Friend who went through DV now faced with homelessness and losing her kids

[ConcernedCitizenUK]

Hi everyone, I am supporting a friend who is really struggling and we don't know where to turn to for advice and support. Trying my luck here.

She went through an abusive marriage and has 2 small kids.

She left him and got a non molestation order on him and went to the police.

They had a council house but it was in his name, so she left and went to a council to declare homelessness.

Her previous council home was a nice 2 or 3 bedroom house but the council offered her a small council flat.

Unfortunately she received some really bad advice that she should be firm and refuse the property and the council will get her a bigger house.

She did that and the council banned her from being on the housing list and declared her "intentionally homeless".

She had a social worker to support her and also spoke to her local MP for help. But the MP seemed more interested in trying to take the children off her than help her (a tory MP).

The social worker organised hotels for a few weeks and tried to change the councils minds and then now have said they will no longer fund hotels and if she doesnt find housing by tomorrow they will take her kids and put them in foster care.

I have tried contacting journalists, womens aid charities like Refuge, Womens aid etc. They dont even respond.

Womens refuge charities will not help, since she is not in immediate danger, as she left her ex a while ago now.

I have no idea where left to turn to get her help. I am talking to all these people on her behalf and she is also talking to citizens advice etc and we cant find any help at all.

Any suggestions on what to do or who can help?

I haven't mentioned it yet as people here advised me not to. I can look at whether any family can just have the kids a small period of time if the kids staying in the bedsit would be an issue.

She gets rejected from larger homes suitable for kids.

So what's she supposed to do?

Some people advised not disclosing the kids. If you have a better idea then I'm all ears

So your friend has both an adult and children's social worker?

You don't have the full picture. You've just said you assume it's an adult social worker. It won't be. So you don't have the full picture. It matters, because there is relevant legislation that if you want to help her it would be useful to know about.

She doesn't know.

Flats near me are £600 to rent? Not all flats are over a grand.

No I assumed the term was "adult social worker". I got the terminology wrong because I do not work in this field.

You've advised that adult social workers are only for people with disabilities etc and that's fine, so I've clarified that it's not an adult social worker wrong and I just mixed up terminology.

That doesn't negative the fact that I've seen this whole situation unfold over a 2 year period, know her well and her family, have seen all the correspondance and know all the ins and outs of the situation.

There is not any massive piece ofthe puzzle that I'm not aware of. I'm 100% confident about that. Me mixing up termonology doesn't negate that. I made clear that I was referring to a social worker referral during police involvement in order to help her get herself sorted. Whatever that process is called I don't know, as i do not work in social Work, policing, domestic violence charities etc

Based on the definition of adult social worker given previously its not an adult social worker. She has one social worker,engagement is voluntary, it came off the back of the police involvement, and their only involvement was to try and help with housing

You do need to make the landlord aware of the children who will be living their full time.

'The story isn't weird. Some people are just trolls or triggered by single mothers needing help clearly.'

I don't like most MP's regardless of which political party they represent, both Labour and Conservatives have rotten apples among them.

In your opening post you sneered at the MP you contacted for help by mentioning that they are a 'tory' but them later you let slip that this person was willing to pay their first months rent and some other financial help.

You castigate another poster for their political views yet you have a political agenda!

Your posts are unravelling as you do not have the full story about this woman, probably because she only tells you things that suit her narrative to garner sympathy.

You yourself say that you told her not to turn down the flat and to ignore the bad advice saying to refuse it in the hope they offer a big house. I find that odd that she did this given that you are portraying yourself as her most trusted friend and are doing everything you can to help her yet your advice was dismissed.

Be careful that you are not getting over invoke we with someone manipulative and you end up being dragged into a mess that she is creating.

I didn't "let slip", I'm happy to provide all information that's not personally identifiable in order to get the best advice. It's not a secret.

I didn't think much of the MPs help but honestly I couldn't care a less about that. My goal here is not to convinced anyway how terrible the tory party is, and I've no idea whether a Labour MP would have offered anything more than what the tory mp offered.

Based on the way they behaved though it did seem like a stereotypical tory council and MP though. Same attitude that some people in this thread have. Devoid of compassion and just see vulnerable women and children as a drain on society.

But it's really besides the point. The key thing here is to find a solution, not change the government. That's going to happen next year regardless. I don't think keir starmer will be much different anyway to be honest but it's not the point of the thread.

And nothing in this thread is "unravelling". Unsympathetic people are trying to pick holes in the thread, and I suspect this isn't the only thread they did that in, but it makes no difference.

As long as I find a solution then mission accomplished.

*commensurate

Journalist you say?

Anyway, are you suggesting she’s awake all day looking after multiple children, and then awake all night doing a night shift somewhere?

