Newborn - when does the hell end?!

[jhlondon]

I have a 7 week old baby girl, turning 8 weeks on Saturday.
I prayed long and hard for her and had an easy pregnancy.
Was so excited for her arrival and now she's here I'm really struggling.
It's been a long brutal, horrific, exhausting 7 weeks.
I feel so depleted, motherhood isn't what I expected it to be!

I love her so much but also hate being around her and feel so guilty about that, I know she needs me and I wish I could give more to her.

This past week she's become so fussy and fights being put to sleep during the day and wants to contact nap, but I feel so restricted having her on me, night time she's ok can get 2-3 hours between each feed.
We combo feed which makes it slightly easier than when I was ebf.
When does this hell end? I'm so desperate 😔

My daughter is 11 and it only gets harder. I remember someone saying that to me and I truly didn’t think it was true. I can’t have a bath. Can’t sit on my own. Can’t even stay on the toilet too long because she can’t be without me. She’s SEN. I have a younger daughter who is easier but still….7 weeks down the line (and I mean this with love) is only 7 weeks. I don’t ever get a break.

Imagine you're a scientist with a precious orchid that blooms once in a lifetime or something, this is intense, exhausting, but it will be over one day and will feel precious in retrospect.

Sling so baby can nap on you. Contact naps aren't a waste of time, you're recovering and building a cosy bond with baby. Safe co sleeping naps are good too!

Sling also lets you do some stuff hands free.

When your DH is home, get him to give you 10-30 minute slots where you can do what you want. Bath, walk, book, phone call etc. plan ahead for those and think about what you'll do with that little bit of autonomy.

I got books on a Kindle app on my phone to read during feeding/contact naps, gave me some sense of contact with the outside world.

Even if you've been around kids a lot, your own baby 24/7 is a different thing, plus all the physical and relationship changes. And some babies are just harder work, when I had dc2 I could not believe that people had that experience for firstborn. Dc1 cried endlessly, feeding problems, wouldn't go down etc. dc2 - guzzle, burp, asleep right away.

It's tempting to see pregnancy as an aberration that will end with birth, so you get through the newborn bit and get back to 'normal' - you never really go back to your pre-birth self. It's hard but you just have to go with it. It's intense! Be gentle with yourself and remember you're still in the foothills.

I'm also pumping as bf her on demand broke me, so it's hard to do this in a sling!

Exclusively pumping is literally the hardest of both worlds. You don’t have the convenience of breastfeeding and you don’t have the ability to share the load as much as formula feeding as you have to pump when a bottle is being given. Would attempting direct breastfeeding or switching to formula feeding be options?

We combo feed, about 60/40 formula to breast milk.
Im trying to do this till she's atleast 12 weeks then probably switching just to formula.
It is tough but I really want to do this for her.
When I was breast feeding her it really took a toll on me, feeding constantly, there was one point at 2am when I was with her till 4am just feeding, then her waking 30 mins later for more, that was after a very sleepless night too that was when I wented to just stop bf her completely

We're going through a phase or being tired but pushing and pulling away from me when I try to get her to settle, it's almost like she finds sleeping one uncomfortable to begin with,she really fights naps, but when I get her to sleep and try put her down she screams and the whole cycle begins again

I was told crying reached a peak at 6-7 weeks, so this could be as bad as it gets. I also think it gets a bit easier at 12-14 weeks both of mine got into a rhythm of sleeping a 5-6 hour stretch at some point in the night, which meant I got some deep sleep.

I can't emphasise enough that I would ask a friend or relative for some support to give you a bit of a break. Even if they take her for a long walk with the pram and you sleep.

Every 3 months it gets easier! I only started really enjoying motherhood when ds1 started walking and saying his first words at 14 months. I'm not a baby person. Ds2 is 9 months and I love the bones off of him but I am still not a baby person and know I'll be happier come spring /summer. Hang in there, op.

It will get better, I promise.

For me, turning point was always about 3months. But it's flipping tough. Accept help where you can & absolutely ignore anything on Instagram that suggests it's a breeze.

Thank you, yes it's so hard when you see other mothers online with picture perfect life with their newborn, going out and about, clean house, make up on, nice clothes, i feel like I'm doing something wrong

I hope so, praying for days when I could get more than 2-3hours sleep each night

This is so true! I’ve only got 1 baby to be fair but when I think back to the very start I had ridiculous expectations for myself. Once I started to embrace the chaos and roll with the punches a bit more it felt a bit better - but it’s hard to get to that point of acceptance 😂.

A few things I think reading this.

7w is still early days. Give yourself a break and stop being so hard on yourself.

You sound a bit baby bluesy so please reach out to GP - she's just a small baby being a baby and doesn't deserve to be shouted at, but you know that.

Get a sling if she wants contact.

Stop pumping and just formula feed if it's going to help. I nearly killed myself pumping and got very ill, felt so much better when I finally stopped.

Reassess your expectations of yourself, baby and motherhood. The newborn phase will end, but there will always be something that's hard, lots of phases as they grow.

Hope you start feeling better soon, you got this!

OP it might not feel like it now but you'll soon be on the other side reassuring new mothers that this phase will pass!

DD is 10 months and honestly it's so so much easier. Also if things don't improve at exactly 12 weeks, don't worry, it will happen at some point. It kind of just slowly gets better and you'll catch yourself out and about thinking 'this isn't too bad!'.

