Is parenting what you thought it would be?

[Tired890]

I always wanted to be a Mum and I love my son to death but my God is it hard. He had colic and a milk allergy as a baby so I never experienced the “newborn bubble” that people talk about as he cried all the time. He’s 1.5 now and adorable, loving, funny but I still find it challenging. He’s incredibly active, an incredibly picky eater which I find very stressful and he needs constant stimulation and entertainment (as I’m sure most kids do, am not saying this is abnormal), but I find it such a slog. I feel like I keep waiting for it to get easier but the challenges just get different.

Do you enjoy parenting as much as you thought you would?

It's much, much harder than I thought it would be.

Relentless and all consuming in a way I didn't fully expect.

I can handle all the daily tasks - I can get them up and washed and dressed and teeth brushed and fed and suncream, sun hat / hat/scarves/gloves on them.

What I can't handle is fighting them every step of the way to do all that. It kills me. The asking. The asking again. The reasoning. The bargaining. The threatening. The forcing jackets on them because they won't put them on themselves. Then calming them down because they are now crying about it. Then taking the jacket off because that's the only way they'll calm down. Letting them wear an alternative jacket because they just want to have that power....but standing there waiting, as they take their time choosing just to have that autonomy. Meanwhile the other one has tipped out a tub of kinetic sand all over the carpet, and you needed to have left for work 10 minutes ago.

I find it hard.

I adore my kids.

But it's an awful feeling putting yourself last, doing absolutely everything for these little people.....and they pretty much screw you over at every turn. Sometimes they mean it, sometimes they don't, but the net result is the same. They've screwed you over, they've made things 100 times more difficult than they needed to be. If it was anybody else in your life you'd go "I'm done with this, I don't need this shit in my life"....but it's your kids. You can't. So you just get on with it.

I just find modern life hard. Working and raising kids is very hard (although being a SAHM looks so hard as well).

Feel like I'm on a hamster wheel. The bone crushing tiredness all the time, the sleep deprivation, the lack of freedom (we have no family support and difficult to get reliable babysitters around here).

Simple things stress me out. Like today, spent all day with them, taking them out for fresh air and exercise, took them swimming, played games with them at home. Run ragged. Finally sat on the couch to eat a sandwich (first thing I'd had to eat all day) and one of them jumped on me from behind, sent my sandwich flying and really hurt my back.

So yeah, I find it hard.

They make me laugh everyday and I love them more than I ever thought possible.....but it is so, so much harder than I ever thought possible.

4 kids and just here to tell you the first few years are relentless but like another poster I thought I’d hate hate being a parent so I was kind of in awe at how much I loved them. My 4 guys are my dudes (youngest 7, oldest 15) and all ages have had their issues but you will get to an age where life is soooo much easier and you look at people with toddlers and can’t believe how wrecked you were.

tuttifuckinfruity

great post, so so true, hamster wheel here but couldn’t live with out them, we discuss every thing and at least once a day I say ‘if you just did it and I didn’t have to ask you it would only be two minutes but I’ve spent x amount of time trying to get this done!’ but I also laugh every day and do that warm, I’m so glad they’re mine, smile !

The hard bits are exactly as I imagined them to be, so no surprises there.

I have been completely surprised by the joy, laughter and happiness my child has brought to my life.

I'm enjoying being a parent far more than I thought I would and would love another child. The newborn and baby were great and I am now having fun with a toddler.

All the stuff about "losing" one's identity is bollocks too. Being a mother has added to my identity - it hasn't taken anything away.

Perhaps what helps is that I have a husband who definitely does his fair share of childcare and that I have kept my career at the same time.

The house is a mess though - that's the only real negative.

I love being a mum, but it was harder than I expected while they were under 3. Ever since my youngest turned 3yo it's been fab. I have three teens now and they are awesome.

My first two I had in my early twenties, had a lot of family support and they were pretty easy kids. I genuinely think no Google helped too, you didn't worry as much. I honestly didn't find it hard at all. I also childminded for ten years while they were little so would regularly have another 4 or five kids. I loved it!

When I had my third I was in my late thirties, I struggled with illnesses/migraines all through the pregnancy and once he was born he was so hard he rarely slept. He had silent reflux, developed milk, soya and nut allergies and has asd and global developmental delays. It's so hard , that combined with no extended family support, caring for elderly parents has meant that I have struggled massively.

Every individual experience of parenting is different based on your age/health, support network and the child themselves. One thing I have found was age 4-11 is the easiest stage.

Honestly yes and no. Everyone says you get no sleep but we co sleep after his first wake (following safe sleep 7) and he’s exclusively breastfed. I get less sleep than I did before kids but not to the point of sleep deprivation.
I didn’t expect that I would spend the large majority of my day trying to get him to nap in them first few months. I didn’t resent it though as hard as it was, I just felt so sorry for him that it was so hard for him to drift off to sleep. We still do all contact naps now at nearly 6 months.
I guess I don’t resent motherhood because I always take the path of least resistance even if it’s not popular. Would never expect to be a exclusively breastfeeding, all naps contact naps, co sleeping & purée mum. But here I am, I absolutely adore him and I’m sure it’s what I was made for. 🥹

With that said, the hard days are hard since my husband and I live abroad without our families we have 0 help. But many things worth having are hard. It’s often perspective that can change how you feel about a thing.

