Newborn - when does the hell end?!

[jhlondon]

I have a 7 week old baby girl, turning 8 weeks on Saturday.
I prayed long and hard for her and had an easy pregnancy.
Was so excited for her arrival and now she's here I'm really struggling.
It's been a long brutal, horrific, exhausting 7 weeks.
I feel so depleted, motherhood isn't what I expected it to be!

I love her so much but also hate being around her and feel so guilty about that, I know she needs me and I wish I could give more to her.

This past week she's become so fussy and fights being put to sleep during the day and wants to contact nap, but I feel so restricted having her on me, night time she's ok can get 2-3 hours between each feed.
We combo feed which makes it slightly easier than when I was ebf.
When does this hell end? I'm so desperate 😔

It gets better! Just keep with the contact naps. She just wants to stay close. I promise it gets better. X

Kindly, it ends when your expectations become more realistic. I’m saying that with the full benefit of hindsight. I massively struggled with DC1 as I couldn’t cope with what I now know is normal newborn behaviour - contact naps, days of fussing, not wanting to be put down, crying in the evening etc. Its all a phase and the funny thing is it will pass but be replaced by something else frustrating or annoying.

Im 4 months down with DC2 and it’s been so much easier and more enjoyable this time. We’ve got out an about loads, I haven’t considered wake windows or naps in the cot. I’ve done everything ‘wrong’. He’s napped on the boob or in the sling or in the pram for every nap. I breastfeed him at every single peep of discontentment.

In my experience, babies become less ‘newborn-ish’ at 4 then again at 6 months. But it doesn’t become easier. Sleep often gets worse and they become easily frustrated with teething and the run up to skills. I personally much prefer the challenges with older babies and toddlers, but it really depends on what your personality is like if it’s truly easier.

If you don’t already invest in a good sling, absolute god send for still being able to do stuff with a baby attached.

Hi OP. Are you a single parent or do you have some support at home from a partner?

You really nice some time for yourself. How much time to get a day for just you?

Contact naps and wanting to be held are both very normal. I second getting a sling so you can get on with things with two hands

Absolutely all of this!
Im likewise 7 months in with Dc2 and found this time soooo much easier but because it is actually easier but my expectations are much lower 🙈 I also struggled massively with my first in the very same ways you are currently. My advice would be just lean into it and try and accept it for what it is. When baby is getting ready for a nap, set up the sofa with snacks, a drink and the remote and settle for with a tv show you’ve been looking forward to, eventually I started loving the contact naps they were like enforced rest for me.

The first 12 weeks or so will just be chaos I'm afraid, but IME things tend to improve after that, you will get slips back as people said, but you do get better at rolling with it. The firt 6-8 weeks are especially draining as things like leaving the house with baby are such an effort, and often end up being abandoned because they've gone to sleep or whatever, but one learns to streamline the leaving the house business gradually.

I know it feels like your whole life has changed - and it has. But it is temporary.

It's just shit having a newborn. You can't get anything done, you can't get any sleep, you can never work out what they're screaming about, you can't put them down, and so on. It's exhausting.

I recommend hunkering down as best you can. Do whatever you need to to make your life easier. Forget the housework and normal hours of business, eat whatever you can, etc.

You will feel like yourself again and you absolutely will get back to normality. Promise!

I hated the new one stage but it quickly changes - it's the hardest time, no sleep, no clue what you're doing but it will get better!
Ignore any comments about it getting worse, it's nonsense! Problems change yes, but dealing them when you've had a decent night sleep is easier lol

Everything you've described is unfortunately normal newborn behaviour, please don't think your doing anything wrong. It will get better, give it a few months. Remember, this one period in time doesn't define motherhood - motherhood is forever. I think it gets easier with each milestone eg sitting up, crawling, walking. In my experience the toddler/pre school stage is absolutely brilliant! The newborn stage on other hand was hell on earth! Good luck x

My hubby works shift work, so there are days he'll be gone 10am-10pm, 7am-3pm, 8pm-7am.
So it's a little difficult getting a good routine with his shifts, plus I know how hard shift work is too and don't want him utterly exhausted too

My hubby works shift work, so there are days he'll be gone 10am-10pm, 7am-3pm, 8pm-7am.
So it's a little difficult getting a good routine with his shifts, plus I know how hard shift work is too and don't want him utterly exhausted too

It does get better OP hang in there your doing fabulous.
Contact napping is just something you need to roll with for now,get a comfy wrap like the stretchy material ones these are more comfy in newborn phases ( don't go near anything like the bjorns etc).

Let the house go to shit- keep everything done to a minimum standard only- if affordable get a cleaner every now and then. When babies down prioritise showers/ sleep / things for you, but take it easy on yourself.

