Friend who went through DV now faced with homelessness and losing her kids

[ConcernedCitizenUK]

Hi everyone, I am supporting a friend who is really struggling and we don't know where to turn to for advice and support. Trying my luck here.

She went through an abusive marriage and has 2 small kids.

She left him and got a non molestation order on him and went to the police.

They had a council house but it was in his name, so she left and went to a council to declare homelessness.

Her previous council home was a nice 2 or 3 bedroom house but the council offered her a small council flat.

Unfortunately she received some really bad advice that she should be firm and refuse the property and the council will get her a bigger house.

She did that and the council banned her from being on the housing list and declared her "intentionally homeless".

She had a social worker to support her and also spoke to her local MP for help. But the MP seemed more interested in trying to take the children off her than help her (a tory MP).

The social worker organised hotels for a few weeks and tried to change the councils minds and then now have said they will no longer fund hotels and if she doesnt find housing by tomorrow they will take her kids and put them in foster care.

I have tried contacting journalists, womens aid charities like Refuge, Womens aid etc. They dont even respond.

Womens refuge charities will not help, since she is not in immediate danger, as she left her ex a while ago now.

I have no idea where left to turn to get her help. I am talking to all these people on her behalf and she is also talking to citizens advice etc and we cant find any help at all.

Any suggestions on what to do or who can help?

Yeah I agree. The hope was that if we talk to as many people as possible, mp, local councillors, social worker, citizens advice, journalists, women's charities etc, that something would get through and the council would reverse their decision and she'd get another chance, or at least someone would help her get placed in a private rental.

Clearly that approach isn't working so we'll just need to move her to another district and figure something out ourselves, seeing what can be done with work, childcare, getting a private rental etc.

I do think it's sad though that there is no support network that can help now. Yes she refused a property, thinking it would help her, but I don't think that one mistake means she deserves to not get any help from anyone now. Criminals get second chances but making a mistake with the council gets a more severe punishment that committing major crimes.

But yes we'll have to just figure it out without support. Looks like nothing is in place that can help her at this point.

I think also its probably worth trying shelter and seeing what they advise, and retrying women's aid and refuge to see if we can get hold of them this time.

The thing is though, take yourself out of the situation just for a second- why should the council reverse the decision? A quick google search would tell you what the outcome of turning down a property is, this will have also been explained fully to your friend by the relevant authorities. Unfortunately there are many people in the country who are homeless and desperately need help. There simply isn’t the time or the resource to go back and forth with someone who has been offered help and who turned it down when there are hundreds still waiting who would do anything for that offer of a place to live.

There is help/support available but there just isn’t a fairy godmother available who can provide a property now. There is support for getting back into work thus making it easier to pay for & get accepted for a property, there is support for childcare to make it easier to work, there is even support from the MP who is offering to pay towards a rental. She’s also receiving benefits which allow her to feed & clothe her children. It’s not fair to say there is no support because there is LOTS of support available for those who need it as there should be, but it is just that, it’s “support”, not “here you go”.

Just remembered I had already tried shelter also and the automated system just said they couldn't help

The system hasn’t changed at all, let alone ‘a lot’. This was January 2018, not the 1960’s. The only differences are that her child has the benefit of getting 15 hours free at 2yo, when mine had to be 3 until he could get free hours. Also she has the backing of multiple services and organisations including ss and her mp, plus a good friend willing to put the work in to help her, plus throw money at the situation. All I had were John and Ian, my work support couch and a man I met when I went to citizens advice. And your friend was actually offered a bloody property, whereas I was in a 1 room hostel for 18 months until I saved to go private. People are repeatedly asking you what kind of help you are looking for as her help is very limited now, and you seem to be getting exasperated with the answers. Yes, her situation is hard. No, it’s not easy just walking into a job with childcare to sort out. No, she can’t turn back time and take the offer. Yet that is the only answer you seem to be looking for, when there is no way now to get her back on the housing list as she is intentionally homeless. She needs to exhaust all avenues, though it sounds like she’s already done that to get the help that’s already offered, or learn to stand on her own two feet and provide for her own family. Your answer to every solution being ‘no because it’s hard’ is ultimately going to result in her children being removed.

2018 was 5 years ago pre covid.

For a start, the rental market became much worse in that time.

Shelter need investigating as they are useless and suggest people illegally sublet.

Shelter, women's aid and refuge have all been useless. I couldn't get through to any of them.

Considering they get about £50 million a year in tax payer money as government grants I think it's pretty appalling.

There isn't even anyone i can complain to about all the useless people I've tried to deal with to help this woman.

Looks like we have no choice but to accept the system is broken and figure out a way to wing it

Why are you arguing with everyone every step of the way like she’s some of special case where none of the usual rules apply? She’s not a special case, there’s millions of us in the same boat. 2018 was when I was given the section 21 notice, I was forcibly removed from the property towards October time. I spent 18 months in a hostel. I then got a rental DURING COVID. Yes the rental situation is worse now. BUT SHE WAS OFFERED A FLAT! I wasn’t!

