I feel like I’ve ruined my life having a baby

[Gem95]

I’m a first time mum & I didn’t anticipate motherhood to be so hard! I don’t really know what I expected just not this.

I now have a 10 week old son & I can’t stop crying. I feel like I want my old life back, the old me. I feel like I have lost my body (had an episiotomy… when do stitches feel better?), lost everything about me… independence, freedom, ambition, sanity, brain cells and the list goes on.

I cry most days as I can’t handle the whining and the crying anymore. I’m not sure that my son is any different to all the other babies out there but when I listen to the crying 24/7, it drives me mad. Feel like I’m loosing my mind.

I try and get out most days… walks in the pram, to my parents that live round the corner so I am lucky there. It does give me glimmers of a break but I still feel so low and exhausted.

I have so many feelings and thoughts. Some include am I cut out for this? I’ve never had much experience with children so perhaps that is it. Do I have PND? I have been tempted to phone the GP to go on meds or counselling or both. I just feel so miserable all the time.

My mind plays tricks on me as I keep longing to do things for myself. I want to go on holiday in the sun, go to the cinema, theatre and knock off so many things on my bucket list. Why does it worry me more now than it did before?

My son was planned for and certainly wanted and I thought he would enhance my life, my love would grow. But now I feel he is ’in the way’. It sounds terrible to say it like that, I just long for the old me, and my old stress free life (which I didn’t appreciate at the time) I miss work and that’s something I thought I’d never say!

Also, I struggle to keep him entertained all day. He is only 10 weeks old but so alert and does get bored so easily. I have tried baby groups but he either sleeps or screams so I feel it’s more pressure on me! Am I putting too much pressure on myself?

Will things get better in time?

I felt exactly the same at this stage — just hold in there, it gets easier. First 6 months were a blur (didn't help that it took place during the pandemic!)

I think around 12 weeks I was just obsessed with this little creature that wouldn't sleep and wouldn't let me leave its side. I had no time for myself. Meanwhile her dad was able to shower in peace, walk the dogs in peace and go to work in relative peace! I'd end up getting so frustrated and flying into rages at him if he dared disturb my sacred weekend shower.

I remember somewhere between 9 months and 1 year thinking to myself in the shower that I feel almost human again, almost back to my old self. It was when the baby started reliably napping for good stretches throughout the day, and slept consistently for longer stretches at night. I'd be able to sit down and get a bit of time to do stuff I wanted to do.

By 3 years, I felt myself completely and there's this fab little kid running around that has a lovely time at preschool, etc.

I do get pangs for holidays in the sun, nights out with cocktails etc, but they go as soon as they come. I know there'll be time for all that in the future and I have been enjoying trying new stuff and making new memories with my little family. Stuff like camping, taking her to the beach, christmas visits etc. It makes it all worth it.

Absolutely talk to the GP or your health visitor if you feel you need extra support.

My episiotomy scar hurt for ages but sorted itself out eventually.

Thank you all for your kind words it really has made me feel like I am not alone and there is hope around the corner! To answer questions, my partner is very supportive and helps every opportunity he can when not working. I am 29 years old too. I am going to keep remaining positive that good times are ahead, make time for me (and not feel guilty about it) and see the GP. Thanks all 🥰

@CuteAsDuck thank you for your kind words. I had them checked at my 8 week check and GP said they are healing just going to take more time. Suppose I am just inpatient as to how long that will take but I must just give it a lot longer!

@Pippim I am 29 years old. Thank you for your kind words 🥰

It's really hard and overwhelming and you're still in the really, really early days. There'll be people who tell you it doesn't get easier just different but that's just their experience, honestly, it has got easier for me as my baby has got older. I still miss my old, easy life and just doing what I want when I want lol. But honestly, it is ok now. I know I'll do them things again. You realise at a certain point how fast they grow, how quickly they change and learn and this early, hard, relentless bit passes. Suddenly you can go out again, you can plonk them in a high chair and they eat with you, fiddle with some toys, etc. You can take them to places and once they can actually enjoy themselves it is less of a chore than just trying to be out and juggling the baby. If you feel like you might have PND, definitely contact your GP. I probably had it, but I never got help and in hindsight, things could have been easier sooner. Get your episiotomy looked at, but everything that tells you you should be "healed" in a matter of weeks is utter bullshit. It took a while for mine to feel better and I've got friends who have said similar. Look after yourself, talk about how you feel and remember everything is a phase and this bit won't last forever x

