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Is this spiteful?

63 replies

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 17:57

My Dd (7) hates to stay away from home, on the run up to the visits with dad and new gf she gets really tearful and anxious. She is waiting to be assessed for asd/adhd and really struggles regulating her emotions. She went to visit them yesterday with the plan being she would stay, and as always while they were out in the evening she becomes inconsolable and wants to return home. As they live some distance away her things were left at their house, including (most importantly) her bunny that she’s had since she was newborn. She takes it everywhere and she relies on it if she’s anxious or upset, like a comfort blanket. He won’t be seeing her for 2 weeks but refuses to let her have it back even though he will be local next week, as he believes there needs to be consequences to her not wanting to stay with him. In his words ‘she needs a kick up the arse’. It just feels really cruel when he knows she will say ‘where’s bunny’ if she gets upset, which often happens because of what we believe is her additional needs. He also has no understanding that she may not be neurotypical, so she thinks or acts a little differently. I don’t know how to handle this at all. He was very emotionally abusive when we were together, and I feel like he’s starting to be like that with her. I’m also annoyed that he kept saying ‘we decided’ regarding his gf. She is not my daughters parent, so shouldn’t be getting involved in parenting decisions imo. Any advice welcomed x

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GrazingSheep · 05/11/2023 17:58

Can you go and get it ?

OhComeOnFFS · 05/11/2023 17:58

He's a spiteful bastard and no wonder your daughter wanted to get the hell out of there.

His girlfriend will learn the hard way about his true nature, so I wouldn't worry about her.

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:00

He won’t let me. He’s not backing down. It’s like he has to win at all costs 😔

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BitOutOfPractice · 05/11/2023 18:02

Yes it is. And of Course it’s an easy “punishment” for him to impose since he won’t have to deal with the fallout.

sadly in my experience of men like this, there’s no point in reasoning. I would go and pick It up myself if you can. Don’t ask him. Tell him that’s what’s happening.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/11/2023 18:05

His logic is shit anyway. Why does he think doing this will make DD rush into his arms.

Jellybean23 · 05/11/2023 18:07

What a fine example of a human being. Not. What a worm he is.

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:07

I have been told that they are already on rocky ground, as he has started to show his true colours with her. So you’d think she’d be a bit more compassionate towards my girl. I’m so sick of him, he’s a massive bully and I’m honestly still so anxious having to deal with him.

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ilovemyspace · 05/11/2023 18:08

Rosemarysbabe · Today 18:00
He won’t let me. He’s not backing down. It’s like he has to win at all costs 😔

He won't LET you?? You're giving him a choice??

He'll back down, no problem if you show him you're serious. Men like that bank on people backing down - so please don't back down. Put your daughter first xx

justthecat · 05/11/2023 18:10

Can you get a replica? Or a new special friend that will stay in your house and always be there.
him in other words …

Jellybean23 · 05/11/2023 18:10

Keep a record of all these things he does. In my book, it's abusive. He can't expect love from her if he treats her like that.

WomanFromTheNorth · 05/11/2023 18:12

He's a nasty bastard. No wonder she doesn't want to stay there.

Chowtime · 05/11/2023 18:12

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:00

He won’t let me. He’s not backing down. It’s like he has to win at all costs 😔

Take your daughter with you. Let her see that he won't give it to her.

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:15

I know I sound really weak, but he was an emotional bully to me when we were together and I’m still suffering with my nerves around him. All day yesterday before all this happened he was sending messages, what time did she go to bed? She’s absolutely knackered you’re keeping her up too late. Why’s she having Nutella on toast for breakfast, she’s overweight. She’s on her tablet too much.
I live with my elderly parents and rely on them for childcare while I work, so she does spend a lot of time on technology when I’m not with her. My mum is my disabled dads carer and has recently had a heart attack so can’t always be entertaining her. But I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances I’m in.

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AmyandPhilipfan · 05/11/2023 18:16

Will he let someone else get it? Sounds like a tosser who has no respect for women. Do you have a brother, dad, male friend who could knock on his door and say 'I've come to pick up x's bunny.' I bet he would give it to them.

Purplecatshopaholic · 05/11/2023 18:18

Yes that’s spiteful. He is a bully. Dont see how you can just go and get it like some people seem to think. It’s at his house. He isn’t going to just hand it over. So sadly your poor DD is without it until he deigns to be a reasonable human. Can you buy another one, or similar and start to encourage an attachment to that in the short term? Sorry op, what a shit he is.

ilovemyspace · 05/11/2023 18:18

@Rosemarysbabe

I have been told that they are already on rocky ground, as he has started to show his true colours with her. So you’d think she’d be a bit more compassionate towards my girl. I’m so sick of him, he’s a massive bully and I’m honestly still so anxious having to deal with him.

Find your inner anger and deal with him. Often it's easier to fight for somebody else rather than for yourself.
Mothers have an instinct to protect their children. This instinct is right! - so use it to protect your daughter

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:21

It’s pretty much me and my elderly parents. My dad can’t walk now and I have no siblings. His family often don’t agree with what he does but none of them will tell him he’s being out of order. If I try to get anyone else involved he gives me a barrage of abuse. He’s angry that she doesn’t want to stay with him, but can’t see that his behaviour is just making her more and more withdrawn from him.

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Theunamedcat · 05/11/2023 18:22

I had this I sent a man over to collect it apparently he was "just" going to bring it over 🙄

ilovemyspace · 05/11/2023 18:23

@Rosemarysbabe But I’m doing the best I can under the circumstances I’m in.

I'm sure you are, because all any of us can do is our best :)
But maybe it helps to know that you are not in the wrong here - he is the one the wrong.

I know it's not easy to rock the boat, but this boat needs rocking!
Choose your battles with him, but always choose the ones where your daughter is affected

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:24

I wish I had someone to send. He got fired from his last job for having a fight with a customer. As you can see he’s not very approachable

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Mylovelygreendress · 05/11/2023 18:25

Do you have a brother or rugby playing friend ?

curaçao · 05/11/2023 18:27

do you wind up having topick her up eatly every time has contact?

FortheBeautyoftheEarth · 05/11/2023 18:28

He sounds spiteful and absolutely clueless. Withholding a transitional object and punishing her for her emotions - totally unacceptable and cruel. 😣

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:28

She is managing for now, I’m just worried as 2 weeks is a long time for her. She has loads of lovely soft toys, it’s just that bunny is well loved and looks it too. It’s been chewed and cuddled to death. There just isn’t a replacement for that for her 😞
this is what upsets me, he knows that, but he is willing to leave her for 2 weeks without it. How can you be so cruel to somebody you profess to love?

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AuntieStella · 05/11/2023 18:30

Yes he's being a shit, because he was coming over anyhow (I could understand not wanting to post it) and mean to refuse to let you collect.

But you can't do a damned thing about him.

What you need to turn your full effort to is helping your DD cope (without saying a single bad word about her father - hard I know, but still has to be done). Each time you get through a bad patch, his ability to cause mayhem reduces.

Only read messages from him once a day (ignore or turn off notifications) and only answer questions that deserve an answer (so ignore bedtime and breakfast questions, but it might be worth having a united front on screen time, so ask him what he thinks is best)