So the conservative MP was useless but offered her a months rent?
She's on depression tablets? Well yes that sounds like it won't help her well-being, I think you mean antidepressants.
You don't know the situation with the social worker, but early said you told her not to engage and then changed it to her not pursuing help from her SW because the Social worker was lazy and unhelpful, but gave her four weeks of hotels...so clearly not that lazy or unhelpful.
She had temporary housing for ?two year...you don't seem very sure, and turned down a flat after being in temporary accommodation?
Na bollocks she isn't giving you the full story and has hoodwinked you, far too many contradictions to suggest you know what's going on in her life.
Sorry OP she's taking you for a fool, I strong advise you DO NOT lend her any money or act as a guarantor, whatever sob story she's woven, is so full of holes you're at risk of falling into them.

Yes life can be grossly unfair, yes housing is in short supply, yes there are single parents (mainly mothers) living in dire circumstances, often going hungry in order to feed their children, yes the increased in homeless, hunger and risks of hypothermia are not okay in a so called 'civilised' country, but your friend is definitely not being honest with you.
Protect yourself, and don't get drawn into this any further.

I saved this thread to come back to with some advice as I’ve experienced similar, but there’s so much to unpick here I don’t even know where to start. People are telling you the same advice op, but you don’t want to listen. A house isn’t going to magically fall into her lap. All I can be bothered to point out is
1- you do NOT have the full story as this doesn’t make sense, this is not how a lot of it works, like multiple pp have pointed out who do know how it works.
2- your friend would have had it made VERY clear to her what would happen by every organisation if she didn’t take the first property. Ss/the council/ha etc are not there to trick you into not taking a property. She would have been made well aware that it was this or nothing. Why she didn’t take the property is beyond me. Which leads me to
No 3. I pretty much guarantee that you will regret getting yourself put down as a guarantor for this woman. The worst case scenario for you is her getting a property and then potentially a million things going wrong (including it being deemed unsuitable by either the council, or the landlord if he finds out he’s been lied to), then her having to leave with you being responsible for the 13k rent she’s going to have to owe for the next 12 months. You do really need to take a step back and encourage her to do things for herself.

@User13579367337
@anunlikelyseahorse

Both excellent posts which I hope the op pays heed to.

What "holes:? Me saying depression tablet instead of antidepressant tablet isn't a "hole". You're being a stickler on terminology. That's not a hole.

I know the situation with the social worker, I just got mixed up on whether she'd be classed as an adult social worker. Again. Terminology. Picking holes in people's Terminology is not the same as holes in the story.

I'm educated to masters level and if you're scrutinising my comments for "holes" and jumping on every little error in Terminology that I make then imagine what it's like for her.

The MP offered month rent and deposit IF she found a house, but she's been searching and couldn't find anything. So that's not actually helped. And I suspect this is pretty standard that MPs offer this in cases they support with homelessness. It's clearly within their provision. But she struck me as unsympathetic and not wanting to help and seemed to share the same sentiments at some people here "why should we have to go to work and pay taxes and she gets to freeload", this sort of mentality.

There is no hole in her story, I've been heavily involved and seen all the paper work from various authorities and corresponded with them directly in some cases.

I've got the full story.

And yes, I trust her to act responsibly with me being a guarantor and with helping her within my capacity in the short term till we find a long term solution. And I'll gladly help her.

Unlike some, I have compassion for people. She is a good mother, has it together, and deserves the chance to have stability. If she was a drug addict or criminal or dysfunctional then I'd still have compassion but I'd be reluctant to be a guarantor. But she has it together and deserves a chance

So what’s the alternative then op? Like pp pointed out before this post, as long as the childcare is ofsted registered, then it gets paid for. Your friend was entitled to handouts which she has turned down. There’s no coming back from that. Her options are to raise the money (ie get a job) to afford a private tenancy, or have her children placed into care. Which do you think she should choose? FYI I was in this position around 6 years ago. I was in hospital for 2 months with sepsis, ex was at home and couldn’t work and pay the rent as he was looking after our children. We applied for benefits which didn’t come through anywhere near in time. I came home to the news that we’d had an eviction notice and had 17 days left to leave the property. With 3 days to go ex decided to tell me he was leaving me and moved out, leaving us homeless and me taking care of our children whilst still very sick. We went into emergency accommodation, I found a new school with wraparound care for the 2 older children and a childminder for the youngest, and got every job I could do around the children. I had 3 care jobs with different agencies through term times, during school hols I worked in a biscuit factory as I couldn’t do the care hours then. I saved for a deposit and got a private rental quicker than the council even got round to offering me a flat (which I would have snapped their hands off for). You seem offended that people are suggesting that your friend gets a job and helps herself like the rest of us have to. You’re very kind (or perhaps a bit stupid) to be offering to cover hundreds of pounds of her rent, or go down as a guarantor (have you got the thousands spare if needed).

@Fiddlerdragon you are inspirational and saw that only you can take charge of yours and your children's destiny in order to improve your lot.

