Boyfriend not the father I had hoped for my son

[OutsideEveryday]

DS is 4 months, first child for us both. DP has always wanted to be a father and was thrilled when I got pregnant.

But since DS has been born, DP has struggled with a lot of elements of becoming a dad. First off, he’s a great guy and there’s a lot he’s been great at so not dragging him here. He just doesn’t seem to know what he’s doing (I know no one does when they first become a parent) but it’s like really basic things.

Examples - he’s putting DS in his car seat and he starts to cry, DP just continues doing the straps up and doesn’t talk/sing to DS or try to distract him with toys or anything, just sort of ignores him and looks really stressed.

He also takes an age to change a nappy, like lines up the tabs so precisely and pulls them really gently to open and sometimes I’m just thinking god we’ve got to be somewhere soon 😅. Then if DS starts to fuss he gets flustered and then will forget to button vest up, or put his socks back on or something.

Prob the most worrying is that he really doesn’t have any patience at all when DS is crying and he doesn’t know why. If he knows it’s hunger, or wind or whatever he is fine and will feed or burp him. But if he doesn’t know what’s wrong he sort of panics and he’s said multiple times ‘I don’t know what’s wrong with you’ and looks really flustered. A few times has shouted DS’s name in frustration. I will always step in and take him so DP can go calm down.

I think the crux of it is he wanted to be a ‘perfect’ dad and whenever he feels like he’s not then he gets upset with himself.

What can I do to make him see he’s trying his best and that all parents have to go through a learning curve? I have told him, probably near on a hundred times, that no one is perfect and that babies cry for no reason sometimes. I try my best to stay positive and chirpy but when he’s in this head space he is just so negative.

Also (and please be nice here) am I being unfair? Should I be more supportive? Is it awful that I feel disappointed that he’s not the father I thought he would be? I’ve never ever said that to him though, always tell him he’s doing amazing.

I feel like I should add more context as to why I haven’t left him alone with him. DP struggles to regulate his emotions and keep himself calm at times. He’s burnt dinner in the past and thrown a tea towel on the ground and walked out the room (this was before DS was born). I’ve left him with DS and gone to do some cleaning round the house, come back to them both crying, him just looking at DS with tears in his eyes saying he doesn’t know what’s wrong and that he can’t do it.

DS had a particularly bad witching hour the other night, DP was holding him and I was off in another room, just heard DP shouting his name and telling him to stop crying over and over.

Maybe I’m in the wrong here but would you leave him to it? I don’t think that’s a good idea for either of them?

Thank you! Someone who gets it! I was starting to think I’m going crazy

Totally get that, and I’m glad it helped you guys. No I didn’t mean that leaving him alone is not sympathetic, I meant that saying ‘don’t run to your mums’ probably isn’t the nicest phrase to use which is what Oldbilge said 😅

I don't get why you tell him he's "doing amazing" when he isn't. He's losing his temper with a tiny baby. He needs to talk to someone about his temper and get a grip on it. Your health visitor will be able to help. And you need to protect your baby from being shouted at or ignored because it will harm him psychologically.

There are loads of parenting books your DH can't read to get ideas and strategies, and parenting courses he could do.

Ok, in that case, I don't know. I think you need to really drill into him that regularly shouting at a tiny baby is a form of abuse. You might not want to use those words but you need to sit him down when things are calm and both agree that shouting like that is a boundary that you both agree should never be crossed. Come up with some strategies like put baby down in cot and walk away when things are getting too much.

I still think if you're not there it would go better. What would your boyfriend do, literally cry for four hours if you were gone that long? Or would he, like most mums, learn how to regulate his emotions and come though for your baby?

I really worry that the set up will be disastrous in the future. Will he shout at a toddler and preschooler too? If he is really our of control would he do other things to them, like call them names or break their stuff? How much shouting will you tolerate before you say 'enough' and leave? I'm not saying that being unable to cope when DC is this small means all those things will happen, but you do need to nip this shit in the bud now before it becomes normalised. And yes, you partly need to do this in order to test whether he really can't stop himself from shouting. Unfortunately I speak from experience.

OH still freaks out when DD cries and she's 11. If she were that way inclined, she could manipulate the shit out of him. Frustrating as fuck when she was a baby, hilarious as fuck now.

Jesus Christ, first everyone is saying I’m being unfair and need to give him a break and leave him alone. Now I’m being told that I shouldn’t be positive or supportive of him and should tell him to get a grip.

I’m new to this site and it’s so disappointing how many people just blame the OP no matter what. You can’t win 😂

I'm not saying don't be supportive, far from it, but I am saying don't lie to him and tell him he's wonderful when he isn't and he needs to take some action to sort things out. I've also given some practical ideas for you.
Support him by being truthful and signposting him to where he can get help to improve.
I'm not blaming you at all but if you don't protect your son then I definitely would.

I do think you’re getting a bizarre range of responses. Of course you can’t just leave them to it if it’s that extreme. That’s how babies get shaken and brain damaged. No-one thinks they’re going to do it but it happens.