The system wasn't broken last year when my friend was made homeless with 3 children. It wasn't broken when another family member needed rehousing. The difference is that they worked with the council and accepted what they were offered. Its not that the system is broken but that your friend refused to work with it. Before you start insulting me then I am a single mother on benefits. I've made stupid mistakes and yes if as you are suggesting that these children will be on the streets tomorrow not sofa surfing then ss will step in, probably under police protection order, when it gets to that stage then the children have been seriously failed by their parent and are at serious risk of harm.

They’re full on coming across as a couple of scumbags now. Woman and children are in need of help. Are immediately offered emergency accommodation, benefits and financial aid from multiple different companies including her actual mp offering to dip his hand in his own pocket to pay her rent, advice and support from multiple agencies etc. And then were offered an actual property. Which she turned down ‘cOz iTs jUsT a FlaT aNd I wAnTeD a HoUsE iNNiT’. Now the ops on here slagging off the broken system which has endlessly helped her. But god forbid the woman do something like get an actual job to make herself more appealing to landlords.

'Shelter, women's aid and refuge have all been useless. I couldn't get through to any of them.

Considering they get about £50 million a year in tax payer money as government grants I think it's pretty appalling.

There isn't even anyone i can complain to about all the useless people I've tried to deal with to help this woman.

Looks like we have no choice but to accept the system is broken and figure out a way to wing it'

On this, I completely agree. I don't want to out myself but I have been involved in helping someone and was shocked at finding out that they talk the talk in their adverts but do absolutely NOTHING to help anyone.

I have since conducted some public research and found many others who have experienced the same.

There is the possibility of myself and others declaring it as a scandal in the media but unfortunately there are legal implications and Shelter are unfortunately backed by huge finances.

None of which appear to be passed on to those in need.

When my friend was leaving her husband due to domestic abuse she found local dv charities very helpful. One had a walk in centre where you could get face to face help. I would research if there is anything like that in her area.

This thread is very confusing and I agree with others who say you don’t have the full story.

Why was she evicted from emergency accommodation? And if you say she was there for a year or two it sounds like she’s not done very much in that time to help her situation

I'm not arguing with "everyone", I'm arguing with those people I think are wrong and unhelpful.

I already know she messed up by not taking what she was offered. Repeatedly stating the obvious and casting judgement on her like she murdered someone and shouldn't be helped ever again isn't helping.

OK so you managed to work your way through a difficult situation and come out on top. Obviously I applaud you for that, but not everyone is going to be able to do that. I think she'll eventually have a similar success story to tell and her story isn't finished yet but she just needs help on what her next move should be from where she is now.

I have the full story.

She was evicted from her emergency housing after she was deemed intentionally homeless. At that point council washed their hands of her, including paying for her emergency housing.

I'm not sure what additional story is missing from that equation.

A year of that emergency housing was spent waiting for the flat, and some time after that was spent appealing and trying time fight the outcome etc.

She's only been out of the emergency housing and into hotels for about 1 month. And she's been trying her best to figure out a solution in that time.

But also the social worker had been looking for a private rent for her whilst paying for her hotels for a month, so there was still hope

Then yesterday the the social worker said the hotels were ending and she also spoke to the MP and they both effectively said that she either needs to find a sofa to sleep on until she fixes her situation, or the social services can offer a Foster home for the kids until her situation is sorted.

What was the emergency accommodation like? I can’t imagine someone waiting a whole year in emergency accommodation to be offered a flat, and then genuinely believing they’d be offered something better if they turned it down.

People aren’t understanding the thread because it’s not adding up.

Do all of her family live in London? If not and it’s close family that could be used as a connection to the local area to move elsewhere.

I’m also confused about the divorce settlement - is the divorce entirely finalised? She should have received advice about keeping the council house etc.

This is one of the most confusing posts I've ever read on MN and that's saying something, even more than Boswell and the post office steps!

When people were talking about her applying to another LA on the basis of fleeing DV I don't think they realised she had been housed for 2 years already, and thought the DV was recent. I don't think she would qualify under DV policies as it's not recent.

*ConcernedCitizenUK · Today 10:29

Yalta · Today 10:21
ConcernedCitizenUK

Why did your friend have a SW in the first place if there were no concerns about her parenting.

You do need to keep your story straight though. Is the Tory MP trying to take her children off her and taking a hardline because she is a single parent or are they offering to help her by paying the first months rent for her out of their own pocket.

The 2 scenarios are at one dds with one another*

*My story is perfectly straight thanks as it's a completely true story, and I have all the evidence and happy to share some screenshots with PII removed.

It's not at odds to say "well if you can find a property we can help you with first month deposit and rent, but you've made yourself homeless and the council have said that they'll refuse to reverse their decision, and if you can't find anything then your children will need to go into temporary Foster care until you find something".