I don’t enjoy the baby or toddler faze. Absolutely love being the parent of primary aged children. Way more fun! We visit interesting places, play adult board games, watch Disney movies and cuddles, have deep chats about what they are thinking & feeling. So much fun. Don’t despair if you love your baby/toddler but find parenting them drudgery and boring.

That’s not all luck, some is. But fussy eating IMO is often caused by choices offered. My nephew will only eat chocolate chip brioche for breakfast… my kids don’t because they’ve never been offered chocolate chip
brioche for breakfast. Catch my drift? I think
people underestimate how children are weaned etc and the impact that has on being “fussy”.

disclaimer - I know some children will be ND or have genuine sensory issues surrounding food.

That’s bollocks. I have a very non fussy eater despite grandparents and DHpractically forcing ice cream, Haribo and chocolate down his throat.

Choices, you raise a good point. The amount of parents who ask their children what they want and then because it’s not what the parent wants then are trying to make them ‘choose’ what they want. Unless you’re going to get it don’t ask them in the cereal aisle what do you want for breakfast because they’re going to pick the most colourful, sugar laden cereal there. When we used to go shopping for school shoes and when the assistant brought half a dozen pairs out if there was a pair that I didn’t want my children to have i wouldn’t even let them try them on because I didn’t want to end up with them asking for the pair that were unsuitable. Only give them a choice if you are going to be happy whichever they choose, don’t offer them something that you don’t want them to have whether it’s cereal or shoes because nine times out of ten they’ll pick it.

It’s a good idea to only offer choices you’re happy with but I do think MN forget that some children will just reject healthy or appropriate choices anyway!

Mine eats most things but I still have to feed him. Otherwise he doesn’t eat.

I think I was oblivious to how once you have children you can never switch off- you are always hyper aware and conscious of the day, the surrounds, the plans, the safety, the next thing- it’s mentally exhausting!

Agree about choices. I started giving DD choices thinking I was being kind but it was a disaster. Half the time she couldn’t decide and I would get frustrated if we were in a rush. When she could decide she would often then change her mind and become upset and tantrum. Or she would ask for something that wasn’t in the choices given. I just stopped and now I decide what she eats/wears/does. She can choose things like her birthday presents but I keep choices to a minimum now and there’s less tantrums.

Do you enjoy parenting as much as you thought you would?

I honestly didn't know if I'd enjoy it or not, it was a complete leap of faith. Maybe it's because I had no expectations but I do absolutely love it. My son is 2 now and I just love this toddler stage.

There have definitely been hard times, particularly the 4 month sleep regression which almost broke me at the time. Really any time he hasn't slept has been hard on me and we've had a lot of ups and downs there but now that he's older he sleeps a lot.

It's easier than I imagined and I'm loving it but my baby is very young so I imagine tougher times lie ahead!

It was all the organisation it took when you leave the house to go anywhere. Not having a Sunday lie in for years . The amount of laundry , washing machine-on up to twice a day . But it went so fast and before we knew it we had two adults . It's been a happy blur . I think you remember the good bits more when you look back .

I was on the fence and have found it really hard tbh. Love my Dd to bits though, she’s spectacular but I am so tired. It’s being on call 24/7 that kills me. For me 4 is a bit of a turning point and making sure theres lots of opportunity for exercise, kids need a lot of exercise to be happy I think.

I actually weaned DD on a wide range of foods, she was happily eating salmon and broccoli at 1 and then a few months later she refused to eat anything but fruit pasta and cheese and this went on for almost 2 years despite my best efforts.

So do my kids grandparents but they know they aren’t options at home everyday, so they don’t ask.

This is so true. My DH works away and never gives the kids wellbeing much thought - because I deal with it. But I am always organising and managing them even on the odd occasion I’m away!

Fruit, pasta and cheese isn’t actually that bad. Ok so it’s not ideal but there’s far worse choices.

Sorry I’m derailing!

This

I've really loved it but I thought I would.

DH didn't really have an idea about what it would be like and got a shock! I think he hadn't realised how all encompassing it would be.

I thought all toddlers were picky eaters tbh! I wouldn't take it personally just try and make sure they get some protein and fruit (veg in an ideal world).

People who think their children eat well because they perfectly weaned them are as annoying as people who think their babies sleep well because of their great parenting! Or people who are smug about breastfeeding/ natural births. Basically parenting would be easier without the gurus and the guilt trips!

This is so true, it’s like the Michael McIntyre sketch about leaving the house. The two of us went away without the children for the first time in years and it was a simple are you ready? Yes and out we went. I’m sure I’ve erased the more difficult bits. I’m sure there must have been at least one sleepless night with the children but I have no recollection of any.

I never had a baby. Not really.
Struggled after the birth. I labourer through the night and had a quick birth in the morning. It felt for ages that I went to bed and woke up with a baby.
At 3 weeks she started with fairly severe reflux, multiple food allergies and I started with severe depression and psychosis. I was prepared for potential reflux my sister had severe reflux and Falter growths. I was unprepared for allergies and they were diagnosed until 4 and a half months. I was prepared for pnd. I wasn't prepared for severe depression and pyschosis. I certainly wasn't prepared for it to be treatment resistant and all the therapeutic support that had previously worked not working.
I went into a haze just after 3 weeks and woke up some time around a year when I now had an older baby/young toddler.