to use a car seat you wouldn’t have everyone jumping on your back. Why is feeding a child something that’s not only unhealthy but also a choking hazard any different?

Iminpatchinghell · 09/12/2023 10:47

I’m with you OP, I’m a bit mystified but the responses saying your mil should care for your baby. Grandparents don’t have a right to care for their grandkids, see them, sure. But if they won’t listen to you on the junk food then they’re not respecting your right to raise your child how you wish. They could raise their kids, their way.
The smoking would also be a big no from me.
I think the junk food is ok to a degree, but he’s not even a year old. I’d expect those kinds of treats at 2/3/4, not 1. And fizzy drinks are absolutely not needed at all.
I think you should focus your energy on sorting this with your husband, as it’s him who should feel happy with the relationship with his parents. And keep up the visits with them, but refuse the junk food. I think if your mil asks you, then be honest. The smoking and the junk food doesn’t align with the way you raise your child. When he’s older you’d be more ok with the treats and maybe she can babysit at your home when he’s older.
Good luck to you, not an easy situation!

Kastri · 09/12/2023 10:47

I would not leave a baby there,it sounds very unhealthy.You could not trust her not to give him junk food and drinks.
Smoking and touching him is disgusting.

Pumpkindoodles · 09/12/2023 10:48

You’ve asked her repeatedly, she ignores you and she keeps making you the bad guy ‘oh look mummy made you cry’ and FIL smoking as well.
i would barely visit if that was my PIL so they’re lucky.

TheShellBeach · 09/12/2023 10:59

I also don't think it's okay for your husband to say that junk food didn't hurt him.

It's like those ninety year olds who boast that they're smoked forty a day since childhood and it hasn't done them any harm.

Santaiswashinghissleigh · 09/12/2023 11:00

Imo she sees him far too much and sees herself as the third parent... Maybe be less available and she will appreciate how good she actually has it..

Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 11:04

For everyone asking about FIL smoking, I'm nowhere near as harsh as some of my friends etc, I just ask he waits a while after the cigarette before kissing DS, maybe after he's had a drink of water etc and it's not fresh on him. I HATE the habit but am trying to compromise. He isn't as stubborn as MIL so although he forgets he has started trying to rinse his mouth our, he smokes outside but he tries to do it in a coat and then remove the coat before coming in etc. MIL however truly has an emotional need to feed my baby junk as when she was younger her kids and their friends throught she was the coolest mum for allowing crisps and chips for dinner every night and she thrives on this and now wants to be the coolest grandma. Agree with @Nicole1111 . What if I said she doesn't want to strap baby into car seat because he doesn't like it, he enjoys sitting on her lap in the car? Would that make her a cool sweet grandma spoiling her baby ? No so why is this much different specially with sweets and things that could he choking hazards.

OP posts:
Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 11:05

@TheShellBeach agreed, but that's the general tune in their household. We're fine, you're too strict. That seems to be the motto

OP posts:
Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 11:08

@Santaiswashinghissleigh when DS was around 4M it was overwhelming for me as MIL was abit over excited and made comments like cancel the HV visits, I know everything and was an amazing mum to my babies. As a FTM it was intense So I visited less and it didn't work out well and seemed to be damaging my relationship with her so I sucked it up and carried on making effort. Alot of the MNtters that have posted on my thread seemed to want to only find a way to blame me but understand I have done everything to make compromises before refusing them alone time with DS

OP posts:
PilatesPeach · 09/12/2023 11:08

Your baby your rules OP. The food and cigarette thing would put me right off.

Grandparents choices do not trump the requests of the parents - simple.

NorthernAttitude · 09/12/2023 11:12

I think you're getting a hard time. No one would want their baby being fed crap at a nursery so why at a grandparents? Grandparents don't have a right to their grandchildren or to do whatever they want with them? Stick to your guns, you're not being precious and if that can't respect your parenting choices then it's their problem.

Firsttimemama01 · 09/12/2023 11:26

@NorthernAttitude THANK YOU! what if nursery ir a child minder did this, and all of a sudden baby was screaming for coke? Would it be OK then. Being a grandparent doesn't mean you get to do whatever you want.

OP posts:
Newhere5 · 09/12/2023 11:39

YANBU at all.
It’s yours and your partners job to ensure baby eats well.
It’s one thing to give something sweet to 2 year old, quite another to 11 month old- they do not need any sweets at that age!
If the grandparents cannot get on board with that it would be a no from me

Swipe left for the next trending thread