He needs to put the baby down in a safe place and leave the room if he can’t cope.

https://iconcope.org/advice-for/parents/

@DuploTrain thanks, he does know that and will get to a point where he asks me to take baby or leave him in a safe place.

It’s just frustrating when one of the only ways he could learn to be more confident as a father would be leaving him alone, yet that’s something I can’t really do at the moment because I think he would struggle too much.

It's not harmful to be pedantic about changing a nappy. It's a confidence thing.

Whenever my DCs cried, DH would hand them over and said they wanted me. It helps to have boobs.

OP, do you think that your boyfriend would hurt your baby?

There's always one

Does he do any of the nice bonding stuff? Feeding, cuddles, having a bath together, reading a book etc?

I think he needs to talk to a third party about his feelings and to get support. You can’t do and be everything.

Can you also agree a strategy for both of you to use when you are getting frustrated? So for example that you pop DS in his cot, leave the room and take deep breaths to calm down.

What time of day is DS at his best? If it’s the morning then I’d give them sone alone time in the mornings every weekend. He clearly lacks confidence Practice will help. But try and do it when DS is happy so he will be successful.

And finally I’d talk to him about the bad parenting times you’ve had so he can see that you are also making mistakes but are dealing with it.

Okay. Wow.
Maybe I missed this in your earlier posts but this is different and a big fat NO.

He needs to be an adult and get a grip.

Shouting at a newborn and telling him to stop / be quiet over and over is totally unacceptable and is going to be really stressful for your baby.
He needs to recognise he is not okay and hand over to you BEFORE he gets to this stage... In a calm moment when he is received you need to debrief on this incident explain why it's not okay and cannot continue to happen.

One of the key things with our baby was when I was tense / angry etc the baby picked up on it. Even if I was silent, he needs to do some breathing techniques or whatever but I would not be leaving him to it. I would give him some space but be near by to intervene quickly.

I don't think it helps that a lot of men (please don't come for me saying I'm being sexist) is that they are logical problem solvers and babies don't follow the rules of logic all the time. It can be frustrating to not be able to solve why the baby is crying easily. I also think maybe if you relax about things and don't sweat the small stuff like vests being done up or socks if your in the house does it matter too much? He will work it out. It takes time. I like the idea a PP suggested about phrasing it as checking on him rather than the baby too. Good luck

@AmazingSnakeHead no I don’t think he would hurt the baby physically, but I do think if left alone the emotional impact on both of them would be huge. Both would spend a lot of the time crying/stressed. Maybe eventually he would learn to regulate it, but how long do I leave it for that to happen? Do I just let them both struggle? What if after multiple times leaving him alone the result is still the same?

I don’t know how much shouting until I say enough. I guess I’m hoping like above that he will eventually stop shouting and find another way to cope.

The first few things you mentioned I wouldn’t have an issue with, but shouting at the baby is a big no

@PaperDoIIs yes he does all that sort of stuff and loves it. Is great with feeding and play time etc

Do you have a children's centre near you? Or anywhere else that runs groups at the weekends/when he isn't at work?

Our local children's centre runs a "Dad's Club" every other weekend. I sent DH there with DS from 3 months old - I purposely didn't even get out of bed til they left the house, I made him fully responsible for getting DS ready, checking change bag was packed, defrost milk etc. It was far too easy, as the parent on maternity leave, for me to become the default parent, & doing this really helped DH become more confident.

Just build on that then. And have a calm chat with him about "what's the worst that can happen" if the baby cries. See what his real(and probably irrational)fears are. You will find a lot of posts on here from mums worried they're doing it wrong, that their baby hates them/doesn't like them, that they're being a terrible mother/ruining their baby, that they shouted at the baby or put them down and walked away etc. The difference is it's a lot more sociably accepted for a mum to struggle, talk about it and get offered support/encouragement.

I'll put my hand up and admit I did most of the things you say your partner does. Including melting down over a ruined meal. I never smacked DD or harmed her in any way. OH also found both of us crying more than once and me wailing because "I broke the baby".

He sounds pretty good tbh. It's really hard. It's obviously coming more naturally to you, as is the norm.
On the whole men are quite different parents to women. It's evolutionary.

I know you said you aren't, but you sound like you're finding him a bit annoying, and he will know that, even if you don't mention it to him. He DEFINITELY doesn't need a parenting course, and suggesting it will probably not go down well.
My dh was bloody useless, and I ended up doing everything, but he's quite good at going to work and paying the mortgage, and the dc adore him. Such is life.

Sorry! Only just read the bit about him shouting, dunno. Ignore previous post. Good luck.

Baby crying when you don't know what's wrong can really get to you. I think it's a good sign that he knows when to remove himself from the situation.

DH came to take over from me a couple of times when I was really stressed and sounding annoyed towards baby / blaming them for things not their fault.

It is difficult because you probably actually need to strike a balance between being supportive and being constructive and giving him space to do it himself.

If you are going out, remind him to start the nappy change a bit sooner? I always build in 15 minutes of faff time to get the kids out of the house even now.

As long as baby is safe, try not to worry. This will pass pretty quickly. Everything is a phase at this stage.