Kids dad to have them for a week after almost no contact for 5 months?!

[Lafoosa]

Looking for a bit of advice with breastfeeding and just generally coping with the week away.
My kids 5,3 and 19 months are staying with their dad for a week this Saturday.
They've never spent more than 24 hours with him before and they've only seen him for one day in the last 5 months so I'm incredibly nervous about the whole thing. Not just on his it'll affect them (my 3yo completely regressed with the toilet after she last saw him and has severe separation anxiety with me). But also I'm still breastfeeding my 19mo, and I've never managed to get a pump to work. Will she forget how to latch being away for so long? She's definitely not ready to stop BF yet, she asks for it regularly.
I was never away from my other two at all so I've got no experience with it.
Is it the right thing to do for my 5 and 3yo? They do ask to see him but both were badly affected by it last time as he just doesn't make regular effort. And will my 19mo be okay without milk for that long? I'm very worried that she doesn't really have much attachment to her dad too so it might feel to her like the equivalent to leaving her with my sister for a week (who we normally only see twice a year) although she actually knows my sister better because she calls them and he doesn't.
I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, but also like I can't say no because then it'll look like I'm the reason he doesn't make an effort. And God forbid it ever goes to court I don't want to give him any ammunition. But I don't want to do the wrong thing by the kids for a what if court scenario either.

I’m massively pro relationship with Dad but hell no! Anything more than a morning / afternoon is too much based on the amount of time between contact.

im assuming it isn’t court ordered?

No, no, no. They probably don't remember him. He needs to come to see them for a few hours at a time and build up from there. Definitely no overnights yet.

@NameChange1019 no, nothing is court ordered.
There's no way he'd come down for an afternoon because it's 2-3 hours on the train and bus. He'd be unwilling to pay for that expense and travel for that amount of time.
Luckily I think if it went to court I've got text proof of multiple times I've tried to arrange for him to have them and he's refused. I offered him to have our kids on our middle child's birthday in Dec.
When we first split I offered him 50/50 then 25/75 when he refused that, which he also said no to.
I told him he can come down here on his days off and spend the day with the kids at my house and I'll go somewhere else, but he said he doesn't want to have to use all his days off to have the kids 😒

@NuffSaidSam he's 3 hours from here by car, and he doesn't drive and has no plans to learn. He moved back in with his dad instead of just getting a new place to live where he was before, which would've been more sustainable in him seeing the kids.

I home ed my kids so they're not in school, so that's not an issue.

I don't think this is what's best for them, but he will almost certainly tell the kids that I refused to let them see him and that's the reason he wasn't around which obviously isn't true and will make them resent me when they're older.
I've asked them what they want to do and they've said they want to see him, so for now I'll send them. But I'll be calling them daily to check in and if they want to be picked up at any point then I will.

@Dipsomaniax him staying in my house would definitely be an option if I had anywhere else to stay while he'd be here. But I can't afford a hotel for that long and the only family member who lives close is my sister and she's in student accommodation so I don't think she'd be allowed to have me. But I will ask to make sure.
The only issue with it would be that he's then using my food and not paying for it himself and not getting used to paying for anything for them himself.
I don't know if he'd be willing to travel down here either, but again I can suggest it.

if you home ed your children

why did you offer him 50/50?

I have family members in this position, but court ordered. The deal is that non-resident parent travels up, stays somewhere close for one night (NOT in the family home) and sees the kids for a couple of hours each day before travelling back. A fortnight later resident parent takes the kids to stay near non-resident (again not NRP's) home. So NRP again sees the kids for a few hours each day.

In practice this isn't as onerous as it sounds because NRP is utterly unreliable. They will do one visit, receive a reciprocal visit, then nothing for two years. If they don't travel up, they don't get a return visit. Frankly it is tough on the kids, but nowhere near as tough as sending them to a stranger's house for a week with no means of contacting you and unable to breastfeed.

