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Original poster

Boyfriend not the father I had hoped for my son

66 replies

OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 19:12

DS is 4 months, first child for us both. DP has always wanted to be a father and was thrilled when I got pregnant.

But since DS has been born, DP has struggled with a lot of elements of becoming a dad. First off, he’s a great guy and there’s a lot he’s been great at so not dragging him here. He just doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing (I know no one does when they first become a parent) but it’s like really basic things.

Examples - he’s putting DS in his car seat and he starts to cry, DP just continues doing the straps up and doesn’t talk/sing to DS or try to distract him with toys or anything, just sort of ignores him and looks really stressed.

He also takes an age to change a nappy, like lines up the tabs so precisely and pulls them really gently to open and sometimes I’m just thinking god we’ve got to be somewhere soon 😅. Then if DS starts to fuss he gets flustered and then will forget to button vest up, or put his socks back on or something.

Prob the most worrying is that he really doesn’t have any patience at all when DS is crying and he doesn’t know why. If he knows it’s hunger, or wind or whatever he is fine and will feed or burp him. But if he doesn’t know what’s wrong he sort of panics and he’s said multiple times ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with you’ and looks really flustered. A few times has shouted DS’s name in frustration. I will always step in and take him so DP can go calm down.

I think the crux of it is he wanted to be a ‘perfect’ dad and whenever he feels like he’s not then he gets upset with himself.

What can I do to make him see he’s trying his best and that all parents have to go through a learning curve? I have told him, probably near on a hundred times, that no one is perfect and that babies cry for no reason sometimes. I try my best to stay positive and chirpy but when he’s in this head space he is just so negative.

Also (and please be nice here) am I being unfair? Should I be more supportive? Is it awful that I feel disappointed that he’s not the father I thought he would be? I’ve never ever said that to him though, always tell him he’s doing amazing.

OP posts:
DelilahBucket · 28/10/2023 19:16

At the end of the day he's trying. Your disappointment in him isn't helping and will push you apart. He doesn't have "mother's instinct" that comes so naturally to some, so what? Give him a break. At least he's doing all of these things. Just let him get on and don't step in, otherwise he won't learn. You are mothering him as well as your baby and you don't need to.

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/10/2023 19:18

Is there a parenting course he could do, he sounds very lacking in confidence to me.

Original poster
OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 19:19

I’ve never shown my disappointment in him, I keep that very much inside. I understand that I’m stepping in, but I feel like I need to. What will happen if I just leave him shouting at a crying baby? They will both come off worse surely. Be distressing for them both.

OP posts:

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treeoaklane · 28/10/2023 19:20

How old is the father and the baby? What was his vision of having a family?
I was the same but female version didn't have an absolute clue. Never read a book about babies nothing! I thought it's natural to have children I will know exactly what I was doing. Be a piece of cake.

Low and behold. Reality stepped in. Didn't have a clue.

He should get better in time and as baby gets older men generally are refer older children.

wfcats · 28/10/2023 19:20

Does he spend much time on his own with DS? That might help his confidence. Although do you think he's likely to lose his temper with him or is he just getting frustrated?

Original poster
OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 19:20

DisforDarkChocolate · 28/10/2023 19:18

Is there a parenting course he could do, he sounds very lacking in confidence to me.

That’s exactly it to be honest. There might well be that’s not something I thought of… will have a look now

OP posts:
Original poster
OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 19:22

wfcats · 28/10/2023 19:20

Does he spend much time on his own with DS? That might help his confidence. Although do you think he's likely to lose his temper with him or is he just getting frustrated?

To be honest he hasn’t spent a lot of time alone with him, mainly because he works and I’m usually here at weekends, that doesn’t mean I couldn’t leave them though. If I said I was going out I think he’d be terrified and either ask me to stay or he would go round his mums so he’s not alone with DS

OP posts:
ReadtheReviews · 28/10/2023 19:24

Just tell him to be kind and remember to try to think what the baby could be feeling. It is a mini human not a vase or a broken machine. He sounds like he doesn't empathise.

