Newborn - when does the hell end?!

[jhlondon]

I have a 7 week old baby girl, turning 8 weeks on Saturday.
I prayed long and hard for her and had an easy pregnancy.
Was so excited for her arrival and now she's here I'm really struggling.
It's been a long brutal, horrific, exhausting 7 weeks.
I feel so depleted, motherhood isn't what I expected it to be!

I love her so much but also hate being around her and feel so guilty about that, I know she needs me and I wish I could give more to her.

This past week she's become so fussy and fights being put to sleep during the day and wants to contact nap, but I feel so restricted having her on me, night time she's ok can get 2-3 hours between each feed.
We combo feed which makes it slightly easier than when I was ebf.
When does this hell end? I'm so desperate 😔

One lifesaver for me;

If you don't want to co sleep (which I didn't), lie down for a nap in the day on your bed with baby. Take all the covers off the bed or just have a light blanket. Lay on your side. Give baby boob. Catch up on sleep.

I’m 4 months in with DC2 and struggling mainly from the lack of sleep. If I wasn’t so tired I think I’d be ok.

With DC1 it got easier at about 6 months when she started sleeping through the night. Then I’d say it keeps getting easier as they get older (gets harder in some ways but overall easier). She’s 4 now and I’d say she’s mostly easy to look after.

Also have a 4 month old with DC2!

It does get easier, then hard, then easier.

Please get the baby sling and wear DC. You will get so much done.

DC is also probably colicky??

Mines was the exact same and I could only describe it was utter hell also. So please don't think you're alone.

X

Exact same as us.

We're coming through the 4 month sleep regression. It's been exhausting!

I think you have post natal depression. Please see your GP. 💐

Please do not make a diagnoses like that.

Most new mothers feel exactly how she is feeling.

I've been there. It's a really big shock to the system and it's totally normal to look forward to naptime. In your shoes I would:

Consider talking to HV or GP about how you are feeling.

Drop the pumping as you're taking on a lot of additional work for not much benefit. Better that baby has a happy mum than a bit of breast milk.

Don't necessarily get hung up on routine, but do try to get a bit of fresh air everyday if you can. It really helps baby establish their body clock and is good for you too.

Consider going to a mums and tots group and meeting some other mums. There's usually mums of toddlers there who will happily hold or watch your baby while you go to the loo and get a cuppa (I'm always the one offering because I love getting my hands on a baby )

Talk to your partner about how you are feeling.

This is great advice OP. Far better than losing your cool and shouting at the baby.

@jhlondon It does get better and easier and you will get more than 2-3 hrs sleep eventually. Hang in there. I remember how brutal the newborn stage was and being utterly exhausted (more than I ever have in my entire life).

Here’s some tips that helped me, I hope some of them help you.

At first I bought a fabric sling but it was uncomfortable for me. So, I bought a BabyBjorn carrier. I felt that it supported my baby well and was easier to put her in it. Also, it was so much more physically comfortable for me. And I could feel a bit of freedom to do stuff while she had her contact naps. (I am in Australia so not sure if this particular brand is available in the UK). It was a total game changer for me. It was amazing the difference it made to be able to carry her and have my arms free.

She breastfed a lot. I got myself set up and comfortable with snacks and water and binge watched my favourite shows that made me feel good.

I made sure that I got out of the house, went to a cafe or something that helped me relax.

I cut down on housework as much as I could. You have to give yourself a break. It’s ok to lower your usual standards a bit. You’re in survival mode now.

My dd’s dad is a shift worker and I get how hard it is for both of you. But you need sleep too and you are both parents and a team. While he has some time at home get him to look after the baby and get some sleep. I would lie in the bed and breastfeed on my side and get dp to watch to make sure I didn’t roll on her and then he would take her when she came off the boob and let me sleep. Bonding time for dad and baby. Sleep time for mum.

I bought the wonder weeks book and it really helped me to know this newborn behaviour was normal and so were my feelings. It has some very honest quotes from parents going through the newborn phase.

https://www.thewonderweeks.com/order-the-wonder-weeks-united-kingdom/

OP I found the first few weeks so hard! I've got three teenagers now which has its own challenges, but nothing has been as hard as those first few weeks with DC1 - such a shock to the system! It starts getting a bit easier around 12 weeks IME.

Hi OP. I can't make any promises of course, but I found things started to get easier at about 10 weeks. A few longer sleeps make ALL the difference, and you will get there soon!

Some people find the newborn bit easy, but hand on heart, for me it has been the hardest part (so far!) and after exiting the sleepless, constant breastfeeding/pumping days, everything seemed sunnier.

