Kids dad to have them for a week after almost no contact for 5 months?!

[Lafoosa]

Looking for a bit of advice with breastfeeding and just generally coping with the week away.
My kids 5,3 and 19 months are staying with their dad for a week this Saturday.
They've never spent more than 24 hours with him before and they've only seen him for one day in the last 5 months so I'm incredibly nervous about the whole thing. Not just on his it'll affect them (my 3yo completely regressed with the toilet after she last saw him and has severe separation anxiety with me). But also I'm still breastfeeding my 19mo, and I've never managed to get a pump to work. Will she forget how to latch being away for so long? She's definitely not ready to stop BF yet, she asks for it regularly.
I was never away from my other two at all so I've got no experience with it.
Is it the right thing to do for my 5 and 3yo? They do ask to see him but both were badly affected by it last time as he just doesn't make regular effort. And will my 19mo be okay without milk for that long? I'm very worried that she doesn't really have much attachment to her dad too so it might feel to her like the equivalent to leaving her with my sister for a week (who we normally only see twice a year) although she actually knows my sister better because she calls them and he doesn't.
I feel like I'm doing the wrong thing, but also like I can't say no because then it'll look like I'm the reason he doesn't make an effort. And God forbid it ever goes to court I don't want to give him any ammunition. But I don't want to do the wrong thing by the kids for a what if court scenario either.

This. And OP hasn't addressed the claim that she said on another thread she was the one who offered the week and insisted her ex do it.

Why are you going ahead with this?

Id rather drive my children the 3 hours, wait whilst he sees them and then drive back than leave them for a week with someone who is basically a stranger (I wouldn’t actually let it get to this though but it’s a better solution than leaving them for a week).

He hasn’t seen them in 5 months! Your 3 year old will barely remember him and already has severe separation anxiety, imagine how upset she will be. Your 19 month old is breastfed, this is surely going to be distressing for them.

How can you think this is a good idea?

Poor kids.

From one of your previous posts it seems he has been abusive towards you. There is no way I would be leaving my kids with him for a week.

Just interested in how 50/50 will work with home ed

This is a crazy idea. As if he'll cope with three little children for a week!? A man who never sees his children?! He'll be begging to bring them back. Strange that you agreed to this, especially with the younger two kids. They will be bereft without you.

Contact needs to be gradually built back up, with children of this age 5 months is a lifetime, he will be a stranger to the younger two. Day contact for a few hours at a time, meet half way if you're feeling benevolent. Otherwise he needs to take you to court who will agree (probably through mediation) to a schedule in the interests of the kids...because dumping a breastfed 19 month old on stranger for a week most certainly isn't.

If it bothered me I would just say no to 5 days. 2 maybe?

I really hope that you haven't been persuaded to let them go for a whole week, especially after how it affected them last time.

Court isn't a threat, please don't think of it like that. In fact, I would well it to him as a good option for him. He can apply and get regular access which is what he wants, no?

Just make it plain during the proceedings that he moved away and you're unable to afford to drive them to his new location and back each time.

I'm assuming that you split for a good reason and that reason would mean that you don't want him in your house?

@SiouxsieSiouxStiletto

I really hope that you haven't been persuaded to let them go for a whole week, especially after how it affected them last time.
According to a previous thread the op is the one insisting on her ex taking them for a week.

You lost me when you said you couldn't get the breast pump to work 🙄

OP, that's madness. What are you thinking?.!?

Find an inexpensive local B&b or Airbnb room and tell him to book the weekend there. One night if that is all he can afford. He comes down, sees the dcs, goes home.

If he moans at the cost, you tell him 'tough', having children costs money as we all know. He moved away. He needs to deal with it.

A week with any parent , for kids away from their usual cater giver is hard let alone if other parent hasn't seen them for 5 mths

Need to start off with regular weekly contact so that the kids can get used to seeing other parent

Obv a week isn't going to happen /work under these circumstances

I haven't read your other thread but why would you say to him he had to do a week (according to other posts on this thread)

According to a previous thread the op is the one insisting on her ex taking them for a week

That a very vital piece of information that was missing from her posts on this thread. Thank you

I wouldn’t let a 19 month old stay over for even a single night with someone who they hadn’t seen for 5 months. It could be very traumatic for them.

This situation seems utterly chaotic.

You homeschool and breastfeed but offered 50/50 with your partner who is 3hrs away and have now demanded he keep 3 children, who don't know him and are used to being with you 100% of the time, for 5days ?? That sounds like madness and utterly unfair situation to put the children in.

I would imagine you're burnt out as you have you 3 young children 100% of the time. That must be really exhausting...but it doesn't make it right to leave them with an effective stranger for a week so he can see how much it costs and how hard it is.

