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Is this spiteful?

63 replies

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 17:57

My Dd (7) hates to stay away from home, on the run up to the visits with dad and new gf she gets really tearful and anxious. She is waiting to be assessed for asd/adhd and really struggles regulating her emotions. She went to visit them yesterday with the plan being she would stay, and as always while they were out in the evening she becomes inconsolable and wants to return home. As they live some distance away her things were left at their house, including (most importantly) her bunny that she’s had since she was newborn. She takes it everywhere and she relies on it if she’s anxious or upset, like a comfort blanket. He won’t be seeing her for 2 weeks but refuses to let her have it back even though he will be local next week, as he believes there needs to be consequences to her not wanting to stay with him. In his words ‘she needs a kick up the arse’. It just feels really cruel when he knows she will say ‘where’s bunny’ if she gets upset, which often happens because of what we believe is her additional needs. He also has no understanding that she may not be neurotypical, so she thinks or acts a little differently. I don’t know how to handle this at all. He was very emotionally abusive when we were together, and I feel like he’s starting to be like that with her. I’m also annoyed that he kept saying ‘we decided’ regarding his gf. She is not my daughters parent, so shouldn’t be getting involved in parenting decisions imo. Any advice welcomed x

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Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:31

Unfortunately not 😞

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AuntieStella · 05/11/2023 18:32

this is what upsets me, he knows that, but he is willing to leave her for 2 weeks without it. How can you be so cruel to somebody you profess to love?

Stop asking yourself these kinds of questions. It brings no benefit to you, and lets him in to your head

Focus instead on your DD and how to help her cope

Ponderingwindow · 05/11/2023 18:33

You need to try to go pick up the bunny.
if he refuses to hand it over you add it to your documentation that you are preparing for your eventual day in court. Just remember to not include your negative opinions, just keep your notes factual and about the impact on your child.

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Chowtime · 05/11/2023 18:33

Stop answering his endless messages. Just because someone messages you doesn't mean you have to message back. Your phone is for YOUR convenience, not for someone else's.

I would definately go round with a friend even a woman and take your daughter with you. Let him say no to her.

ilovemyspace · 05/11/2023 18:36

@Rosemarysbabe* *
just answer:

what time did she go to bed? Don't worry, she 's going to to bed at the right time when she's here

She’s absolutely knackered you’re keeping her up too late. She's fine when she's here - don't worry

Why’s she having Nutella on toast for breakfast, she’s overweight. It's all under control when she's with me

She’s on her tablet too much - stop worrying so much, she's fine when she's here with me

I've got everything under control and I don't know why you keep bringing up these things that you see to be problems .....??
If you're having problems when she spends time with you because you have different boundaries and rules, then we need to have a discussion

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:40

he has mostly brought her back. This is a lot of his complaint, because they live 20 miles away and it’s an hour’s journey. He was moaning saying ‘do you know how much money I’ve spent on fuel on that girl’ it was his choice to get his gf pregnant behind my back and move miles away not his daughters. And that’s not me being bitter, he wanted us to stay together and me become stepmum 🙈😂 but obviously I finally got a grip and called it a day. They did me a favour. But unfortunately I still have to deal with him because of my DD.
Anyway I digress, I have picked her up twice. Once when their baby had to go to hospital, and the second time when she became so inconsolable that she stated she would walk home if he wouldn’t take her. His response to that was to say ‘go on then’ and close the front door on her and leave her stood in the street. He refused to bring her back stating ‘if you want to give in to her, you come and get her’ bearing in mind this was 2 days after my mum had had a massive heart attack and I was splitting my time between the hospital, and caring duties for my dad. So I drove up there in the dark and torential rain, stressed out of my mind 🙄

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lovenotwar149 · 05/11/2023 18:42

I think that sounds very cruel of him

Whattodo112222 · 05/11/2023 18:45

I estimate by the time she's 12 she won't be seeing him anymore. Its incredibly spiteful.

ilovemyspace · 05/11/2023 18:45

@Rosemarysbabe - and after all the advice you've been given, this sentence says it all - My Dd (7) hates to stay away from home, on the run up to the visits with dad and new gf she gets really tearful and anxious.
^^
Speaking as a single parent, ....... WHY are you allowing this??

ilovemyspace · 05/11/2023 18:47

sorry, I mean WHY are you allowing the visits, not why are you allowing your DD's behaviour (but I hope that was obvious!)