And social workers do not only involve themselves when children are at risk. You clearly don't know many domestic abuse victims. When you go to the police regarding domestic abuse, social services are given a referral and offer to help the victim with moving forwards as a support system. It doesn't mean the children are flagged automatically as "at risk". The social worker is an adult social worker who's supposed to be helping her.

You seem to want to pick holes a lot. Might it be because of your political persuasion or your views on single mothers or domestic abuse victims*

I am picking holes because there are a lot of holes in your story. This is either made up or your friend is very lazy, very entitled and is lying to you

Your friend needs to realise that the world doesn’t revolve around her. No one is going to help her now she has turned down help.
The council aren’t an estate agency. They are there to get as many people out of temporary accommodation and into what little available housing they have. It is then up to your friend to swap/get enough points to upgrade on what she has been given.

I have a few friends who have suffered domestic violence and had police involvement throughout their marriages and during their divorce proceedings and have had non molestation orders against their exes

Not one of them has had a SW assigned to them.

You keep going on about people looking down on single parents.
The majority of my friends are single parents. I would say it is a perfectly normal given the divorce and the split up rates of those who live as a family. I would guess that at least 50% of parents will experience being a single parent at some point in their lives.

“well if you can find a property we can help you with first month deposit and rent, but you've made yourself homeless and the council have said that they'll refuse to reverse their decision, and if you can't find anything then your children will need to go into temporary Foster care until you find something".

Weren’t these 2 statements said by 2 different people. The Tory MP offered your friend her first months rent and you spoke to his assistant who spelled out a scenario of what could happen

The only person here who has a political agenda is you who has mentioned time and again the MP who offered to pay your friends first months rent was a Tory followed by a derogatory remark and attribute conversations you had with an assistant as being his views.

Your friend has had 2 years to sort her life out and instead has wasted so much of everyone’s time and continues to expect everything to fall in her lap

Financially your friend needs to look further out to find an area she can afford without having to rely on others to help.
Otherwise I can see her moving in to a place and then expecting everyone to help with flooring and furnishing the place as I doubt your friend would get freebies off FBMP and make do with 2nd hand.

No one is looking down at single parents 🙄
The issue here is the attitude of the pair of you. From what you've written, several types of help has been offered and declined. You've told her not to engage with social services which is ridiculous. You argued with a qualified social worker who obviously knows a hell of a lot more about their policies than you.
There are thousands in this position, and you seem to think she should have special treatment. Turning down the accommodation wasn't a "mistake" - it's a tad worse than that. She's intentionally made herself and her children homeless.
As for the bed sit - they aren't going to accept children, so lying about it is a massive waste of time.

Everything in this thread adds up, because it's all factually 100% accurate and can be proven with screenshots.

People just don't want it to add up because they don't actually sympathise with my friend and don't want her to be helped. So they'd rather try and pick holes in what I've posted than actually help.

The emergency accommodation was a self contained flat, can't remember if it had 1 or 2 bedrooms plus a front room and kitchen etc. It was decent. Did the job for the time being. Ground floor and wasn't high rise.

Her and her family have no London connection. She's from the South East but outside of Greater London.

Her family already live in the authority she applied to. She isn't actually from there, she lived in another authority with her ex and then fled to her family and applied in that authority.

Her ex isn't paying child maintainence, and has refused to respond to any divorce letters. He is subletting the council house they were in and the courier was unable to deliver divorce papers to him. The judge refused to proceed the divorce.

And her ex was violent and abusive. She's not going to try and live in that house given that he's threatened to kill her in the past. She's genuinely scared and doesn't want him knowing where she lives. Getting him kicked out of his house and taking the house from him isn't going to work. And I don't even know if you can take a council house off of someone in a divorce settlement.

Her ex is a genuine scumbag. She just wants a clean break away from him and to rebuild her life with him not having any contact or knowing where she lives

I've had male friends go through fake DV allegations so I don't take these things lightly but in her case he really is a piece of work.

What exactly do you find confusing? Perhaps I can explain it to you in simplified language to assist with comprehension

Has she ever had legal advice??
she absolutely could get the house back from him via a court order then exchange the property for another property in the same area without ever stepping foot back in the property.

The fact that she apparently had a social worker appointed because she was fleeing DV but also fled 2 years ago certainly doesn't add up. They don't hang about for years where they aren't needed.

I’m not saying you’re deliberately lying OP, and I’m full of sympathy for those escaping dv, those with housing issues, etc. But no one can help if they don’t know the full story. You said yourself you weren’t sure about the social worker, as you initially thought they were from Adult services.

Either way I think this is above MN’s pay grade, full story or not. Your friend needs to ignore your advice about disengaging with her social worker, and continue trying to contact charities etc.

Its worst case scenario but could she discuss with the social worker what foster care would involve, if it came to that? As long as it was voluntary and not court ordered it could give her a chance to get on her feet and rent a property. SS are also very keen on reunification and may be more able to help due to funding.