To say yes or no to mil takeing lo out pumpkin picking?

[Sophie1029734]

I'm in an abusive relationship, me and my partner moved in to the house he bought 1 day before induction. His behaviour changed the day we moved in.

i was a 2min walk from mils House and within a 4min drive was his entire family (its a big family). I felt very isolated because mil tried to be very kind to me but then always did something the next day, tell me she should get a say in the child because shes the nana. Pressuring me in to sleepovers with lo, then tell her family I'm not letting her be a nana so the they would all bring it up and say I'm being controlling of my child. Ringing 15x a day, none stop turning up. Asking her not to kiss my child's lips and does it again and again infront of me. Telling me I'm controlling my child and not letting partner look after lo, yet he REFUSED to do ANY thing for lo qhen I would beg and cry for him to just give me some damn eye contact and stop turning the telly up over my voice. She did a lot more but yh.

Her and her family have always acted like they've never done a thing wrong to me, despite them talking behind my back and many other things. Mil spreads lies to everyone about me and now when I see even the parts of the family I've had no conflict with, feel uncomfortable vibes. But if i say anything about it or show any dislike towards towards anyone, I'm a horrible person and after everything all the kind things she's done for me, how dare I spread lies about her.

my view of mil started warped because I was quite impressionable. I was young, I had an abusive mother growing up and so I was enabling their behaviour towards me without relising because I didn't know any different.

Partner would go to mils and lie about my reactions, he would bully me, laugh at me, mock me, refuse eye contact, sarcasm, stone wall me, gaslight me, tell me the things he did didn't happen and that I'm crazy. I don't wanna make it too long but he's a shit person, lacks empathy. He was also a very uninvolved dad, I did everything. But, mil believed him his every word. I tried reaching out to clear my name and tell the truth but no one qould hear me. she'd start spreading rumours about me being a good for nothing lazy mum, I spend his money and just sit at home doing nothing (I didn't see any of his money despite him earing a tone and spending every day doing things for him and the house). she'd gaslight me and turn all the things he'd do on to me, that because I'm lazy and abusive to HIM he isn't nice to me back. That I'm crazy and need help because all I do is lie, that I lie about everything and his son wouldn't lie and I'm a horrible person for hateing her for no reason. In text messages she'd even lie about the things she'd done to me, to create this image of me literally being so crazy and a pathological liar. She wanted me to belive that I'l don't remeber anything right too and feel like I'm the person she's painting me out to be. Everyone in the area thinks I'm abusive to him, "partner" took the computer away from me the other day because I didn't listen to him. He hid it at his mils House and they were all cheering him on for standing up for himself against me, saying that he is afraid of me and I control the house and him.

They are literally cheering his abuse towards me on.. I feel so alone :/

I got told I had ptsd from a doctor because of the abuse and that I never lied . Again she called me a liar and said its the abuse from my childhood that's makeing me crazy. Saying again that I'm the abuser, kept makeing up and so on. I've been suffering a lot mentally and they all used the house looking like a mess as a way way bully me and call me a lazy, bad mum and abusing partners kindness. It's the main comeback they use against me.
I think i just really wanted to be belived because no one around me did and I thought I had proof to shut their lies down, I was so wrong.
I didn't do anything wrong other than try to set boundaries regarding my child and she despised me for it.

Anyway, she has lo every Sunday. 5 weeks ago after a row with her when I told her about the ptsd. I said enough is enough. You cant all treat me like this then expect to happily come to my door and get my chikd? Where I am disliked and unwelcome, so is my child. If I can't even trust you not to tell a single lie, how can I trust u with my child?
She kept asking me over and over why I'm so nasty and would be so selfish on lo and her, when I'd answer she'd ask me again as if she was searching for the truth vecause apparantly I kept lying to her about the things she was doing to me. She kept telling me that she's never done a thing wrong to me and I attacked her first, that she's done so many kind things for me and all she's even been is good to me and now im showing my true colors by useing my child against her. That I'm cruel etc

I stood by ground but let lo go last Sunday because I was feeling so guilty as lo was asking me to visit, I didn't care about mil but hurting my child was never part of the plan.

It's Sunday today and she's asked again. Shes been acting like the kind woman again as if NOTHING happened.. messaging me normally, talking to me normally she got lo at the door the other week.
She was to take lo on a big drive away for pumpkin picking. I've had car safety issues with her and it's just the person she is, I don't like her. After everything she has done to me? Deep down I do trust her with lo and despite everything she is a good nana, I don't want fued to get in the way of haveing an involved nana but my god .. she is HORRIBLE to me. Its like, if I'm unwelcome and so disliked by a group of people why should I hand my chikd over to them?
What do I do? Just give in and let her have lo every Sunday. I havnt been able to take lo pumpkin picking this year either so I feel envy and jealousy that someone who has treated me so badly gets to do the very thing I wanted to do with lo, and that I am unwelcome and can't even go with them?

Sorry this was long, I dont know how to make it simpler as so much has happened. Im also not the best at writing and explaining so I do apologise

Are you saying that your partner sexually abused your daughter? If yes, you need to leave right now and not be worrying about pumpkin picking and Halloween costumes! Report it to the police, SS, whoever else you need to, and get out.