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 05/11/2023 18:47

Does your daughter have to visit her father? Is there a court order in place?

Anonomom12 · 05/11/2023 18:47

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:40

he has mostly brought her back. This is a lot of his complaint, because they live 20 miles away and it’s an hour’s journey. He was moaning saying ‘do you know how much money I’ve spent on fuel on that girl’ it was his choice to get his gf pregnant behind my back and move miles away not his daughters. And that’s not me being bitter, he wanted us to stay together and me become stepmum 🙈😂 but obviously I finally got a grip and called it a day. They did me a favour. But unfortunately I still have to deal with him because of my DD.
Anyway I digress, I have picked her up twice. Once when their baby had to go to hospital, and the second time when she became so inconsolable that she stated she would walk home if he wouldn’t take her. His response to that was to say ‘go on then’ and close the front door on her and leave her stood in the street. He refused to bring her back stating ‘if you want to give in to her, you come and get her’ bearing in mind this was 2 days after my mum had had a massive heart attack and I was splitting my time between the hospital, and caring duties for my dad. So I drove up there in the dark and torential rain, stressed out of my mind 🙄

I’d drive up there and pick up the things because no way in hell would she be going anywhere with him again unless forced to by court order.
The man shouldn’t be anywhere near this child. Or any child for that matter

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 18:48

Yes I understood, I guess I was under the impression that he has parental rights. He has threatened court proceedings, and I guess it’s going to have to go that route now

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Ollifer · 05/11/2023 18:49

Op I've been through this and still am now, he'll never change so you just need to teach your daughter how to best deal with his shittyness until she is an age where she doesn't have to go anymore. I cannot wait for that day.

twattydogshavetwattypeople · 05/11/2023 18:50

And who exactly is 'out in the evening'? Where is the point in your daughter visiting her father if he is not spending time with her?

SarahAndQuack · 05/11/2023 18:50

That is awful.

I agree with PP you are probably best to limit the harm he can do - though writing him a very factual email about how inappropriate his behaviour is would be very tempting.

FloofCloud · 05/11/2023 18:59

Yes it's spiteful and he's an arsehole! Clearly your DD won't trust him again - rightly so!
FWIW it may be sensible to buy an identical one that's bunny's sister or similar? Maybe Bunny sent her to look after your DD whilst she's stuck at her dads house

ilovemyspace · 05/11/2023 19:02

@Rosemarysbabe she became so inconsolable that she stated she would walk home if he wouldn’t take her. His response to that was to say ‘go on then’ and close the front door on her and leave her stood in the street. He refused to bring her back stating ‘if you want to give in to her, you come and get her’

She is 7!! She doesn't have a say.
He obviously doesn't care about her and is just using her in his war against you.
If you care about her, then do something so that she doesn't have to have enforced contact with him. Don't use her in your war against him.

She doesn't have a choice, but you do

Reddishraddish · 05/11/2023 19:05

he sounds horribly spiteful. your poor little girl

ilovemyspace · 05/11/2023 19:15

@Rosemarysbabe I guess I was under the impression that he has parental rights. He has threatened court proceedings, and I guess it’s going to have to go that route now

Yes, let him threaten you with court proceedings - he's doing it to bully you and scare you.
He has parental rights, but he also has parental responsibilities.

Do you honestly think he's going to win a court case when you say : My Dd (7) hates to stay away from home, on the run up to the visits with dad and new gf she gets really tearful and anxious ?

Keep a diary of eveything to submit to court - but I bet it won't get that far if you stand your ground and refuse to let him scare you

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 19:58

She was out with him and his gf shopping.

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Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 20:00

I’ve screencapped messages and wrote down dates when I think he’s behaved badly.

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Hannahgrace · 05/11/2023 20:03

So sorry he sounds very cruel and doesn't have your daughter's feelings in mind. Personally I would turn up at his door and just say I am taking the bunny as our daughter needs it, would be really deny you at the door? If so I would seriously consider speaking to a solicitor about how contact can be managed as your daughter is not benefiting from the current arrangement. I would be concerned with the potential emotional abuse she is experiencing from him whe you're not there if this is his attitude.
I would start making a record of visits, conversations and his behaviour, should it progress down the legal route this will be beneficial

Rosemarysbabe · 05/11/2023 20:06

No, but I will be stopping it now, if he wants to take me to court then do be it

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Neodymium · 05/11/2023 20:13

Could you reach out to his girlfriend? If she has a baby herself she might be more compassionate and understanding.