I feel like we will never be in a position to have a baby

[Thejewellershands]

I wasn't too sure where the most appropriate place to post this was. Hope it's ok here.

Me and my partner have been together for 6 years. We have lived together for 4 years and just bought a house in the summer. We really want to be parents but it has never been the right time, however now that I have just turned 31 and the "right time" is still nowhere in sight I'm starting to worry a little bit.

The main issue is money and career. I never spent my 20s establishing my career, I never knew what I wanted to do and spent time going from one job to another trying to find somewhere I was happy. I have now started a career that I love, however I have had to start from the very bottom and plan to work my way up. Because of this, money isn't great.

We have 5k of debt on a credit card which is currently our number 1 priority to pay off. It's interest free for 2 years so we are putting as much money onto this as we can per month, however with our salaries we can only put £100-£200 a month on.

It's going to take us a while to pay this off, plus the house completely needs renovating and we are slowly doing this currently, however not getting very far as we don't have much money left over for it after bills and debt are paid. So it's also going to take us a long time for the house to be sorted and not the disgusting mess that it is.

On top of this, I am now really starting to enjoy working. I have always hated every job I've ever had but finally found something that I enjoy and want to do well at. I feel like I wouldn't now want to put this on hold to start a family as I am SO early in my career but already 31.

I know that the house doesn't need to be done before TTC, however we already have limited funds to do it up as it is, adding in the cost of a baby and childcare etc it would take years for us to do it up and it just isn't nice to live in as it is.

I feel like at this rate we will not be in a good position to start a family until I am in at least my mid 30s which I understand is not old, and people do it. But I worry about the decline in fertility and the added risks that come with age. Plus I have endometriosis that I've already had a few surgeries for so I have no idea how long it would take us.

I feel like I have entered my 30s how I should've entered my 20s. I feel behind at life and now I'm at the stage to start a family but only just have a house and career and income isn't going to improve any time soon until I start to move up. What can I do? Am I worrying for nothing? Sone advice for people who have experience would be great.

I’d get rid of 2 out of the 3 of them then. Every little helps chipping away at your debts.

As pp says get rid of 2 of the subscriptions. You can rotate them when you get bored of your current one. Your DPs phone is very high, get that sorted and on to a cheaper deal. I’m assuming the £240 driving lessons won’t be for long, once you pass that money can go on debt and baby so that is good.

@Shinyandnew1 @Overthebow yes this is good, thank you. DPs contract is up in 5 months so he will be going to a sim only deal so much cheaper. I recently booked my driving test for March so providing I pass first time I won't have that to pay from march onwards

Op there will never ever be a ‘right’ time- I despair of people waiting to have a large cushion- they never will because to have kids you forgo things and cut things you never knew you could (most of my clothes are over ten years old, I get my hair cut once a year, we mostly‘holiday’ by going on free day trips or visit family, we drink at Christmas (😅), fix things ourselves etc etc. We all make do and find the money so our kids are happy out!

I'm sorry to be blunt but it's unlikely you'll conceive quickly. If you definitely want a child you need to be trying now with that medical history.

Just go for it. You don't need to have everything paid off before having a baby. As long as you have a home that you won't be evicted from, and a warm, dry room for them to sleep in, they'll be grand. It is entirely possible to get everything you need for a baby without spending hardly anything (Young Planet, Olio, Facebook Market Place...).
You'll regret not having a child but I don't think you'll regret making career sacrifices for the sake of having a child.
We work to live, we don't live to work. Career shouldn't be our ultimate goal...

There's never a right time OP. However, if you enjoy your job now and it's early days, give it a year and see where it gets you to. 31 is still young to start thinking about conceiving, I started my proper career at 29 and had my child at 41, it gave me the financial stability I needed to take a year off work on mat leave, and I have no regrets. Financial stability is very important too when you deliberate when to have kids, as it gives you more options around mat leave, childcare, etc. Good luck with whatever you decide.

As long as you have a home that you won't be evicted from

But if they can’t pay their mortgage because they need two salaries to do so and then would they have no spare money to pay for childcare, then they won’t have a home.

If debt is interest free for 2 years, it makes absolutely no sense to pay it off. But £250 a month into a 6% interest bank account. Then pay off the debt in one bulk payment.

If people wait until they're ready to have babies, most would never do it. Sucks for the career break, but the job will still be there after maternity. Could also do shared paternity.

