Kids dad to have them for a week after almost no contact for 5 months?!

[Lafoosa]

Looking for a bit of advice with breastfeeding and just generally coping with the week away.
My kids 5,3 and 19 months are staying with their dad for a week this Saturday.
They've never spent more than 24 hours with him before and they've only seen him for one day in the last 5 months so I'm incredibly nervous about the whole thing. Not just on his it'll affect them (my 3yo completely regressed with the toilet after she last saw him and has severe separation anxiety with me). But also I'm still breastfeeding my 19mo, and I've never managed to get a pump to work. Will she forget how to latch being away for so long? She's definitely not ready to stop BF yet, she asks for it regularly.
I was never away from my other two at all so I've got no experience with it.
Is it the right thing to do for my 5 and 3yo? They do ask to see him but both were badly affected by it last time as he just doesn't make regular effort. And will my 19mo be okay without milk for that long? I'm very worried that she doesn't really have much attachment to her dad too so it might feel to her like the equivalent to leaving her with my sister for a week (who we normally only see twice a year) although she actually knows my sister better because she calls them and he doesn't.
I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, but also like I can't say no because then it'll look like I'm the reason he doesn't make an effort. And God forbid it ever goes to court I don't want to give him any ammunition. But I don't want to do the wrong thing by the kids for a what if court scenario either.

Christ no. A week after 5 months of no contact isn't okay.

You're 19month will be fine, because at this point she can have dairy milk from a cup or bottle.

But it will be distressing for all the children.

You need to build up to a week.

I can't see how either you or their father could think (or claim in court) that this is in the best interests of the children.

Is he close enough that he could see them daily for a week, but bring them home overnight? Presumably the five year old needs to go to school?

@JustFrustrated What do I say to him? He lives 3 hours from us and doesn't drive and isn't willing to get the train because I drive 😒

Should I start preparing for the possible threat of court if I say they aren't going? I've got lots of messages where I initially offered him 50/50, then one week out of every month after he said no to that, which he also said no to. The whole thing is really stressing me out because they want to see him, but it clearly doesn't do them any good when there's no consistency. I wish he'd either just step up and be a real parent or completely go away so they aren't left confused all the time.
I grew up with a parent who didn't bother or care and I hate the thought of that for my kids, but this inconsistency is almost worse than absence.

sweet jesus op

WTF were you thinking agreeing to this?

No fupping way would he get them for a week. He's a bloody stranger. They have more of a relationship with the school lollipop lady!
Of course it will be traumatising. I would not let them go and if he wants them for a week let him go to court. I can't see a judge letting him have them for 1 night after 5 months of no contact.
Think of how you would feel if someone told you as an adult you had to go and play happy families with a stranger for a week. Now think of how your child will feel, a baby being taken from their safe space, and taken by a stranger. Don't allow it.

This is going to be a shit show of ot goes ahead and all three will return home traumatised

Does he have experience of looking after 3 small children for a week by himself?

This is NOT in the best interests of the children. Do NOT allow them to go.

Good grief, stop putting the feelings of a strange man (which he effectively is) over the feelings and needs of young children.

The youngest won't even know who he is. It's doubtful whether the 3 yo will remember him if not seen them for 5 months.

They cannot just be sent to stay with a complete stranger for a week regardless of whether he knows how to look after them!

Those kids will not trust you again for a very very long time if you do this to him.
He's abandoned his kids for 5 months, that is all a judge would see. He doesn't have any ammunition.
Tell him to go to court to agree a structured access arrangement. He probably won't and if he does that will take a long time to sort.
Tell him you are happy to meet him mid way for 2 hours each Saturday to build up the relationship but that is all you are willing to do at this point. I'd expect he won't stick to that arrangement. Again if went to court you have been willing in a reasonable approach that was in the children's best interest.

Would having him to stay in their home be an option?? At least they would have the familiarity of home and toys and he would also have the support of their familiar toys, etc. It might be easier for all involved

i knew they’d be a back story

OP according to your other thread - it was you that told him it had to be a week or nothing. And he initially said that wasn’t going to be possible.

No way would they be going 1 day in 5 months, then a week. No fucking way.

YOU drive, he doesn't so he needs to get the train. If he wants to travel by car he needs to get lessons & a car.

He could come near you, stay in a B&B & take the kids out every day.

let him take you to court, they're not going to change it to 50/50 or whatever.

but no, they're far too young to be staying with him for a week. They don't know him!

Tell him you are happy to meet him mid way for 2 hours each Saturday

Would having him to stay in their home be an option??

Jesus christ. Why are you telling her to bend over backwards for a man who doesn't care. Why isn't he finding workable solutions instead of traumatising his own children. OP, tell him to go to court. You should not be running around after him, spending your money on petrol etc. You are entitled to a life of your own without pandering to him. Is he trying to do this as a form of control?

Absolutely not, you’ve no idea what state your children might be in when you see them again.

I suggest a mid point as the children have said they want to know him. The OP is conscious of the relationship. I'm sure she doesn't also want her children to resent her for blocking a relationship when they get older. She can always tell her children that she tried to support them building the relationship.

At least two of them won’t be able to wash, dress or use the toilet alone. How can you leave them to be assisted by a man they barely know?

ETS I do realise that if you leave them at nursery they’re being assisted by someone they barely know.

Complete madness don’t do this for everyone’s sake !

Oh OP, this isn't going to go well at all, and it will massively affect your children.
It's not too late to say no to this arrangement.
You need to say:

Hi (deadbeat dad who can't be arsed to see his children)
I've been thinking long and hard about the arrangement coming up, and upon further reflection it really isn't in the best interests of the children. They've not seen you for quite some time and they need to form a better relationship with you first before going for an extended stay.
I will make them available every Saturday (or Sunday) between the hours of X and X, and hopefully you can spend some quality time with them and build a great relationship. I want nothing more than for them to have two parents who can they depend on.
Please let me know when you would like to commence.
From OP.

Let him take you to court. He’s be laughed at.

well considering on the Op’s other thread she said that he should have them for the week and that his dad can do the childcare whilst he’s at work… I am guessing he probably has messages to prove that the OP is not as pure as the driven snow

Are you for real? No, you don't leave your very young children for a week. Court or mediation would be the best to work this out with the best interests of the children.

So the DCs Dad hasn't even taken the time off work!
No way would I be giving my DCs into the care of an unknown grandfather!!

Of course he could take you to court, but bear in mind that would require time and effort... which, so far, he has been most unwilling to expend.

They may well take into (some) account how it came about that you're living so far apart, though.

I was a child of divorce, I remember - 50+ years later - being a small child going off to see my Dad. And he was relatively normal, and I knew him. But still, he wasn't my Mum, and he wasn't that brilliant at looking after us - we'd be alive and fed and sheltered but he was also a bit clueless and inattentive.

Have a think - talk with sensible friends - what would be reasonable. Do you know any divorced Dad's with their heads screwed on who you could talk to as well?

Basically, you want to know the kids will be ok with him for the time they spend with him. And that does mean - aside from his childcare skills, which - that he and they have to be used to each other.

I just read the other thread, you insisted on this even though he said its not feasible! You need a proper mediator. The fact he agreed to the week despite his own reservations shows he probably does want to see his kids and would likely agree to something better then this situation.