Apologies if I picked it up wrong!

If not this thread needs a trigger warning.

Your responses to the questions seem unsecure and not confirming.

Did you witness your partner sexually abuse your daughter?

Because since your casual comment amoungst the pumpkin drama you've not stuck to it

Now SS are involved buy don't really care?

Call women's aide, go into a refuge. That's the alternative and there is more than enough on the DV alone to make that the right option. You need to leave and then report what he's done to you and LO. That's your best chance of keeping her safe from all of them, but especially from her father if he's sexualy abusing her.

You’ve been in touch with social services? Presumably you haven’t told the truth about your partner sexually abusing your child, ffs you don’t realise how damaging and dangerous this situation is do you?

Your post is all about you. How they are all mean to you. You clearly know they are all abusive, yet you still let your little child be around them. You talked about your own abusive childhood but don't seem to recognise that your own daughter is having an abusive childhood too. When you choose to have children of your own, you have to become a protector. You can't just stay in abusive relationships and expose your children to abusive people. This has gone on for far too long. Contact Women's Aid. Contact Social Services. Tell your GP. Tell the police. Squirrelling away plates and cutlery is not protecting your daughter.

Forget all the nonsense about the MIL. Are you saying that this man his physically or sexually abused your child? You’ve seen this happen too? You have to leave asap, you can’t be waiting around to hear you’ve got a property via the bidding list. You need to speak to Women’s Aid who can get you both out of the house.

Saying you don’t leave your child alone with him simply isn’t enough

Yes. it's hard to bring awareness to it straight away due to the very fact that I know people will say I didn't do enough etc when I did everything I could in a situation where I was being mentally fuked. I've had counseling etc and gotten my head screwed on and I'm doing everything to leave.
I know me bringing the pumpkin patch up may seem like I'm being dismissive but thats not the case at all, I'm very aware of everything. But idk what else to literally do when it's my word against his, with no proof I feel like I'm trying to win a loosing fight.

Straight away?

So you were there?
You saw the action happen?
And he did and said what to you?

You didn't call the police?

What's your plan to stop him? Because how do you plan to stop him having 50/50? Because why shouldn't he? If its just your word against his?

If you wait and leave slowly that undermines what you've said to SS. They'll say why didn't you act on this if you had genuine concerns? Why didn't you call the police, why didn't you go into a refuge? I'm not trying to make you feel guilty, I understand the lack of self belief, the doubt and questioning of yourself, but if you leave slowly it undermines your argument that he is dangerous to LO.

My situation isn't anywhere that extreme and my concerns are around mental health and emotional abuse. When I spoke to a lawyer asking if he just took the kids to get the 50/50 he wants would I have to apply for emergency orders straight away because otherwise the court would doubt the validity of me staying he's not capable of having them 50/50 without damaging then and she said yes, I'd have to apply straight away to be believed. I was planning to anyway, but I was wondering if it was important in terms of a court case to act on my belief that he couldn't care for our DC safely and it was. You need to act on your beliefs.

I'm also afraid that because everyone's makeing out like crazy, will speaking up about that part to social services make hkm and his family fight for full custody of lo and I'd loose her and she'd end up stuck with them when they are literally horrible people and then she has to grow up with them.
Im scared because he has said multiple times that he will take me to court for lo and his whole family back him up and ill have no one and I won't see her again.

What have you done about him abusing her? Have you reported it to the police? Have you spoken to SS? Have you actually done anything?

Well if you keep doing nothing and then just leave him as the relationship broke down, yes.

It's unlikely he would stop you seeing her but you could be looking at 50/50 due to lack of action.

How do you think it would look if you leave. He fights to see his child with his big support system who can prove an active role in his child's life and then you turn around and say

"Yea but he's a pedophile"

I'm literally afraid of not being belived because despite stopping it happening and acting as Los sheild, I didn't do anything!!! I was being mentally abused and my sanity felt like it was in question and because no one around me was believing me regarding the abuse to me, would they belive me with this? And when I brought it up to them they didn't and just used it against me even more to make out I'm crazy. And then my claims look even more illegitimate because I didn't act straight away and I feel like everyone is against me, no one believes me and I'm so afraid of him takeing me to court for full custody like he has threatened with and I'd have nothing but words and no proof against me, whilst he would have his wntire family on his side

I’m sorry but you don’t sound right at all. Stop obsessing about his family, get a job, learn to drive and leave your partner if he’s really that bad. It’s your life, take some responsibility.

So you saw it. Then and there.

Why didn't you call the police?

Also. Yes that is your reality right now.
He does have standing to have his child. Because on paper why shouldn't he?
What are you planning to do to stop it now the horse has bloted?

How are SS not caring? Have you called the police?

Yes, it's very likely that your lack of action will mean you won't be believed about the SA when it comes to going to court, but that still doesn't mean it is OK to do nothing now. You will have to answer to your daughter one day, and saying "I did nothing because no one would believe me" won't be good enough.