Sleep deprivation is really rough, particularly when you don't know when you'll ever be able to sleep for 6 hours in a row... if there is any way you can get your partner to do a longer shift with the baby so you can get a little sleep... do!

I hesitated to ask my husband when he was working, and regret it a bit now. Even saying that 4am - 8am he's "on duty" a few times could make a huge difference, if you get a few chunks of sleep. It is possible to go to work and do a full day's work after a broken night (I know, I've done it quite a few times when DD has been teething!) if it's not all the time. So although you're partner is working (and I'm sure supporting you in loads of other ways), perhaps you can encourage him to give you a bit more of a break. It'll also be rewarding for him to help relieve you from feeling exhausted and miserable

I agree this is great advice. I did this too. Baby is safe in the cot even if they are crying. And I would have a nice cup of tea. Absolutely saved my sanity too.

Hi OP you’re not alone in not enjoying the newborn stage, it’s repetitive, boring and sleep deprivation is awful. Has your baby got reflux, mine did and she sounds similar. When you next have a your health care visit please tell them how you feel as it could just be baby blues or postnatal depression and you will not be judged for it. I was absolutely blindsided by it and so glad I got support xxx

I found ebf to be by far the easiest and things got better at around 12 weeks.
My godsend was an older pram with smooth larger wheels and we walked and walked all over the town. My babies loved to sleep like that. And shopping for food each day with pram was an outing.
I prioritised from 9 - 11 am for doing essential keeping the house running tasks like washing, preparing evening meal!
I didn't worry if they fussed during the day. Change, feed, purp, settle and leave. Repeat.

The rest of the day I tended to baby and slept when I could and I always did zero after tea and went to bed by 9 pm.
Training babies to always go to sleep on you or feeding to sleep can be troublesome.

The wakeful nights were the worst. Attend to them quickly, in the dim light .. and then again and so on .. and on. So tiring.

Do you have a mother's group nearby?

Hi OP,
Writing currently as a first time mum doing a night feed at 3am :-). I have also massively struggled and with previous history of anxiety and depression I was concerned about the start of PND, so do speak to your doctor if not just only for your peace of mind. I’m naturally a super organised person and the newborn chaos was really difficult for me. My little one has always slept reasonably well at night but refused daytime naps. He also didn’t smile until 12 weeks old which made it really difficult to ‘enjoy’ him.
It absolutely got better for us though at around 4 months… I’d always tried to follow a ‘routine’, that seemed to click for my little one around that time. He was preemie and was formula fed in hospital from the start so we moved him onto a colic milk which also seemed to settle him slightly. He also started smiling, babbling and mimicking us which was a joy and I now have such a strong bond with him, which wasn’t immediate. My nanny friend who saw how much we were struggling with sleep also informed me that the mimicking showed he was starting to “learn” so we could start sleep training. From what I’ve read, it isn’t for everyone, but I was at breaking point and needed to feel I was doing something and it sorted our sleep problems within 24 hours. I now don’t have to rock him to sleep, I just dim the lights, put his rain sounds on and put him in his sleeping bag and he falls asleep on his own in his bed. If he wakes up mid nap he goes back to sleep on his own.
There are a few methods, some which felt a bit extreme to us, but we sort of made our own rule when he did wake up early from a nap crying to make a cup of tea and take a deep breath before going in. He started falling back asleep before the tea was made. He’s now 5 months old and tonight broke a 5 night stint where he’s slept through. Yours is still so little but you’ll find your own groove. I found all of the “you’re doing great mama” from friends, family and health visitors really grating at the time, but in my short hindsight it’s what I really needed.
I’m totally expecting more lows but I feel more confident as a mum now and ready to face them when they come :-). Wishing you all the best and stay strong… it will get easier!

@CuriousMoe yes, this is what's called 'le pause' in the book 'French children don't throw food', which we found very helpful (though I strongly suspect many French children do in fact throw food lol)

Both mine went through a very fussy stage between 6-8 weeks. DD (now almost 4 months) nearly killed me! Even though it’s not my first rodeo I did feel a little down at the thought of endless days walking around with a fussy baby.

It gets easier. Also ignore flippant posts. I know people mean well but it is hard when you’re in the depths of despair reading those posts where you just get told ‘sling.’ Yes, slings are great but they aren’t a magic solution. Mine hurts my back and I know I’m putting it on correctly, I leak milk when it is on and the myth you can do everything is just that.c a myth - has anyone tried to sweep the mess up from under a table with a baby in a sling!?

