I feel like we will never be in a position to have a baby

[Thejewellershands]

I wasn't too sure where the most appropriate place to post this was. Hope it's ok here.

Me and my partner have been together for 6 years. We have lived together for 4 years and just bought a house in the summer. We really want to be parents but it has never been the right time, however now that I have just turned 31 and the "right time" is still nowhere in sight I'm starting to worry a little bit.

The main issue is money and career. I never spent my 20s establishing my career, I never knew what I wanted to do and spent time going from one job to another trying to find somewhere I was happy. I have now started a career that I love, however I have had to start from the very bottom and plan to work my way up. Because of this, money isn't great.

We have 5k of debt on a credit card which is currently our number 1 priority to pay off. It's interest free for 2 years so we are putting as much money onto this as we can per month, however with our salaries we can only put £100-£200 a month on.

It's going to take us a while to pay this off, plus the house completely needs renovating and we are slowly doing this currently, however not getting very far as we don't have much money left over for it after bills and debt are paid. So it's also going to take us a long time for the house to be sorted and not the disgusting mess that it is.

On top of this, I am now really starting to enjoy working. I have always hated every job I've ever had but finally found something that I enjoy and want to do well at. I feel like I wouldn't now want to put this on hold to start a family as I am SO early in my career but already 31.

I know that the house doesn't need to be done before TTC, however we already have limited funds to do it up as it is, adding in the cost of a baby and childcare etc it would take years for us to do it up and it just isn't nice to live in as it is.

I feel like at this rate we will not be in a good position to start a family until I am in at least my mid 30s which I understand is not old, and people do it. But I worry about the decline in fertility and the added risks that come with age. Plus I have endometriosis that I've already had a few surgeries for so I have no idea how long it would take us.

I feel like I have entered my 30s how I should've entered my 20s. I feel behind at life and now I'm at the stage to start a family but only just have a house and career and income isn't going to improve any time soon until I start to move up. What can I do? Am I worrying for nothing? Sone advice for people who have experience would be great.

It'll never be a perfect time, you will make it work. You won't regret having a baby but you might regret waiting

If you both really want children, I would stop using birth control and let the chips fall where they may. Given your medical history, I would not wait.

Things have a way of working themselves out.

Agree with PP that said that if the house is safe it's fine.

More important to check your maternity policy at work and how long you need to have worked at the company to qualify for enhanced mat pay. Look at how much enhanced pay you will be entitled to, 6 or 9 months full pay, or 6 months full pay with 3 months smp is a better pill to swallow than smp for the whole maternity leave.

Do you want a well decorated house or a baby? Surely you can live with an old fashioned house if it means you have a child?

It's not compulsory to have children, just because it's the "done thing". And anyway even if you do, you've got another 4-5 ish years before you need to worry. Remember babies are expensive, and even if you've got the basic needs covered, there are always extras - school trips, gadgets, X-boxes. You'll want to make sure your DC have got everything the other kids have got!

I always wanted to buy a house before having a baby but we tried and tried and nothing happened (also have endometriosis) so my husband got made redundant and we travelled and moved to London. I got pregnant and found out just after I quit my job to go to college. Then I had to trudge round London temping for several months until I signed on (was really ashamed) and then claimed MA. Would I have planned that? No and I still am renting 😒 but that was my one chance to have a baby and I don't know why it happened then but it did and it was fine. Not perfect money wise but I felt so lucky.

I’m surprised people are suggesting stopping contraception and seeing what happens. The ‘doer upper’ house wouldn’t bother me at all-as long as it’s safe-but deliberately getting pregnant having hardly any money left currently after bills/debts really would. I’d definitely spend a few years working as much as possible, getting the debt paid off and actually asking grandparents what ‘helping out’ actually means. I would start pricing up local nurseries as well.

I know that I have been speaking about the house but in my original post I mentioned that the main reasons for us are money and my career. I only mentioned the house because it's just an added expense that we are dealing with currently. I agree with everyone that the house doesn't need to be done and perfect. It was just an added worry but not the main priority.

I would never just come off contraception and see what happens because what if I conceive fairly soon? We don't have enough money to cover childcare so I'd have to quit work or go part time. But without my full time wage our bills won't get paid. So we can't. We literally can't do it... Thats why the title of my post is saying I don't think we will ever be in a position to have a baby because I just don't know when finances will improve. We will have to completely stop doing the house (fine), pay the debt off, and then only start TTC once I have a better job and al on more money. But I have no idea how long they is going to take. And I feel like time won't be on my side with my endometriosis. But then again I do know people who conceived easily while having endo. You just never know do you which is what's so stressful.

I do appreciate that no one can tell me what to do or figure this out for me. I just wondered if there was any advice, so thanks for everyone's opinions ☺️

I know a lot of couples who have struggled to conceive/are struggling to conceive. All of them wish they'd started trying sooner.

I would never just come off contraception and see what happens because what if I conceive fairly soon? We don't have enough money to cover childcare so I'd have to quit work or go part time. But without my full time wage our bills won't get paid. So we can't.

That’s really sensible. It’s al very well people saying their friends struggled to conceive and wish they’d started earlier but if you literally can’t afford to have a baby or you’ll lose your house, it’s just not possible now.

Is there scope for you to earn more working evenings/weekends for a year or two?

Whats your career trajectory looking like now? And DH’s? Would there be pay rises coming in a few years?

How big is your mortgage? Is it fixed for a certain number of years?

Agree with @Overthebow. I skim read the last half of your post because I just thought, oh stop nit picking and just get on with trying. You will manage!! People do up houses with preexisting children. You don't know how long it will take to conceive.