Fivebyfive2 · 28/10/2023 19:31

Hi op, this sounds exactly like my DH when our son was around that age. I think as a tiny newborn we were both muddling through but at 4 months he'd been back at work and I was at home, doing stuff on autopilot by myself (literally, as it was lockdown) so I probably seemed so confident while he was still struggling a bit and felt he wasn't good enough which became a viscous circle for a while.

Keep being supportive but don't let him step back too much as this will widen the gap even more and probably make DH feel even more like he's "not as good" if that makes sense?

I will say that our Ds is almost 4 now and this time is a distant memory. DH is so confident now and has been for years - taking Ds out by himself, having afternoons at home just them while I'm at work, "boys night in" if I go out.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/10/2023 19:34

I think this is really common...my DH was awkward at best to begin with. For the first 6 months the struggle was real. DD is 18m now and he is amazing with her and totally "gets" it.
Now: Going to the park? Do we have nappy change, coat, water, snack, is it going to rain? Let's go!
At 6m: going to the park? I've got my keys we are all good! And he'd take her out with no bottle no change not enough clothes on 🤯🤯🤯

My policy is if my child isn't being endangered or harmed let them crack on. Practice makes perfect and it's important to give dad's space. The smothery mothers I know all complain about their husbands now but they never let them get experience and learn when the kids were small.

The I don't know what's wrong with you baby??? Panic
Remind him to always go through "the checklist"
nappy, too hot/too cold, hungry, needs burping and after that accept baby maybe just wants a cuddle. And sometimes babies just cry.
The evening witching hour is hard but standard and gets better around 4-5m.

My DH and a lot of the husbands in our group got noise cancelling headphones and listened to music or audio books when doing the evening shift
It really helped them relax / stay calm / endure the screaming.

I also had a clear chat with my DH that when baby is screaming and I check in, I am checking if HE is okay and if HE needs a break (which is normal because 20mins of crying is hard work) I am not checking in to take over because I think he is doing a crap job or doing it wrong.

It's really hard for dads you have to give them space to practice and for whatever reason it takes th longer to get into the groove.

Patience, more patience and pick your moments of you want want to talk about things relating to baby.

Original poster
OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 19:42

@Fivebyfive2 Thank you, this is exactly the kind of message I was hoping for. We have a nephew who is nearly 2 and DP is amazing with him. I really hope like yours that this is just something he will outgrow as DS gets older. At what point did you notice DH was confident enough to look after him on his own?

@Totalwasteofpaper Thank you as well, I have listed that checklist many times for him. When I do he gets frustrated with himself because in his words ‘I should know that myself I shouldn’t need you to tell me’. Again he puts so much pressure on himself. Thank you for the advice re making it clear that you’re checking for his sake and not baby. I will definitely have that chat with him.

OP posts:
CyberCritical · 28/10/2023 20:07

You get a lot more practice and a lot more alone time when you have to just get on with it and figure it out.

He's not at home doing as many nappies and changes of clothes so he hasn't become as adept, and whenever he is unsure he just has to turn to you so he doesn't have to figure it out.

Totalwasteofpaper · 28/10/2023 20:55

I think it's worth reminding him when you are sleep deprived obvious things are less obvious and small jobs can seem a lot harder...and you are a team and you help him but he will help you too at some points. That's Def been true fore and my DH. Especially when I went back to work.

I also had to reassure my DH that it was okay if it wasn't perfect sometimes... Like...I don't know
Nappy leaks... Sometimes you didn't do it up properly sometimes it JUST happens... Sometimes you need to size up a nappy 😅
So you have to soak a onesie and do an extra change. It's a bit annoying but not a big deal really

OldBilge · 28/10/2023 20:58

Go out and leave him to it. And tell him not to run to his mother’s. It’s not rocket science.

