I feel like I’ve ruined my life having a baby

[Gem95]

I’m a first time mum & I didn’t anticipate motherhood to be so hard! I don’t really know what I expected just not this.

I now have a 10 week old son & I can’t stop crying. I feel like I want my old life back, the old me. I feel like I have lost my body (had an episiotomy… when do stitches feel better?), lost everything about me… independence, freedom, ambition, sanity, brain cells and the list goes on.

I cry most days as I can’t handle the whining and the crying anymore. I’m not sure that my son is any different to all the other babies out there but when I listen to the crying 24/7, it drives me mad. Feel like I’m loosing my mind.

I try and get out most days… walks in the pram, to my parents that live round the corner so I am lucky there. It does give me glimmers of a break but I still feel so low and exhausted.

I have so many feelings and thoughts. Some include am I cut out for this? I’ve never had much experience with children so perhaps that is it. Do I have PND? I have been tempted to phone the GP to go on meds or counselling or both. I just feel so miserable all the time.

My mind plays tricks on me as I keep longing to do things for myself. I want to go on holiday in the sun, go to the cinema, theatre and knock off so many things on my bucket list. Why does it worry me more now than it did before?

My son was planned for and certainly wanted and I thought he would enhance my life, my love would grow. But now I feel he is ’in the way’. It sounds terrible to say it like that, I just long for the old me, and my old stress free life (which I didn’t appreciate at the time) I miss work and that’s something I thought I’d never say!

Also, I struggle to keep him entertained all day. He is only 10 weeks old but so alert and does get bored so easily. I have tried baby groups but he either sleeps or screams so I feel it’s more pressure on me! Am I putting too much pressure on myself?

Will things get better in time?

Sorry you are experiencing this.

Absolutely speak to your GP and explain how you are feeling as a priority.

Is your partner supportive?

It will improve.

But obviously it doesn't help when ypu are in the thick of it.

It is bloody hard, and that's completely normal.

I found being around others helped.

I found having kids changed everything. Not sure how old you are, but maybe the fact I was a bit older meant the big change after having a kids affected me more.

If I'd been younger maybe I could have adapted more easily?

It will improve.

Also with your stitches - when were you last examined to see if they were healing properly? Did you have a 6/8 week postnatal review?

OP

Look at how soon you can get some relief and time for yourself.
How soon can you get childcare - in the USA it starts from 6 weeks, in France women take 3 months mat leave, then it's full time childcare.
How soon can you sleep train.
Have your partner or mum have the baby for the day.
Etc. etc.

Hi OP, I feel for you as I found those first few weeks really hard! It does get better as they get older - less crying and more interaction. Do you have a partner? Make sure he takes the baby at the weekend and you do something nice for yourself. Maybe look up baby cinema showings if that's something you're missing? Baby classes? It's nice to connect with other mums feeling the same.

In a few months if you're still not enjoying it you could consider cutting your maternity leave short and going back to work early. That can do wonders for making you feel like yourself again! But hopefully you'll be feeling better before then.

It is so overwhelming at first but it gets easier- every 2 weeks I would say things get a bit better and your body will start to feel more normal gradually. However your stitches should have dissolved and healed by now so I would get them checked.

I totally felt how you do now when I had my first. You don't need to entertain them, just cuddle them and take them around with you to give them new things to look at. In time you will get more confidant with them crying at groups etc as you'll get very quick at settling your baby and naps will get less frequent and more predictable so you'll know when they're just crying because they're tired and want to sleep but need help doing it.

It gets easier my love. Of course seek help if you want to. I found I turned a corner at 12 weeks and it gradually got better and better x

You haven't ruined your life - honestly it gets way easier.

You haven't mentioned work so this might not be applicable, but when your dc gets older and can go into childcare for a bit and you can go back to work, you'll probably feel really differently about everything.

