I feel like I’ve ruined my life having a baby

[Gem95]

I’m a first time mum & I didn’t anticipate motherhood to be so hard! I don’t really know what I expected just not this.

I now have a 10 week old son & I can’t stop crying. I feel like I want my old life back, the old me. I feel like I have lost my body (had an episiotomy… when do stitches feel better?), lost everything about me… independence, freedom, ambition, sanity, brain cells and the list goes on.

I cry most days as I can’t handle the whining and the crying anymore. I’m not sure that my son is any different to all the other babies out there but when I listen to the crying 24/7, it drives me mad. Feel like I’m loosing my mind.

I try and get out most days… walks in the pram, to my parents that live round the corner so I am lucky there. It does give me glimmers of a break but I still feel so low and exhausted.

I have so many feelings and thoughts. Some include am I cut out for this? I’ve never had much experience with children so perhaps that is it. Do I have PND? I have been tempted to phone the GP to go on meds or counselling or both. I just feel so miserable all the time.

My mind plays tricks on me as I keep longing to do things for myself. I want to go on holiday in the sun, go to the cinema, theatre and knock off so many things on my bucket list. Why does it worry me more now than it did before?

My son was planned for and certainly wanted and I thought he would enhance my life, my love would grow. But now I feel he is ’in the way’. It sounds terrible to say it like that, I just long for the old me, and my old stress free life (which I didn’t appreciate at the time) I miss work and that’s something I thought I’d never say!

Also, I struggle to keep him entertained all day. He is only 10 weeks old but so alert and does get bored so easily. I have tried baby groups but he either sleeps or screams so I feel it’s more pressure on me! Am I putting too much pressure on myself?

Will things get better in time?

It gets better it gets better it gets better!!!

I’m on DC2 who is 4 months old. The first 4 months with DC1 were the worst and longest of my life. I too thought I’d been tricked and made a terrible mistake. It’s been completely fine and actually flown by second time around, mostly because I know that it’s okay to just survive the baby stage and better days are coming! The ’desperate to be awake but easily overtired and wants to move but completely useless body’ phase (ie 8 to 18ish weeks) really is terrible. DC2 is 17 weeks and it’s already improving vastly. By 6 months with DC1 I’d found my groove and by a 18 months I really enjoyed parenting. That’ll seem like an eternity away now to you - it’ll only be when you look back you’ll realise how short the baby phase actually was. I also went back to work at eleven months which helped massively. I couldn’t hack being a SAHM!

To note, I definitely didn’t have PND. I find it a little offensive that we pull women out of the workplace and their social life, put them through childbirth, give them no support for things like breastfeeding and then chuck sleep deprivation into the mix and then scratch our heads when they aren’t ‘loving every minute’ and suggest they have a mental health problem. I think what you are experiencing is a completely normal adjustment reaction to a massive, massive life upheaval. But forgive me if I am wrong.

It is really hard and I felt the same as you. I didn't expect to enjoy the baby stage but I wasn't prepared for how much I actually disliked it. I used to think there was something wrong with me but the more honest I've been with people about how I truly found it, the more people have opened up that they felt similarly.

I planned to go back to work part time after mat leave but ended up going back early and full time. This really helped me feel like I was getting some of my old life back. As soon as the decision was made it felt easier to get through the days with the baby as there was a defined end in sight.

It does get easier. The first time I even felt like I could breathe again was when baby started sleeping through the night at 9 weeks (this all went awry at 6 months), not being so tired really helped me cope. When she went into her own room at 9 months, it felt so freeing as I could get proper rest without waking up by her fidgeting.

She's now a proper little toddler and things are only getting better the more interactive she gets. Sometimes I do still wonder what I've done and how my life would be different if I were child free but I now know I would never change it back. I certainly won't be having anymore children, but I'm finally looking forward to enjoying the one I have.

Such a helpful input there. Of course it's normal to miss your old life, that's what people are saying! But it's very different being ten weeks in to motherhood than a few years down the line, in the vast majority of cases people find parenting a lot easier at say age 5 years than they did looking after a ten week old baby, not going out to work, recovering from birth injuries,hormones all over the place, sleepless nights, endless crying etc etc. at ten weeks in you're still overwhelmed and getting used to your life being turned upside down! Of course there are some women who will indeed continue to regret having children forever but I honestly don't think this number is huge.

in the vast majority of cases people find parenting a lot easier at say age 5 years than they did looking after a ten week old baby, not going out to work, recovering from birth injuries,hormones all over the place, sleepless nights, endless crying etc etc. at ten weeks in you're still overwhelmed and getting used to your life being turned upside down!

I'm not sure that's true tbh. Some people find it easier, some people find it harder, some people find it similar difficulty. My eldest was easier, slept better, and was less work at 10 weeks than 5 years, and I'm by no means alone with that.

I have no regrets at becoming a parent, but I do cringe when i hear people say 'it gets better' because whilst it's meant to be reassuring, it's often not true, and I'm not sure how truly helpful false hope is.