I felt like this. Planned, much wanted dc and then felt like I hadnt thought it through! I still mourn my old life in some ways but I worked part time while they were young. Abusive ex made it so I couldn't work more.
However, once I became a single parent and went back to work full time I felt a lot better. I wish I'd have known the affect it would have and found a way to do it sooner. Try and enjoy your mat leave ( it does gey easier as the weeks go by) but don't feel bad if you need to work for your sanity after that.

You know so many people told me the earliest days were the worst, but for me that 10 week point is when things got wild. Sleeping routines, feeding, so much awake time, trying to shower, eat, plan, find time for anything that wasn't baby related was impossible. And I was stil bleeding, I was drained at times.

My advice - go hard on routine if you havnt already. Good sleep will help baby and you start to get regular time to do other things either round the house, or mooch round the shops. I started walking a lot with the pram (summer baby granted) and I made a good friend through NcT and we would meet up at least once a week to share what was going on, have a coffee and sometimes even tackle a job together than we didn't feel we could do on our own with a baby in tow.

Deff speak to your GP and you can speak to Health visitor also. Sometimes they do drop ins if you can look up local services. There's lots of support out there x

I could have wrote your post 6 years ago.
I promise this won't last, but you must take care of yourself. Perhaps try the quiet loop headphones, they don't get rid of sound but can help 'turn the noise down'. The crying can be soul destroying.
Do you have any help & support around your? Don't ever be afraid to ask for help.
Speak with your GP definitely.

You can do this OP

I was 29 when I had DC1 . Mat leave was the loneliest, hardest time of my life. I went back to work pt at four and five months each time and instantly felt 1000% better. Like a cloud lifted. Juggling childcare was so much easier than being on call 24/7.
Now 21 and 18 and never a single regret.
I didn't have PND. Just need to get a break and back to 'normality' on a regular basis.

@SallyWD

I felt exactly the same but all I can say is it gets so much easier and it becomes enjoyable. Honestly, I love it now but was absolutely overwhelmed and terrified when my first was a baby. I even went in to have a second so that proves it.

This. ^ @Gem95 I am so sorry you feel so shit right now, but it is very early days, and things will improve and get a lot better, as your little baby becomes a person, and becomes a big part of your life. Perfectly natural and normal to feel 'I wish I could have my old life back' for the first few months. It won't last.

Oh God this is taking me back. I was lonely and bored half to death when my DC were that age. It certainly will get better is all I can say. I would try and find some kind of baby group you enjoy as adult company is the only way through this imo.

The thing is, before you have a child all you think about is what you'll gain by having a child. You never once think about what you'll lose. The first year or so of motherhood you lose so much. But it all does come back. Little by little you start feeling like you again, you slowly start to claw back time to yourself, time to see friends and pursue your interests. The first couple of years are just crazy but it all settles down.

Am I putting too much pressure on myself? Yes

Will things get better in time? Yes

I felt as you do. It gets better. I found 6 months and 12 months big milestones. My eldest is 2 now and he’s mostly a joy. (Yes, we had another)

You sound like me earlier this year.
Eerily so!

It gets better!

I was referred for PND but was lucky to have a supportive partner who pointed out that I was doing a very hard thing (having a newborn and adapting to being a mum) and I was allowed to find it hard, it didn't mean I had a medical condition or needed pills.
Of course, PND is a thing, but it's worth considering where you think you are on that scale and whether giving yourself permission to find it hard instead of 'the happiest time of your life' as we're told, might help!

Slowly, I found myself again. Different, but me. She's now nearly ten months and I feel much closer to knowing who I might be, and adore her - it took a long time for me to feel that supposedly instant love, because the constant demand and needs felt like obligation not any love I'd known.

It's okay not to feel like Instagram said you would.
Becoming a mother is incredibly hard, caring for a newborn is incredibly hard, and recovering from pregnancy and birth is also incredibly hard!