Take EVERY offer of help. Seriously don't think have it sussed because they don't. Sign up to one baby course/ class do you can meet other mums also in the same phase as you and a walk/ cry or moan over the newborn pitfalls together helps.

You got this OP- also just to say never discount PND keep and eye on things and se the bar low to get help when needed. Best of luck!

Not much, hubby has been so helpful when he's off/ paternity leave and lets me go have a nap for an hour while he takes over

I've shouted at her and told her she's been a bad baby when she's fussing and crying for reasons I don't know, then the next minute I'm in tears apologising to her for being a crappy mum and begging her for forgiveness 😥 I just feel so guilty

I'm one of 5, middle child and helped bring up my siblings, including a cousin that my mum babysat 5 days a week. I don't remember them crying and fussing this much (although this was when I was in my teens) I feel like I should know better and be better at this

Honestly 12 weeks and it will ease a bit! It’s all hard but the newborn stage is extremely difficult as nothing prepares you first time round! I felt like a could function sort of after 12 weeks with DS1 by 12 months you’ll be laughing!

Hell erm no it's a normal baby life bless her of course she wants and needs 24/7 care for a while. We had a single and twins straight after and nothing better than just cuddles the first few weeks and giving baby attention it deserves. Please get help if you think your getting the blues tho as that can be horrendous I had it with first child but not my 2nd,4th or 5th

I had really bad PND and one question they always asked me was “are you enjoying your baby” …I always thought this was a really weird question but perhaps it is an indicator to them of the degree a mum is struggling. Are you feeling any positive aspects of having your baby? You saying you hate being around her may be a sign that you should perhaps talk to your gp or health visitor? I don’t know what’s typical for new mums as I was ill with both my kids but it does get better, but equally seeking help earlier rather than later will help you bond.

I felt the exactly the same as you the first time round, it is such a massive shock to the system! Some babies are just really needy and hard to settle. My second is now a year old and from the day he was born he was so much more chilled and settled! Slept well and went with the flow. Honestly I don't think it was anything to do with my parenting, it's just they had completely different personalities.

It gets slightly easier about 12 weeks as they fall into a bit of a routine around naps then, and life becomes slightly more predictable. But the funny thing about babies is they change things up just as you think you have it sussed...sleep regressions, teething, learning to crawl and walk, weaning...every stage has its challenges.

Thank you, yes the lack of sleep is really getting to me.
I'm also pumping as bf her on demand broke me, so it's hard to do this in a sling!

Gently OP, I think you’ve gone into motherhood with completely unrealistic expectations. Don’t beat yourself up about it. I also felt completely blindsided by it all - I literally couldn’t believe cots were even sold as mine was so resistant to sleeping in one. But helping with siblings as a teen is an entirely different kettle of fish to caring for your own newborn 24/7. Maybe yours does cry more than average. Or maybe you are defining yourself and your experience too much by how much she cries. Babies cry, it’s how they communicate, it’s no reflection on you as a parent. My first born cried day in day out for weeks. He has no idea now as a 3 year old. Nobody shares this shit on their perfectly curated Instagram.

I really really urge you to abandon the idea of ‘getting into a routine’ at 7 weeks as well. It’s both impossible and unnecessary. Meeting her needs exactly where they are is likely to reduce her crying as well. It will come, but at 7 weeks you just need to be really, really responsive and accept days will be all over the place.

I certainly won’t berate you for shouting at your baby. I remember screaming at DH once to ‘get this baby off me NOW’. But you know it’s not right. I urge you to look at the Cry-sis and the ICan cope website about baby crying. You need strategies to not become overwhelmed.

It’s very magnanimous of you to not want to put much on DH but he really really needs to step up when he’s around, including overnight. We aren’t designed to do this on our own.

I really hope you are okay x

I think if you're shouting at her you could do with some extra support op. You don't want to get into a habit of getting angry and yelling at a baby, because then that baby will turn into a defiant toddler which can be even more frustrating and so on. It's fucking hard, I have one child and I'd never be able to do it again. But you need to remember she's a tiny baby, she's not doing anything to upset you, she can't misbehave or manipulate, she just wants to be close to you and can only communicate at the moment by crying.

I echo what @VivaVivaa said. DC1 was awful and I felt like you do. DC2 is a breeze.

You get used to the change in sleep. I sometimes go to bed at the same time as the children. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t woken every 1.5-2 hours. I have a 4mo, and a toddler whose started waking due to nightmares. But I don’t feel any more tired that I did. You manage because you have to.

Yes I do love her to bits, and when I'm in the bathroom, my nap time, or away from her I look at pictures of her and miss her!
I think I do have slight baby blues still