The friend that the op refers to wants someone else to sort it all out for her and isn't prepared to make sacrifices or put in the graft herself to better herself and her children.

The turning down of the flat if she was on her own would be stupid but to deny her children a roof over their head is not compatible with being a loving and responsible parent.

OK so if you've been through it then you'll remember how tough and stressful it was. You're both similar in the sense that neither of you ended up in this situation because of drugs or crime or some sort of highly irresponsible behaviour.

The difference is that she's made this error that she's finding it hard to come back from, and also the system will have changed a lot from when you had these issues.

Of course in an ideal world she'll get back on her feet and get a job that pays enough to pay all her bills and she won't need benefits or government help for housing. But it's not that easy for someone with two small children in the current climate

OP I can totally understand why you are going out of your way to try and help your friend, I’d feel the same in your shoes, but the blame for the situation your friend is currently in unfortunately does lie with her and your relationship to her is making you see the situation with rose tinted glasses a bit.

Your friend is not currently homeless because the council/SS/HA refused to help her, she was offered the help she was entitled to and she turned it down despite having been told not to do so. So she’s currently homeless because she decided she wanted something better. You’re absolutely right that there’s lots of vulnerable people including women and children who need help and housing, meaning that when your friend decided she deserved better than what the council offered her, they have moved on to the next person in the line who is vulnerable and homeless who will have jumped at the flat your friend passed on. It’s a system built on the fact that it is for people who NEED somewhere to live, and when you really really need somewhere to live, you turn nothing down. At the point you say “no thanks”- as your friend did- the council take the stance that you do not need help because if you really did, you’d take what was offered. This situation is not the councils fault.

The MP, regardless of political stance, has offered to pay first month & deposit- that’s a brilliant gesture and a good help to your friend once she gets a rental. Again, it’s not for the MP to rescue your friend, what they’ve offered to be honest shows more good will then she would get from our council. You say that the MP seemed unsympathetic, they probably were feeling unsympathetic and can you really blame them? It has nothing to do with thinking of her being a single parent or a “free loader”- it’s because she was literally offered a place to live and turned it down because she wanted something better. At that point, why should the MP sympathise?

This is a situation she has created for herself at this point sadly, and only she can get herself out of it. She needs a job even if it is literally 16 hours a week, an income will help with landlords as well as financially, and she needs to just keep applying for every flat/house within budget that is available anywhere at all. She’s already been offered the support she was entitled to and now that she has turned it down it is off the table, and rightfully so, because there’s too many others in the same position who need that help who haven’t turned it down because they thought they deserved better.

She & her children do deserve stability, but it is no longer the duty of the council, the MP’s, SS, or indeed you, to provide her that stability. She was offered it. If what she truly wanted/needed was stability and a roof over their heads, she was offered that. They did their duty. She chose to be homeless rather than take what was offered. So now it’s time for her to take the reigns and get that stability herself.

So who is the ‘they’ that are threatening to take the kids off her?

I've sent her a link to this thread so she can read all the comments and feedback, both positive and negative.

She already knows that she made a massive mistake rejecting the property but she can't turn back time and she still needs to find a solution to her current situation

A children's social worker, or maybe an adult social worker, or (let's face it) nobody at all...

Bloody people giving advice when they don't know what the fuck they're talking about 🤦. She believed family and friends over the actual council or whoever gave her the correct advice.

If she and her children can't all stay with the same person could different friends/family members take one each in the short term while she looks for somewhere to live?

Sadly, an appeal that is basically "I listened to people who just decided what would happen instead of people who knew what would happen" is unlikely to be successful.

I have worked in the housing dept of a local authority before I had kids and been facing homelessness years later and having been on both sides I know how easy it is for councils to say they have no further responsibility and how firm they are on maintaining that stance and I know how terrifying it is to be facing homelessness and the prospect of your children being taken into care.

You said you've tried women's aid etc but had no reply.

Keep trying. At this point, they are her best bet. It's not a no if you haven't been able to talk to someone yet.

Totally appreciate time travel is not an option, I think a summary of the best & most practical advice from the thread would be:

1. Make use of funded childcare to get a job. This will not only help financially but it will also put you in a better position when applying for properties- landlord’s want to be sure they will get their money at the end of the day, and so being employed should at least get you over the threshold for more properties.

2. Look into the rent being paid direct to landlord & OP committing legally in writing to be guarantor and to pay £X. This may also give a better chance of being accepted for a property.

That is the way out of the situation. Once you turn down the help from the state, you are on your own, and as you can’t turn back time it is futile to waste time applying to MP’s and the council when you could instead spend the time working/looking for work. That door (the council) is closed for now, it’s a hard lesson learned, moving forward is what is important now.

I've already responded to this point. And you mentioned that you work on the council, and look at your attitude. And people find it hard to believe people in the council aren't helpful. You're just a shining example aren't you.