Original poster
OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 20:59

OldBilge · 28/10/2023 20:58

Go out and leave him to it. And tell him not to run to his mother’s. It’s not rocket science.

Not the most sympathetic response I think I could give tbh

OP posts:
DuploTrain · 28/10/2023 21:03

Get him to have a look at this https://dadmatters.org.uk/

Even if there’s nothing set up in your area there are some online resources too.

I know my DH found the first few months very stressful. DS cried a lot and he felt completely powerless to do anything about it. I couldn’t stop the crying either but it didn’t get to me so much.

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Whalewatchers · 28/10/2023 21:16

He needs to take some deep breaths and remember love is patient, love is kind, and not lose his temper at his own very young child.

He's taking his own perceived shortcomings and frustration from this, out on the baby, which is unfair and unhelpful. Sometimes babies do just cry and it's not because of something you are doing or not doing but not remaining calm will only make things worse, the baby needs to feel loved, safe and supported and being comforted is still a positive thing even when it doesn't immediately stop the crying. These are the sorts of things I'd be communicating to him.

TheLongpigs · 28/10/2023 21:22

Newborns and young babies are often difficult - especially for men. Babies want to be close to / smell their mothers, and so it can be hard for their father to settle them. But this period of time goes super-fast, and then there'll be years for him to be acing it. At this stage, I think the most useful thing a man can usually do is to look after the mother!

JumalanTerve · 28/10/2023 21:23

I think you're being very unfair and you need to give him a criticism-free space to develop his parenting and his relationship with his child. The speed with which he changes a nappy iss precisely zero to do with you, and he will learn with time that he can't apply adult behavioural logic to babies' emotions. Just leave him to it!

ActDottie · 28/10/2023 21:27

i think you’re being unfair

it’s only a few months in so still learning and he’s trying

Boymum2104 · 28/10/2023 21:30

Please correct me if I am wrong but my assumption would be that you stay home with DS & DP goes out to work? If that is the case I do think you are being slightly unfair, my DS is 6 months and of course I know him & his cues/ what he needs a lot better than my DP because I spend all day every day with him. Just be as supportive as you can, it sounds like you're both doing a great job!

Original poster
OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 21:31

JumalanTerve · 28/10/2023 21:23

I think you're being very unfair and you need to give him a criticism-free space to develop his parenting and his relationship with his child. The speed with which he changes a nappy iss precisely zero to do with you, and he will learn with time that he can't apply adult behavioural logic to babies' emotions. Just leave him to it!

As I’ve said, I don’t criticise him, I give him nothing but positivity. The speed he gets ready does impact me if we’re running late for something. And it’s all well and good saying just leave him to it, but if you read my post, you’ll realise I’ve explained that he asks me to take the baby because he’s shouting or stressed and says he can’t deal with it.

OP posts:
Jamorjelly · 28/10/2023 21:36

I noticed in the early days, after I went away for a night DH was sooo much more confident and intuitive when I returned. It’s about being able to get on with it while no one is watching and also you accepting that different people might do things differently.

Your car seat example - I’ve had similar situations, cringed at him missing a technique only to discover his way was actually more successful.

ConnieTucker · 28/10/2023 21:46

I cannot believe people are saying it is op who is unfair when she said this:

What will happen if I just leave him shouting at a crying baby?

you all need to get a grip and raise you bar if you think it is op’s useless partner who needs the support here and not the op and the tiny baby who is being shouted at for existing!

AmazingSnakeHead · 28/10/2023 21:47

OutsideEveryday · 28/10/2023 20:59

Not the most sympathetic response I think I could give tbh

Show quote history

Honestly it really is. You've had to step up and learn fast because baby depended on you, and you've become a pro through practice. My DP was similiar until he started having one day a week alone with DS when I went back to work. The first few times were awful, he would call me after half hour or DS wouldn't have been fed or whatever. I just had to ride it out, the arrangement has been working for years now and they have a lovely strong bond, and DP is a full on parent. It would not have happened for us if I or his mum had been on hand every day.