I don’t want to jinx myself but I think my DD is just starting to consolidate her naps a bit. Today we had three naps of 45 minutes, an hour and about half an hour. Which probably isn’t enough but she’s a bit of a swine for fighting day naps.

I can tell you a portable pump is life changing though

Probiotic drops and gripe water worked wonders for both my fussy babies from 6-12 weeks. It’s a hard time where they build up gas, but can’t move to clear it. Bottle feeding can also increase gas as they can gulp it in while drinking I think. Nothing against combo feeding, I did it too. There’s videos on angles to use for bottle feeding, types of bottles that help etc. I also think the new mum excitement wears off around then. I remember myself and my husband being utterly exhausted. It does get better. Congratulations on your little one though!

7-8 weeks was a difficult time for me, I think that's when the sleep deprivation started taking it's toll.

My baby contact napped for the first 4 months and I didn't mind that, I used to set myself up with snacks and drinks and a good Netflix show and just camp out on the couch (always go to the toilet first!) and feed him to sleep. I used to do one buggy nap a day too so that got me out walking and browsing around the shops. I joined a nice social group for mum's in my area and found it really helpful getting out of the house most days just for a coffee and to commiserate with others in my position.

The nights were where I struggled though, I used to dread them wondering how often I'd be woken up and how difficult it would be to get him back to sleep. I definitely remember breaking down in tears many a night.

5 months is when it started getting easier for me. He started waking twice a night instead of every 2 hours and I was able to start putting him down to nap instead of holding him. I would say things got a little easier every month from there and as a 2 year old he is a breeze compared to the early days.

The recommendation of using a sling isn't intended to be "flippant"

When I was In distress and needing some form of help to sooth my new baby, that "flippant" recommendation of the sling saved me to be honest. Just because you had issues with it, doesn't mean the OP will.

Speaking as a mother of two, even the smallest of advise is helpful & thoughtful. Your response is arrogant and coming across as ignorant to those trying to help.

@Aria999 that makes sense! It was my French MIL who suggested it 🤣.

@justanothermanicmonday1 that wasn’t the intention at all. As you can see from the time I posted, I am also dealing with a young baby! But I do find sometimes certain pieces of advice on here can become quite meaningless as they get trotted out so often they aren’t even sometimes backed up with context - ‘sling’ ‘co sleep’ ‘puddlesuit’ being three that come to mind! And if you are really struggling and those things don’t work it can make you feel a bit useless, as it is easy really.

I love slings and I’m actually demonstrating how to use one later to a group so I’m not anti them but I also know they aren’t a catch all.

Oh OP, you poor thing.

I am firmly of the opinion that newborns are hell. I spent the first three months of my son’s life absolutely shell shocked. I was in a constant haze of sleep deprivation, my emotions were all over the place, I couldn’t imagine that I would ever, ever feel like myself again. I loved my baby so much but I couldn’t imagine that my life was going to be happy and enjoyable again, because it had changed so completely and everything was new and difficult. And amid this terrible emotional landscape, I had to provide constant care and nurture and love to a baby who demanded so much.

I hand on my heart promise, it gets so much easier. Three months is the first corner - you’re much more healed from birth, your hormones are starting to settle back down, your baby is more engaging with smiles etc, they might start to sleep a little better. Six months easier again. By a year we were flying. I have enjoyed parenthood more every single month, it keeps getting better and better. My life is so much happier now with my son in it - and when he was a baby that was truly impossible for me to imagine.

You are really in the trenches right now, but I promise, it gets easier and better and more lovely all the time. You’re going to come through this and be happy and settled. You just need to survive in the meantime ♥️

Thanks everyone, I know others with multiples/ toddlers too have it more difficult, so I don't want to sound like I'm complaining or make it a competition, but I am really finding this hard and it breaks my heart to be feeling like this.

I was on another app/ forum when TTC and pregnant and it was nice having friends to chat to during this time we shared, everyone was really understanding and supportive, now we've all had our babies, they all seem to be having an easier time, one sleeping 6-7hrs a night, one saying newborns don't really cry much, I feel like I'm doing something wrong.

With my siblings and cousin that I helped raised I really don't remember any difficulty (although I was helping along side parents) I just remember all the good stuff, teaching them to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, talk, helping them with teething, bottle cleaning, bed time but none of the crying/ fussiness, just all the good stuff

Yes I think she might be colicky
Dad side is all lactose intolerant and I'm afraid she might be too, so trying to bf for as long as poss, just while he digestive system matures a bit more.
HV told me to give her infancol, which kinda works