The comment from a previous poster about breastfeeding not being a problem as they can have a cup of milk shows a total lack of understanding about breastfeeding. Your 19month old will be feeding for comfort/reassurance etc as well as milk. Being with a stranger in a new place and not having their main source of comfort will be really distressing for them.

Can you join them for the first day to settle your littlest one and make it 2-3days in total? If not then it sounds like it would be fairer too keep the youngest with you.

I know linking threads is not the thing on mn but I have searched and can't find that thread. (Can a link be put up on here or sent to me. Thanks)

I can't imagine any mum saying take them for a week under these circumstances 🥲

Found a@E one - Hope their arm is ok

You wrote he's a drunk and is violent all the time, is sexually attracted to teenage girls, is a shit father and you're inflicting him on your kids for a week. Hardly stellar parenting, is it?

WTF OP? Of course you can't do this to your kids, especially a breastfed infant. Jesus.

Not wishing to derail but to be fair, I bf both my DCs, one until 15 months, and I never managed to pump anything, ever. Just didn't work for me.

You're the one who told him he had to have them for the week!! So why are you making this thread, when this was your idea in the first place? Those poor kids.

A week with any parent , for kids away from their usual cater giver is hard let alone if other parent hasn't seen them for 5 mths

Completely agree! My 3 year old hasn't managed longer than 4 nights straight with his dad yet, and he has him EOW! To send your kids off for a week to a man that has practically zero contact with them is a disgrace.

No way would I allow this. In fact, at 19 months I wouldn't have been happy sending my baby away on a holiday with her dad for a week without me and she lives with him!

That baby will not understand that this is temporary and you're coming back, and she will be traumatised. When upset with you I imagine she nurses for comfort and so her main source of comfort will not be available to her all week. She will have no idea what is going on and will feel abandoned.

And the older two are not old enough to make informed decisions about whether they can cope with seeing dad for so long when they have no relationship with him. I know you said you'll get three if they want you, but is he likely to ring you if they're crying at bedtime for you? Or is he more likely to shut the bedroom door and leave them to cry? And even if he does ring you, you're three hours away and that's a long time to leave a young child in distress.

I would tell him that you're very happy he wants a relationship and you want to build up to sending them for a week but first you need to start small, with him coming to take them out for a few hours every couple of weeks, as this is what is in their best interests.

Jesus fucking Christ what have I just read! To hell with MN etiquette here. You really need to wake up and get proper help and support.

You are asking your potentially autistic 5 year old who has speech delay and comprehension issues about whether they want to see their father. When you even say yourself that when you talk to them about feelings, you think you are almost telling her what to say.

Wtaf.

You also say you are pretty burnt out about it all. The father isn't interested. He's abusive, has raped you and screamed repeatedly in your face.

When they speak to him on the phone they cry the entire time.

He moved three hours away and says you are being difficult because you won't drive to him. He lives with a number of other adults who don't work (hmmm genetics?)

This isn't ok. You lack proper understanding of child development and of autism. You are potentially putting your children at risk. There's no help coming from anywhere else.

And you are trying to home school.

1. Say no. This guy needs to sort his own shit out. That means he either moves back or learns to drive or he takes you to court. He's no help to your kids if he can't. And you can't pander to his bollocks because that comes at the expense of the kids. He needs to demonstrate willingness and putting in effort first at this point. Saying he misses them etc etc is irrelevant. He needs to get off his arse and do something about it then.

2. You need to get your eldest into a proper educational setting. You need to start demonstrating you are a functional adult too. You might be burnt out but the fact that you remotely thought this idea was ok or that you can look to your kids to decide whether to see their father says you are not. You are trying to abdicate responsibility and then blame that on others.

3. Getting into an educational setting or being taken to court should help you with signposting for support. It will also give you a break. Cos clearly one of the reasons you are even considering this is because of burn out. But in reality, all it will do is give you a whole pile more problems and make the situation worse. You do not have the skills to home educate. You are demonstrating this in asking your eldest things which are way beyond their development. How are you going to educate them so they can get a job or at least aim to live independently? Be honest, you can't manage that as you don't know how to handle this situation. Your child needs more people in their life who understand these issues and can help.

4. Stop trying to talk to your kids as if they are adults. You are using them as an emotional crutch. Stop trying to justify leaving your ex to them. They are way to young for that. Just normalise it being your family unit - as a complete thing rather than 'missing Daddy'. They don't know any different. Stop asking if they are sad. Just make things happy for them. Even if you aren't. Find appropriate emotional support for you from other adults.

@Lafoosa well, it’s now Saturday, have you sent your kids off to stay with a r@pist for a week?
Have you looked in to doing parenting classes, and therapy? Speak to your GP.