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Original poster

Friend who went through DV now faced with homelessness and losing her kids

323 replies

ConcernedCitizenUK · 04/12/2023 21:41

Hi everyone, I am supporting a friend who is really struggling and we don't know where to turn to for advice and support. Trying my luck here.

She went through an abusive marriage and has 2 small kids.

She left him and got a non molestation order on him and went to the police.

They had a council house but it was in his name, so she left and went to a council to declare homelessness.

Her previous council home was a nice 2 or 3 bedroom house but the council offered her a small council flat.

Unfortunately she received some really bad advice that she should be firm and refuse the property and the council will get her a bigger house.

She did that and the council banned her from being on the housing list and declared her "intentionally homeless".

She had a social worker to support her and also spoke to her local MP for help. But the MP seemed more interested in trying to take the children off her than help her (a tory MP).

The social worker organised hotels for a few weeks and tried to change the councils minds and then now have said they will no longer fund hotels and if she doesnt find housing by tomorrow they will take her kids and put them in foster care.

I have tried contacting journalists, womens aid charities like Refuge, Womens aid etc. They dont even respond.

Womens refuge charities will not help, since she is not in immediate danger, as she left her ex a while ago now.

I have no idea where left to turn to get her help. I am talking to all these people on her behalf and she is also talking to citizens advice etc and we cant find any help at all.

Any suggestions on what to do or who can help?

OP posts:
Pinkflamingopants · 04/12/2023 22:37

She urgently needs to speak to shelter and get a roof over their heads, what about trying with a different borough? Obviously she knows this but turning down a flat when you have kids that need a home is utter bonkers.

Original poster
ConcernedCitizenUK · 04/12/2023 22:45

They have a bit of family but their family already has their own kids and already overcrowded.

And even if that was an option in the short term, it still doesn't help with how they will find housing.

She has a 2 year old who's only in school a few hours, so there is no way she's going to work and make enough money to afford private rents. Especially as she has no formal qualifications.

Private rents are insane now. Like £1000 a month. And noone seems to want to rent to women on benefits

OP posts:
SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 04/12/2023 22:46

But she needs a solution. She is where she is now and she doesn't deserve to be punished this much for a mistake

It is a very serious punishment isn't it but she was told exactly what would happen and chose not to listen. I really do feel for her but it's a very strict system and if you don't follow the rules, you don't get housed.

Agree with contacting Shelter. Like all charities they are overwhelmed and it might take a long time to get through but their advice is usually excellent.

Original poster
ConcernedCitizenUK · 04/12/2023 22:47

She'd love togo to a different Borough. She has one in mind that she'd like to move to. But she can't get on the council list if she's not got a history there. And she can't get a history there without getting a house. So it's a cache 22

OP posts:
Pastarasta1 · 04/12/2023 22:49

I would be tempted to send Dr Charlotte Proudman a message via her Barristers Chambers. She's a Barrister however publicises things like this on her social media. You never know how she can help or she may know someone that could help.

Eglatina · 04/12/2023 22:51

She could try the Family Rights Group frg.org.uk/ for support, especially if the children do go into care tomorrow.

Eglatina · 04/12/2023 22:54

Is there a time period before she can reapply for social housing?

Octavia64 · 04/12/2023 23:03

If her relatives already have their own kids, a couple of options:

If they will take her in then she could do childcare for their kids and/or swop days of looking after the kids as a whole so she can work maybe weekends?

Possibly they would be prepared to be a guarantor if she is looking for private rented?

The private rented that you find through agencies tend to be sniffy about references etc.

If she looks on gumtree or openrent she may well find landlords who are more flexible and prepared to at least consider her.

Also, and bluntly, the long term is just a series if short terms. If her family will take her in short term then there is a solution. She can then hopefully help them out and they will help her out and she has a bit longer than one day to find housing.

Zippedydoodahday · 04/12/2023 23:04

Is she in London? If so it would be worth talking to Z2K and seeing if they could help her with a referral from her social worker.

Can any of her friends or family care for her 2 year old so she can get a job? Equally universal credit would help with childcare. With income she might get a private rental.

She could also not tell landlords about her children and try for a one bed. Not ideal, but potentially better than the alternative.

clareykb · 04/12/2023 23:07

The bit about the kids being taken in to care doesn't add up. Social Workers (I am one ) can't just remove children in this situation we would either have to go to court, get police protection (if children are iminently at risk) or section 20 which is a voluntary arrangement that she would need to agree to. For this to happen it would be likely that the children would have been on a child protection plan for several months and Mum would have been told to get legal advice.

I would check exactly what the situation is there so you can support in the best way and so you friend has understood what is happening.

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 23:25

ConcernedCitizenUK · 04/12/2023 22:33

The flat is no longer on offer now, she'd gladly take it if she could. She acknowledges that she made a mistake in turning it down, but she thought she could refuse it and get something better.

They did tell her what would happen if she refused it but family and friends gave her really bad advice that she should refuse it to get something better.

The flat wasn't suitable but obviously she knows now that you need to just take whatever you're offered but it's too late now.

But she needs a solution. She is where she is now and she doesn't deserve to be punished this much for a mistake

Why can't those family and friends who gave the bad advice now house her?
Why didn't she talk to the council about the rules instead of taking their advice? Why on earth did she think the flat was unsuitable, when she has so few other options?