Then again, those of us who found newborns the easiest phase, are unlikely to be the ones saying how difficult it is on mumsnet. Given we know some women DO find it the hardest phase, maybe we can assume that those who cry out on here at this stage at in the latter not the former category, and for them, it probably does get easier.

What i think it's accurate though is, in time:

• your hormones will settle
• you'll get used to 'the job' more, which helps
• no stage lasts forever, so things that are tricky now navy not be in a month. There may be challenges in a month that are just as hard, but at least they are different.

It is helpful and I will tell you why. The more people that understand that having kids is a choice not a necessity, the better.

When people try and sugarcoat how bloody hard it is, THAT doesn't help.

You haveny ruined your life. But it is good to be honest with yourself about what has changed and how you feel about those changes so you can find a way forward.

Some women do not enjoy the baby stage much. That's ok. It's not very long in the scheme of things! If you're one of those, what will make it better for you?

Babies are quite portable. Ditch the schedule, go get some winter sun! If its what you want to do, do it. People have babies all over the world, you'll be fine.

Take baby to things you'll enjoy. They don't care where they are at this age. If there's a cafe/restaurant you fancy, go early inthe day and take them with you. Fancy a walk? With a decent carrier and the right clothes there no such thing as an inappropriate environment for a baby. Good way to spend time with childfree friends as babies often sleep or are entertained by the view so you can chat uninterupted. If you don't enjoy baby groups just don't go. Find something you DO want .

Basically make maternity leave work for you. There are no points for matrydom

If you really atent enjoying it, can you look into returning to work earlier? There's no shame in that. My DH has never taken more than 48hrs paternity leave and we have 4 kids. He'd rather be at work and I don't need him for a tiny baby. Being miserable will make you a worse parent, strike to right balance for you and your family.

Book an appointment to get your stitches checked. Unless your tear was very bad I don't think it should still be painful. Even a c section sound is usually feeling much betyer by ten weeks. You may need some antibiotics.

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to comment on my post. I do feel reassured that it will get easier and I’m acknowledging that my feelings are normal & im not a bad person.

I do feel going back to work will help massively. Does anyone have any input on nurseries i.e how many days do you think a child under 1 will cope a week? Will I get endless calls to pick my son up due to illness so is nursery worth it? Is the cost of nursery too much? Will nursery do my son good?

I don’t have any family that can look after my son for free even for a day a week. So nursery or nanny line would be the only option for me.

thank you x

How old would the baby be when you returned? I would advise to wait until spring. Winter is hideous for illnesses and would be especially tough on a small baby. It’s not only a waste of money but very stressful - very broken sleep, back and forth to the GP, sometimes A&E. I was constantly worried sick by the amount of time I had to take off to care for DD, and am bracing myself as DS starts at childcare after Christmas. It’s not unusual for them to be unwell every other week or so, for several days at a time.

@Naptrappedmummy I am due to go back in July next year & my DS will be 10 months old. I am thinking of nursery for 2 days a week (mon & fri) to spate out the days but worried about Illnesses as you say. Or do you think I’m overthinking it & 2 days will be manageable? Thank you

I wouldn’t if I’m honest. Looking after an unwell baby is liking looking after a well one but on steroids - even more crying and fussing and waking. And they can take weeks to get over a simple cold. My baby boy has had 2 back to back colds with 4 days of being ok in between. I have barely slept for 2 months. Every feed is a struggle as his nose is blocked.

I would push through the winter and reassess in spring. By then you may even feel differently. Babies change a lot in just a couple of months. Either way you have a start date at nursery so it will happen but you can’t go back on maternity leave once you return if that makes sense.

Mine went in at 6 months. It was spring. She never got ill. Depends on their immune system.

They don't all get colds all the time. Some do.

Firstly spring usually isn’t quite as bad but when was that? The bugs in the last 3 years are a totally different ballgame to the ones that came before. Any A&E doctor will tell you that (as they have me)

You might feel totally different in a few weeks OP. Perhaps revisit in a month and think about how you feel about nursery then?

@Naptrappedmummy it was a while ago to be fair. Mind you she's hardly ever ill now either.

@Gem95 the first 3-6 months when they start nursery is hell to be honest, regardless how many days they go. It's a germ fest and there isn't really much you can do about it other than ride it out. It does get better. Just plan what you want to do and you just have to ride with whatever happens. Check out you and your partners entitlement to special leave or equivalent in event of child sickness and share time off from the start. It does get better in time.

My youngest will be starting nursery next year at 10 months - I think they often settle better when they're a bit younger actually. My oldest went at 13 months and it was a tough few weeks getting him used to it.

And just to add to the voices, not loving this stage is so, so normal! With my first, I told my manager when he was 9 weeks old that I was coming back to work as soon as I could get a nursery place sorted as I just hated it, but it all settled and I ended up going back after the full year and a bit. She later told me she'd not made any arrangements for my return, so I don't think I was the first person to do that!

I also think it's worth going to baby groups, some adult company does wonders, and being somewhere where it doesn't matter if your little one cries and fusses is a weight off - my first was colicky so just cried anywhere we went, so I decided if he was going to cry anyway, he might as well cry while I had company and a hot drink!