He won't let me work!!! He wouldnt pay for Los child care so I can start work. I'd I'd need money to travel to work as I'm in an area that requires travel, and he won't give me that money to travel!!

If it was that easy I wouldn't feel trapped.

The police will believe you.

Social services will believe you.

If you report the abuse your partner will not be allowed to see your child and will not get custody.

If you don’t report it, you are not adequately safeguarding her - or other children. Social services may question your capacity to safely care for your child if you know abuse has happened but haven’t reported it.

Please phone the police today and report the abuse.

This is crazy! You keep on talking about yourself and how no one will believe you etc. That is a ridiculous reason to not do something about the fact that you saw your child being abused. So what did you say if you saw this happening? Nothing? I really don’t understand what you’re saying

OP, you have no responsibility to him or his family.

Your responsibility is to your child. Get out of his house. Call Women’s Aid and the Police. Leave.

OP, can you stop posting about your feelings and describe in plain English what you saw your partner was doing or what you thought he was doing? E.g you came into the bedroom in the morning and saw him standing …. etc etc. just describe in details what you saw/ heard.

You need to concentrate on the important stuff when talking with sw / police, bringing up irrelevant stuff such as pumpkins and inductions makes it difficult to work out the important issues. You need to concentrate on making your child safe, you can sort out you later

You witnessed him touching her in a sexual manner and didn't report it? Didn't get her out of the home and away from him? Didn't call the Police? Didn't call Women's Aid?

How could you not act? If I had seen this he wouldn't even be alive, let alone living alongside me, continuing to watch my child.

You are not being a good parent, you have to protect her. The longer you leave it, services will ask why you left it so long and neither of you will be considered fit to parent.

You appear to be looking at a simple cut and dry answer to your problem. One where all the answers are provided.

I don't know if you're traumatised or naive but let's make the reality clear.

This is not going to be pleasant. Of course they will fight you for the baby.
You are going to have to go to war over this

You will ne called a liar and professionals will scrutinise you. You will be grilled and asked for proof and you will be questioned on your lack of safeguarding.

Will you be able to stop any contact? Who knows.
There is the reality that he does have access. Including 50/50.

You are the one who has to do the work. You just up and leave and then try pulling the pedophile card and yes he almost certainly will win. Because who's going to believe you then?

You have got to get smarter.

Of course all of this is if you actually want to help your daughter. Really help. Not pitiful woe is me words.

Oh gosh OP this whole situation is such a mess but let’s try and help you figure it out from here. I’ve been a victim of domestic abuse myself so I do get some of where you’re coming from but you have to understand that at the moment you are simply not protecting your child adequately from a sexual predator.

I would strongly advise you to first of all call the national domestic abuse support helpline which is 24/7 and run by Women’s Aid and explain the whole situation (including the sexual abuse of your child) to them and ask for their support and advice. A refuge should definitely be an option and would mean you can leave right now. You can get cutlery and bedsheets etc later. You and your child are so much more important and more valuable than that sort of thing and you need to put the two of you first.

Like others I think you need to report this now to social services and police, who absolutely will take an allegation of sexual abuse of a small child very seriously. I know you say you’ve spoken to social services already who aren’t interested but it’s very clear that this is because you haven’t told them the whole story. Yes, they will also question why you have sat on this and did not speak up earlier, and it will be a concern to social services that you sat on it. However, better late than never, and you do have the mitigating factor that you were the victim of domestic abuse yourself at the time and we’re being made to feel unsure about what you’d actually witnessed.

The good thing about disclosing this now is that the reports of sexual abuse to your little one by her dad certainly WILL be taken into account by social services and by a judge if necessary if and when her dad wants full or partial custody going forward (also potentially in the criminal courts). And it 100 percent sounds like he’s already decided he will fight you in court on custody matters anyway (and honestly abusive men often do).

Yes it’s your word against his but it’s very difficult for agencies to dismiss an allegation of sexual abuse towards a child. The other good thing about disclosing it now is that currently you haven’t just separated and are in the middle of a custody battle where your motivations for disclosing this now might be more questioned. It basically doesn’t look like you’re just saying this randomly now, having never breathed a word of it before, specifically to deny him custody at a time of separation. You’re much more likely to be believed now than if you bring it up then.

I can’t guarantee the outcome, but a likely overall outcome if you speak up now is that ultimately social services may decide that you can be supported to be a better mother in future given the mitigating circumstances, despite not having protected your child adequately from sexual abuse at the time, and your partner and his family won’t get custody. However if you wait until you’re separated, not only does that give your partner and his family more opportunity to harm you and your child while you wait, but also it is definitely going to look much more like a manipulative nasty lie to deny custody to the father for your own reasons if this is something that comes up only during a child custody battle. And yes I think it is unfortunately then a possible outcome that you will be seen as a hostile parent and she could be sent to live 100 percent of the time with your partner.

I believe you OP (and you’d have no reason to lie on an anonymous thread either) but you must act now, not only to keep you both safe in the short term, but also from the point of view of being believed by social services/court/police and for child custody decisions down the road.