If he can't travel to see his kids he shouldn't see his kids. Sorry, but their welfare should be your absolute priority.

I've asked them what they want to do and they've said they want to see him, so for now I'll send them.
You have asked a 5 and 3yr old, and based on this you are sending them over 3 hours away to someone they haven't seen in 5 months, in a strange house? Despite them regressing last time? I think you need a parenting course tbh because this is fucked up.

I don’t think this is in their best interests at all. If they asked to eat chocolate for tea would you say yes? You need to make the decisions here, not them. I’d change this now. He needs to travel to see them for an afternoon- a lot and regularly. Only when they’re used to bring with him should it be an overnight and then a weekend. You need to move more slowly.

Good Lord why on Earth have you agreed to this? It's a terrible idea. You're still breastfeeding, you've got 3 children who he hasn't seen for nearly half a year. Please don't do this to them. If he wants to resume contact, he can start court proceedings. I can't imagine any circumstances where I would agree to this!

I'd be really interested in seeing an update after this week with their father has taken place. How it impacts the kids? The emotional fall out etc.

I've read all the posts now. Your children are not old enough to be making this decision. You're worried they'll resent you when they're older, are you kidding me? How on Earth is your 19 month old supposed to cope without breast feeding for a week? He's not even taking time off work. Some bloke they don't know or have a relationship with is looking after them! Are you out of your mind???

No dont do this
Let him go to court, there is no court ordef you do not hqve to
Offer regular contact
You sending them to stay for a week is nuts
Did you move away?

My goodness OP I hope you aren’t doing this. A 3 year old and 5 year old can’t make a decision like this, they have no idea what they are agreeing too!

Just one question : are you fucking mental?

You can't do this. It's not what is best for your children and fears of what he might say to them, or unlikely future court outcomes shouldn't be making you make poor decisions like this.
Suggest a reasonable alternative plan and let him reject that.

Milk from a cup doesn't provide the comfort of breastfeeding, and she may not even like cows milk.So it may not necessarily be that simple.

Do not do this. Offer him to come see them for a few hours in their area. If he says no then say well the offer is there when you want it. You don’t say take kids for a week who barely know him.

Agreed.....please scrub up on your knowledge of attachment....shocked how you are even considering this being OK tbh.Are you desperately seeking respite or something!?

Pretty much this.

You've agreed to this, that's disturbing enough.

Then I read the following
I home ed my kids so they're not in school, so that's not an issue.

And think Jesus those kids are screwed because they have no third party agency looking out for them because they aren't on the radar.

There's no court. No social services. No teachers. No other adults looking out for them or for them to go to.

Just a mother who has lost the plot and agreed to this which is clearly not remotely in the kids best interests and hasn't got a decent reason as to why she agreed to this. And a feckless father.

These kids have no hope in this situation. They WILL end up seriously screwed up.

And yeah thinks a 5 and 3 year old have the mental maturity to say whether they want to see dad or no, because she lacks the mental maturity to be an adult and make this decision herself.

I get the impression she has 'issues' with authority and THAT'S what she's more afraid of - if the courts get involved or school is present, then she knows they will start asking questions about HER ability to parent.

This she'll agree to anything to stop social services getting involved.

OP get help because, this is extremely worrying and tbh, is more likely not less likely to end up with there being concerns raised about you rather than over the father seeing them.

Send the kids to school. It will give you mental space and you can get support from that. Or at least get signposted.

There are sooo many things wrong with all the things you've said.

He won't last 5 minutes looking after them, they'll be back with you within 48 hours - tops.

I'm especially looking forward to hearing how he manages with a breastfeeding baby😅

PLEASE keep us updated.,

Do not do this. Do not send your kids to this man. Nothing is court ordered and he is too far away to arrive at your door and demand anything. It would be senseless to send them.

Why the fuck would you do this to your kids?

Change your mind. I wouldn't offer an overnight close to home in those circumstances.