I agree with PP, try to accept what's happening, yes it's shit and hard right now but it won't always be. Stressing about changing things/routine etc when they are this young doesn't help. At about 5 weeks I drove myself mad trying to put DD down when she wanted to contact nap and all she did was cry. When I let her sleep on me she slept for like 4hours straight and I realised she just wanted to be close. Of course I couldn't sleep with her on me, but I used to time to rest.

Also you're not doing anything wrong, some babies are harder than others.

If you're feeling like you still have baby blues, speak to HV/GP.

My first piece of advice is to ignore social media, it's very easy to stage a picture and write some tripe as a caption - the majority of us are going too make days between hair washes and have forgotten what make up is! Our houses have exploded with stuff everywhere and the laundry is piling up. It's normal life.

Try to shower every day, even if just a quick in and out. Baby will survive in a bouncer or on a mat for a few mins, even if they don't like it, and you will feel so much better.

Finally, don't worry about a routine at this stage. Some mums and babies do need them later on, but I'm 6 months in and still don't really have one - we just go with the flow each day :-)

You are doing a great job and this horrible sleep deprived time will pass.
In the meantime be kind to yourself and sleep as much as you can when baby is sleeping. When baby is sleeping do not do any chores, have bath , or shower, put some nice comfy clothes on , and try to at least rest, or better still have a nap.
Does your baby girl have a dummy? Baby can smell your breastmilk when cuddling, and they love to have plenty of suckling time , which could possibly be why she’s fussing sometimes . With your decision to pump for 12 weeks- that is bloody hard going and I understand your concern to allow 12 weeks but please don’t worry if you are unable to breastfeed- baby will be OK. I tried to pump after returning to work and it was horrendous, I wish, looking back, that I didn’t beat myself up for needing to switch to bottle feeding. Breastfeeding is not for everyone: my friend who has twin girls found bottle feeding from birth worked best.

IT’s bloody hard work OP. I’m a mum of 3 between ages 7-12 and hand on heart the first 6 months were the hardest by far each time. Gets much easier, toddler tantrums were a doddle in comparison.

I promise it will get easier. Do whatever it takes to make things easier- and family members or close friends who could come during the day to let baby sleep on them for naps so you get a break?

Also if you have a spare room let your DP sleep in there for a few months so you can co sleep with baby. Then both roll on to your sides facing each other and breastfeed her like that. You barely even have to move once you get the hang of it.

It is so f*cking hard. I felt exactly like you and to be honest, I didn't find it got any easier until I had a 2nd baby.

I know how ridiculous that sounds, but it was a sudden acceptance that my old life was completely over. I accepted that I couldn't do everything, accepted that my house would now be a shit hole, slept at every opportunity. I think with the first baby you are trying to keep on top of everything whilst also having a newborn and it's just impossible.

I didn't mean to sound unsympathetic - it's hellishly hard. I remember thinking I couldn't actually bear it for another minute.

We used a white noise machine. Also I sang a lot when DC cried - calmed me down and helped pass the time, even if she was crying. Maybe it soothed her.

I seem to remember people being a bit systematic about wake windows - there's a feed, sleep, wake cycle and if you work it out right, you can pick up on when your baby is going to be tired and see if you can get her to sleep before she's overtired and screaming. In theory.

Someone said to me that babies have tiny tubes, everything is so small so even little bubbles of gas etc can really hurt them. But they're growing all the time, it might feel like nothing is changing but you are moving towards easier times. Don't know if that helps!

But in your post, the 'try to put her down' thing stands out - I wouldn't bother. Let her sleep on you or next to you in bed (with safe sleep guidelines re duvet etc).

Get her to sleep then hold her while she sleeps.

This is how it is in these first few weeks - and close your ears to anyone saying otherwise and extolling their "perfect" baby.

Babies are programmed to want to be in contact with their mothers - it is how mammals survive, so there is something to be said for trying to change your expectations - you had expected that you would be able to lie her down in her crib and she would sleep, whereas in fact most babies find that hard and need human contact during these first weeks.

If you are feeling angry with your baby - and we have all been there to one degree or another, then it might be worth talking this over with the HV.

I am afraid that having a new baby is very restricting and very very tiring, but I absolutely promise you that it gets better with time. You will adapt to her needs; and she will adapt to being outside the womb and in a totally alien and slightly scary environment.

Sending strength and hugs - don't despair!

It'll get better OP! It's a massive shock to the system, I noticed even make so for those who struggled to get pregnant and longed for it so much as there seems to be a picture in your head/ some sort of expectation but the reality as to how hard motherhood isn't part of that perfect world. I hope you're ok x

It's been awhile since my two were newborns but I'll never forget the harsh the reality of a tiny, screaming baby!

The best advice I received was when I was beyond exhausted with my inconsolable baby DS. The paediatrician told me to leave him in his cot, close the door and take 20 minutes for myself, out of earshot. Of course I made sure that DS was fed, changed and otherwise comfortable. That little break saved me.

❤️

Here to just say - it gets easier, I promise. You will sleep again, I promise. Definitely make some time for yourself and don't feel guilty at all. The bad news - in the future you will forget how hard it was and wish you could go back in time.

12 weeks is a big turning point

It ends gradually.

At some point you will realize that actually it's been ok for a while and you just didn't notice.

6 months is a bit better. A year is better still.

Each age brings its own challenges but at least you can start to face them on a bit more sleep.

It. Does. Get. Better. I promise. Knowing this made DC2 newborn phase much easier but it was still hard.