I waited until the perfect time. I travelled the world. I finished my PhD. I got a job that I love. I got engaged and moved out of our rented studio flat and bought a house. We decorated and furnished every room and built our savings back up. My job was uncertain for a while so we waited for that to be sorted. We were going get married but got nervous about my age (34 at the time) so started TTC. And guess what happened? Nothing. 2 years later we still dealing with infertility and I'm the wrong side of 35, waiting for IVF. If someone said to me I could have a baby but the cost would be moving back into a rental, handing back my PhD and deleting my holiday memories then I would take the deal.

@Shinyandnew1 our mortgage is £820 a month and is fixed until 2025. After I have been in this role for a year I am going to look at moving up and speak to my manager about it. However, it would depend on when new job opportunities come up. I have gone into a HR role and have had to start at the bottom as a HR Administrator. HR advisors are on between 30-32k where I live but I'm not sure how many steps it would take for me to get there and how long. But even if I went up to HR Assistant and earned an extra couple of thousand a year even that would help.

My partner is a tradesman, he would like to move up to be a site manager but to do that he needs to pay for a qualification which is £500. We keep meaning to save for it but then the debt is taking priority at the moment.

Looked at in isolation, it never looks like a good time, so switch to thinking realistically about when you could take a year out of work with least impact - it's often in the more junior roles. Your parents and childcare capacity is also going to decrease over time as they get older.

Can you have maternity relief/holiday on your mortgage repayments? I'd also prioritise DH getting the qualifications for a promotion as soon as possible as that will increase the money coming in and pay for itself.

Over this year I'd save, get him qualified and try to rope people (like your parents) into helping with the diy a bit. If DH has a trade, he can maybe help someone out for floor sanding in return, for example. The diy is a non issue on the baby front though.

It sounds like IVF is something you'd really struggle to afford, so do what you can to avoid needing it (not waiting too long).

I wouldn't delay. It took my friend 4 years to conceive her first (yet only a couple of months to conceive her second) so you have no idea how it's going to go and can't plan it to perfection. Ttc asap.

I had my first at 28 (planned). We got married when ds was a toddler and got our garden renovated after he was born too. No point hanging around until that was done first imo. Health and fertility can be fragile and unpredictable so if you want a baby I say go for it.

You are in your 30s with endometriosis. You may well need help to conceive. If you really want a child, you have very little time to ttc, get referrals etc. You need to prioritise or you could be like a PP, everything sorted, but no baby. Sorry to be blunt, but that's the reality.

How quickly would the £500 result in higher income for your partner? It might be worth doing some sums and paying a little less off the debt for 3 or 4 months to get the extra qualification or even add it to the 0% credit card if there is room. I know debt isn't good and you are trying to get debt free but if this qualification would result in more money coming in over the course of the 2 year that you have the 0% card it might be better to spend a bit now to allow you to pay the debt off quicker.

I would do a back of the envelope calculation on how much your partner would earn over the next 12 months with and without the bit of paper and if that is more or less than the cost of getting it.

I'm going to have a chat with DP tonight and come up with a plan. I'm feeling even more worried and stressed than before now

Don't panic OP! You have got a lot going for you right now. You own your own home. You both have jobs. Ok money is tight but there are options down the line to bring more money in. It will be doable but it might mean being more on the ball in optimising life in the short term. Be brave and best of luck!

Can you tell us your joint income after tax and what your outgoings are? If you break everything down you may find there are areas where you could save. Sometimes it needs a different perspective and people on here may be able to look at your spending and come up with some ideas. I feel for you as it’s an impossible situation not knowing how easily you can fall pregnant until you start trying!

Given your (and dp) income, have you run your incomes and potential childcare costs through a Entitled.to type site? It will then likely give you not only child benefit but also a sum towards your childcare bill too.

I ran ours through a little while back (pregnancy scare), and on two salaries (24k and 34k) and £800pcm childcare (term time only) we would get £560 in universal credit towards it.

You can also do salary sacrifice on the (what would be in our case) remaining £140pcm to save 20% vat on that too.

@Captainobvious35

Mortgage £820
Car insurance £80
DPs phone £60
AA £15
Dog insurance £80 (this is high because she is elderly. She lives with my mum but I've always paid her insurance because my mum can't afford it and I won't have my pets without insurance). As heartbreaking as it is to say, this fee won't be forever as she is already old 💔
Cat insurance for both £50
My phone £20
Internet £25
Water £30
Council tax £140
Home insurance £12
Life insurance and income protection for both of us £100
Gas and electric £150
Spotify £10
Amazon prime and netflix about £18 I think
Driving lessons £240
Food £400 (roughly. And including toiletries and cat litter and cat food)
Travel to and from work £80
Savings £80-100 for emergencies
Petrol (not sure as I don't drive the car but this isn't a lot because he drives a work van through the week and hardly used the car. I will be using the car when I pass my driving test
Credit card £200

So then we are left with just over £100 a week to spend on whatever. About £120 or something. So we might have a meal or a takeaway or DP will go out with his friends and then we might buy something small for the house. Or we might need to pay for a hair cut and a new pair of shoes or something. If we do happen to have anything left over from this it goes on the credit card. We have only been paying the CC for 3 months so we haven't managed to get much down yet

You’re trying to pay off a debt-I would get rid of Spotify/Netflix/Amazon if possible-that’s another £30 towards the debt.

You are only 31. The assisted fertility for profit industry has brainwashed people that they need its services at a young age.

You actually have plenty of time. Take a few years to establish yourself and be debt-free.

@Shinyandnew1 I know that this sounds stupid of me to say but we wouldn't have anything to do in the evenings lol. We don't have sky or some kind of box. We only watch Netflix and Amazon, without those we won't be able to watch TV. I get that you have to take sacrifices but it's only £18 and without it we'd be bored. I'd have to just sit watching tiktoks or something haha. I do read a lot but DP doesn't and I honestly don't know what he'd do at night