How quickly would DP increase earnings after the £500 course? I would probably divert debt money to that. 'You can't cut your way to growth' is one of my mantras, yes it's important to review costs but you're better off spending equal effort identifying how you can grow income. Can he take you out driving a LOT so you can maybe have less lessons or maximize chances of passing. I'm off the camp there is never a good time. I'd check out your maternity policy.

I really do think it's a bit of a myth that babies come with a load of expenses.
You can get reusable nappies off Vinted for very little, so you'll never have to buy nappies again.
I got my DD's cot for £7 off ebay, in perfect condition.
Lots of people sell pushchairs for about £20 still in full working order.
I got her changing table for free from someone giving it away... On Olio people give away huge bundles of clothes for free. The baby does not care how much everything cost.
Baby stuff loses value very quickly so you can get basically everything second hand for next to nothing or free.
I had to formula feed, and I would say even formula doesn't cost as much as people say. One big tin lasts about 3/4 weeks, so that's about £10 a month

Babies couldn't care less if you take them to a free Rhyme Time at the library or a free church playgroup, instead of expensive baby yoga or sing and sign classes...

If you're entitled to the 30 hours free childcare, you'll be able to still work.

Even at school, if you simply can't afford to send them on trips and pay for music lessons, they'll be fine. My husband's family couldn't afford any extras like this because they were always extremely poor, and he turned out to be very successful and a high achiever 🤷‍♂️

If you still have no money when they go to uni, they can get a part time job.

You really don't have to be wealthy to have children.

I have my suspicions that these ridiculous estimates of how much children cost have some anti-child agenda behind them. It's not in the interests of corporations and government for women to have children. But anyway.

@MudSandWater is very right, they do not have to cost thousands.
You have to be mega organised and get everything you can as cheap as possible.
However what doesn't help is if your employer doesn't offer an enhanced maternity package, like mine, I'm only doing 6 months maternity leave because I'm on SMP right now and taking home £740 a month. To be fair we are coping but that's only because my DH takes home 2.7k a month and our mortgage isn't particularly high.

OP I think you would regret not having a baby if you and your partner both want one, and remember it takes 9 months to actually have the baby so you have plenty of time to plan!

How important is having kids to you both? If the answer is very, the right time is now.

The squeeze will be the first 3 years due to childcare costs, less depending on your work maternity package and how long you can manage to stay off on mat leave. Starting a family doesn’t mean putting your career on hold, and neither does going part time. Over a period of 5 years I had two kids, went part time between them and was promoted twice. That might not be possible for everyone and yes, things may move a bit more slowly but careers are long and fertility windows aren’t. If you can’t afford to pay off the debt once you’ve got childcare costs to contend with you may be able to negotiate a better plan and also check out whether you could be eligible for benefits.

Once you’ve passed your driving test and paid off your credit card, you’ll have £440 a month available, not counting the £400ish that is currently “extra” but often spent. And you’re putting money in to emergency savings regularly.

Honestly, put like that, I think you will soon be in a better position than many expectant parents are. Do what you can now to increase both your earnings - are you CIPD qualified and if not can you lean on your work to fund it? That’ll make moving on and up much easier.

Make yourselves an 18 month plan to be debt free and a step on in each of your careers. By that time you’ll be 32, plenty of time to TTC.

What bank are you with? Nationwide Flex account costs £13 a month and you get free AA with that and discount on their house insurance plus other benefits such as travel insurance. They were offering £150 if you changed your main current account to them. They also have some reasonably high interest savings accounts, though monthly deposits are capped. Might be better to put money in one for 18 months and then have a lump sum to pay off credit card. Cancel netflix etc and swop every month to one of the other streaming services. You quite often get a free month. But remember to cancel. Or find a cheaper one.

I think you're right to be thinking this through. You're 31, not 39, your fertility isn't going to drop off a cliff in the next few years. Over 35 it starts to decline more rapidly.

Our childcare costs £1000 per month even with use of the tax free childcare scheme. We buy majority of stuff second hand but there are still bits like nappies etc and general consumables which probably cost £100-150 per month. Even getting everything second hand I'd still say we spent about £400 before she arrived as we bought car seat and Moses basket new (advised from a safety perspective) and some of the second hand stuff had a small cost which adds up.