She doesn't work? Does she plan to? What is her skill set?

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 23:28

I am a former journalist. No reputable one would be interested in this story; don't waste your time going down that rabbit hole.

Why can't she find another single mum to share with, and work a night shift so she can watch the children by day while the other mum watches them by night, or something like that?

It seems as though she is in a dire situation but not willing to consider solutions conmeasurate with her own lack of options.

barbieofswanlake · 04/12/2023 23:33

op I'm afraid she has not been honest about one day to find a property or kids will be in care. Social workers do not have that power in the scenario you have described. Are the children in a child protection plan?

Copperoliverbear · 04/12/2023 23:42

Can she not apply for universal credit to pay private rent

Nicole1111 · 04/12/2023 23:48

Has she officially challenged the decision
that she made herself intentionally homeless? Provided supporting evidence of why she wasn’t operating with full capacity at the time?

Luna42 · 04/12/2023 23:55

Call the shelter helpline with her tomorrow, you need to be with her or she calls herself, as it's her that needs to listen to and follow any advice.
She may be able to get legal help to challenge the intentionally homeless decision.
As a victim of DV she was entitled to be housed, albeit in a flat. She might be able to appeal to them on the basis that she had bad advice, and was suffering the mental impact of the abuse and the loss of her home.
If there is no other reason for the children to be taken other than the housing issue this is very short sighted of the council. It will be much cheaper to house her than the costs of court proceedings and foster care.
She could also ask for an urgent meeting with her housing advisor ( the person from the council who has made the intentional homeless decision) and her social worker and preferably their managers to resolve this.
As others have said, unless there is more going on I'd be surprised if they will action removing the children tomorrow. Could it be a threat to get her to engage? Or even that the social worker is trying to pressure housing to change their decision?

sheselectric24 · 04/12/2023 23:57

Sw here. Children will not be removed in this situation if it's exactly how you describe. I think your friend has misunderstood. All involved have probably said she needs to start being proactive in trying to rectify her situation or they will be concerned about her ability to meet her children's needs. Removal would be way off even then.

SW needs to provide a letter to housing and SW needs to be confident and firm with housing that they have a duty to house the family.
Your friend needs to research all local housing options and associations. She can get SW to write a letter and again support in persuading housing. Your friend needs to really engage with SW and push for them to do this.
Friend needs to seek urgent advice on benefits and if she is getting everything she is entitled and if she can get anything extra for housing. Armed with that she can go to landlords etc
Friend needs to look to her network even if temporary. Family or friends and ask what they can offer even if it's a sofa for now.
Friend needs to contact shelter and her local DA services. Not the national ones but her local one. There will be charities that support survivors too and she can find this out online or ask the SW.
Friend needs to prioritise getting a job. Once she has a job she can put the 2 year old in more hours at nursery and will be in a better position to get a rental.
Friend needs to apply to child maintenance.

Basically it's sounds like understandably your friend has been unable to be proactive in sorting her situation and making sure she can meet her dc needs. As I say understandable given her experience but now she needs to start to try get her own life together and this is what SW will be concerned about.

Itsallok · 05/12/2023 04:40

Your friend needs to get a job and start taking advice from the people who actually offer good advice and not ignore those who told her to hold out for something better. bloody stupid. And the kids won't be taken away

Redruby2020 · 05/12/2023 04:53

@tattychicken I assume you mean being able to re register as homeless. Yes they do allow you to re apply, I did this. Took some time, which i appreciate others will not have. But i got offered private in the end, through the council, which comes at the LHA rate for your area.

Redruby2020 · 05/12/2023 04:57

ConcernedCitizenUK · 04/12/2023 22:20

Regarding people refusing homes and still getting properties, that is if they are already council housing tenants and want to get a bigger house. If they are homeless they must accept the first property they are offered. If they refuse then they are classed as "intentionally homeless"

This is right, I heard similar things about offers/how many you get, back when I was in a similar situation, and here it is one and that's it. Although someone who I know of who was in Temp Accommodation.
She got offered a place which was further out than I think originally agreed she would be offered, as for some reason, and very lucky, it was almost promised it seems, that she would be moved back to her home borough.
So the first place was further out and didn't suit because of health needs, which i can not understand at all in terms of how the particular problem affects the person, but hey ho it seemed to work.

Redruby2020 · 05/12/2023 04:58

Octavia64 · 04/12/2023 22:30

If she has turned down state help and they have declared her intentionally homeless then she needs to look to her own networks,

You have said she can't get a private rental due to the kids and that she is on benefits.

Can she move back in with her parent(s) for a bit while she gets in her feet?

Siblings or other family members who might help?

Or a room in a shared house? Obviously not ideal but better than the streets.

A shared house will not accept a mother with kids.

RachelSTG · 05/12/2023 04:59

Surely a small flat without a abusive husband is far better than 2 bedroom nice house with abusive husband? I don't understand why she didn't jump at her offer of flat when fist offered?

Redruby2020 · 05/12/2023 05:01

kiwimelonlime · 04/12/2023 22:35

DM refused the first House and was offered a second (bigger, nicer area) which she took. We were advised she had 3 chances with Housing association properties, if she turned down the first two she had to take the third or be off the list. Can I ask what area you're in OP? Maybe it's different for each borough?

Must be because of the area, plus that is HA you are talking about so different again.

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