My maternity leave felt never ending. I was like, is this my life now?! But in reality it's not the majority of parenting. You only have a baby for a year or two and then it's completely different after that, and (for me) way, way easier.

Not everyone is cut out to enjoy the early years. That doesn't make you a bad mum, because it's such a short period of their life.

For example, some mums find parenting teens really hard. Well, that's more like 6 years! You might be one of the mums who finds that phase easier.

I felt exactly like this so you are definitely not alone. I even dreamt of getting some minor illness that would result in a hospital stay to get away from it all.

I didn't seek help and things improved, slowly at first but then big improvements when I went back to work and as DS got older. I thought I had ruined my life having a baby but wouldn't have it any other way now. I'm sure if I had got help things would have improved much quicker so definitely speak to your GP or health visitor.

Definitely speak to your GP. It’s totally normal to have bad days like you’re describing but if the majority of your days are like that it does suggest PND. Do you have anyone who can take baby while you have some time to yourself? I am a first time mum to a five month old little boy. Ever since he was a newborn I’ve got up early every morning to walk my dog before DH goes to work. It’s helped me loads to get out the house every day without baby. I had an episiotomy as well so I know how it feels to be uncomfortable from that for so long. Has anyone checked your stitches recently? I’m sure it’s fine but could possibly be infected if it’s still hurting a lot.

It sounds like you need a couple of hours to yourself - you say you go to your parents is there any chance one of them could babysit for a couple of hours while you do something for yourself. If it not them then someone else you trust,
Family, friends etc.

I felt exactly the same. My DS had colic and reflux and was so alert and just screamed the whole time and didn't nap in the day without being held and swayed and it was all just so overwhelming and boring and tiring. I was expecting it to be much easier than it was and spent most of the time in tears.

Looking back I should have sought medical advice and probably did have PND.

I had six months mat leave then went back to work (UK). DS went into full time nursery. Things got better over time. I would say 18 months was a turning point. He is now 13 and just awesome and kind and smart and lovely company. I did go on to have a DD too and learnt my lessons and was fortunately financially able to get help with her from the start for my sanity. If you'd asked me in that first 12 months with my son if I wanted to turn back the clock I would have said yes. But now my kids are a total joy and I lovely being with them and seeing them grow and am so proud of them. So be kind to yourself, accept help whenever it is offered (I struggled to accept I wasn't coping and pushed help away which was the wrong thing to do). Ask for help. Try to give yourself little breaks. See your GP. And think about the future when you're cheering him on at sports or listening to him in a school concert or he's telling you about something kind he did for a friend and you're bursting with love and pride. Hang in there xx

This might be a daft suggestion, but could you try doing a few things on your bucket list and see how they go?

The theatre (with baby) is probably a no-no right now, but they do special parent and baby showings at the cinema, and there's no reason you can't go and get some winter sun if that's what you want.

At this sort of age, only do baby groups if YOU want to - they won't benefit baby at this age. So you if you would prefer to wander round an art gallery, go shopping etc, then do it. Life will become a lot more 'child oriented ' in terms of activities in a few months, so at the moment do what YOU want, whether that's lots or not very much at all.

only do baby groups if YOU want to

I totally agree with this. I hated baby groups and when I went to them, I felt even more miserable and not myself and like I had just been transported into someone else's life.

A mumsnetter on another thread described the sensation as hearing Wind the Bobbin Up in a weird slow mo minor key, which is spot on for me.

The things that kept me sane were stubbornly carrying on with grown up activities but bringing dd in the carrier, pram or carrycot.

Eg going to a restaurant but with dd asleep in the carrycot. Pub gardens (this was in the time of the Scotch Egg Substantial Meal so pub gardens were all the rage). Nice department stores. Board game cafes. Craft beer fairs.

How old are you?
I felt like this and I was 37, had been there and done everything. It was so hard, those first few weeks and months. I cried for months, and only in hindsight did I realise I had PND. After about 6 months it got better, not so much easier but I felt better.
Don't do what I did and hide it, ask for help.