As per others I'd clear your debt before you start TTC. Only being able to pay off £1-200 per month isn't great and even once the debt is cleared will nowhere near cover the cost of a child? Can you cut back anywhere else to pay it off more quickly and start living at lower cost? Get rid of all memberships, subscriptions etc, shop at discount food shops eg lidl and buy anything for yourselves second hand. Avoid any finance deals for cars etc and if you have expensive ones consider swapping for cheaper models. Cut back on socialising and maximise use of free activities. We have stripped our finances down to the bare bones to get by with childcare costs, it is crucifying frankly and like having a second mortgage. Look at the cost local to you so you know roughly what it will be when you want to return to work. Bear in mind depending on your maternity leave package you will also need to save money to cover you during that time as well. Wishing you well.

Thanks so much for everyone being so helpful!
@TryAgainWithFeeling work said they will fund my CIPD yes they mentioned it when I was doing my induction but it hasn't been mentioned since, I am going to bring it up with them but I'm assuming they won't do it until I've passed my probation.

I won't qualify for maternity pay until I have been there 12 months so we won't be able to TTC until then anyway. I can't remember the exact maternity policy but I think it was good because I checked as soon as I got the job. I'm going to have another read of it tomorrow

You don’t seem to be in a bad position OP. You’ll free up a good amount of money when you pass your driving test. Could you ask for your Netflix or Amazon subscription for the next 6 or 12 months as a Christmas gift from anyone if you don’t want to give that up? I agree with putting money into a savings account (with interest) or bonds then paying off the CC in lumps.

You will never have enough money. I was a student when I had my first and in full time work with my second. I honestly didn’t feel better off with more money it will always be a bit of a struggle. You’ll always feel like you should wait for more money but then you might not have children if you do that. Pay off your debt and then TTC in my opinion. You’ll find a way to make it work.

Right now, you can’t afford it. No point in saying what will be will be. You and your DH need to work your socks off for 18months and see where you are then. Could you ask parents to pay for his training?
Talk to your employers about career progression. Sign up for any free training that’s going.

Definitely ask them about the CIPD, remember you get a package from an employer not just pay - training should be part of that! You could always ask to sign up for a course which will begin after you complete probation. Frame it as you wanting to show how committed you are to them and to doing your job well.

Im glad you sound a bit more positive in your most recent post. Seems to me you both need to commit to a plan rather than letting things drift, but you’re definitely not in a bad position at all.

There's never a right time - sure, there can be "better" times, but so long as the child is wanted, loved and has food and a roof it's not a "bad" time.

For example, I found out I was pregnant whilst at university age 20. I had no house, no income and was hundreds of miles from my family. However, my DS is now 5 and the most magical human. He's not once been without a roof (admittedly this was at times hard to ensure), and I made sure he was always fed, watered and cleaned with clean clothes and a clean bed. He's also excelling at school and has so many lovely friends.

Most importantly, he's never for a second lacked love and it sounds to me like your child would never lack it either 🙂 If you've got anything about you, you "just do it". It's sometimes a case of sink or swim, but if a baby is something you want... go and make one! You'll regret it if you don't.

Am I understanding this? Your cat is the reason you're in credit card debt and a dog and cat are still costing you, what,£140 a month if you include insurance and food, which is contributing to your current inability to afford TTC?

I say this as a pet owner and I love mine but I'm not sure how I'd ever get over it if having a couple of pets cost me the chance to have a child (hopefully won't happen in your case). Not saying you should abandon an animal at this stage but it seems a lot more of an expensive responsibility to commit to early in your working life than much else on your expenses list.

Sorry you're in this predicament, it must be very hard trying to do right by them in this circumstance. I do admire that.

Also remember if you qualify for maternity pay after working 12 months for a company you can realistically start ttc 4-5 months into the job (allowing for instant pregnancy and a slightly early arrival, which are unlikely but not impossible).

Well yes I hear what you are saying but it's a bit of a bummer to say that the OP and her DH - both working people - can't really afford to have DCs when we all know that there are thousands and thousands of people in this country who churn out kid after kid without a second thought to finances, confident that the taxpayer will sort them out.

The most obvious answer is that the OP gives up work or goes PT they then probably would be eligible to some top up benefits via universal credit.

Yes they might have to live a shitty house for some years but them's the breaks. Been there, done that.

Babies are less expensive than you think as long as you step away from social media and don't buy all the crap and high end pushchairs etc that cost more than a car. Plus when you've got a baby you don't go out as much at all or drink, weekends away or do all the things you did as a childless couple so you save there.

The OP and her DH could set themselves a year plan to clear off debt before TTC. Get a second job, flip stuff on eBay or Vinted, whatever, just to make extra money so they have an extra cushion so to speak.