This is a hard phase, but it passes.
Find small things that light you up, do things just for you every now and then (no matter how small), and look forwards.

Also, definitely consider going back to work early.
I went back part time at 6 months and it was the best thing for both of us. I immediately felt much more 'me' and alive, and she loved the added socials. I then was more grateful for the time we did have together when I wasn't at work.

I could have written this 20 years ago. Even down to the episiotomy. Worst time of my life. Others have given really good advice but I just wanted to say it may not be PND, it may be that you actually don’t like babies that much and that’s okay. No one ever admits that especially about your own but it’s more common than people think. I relentlessly struggled through the first few months and then went back to work full time when dd was 6 months ish old as quite frankly I’d had enough and wanted my life back a bit. I felt much happier working. In time dd changed and could obviously communicate more and the endless crying and screaming stopped and we grew a lovely bond. She’s now 20 and in her third year at university and I love her to bits but I hated every second of having a baby. And that’s okay. I went on to have another one (!!) ten years after that - by then I knew what I was in for and decided to have a c section which was much easier in terms of healing than the episiotomy (at least I could sit comfortably!) and I knew the baby stage would pass. I’d survived it once!

OP, it really does sound like PND. See your GP

I was 22 married and mum was close by it was harder than I expected at first but it got better, when I finished breast feeding I could go back to work nursing, no childcare in those days, so I did mostly nights. That actually worked well, hubby looked after kids 3 nights a week, it worked so well that I went on to have 3 more all boys. LOL

My midwife put me in touch with other mothers. Can you ask as the surgery?

OP, just want to echo everyone else's sentiments. I was where you are for the first 4 months of my daughter's life and continued to have bad days for months. She is now 20 months and the majority of the time a joy to be around - it's amazing seeing their little personalities and quirks develop. You are cut out for it, I promise. The fact you are even wondering and questioning shows how much you care

Be kind to yourself, get as much rest as possible (not easy with a tiny one I know!) and try to carry on with bare minimum self care, if it helps. And if you work and enjoy work, perhaps consider going back early? I had 14 months off and when I got back to work I realised how much I'd struggled and how low I'd been.

Please reach out to professionals too.

And you're not alone; there will always be another mummy somewhere willing to listen, even if it's just on here!

Go easy on yourself X

Your baby is still so small and I promise it gets better when they are 6 months old. You seem like the type of person who liked to have a decent social life prior to motherhood. That will all come back, it just takes time!

Just ride it out at present, speak to your GP if you feel depressed and get whatever support you can for now. One day you will look back at these moments and feel so proud of yourself.

Honestly I had my first child in April and this was me!

Sorry I know it's not the best advice and doesn't mean much now but I promise it gets better!

I really struggled, l love my daughter more than anything but I was experiencing the exact same emotions as you. I really wasn't enjoying motherhood.

She's almost 7 months now and things in general are much easier.
She can entertain herself a little more, nap schedule is precise, and I can gauge near enough 100% of the time why she is crying.

I was bedazzled by social media and felt like I was the only person who felt like this as every other new mum looks like their having the perfect time. Stay strong and speak out your doing a great job x

It is so hard OP. When can you go back to work? I have just hired a nanny, and it’s really given me my mental health back. DD was almost 11 months old when the nanny started, and I was thoroughly depressed by the end of mat leave. I won’t be taking more than 6 months off with the next one. Best of luck to you.

OP we have all been there. They turn your life upside down. I still sometimes lament the loss of parts of me and the time I don't get to spend doing the things I love.

At 10 weeks you don't need to worry too much about entertaining the baby. The world is mind blowing to them at this stage. Focus on things you like to do that the baby can come along to. Baby cinema? Yoga? Museums/galleries? Hanging out with friends? Once they start crawling you won't be able to do that so much, so maximise the months when you can.

Have you got other new mums around you can talk to?

It’s definitely normal to feel that way, but I’m glad you’re seeing your GP as it does sound like it might be a bit of depression if you’re feeling miserable all the time.

Don’t worry about baby groups if they’re not working for you. Your baby is young enough that they’re just happy to be doing whatever you’re doing. Go to baby cinema if you have one near by, meet people for lunch, or even look at booking a short break away if finances allow it (holidays are much easier before they start crawling)