Op sorry you are going through this. My boy is 9 months now but I felt exactly the same as you.

I counted down til 12 weeks thinking it will get better but don’t pin your hopes on it. Little by little it gets better/easier and you find your own way of doing things. Try not
to compare - what your feeling is normal even if others pretend it’s always easy and perfect. I had an episiotomy but by 10 weeks felt fine, have you had it checked?

i hated baby groups… all my baby did was cry, paid for a course went once and couldn’t go again. Tried again a few weeks later and actually walked out but really no one does care babies cry but you feel the pressure and the looks. Don’t go to them if you don’t want, I thought it was the thing to do then realised I can do what I want! Definitely reach out to your GP too and speak to your family if you can, sometimes it helps jusg sharing!

I don't know whether this will make you feel better or worse op, but from my experience parenting gets better with each year. So first year I thought wtf have I done, second year was still tough, third year had more ups than downs but still hard work, fourth year I was beginning to enjoy parenting, and now after the fifth year and my child just turning six it is on the whole enjoyable and calm. My boy is my little buddy now and we have a nice chilled happy life on the most part. Parenting took me a long time to adjust to which surprised me but I ace at it now, I was just drowning in the early days. This will pass, it will get better

It will pass. Your baby will get older, you will be back at work before you know it and back in your routine.

Don't put pressure on yourself RE baby groups. Most are boring as heck full of boring as heck women with too much time on their hands. (Ok some can be nice).
Agree with PP. Leave baby with dad/GP for a few hours and do something for yourself.

Oh you poor thing. It’s so tough, isn’t it. Your hormones are probably still out of whack too plus compounded with lack of sleep and these miserable endlessly rainy days if you’re UK based… it’s horrid.

I’d challenge a little what other people have said about baby groups. Maybe give it a go just once if there’s one local. I live in central London and there are so many good ones full of similarly suffering new parents to bond with! I loved the ease of it because it’s all set up for kids with baby changing, someone to bring you tea etc. plus if the baby whines and cries, it’s no big deal. I found going to a local church easier than getting on the tube to ‘do something’

Why are so many posters saying things will get better, improve etc?

Unfortunately people do regret having children. Its a taboo subject around here, but it is a fact. Many people miss their old lives and thats ok.

In 2 weeks approx your baby will start reaching for things, can hold a light rattle etc amd start to become more of a little person.

Having children is hard no matter what age. It doesn't get easier. You just swap one difficult situation for another. Some of the things like fuzzy brain, constant interruptions, longing to go somewhere nice without the kids etc are here to stay I'm afraid. But you can feel better about motherhood. A 10 week old baby doesn't need entertainment or isn't getting bored. Take the pressure off yourself and give yourself time. Get help from your GP

The thing about babies at the point you're at is that they give literally nothing back, they're just little parcels of demands and if you don't meet them (or even if you do) you get screamed at.

You could think it's awful because basically you are just serving them at that point. There's little interaction. You have to be incredibly selfless.

Slowly, they start smiling, holding things, talking, cuddling, walking etc and it gets more rewarding.

Don't beat yourself up for finding this bit dull and endless, it is!

I could have written this 15yrs ago! Absolutely get yourself to the GP. I didn't go til after my second was born 2 years later and i really regretted it. Those early years are so hard and even now I wouldn't want to go back to those days.
I've now got a 15 and 13 yr old and life is so much easier again. I know that sounds a long way off but it really does go quickly.
Accept any help you are offered and don't be ashamed to ask for help when you are struggling. Tell people how you feel, you will be amazed how many others have felt the same as you do. They just don't admit it most of the time.
I hope things get better for you.x

I felt exactly the same but all I can say is it gets so much easier and it becomes enjoyable. Honestly, I love it now but was absolutely overwhelmed and terrified when my first was a baby. I even went in to have a second so that proves it.